Husband told me he’s been having an affair

[QueenBing]

This morning at 4am my husband (cannot bring myself to use DH) told me that for the last 3 weeks he’s been having an affair with someone from work. We’ve been married for very nearly 11 years. 2 kids, 9 and 7. Lovely home. He’s only known her a couple of months but he thought he loved her after 3 weeks and was even thinking about leaving us to be with her. She’s also married with a child. We had a good talk and he says he wants to stay here, work at our marriage, he’ll do whatever it takes etc. I’m so angry, I can’t think straight.

I don’t want to break up our family, I know that much. I don’t want to throw away 11 years of marriage because he’s been a selfish prick but at the same time I have no clue how to start picking up the pieces. I’m broken.

Queen, I would tell him to leave, for a while at least. He needs to receive a sharp consequence and experience how it feels to lose you and the children. He needs to know that you mean business. Make a stand with your self-respect.

She turned up at your house the first day they were on holiday? How did she know where you lived? Why would he bring her to pick you up when she was so drunk?

It just sounds to me like this has been going on a lot longer than he's told you. They both sound vile.

I'm so sorry you're going through this 💐

I dumped my cheating bastard of an exh. I found peace of mind, a happy life and picked up my on it's arse self esteem.

I think she sounds vulnerable tbh. Getting inappropriately and publicly drunk, the disclosure of domestic violence, the screaming down the phone... she doesn't sound like she's in a good place at all. I wonder what it was that your husband found so attractive about her?

I'd say she dumped him
And was going to tell u

I think telling her husband could be a potentially grave error. You're not responsible for the husbands behaviour, of course, but given that she has made a disclosure of domestic violence, I think it's an unnacceptable risk to take. Presumably she has children that could possibly witness his response to the news.

Don't feel obliged to be physical with him!

If you stay with him, you get over it when YOU get over it.

I think the usual minimising that goes on post affair is gas lighting but your husband is just laying it all out, like you are a priest or his counsellor or something.

He has put all of this pain on your lap rather than live with the anxiety of NOT knowing when you'll find out. He has nothing to fear now, right. You know. He assumes he'll be forgiven.

True @ChippyPickledEggs what drew him to a vulnerable abused prone to getting drunk and upset woman???

Is he a knight in shining armour, or a wannabe white knight.

Another thing, both teachers, I would speak to the Head Teacher as this could potentially cause a lot of problems at school. My friends son's ex wife also a teacher, had an affair with another teacher. She was removed from her post and forced to change schools because the kids started on the both of them, then her husband got involved and it all got nasty. They both deserved the backlash, as do your cheating husband and his mistress. But most importantly, you have done nothing wrong and it sounds like to me he has told you because the school and pupils already know and he was worried the news would get back to you.

Whatever you decide please do not rush into anything and do not do the 'Pick Me Dance'

You deserve better.

@LilQueenie

If her husband is violent then there are other people you could notify due to the kids being there. Karma and all that.

What do you mean?

As far as work goes, I’ve told him to start looking for other jobs. And if the head asks why he’s leaving after such a short time, he can say he fucked the hairdressing teacher.
It’s a shame because he’s finally found a school he’s happy at and where he fits in but he’s messed up because he’s a selfish prick and getting his dick wet means more than a career, his marriage and his family.

I know you're feeling confused, but why are you taking responsibility for what he's to say and do? He's handed over all the stress, worry and practicalities to you. Hand them back to him. Let him clean his own shit up.

Op,
I would ask him to move out for a little while to give you some breathing space
I just wonder how he would feel if you had behaved in the manner that he has.
If the woman is in a vulnerable state, then your dh has clearly taken advantage of her. He has had his fun now and wants things to go back to normal
The fact that he slept with another woman without a condom is to me, unforgivable.
He risked your health to get his dick wet.
I just couldn’t forget or forgive tbh

Op you are worth so much more than being treated like this, you deserve better than this cheating arsehole who didn't give a shit about you when balls deep in another woman. Raise your bar and get rid of the dirty scumbag, before his head is turned again.

I'm sorry. He has to leave that school immediately, no going back.

You deserve better.

queen, sending you a big hug. The pain is indescribable and will carry on for a good while yet. You do not need to make any major decisions yet-just focus on breathing, eating and getting through each day.
You are now on a rollercoaster that you didn’t ask to be put on and that you cannot yet get off. But the rollercoaster will get slower and calmer I promise. You will feel everything-pain, sadness, anger and everything in between. But you will get through it.

Don’t try and get through it alone. Tell whoever you need to tell and who can support you. These threads are amazing as you realise everything you are feeling is normal.

The sti test was one of the lowest ebbs for me. I hated him that I had to go through it. I can still remember pricking my finger trying to get enough blood for the hiv test.

Whatever decisions you make right now, you can change your mind.

Oh, and don’t be so sure that you won’t want to shag him again. Google hysterical bonding.

I'm very sorry Op. If you don't want him to go, could you leave him with the kids and go stay with a friend or book a spa break? Something to give you some space and time.

If it was me I'd be asking if he believed the dv claims. If so, has he thought about the risk he's actually put her and her daughter in? Violent men don't tend to like their wife's shagging another man and the fallout from it can be fatal. If it's true he's shagged a very vulnerable woman (I know that won't be your biggest concern right now). But I think he needs to have it really brought home what that says about him.
If it's not true and he's believed it wasn't, then he's shagged someone he felt capable of lying about something so serious, surely he's thought what else she could lie about.

I think his only saving grace is that he told you and it seems like he's confessed all and from the phone call you overheard it sounds like she's not behind that confession.
I don't know how you move on, because honestly I couldn't. What's he suggesting he does? He needs to really look at himself and why he did it. Why was a vulnerable or unstable (depending on if she's told the truth) woman so attractive to him?

OP, all I will say is that I have never felt the same. My husbands was an emotional/limerence kind of thing but I read songs and poems he had written about it and all I can say is it's a good job he was away with work when I found them . I was actually sick , I couldn't believe it, and in my case it was something from 11 years previously too. This is a guy who I would have bet a million quid on simply not being the type. He was upset that I had found out but still said some stupid stuff like I was making him feel small by bringing it up. All I can say is I do still care about him but have never felt the same to be honest as I did before and that makes me sad. I know he would do anything to turn the clock back but you just can't and actions have consequences, in my case I lost a lot of affection and respect. Be aware that you can kind of move on but it's a strong possibility you won't feel the same again and depends if you can live with that.

Oh OP for you, darling.

Is there somewhere else your children could stay for a few days while you sort through your emotions and rage? With a school friend perhaps or with an extended family member? I think the first port of call is to send the little ones on a little holiday then lay into him. He needs to know how angry you are.

Ask him how he'd feel if the situation was reversed?

How did he meet up with her ? 3 weeks but the schools have all been off.. no way was it just 3 weeks

Hrth but suffice to say I feel that he's a complete arse and.has broken his family. Not to mention the other woman and her heart in tatters too

I don’t think you can process all your thoughts, anger, etc whilst he is in the house. I would tell him to leave for a few days whilst you gather your thoughts. He should be sitting in a hotel realising what it feels like to be alone, without you or the kids. Sleeping downstairs isn’t enough - he still has his home comforts and kids around him.

If you don’t want him to leave, because you’ll worry about what he’s up to, could you get him to take the kids away for a couple of days and nights to do something fun? Either way, I think you need a bit of space to get your thoughts together.

I think it’s too easy to stay, and try to forgive if you never have any space after the shock revelation. You might look back in a few years and wish you’d ended it now. Or you might get some space, and decide that you wish to stay in your marriage. Either way, I’d find it easier to do with some proper distance from him at least in the short term.

Also, whatever you decide, I’m sorry he’s proved himself to be such a dick in this instance. The no condom thing is what I would find the hardest I think. It’s disgusting. Good luck OP.

You don't have to tell the children why your dh is gone if you need a break. For example, if he goes to his parents house while you get your break say he went to visit his parents for a while, before the hoildays finish. If you have the funds why not book a few nights in a hotel for yourself, or tell a trusted freind and spend few night with that person. That friend don't need to know excatly what happened. Some people accept, I'm having a bit of marital problems and need distractions until I decide what to do.

Op, you have to ask this man to leave, at least for now. As pp said, What are the consequences of his actions? Not only was he shagging her behind your back in hotel rooms without a condom, he has also introduced your children to get and gone on a day out with them! I could not get over that. Also he thought he loved her and thought he might actually leave you. Please pick him out. How awful if he actually decided to leave you for her eventually anyway. You need space from this, and time. I can't see how you'd carry on a relationship with someone who's done this. What a cunt. He sounds vile.