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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband told me he’s been having an affair

307 replies

QueenBing · 15/08/2019 18:27

This morning at 4am my husband (cannot bring myself to use DH) told me that for the last 3 weeks he’s been having an affair with someone from work. We’ve been married for very nearly 11 years. 2 kids, 9 and 7. Lovely home. He’s only known her a couple of months but he thought he loved her after 3 weeks and was even thinking about leaving us to be with her. She’s also married with a child. We had a good talk and he says he wants to stay here, work at our marriage, he’ll do whatever it takes etc. I’m so angry, I can’t think straight.

I don’t want to break up our family, I know that much. I don’t want to throw away 11 years of marriage because he’s been a selfish prick but at the same time I have no clue how to start picking up the pieces. I’m broken.

OP posts:
Alicatz66 · 15/08/2019 18:58

He told you because he couldn't handle the guilt .... not ideal but if he had ended it with her and never told you them you wouldn't be feeling this pain ... he's just dumped the burden onto you .. I have no advice OP .. just sending love x

NomDeQwerty · 15/08/2019 18:58

If he's spending family holiday money on hotels like that, you definitely need to secure your finances.

Original poster
QueenBing · 15/08/2019 18:59

Thank you so much everyone for the love and the replies. I never, ever thought I’d find myself here.

OP posts:
Original poster
QueenBing · 15/08/2019 18:59

Oh NomDeQwerty do not worry, finances are sorted. I have control over our joint account.

OP posts:
NomDeQwerty · 15/08/2019 19:00

None of us do.Smile

Alicatz66 · 15/08/2019 19:00

It's not a Mumsnet thing to say ... and I'd get tested too ... but I doubt STI rates are high among mad teachers ..

Original poster
QueenBing · 15/08/2019 19:00

Hotels were paid for in cash from some jobs he’d done on the side.

OP posts:
PaulHollywoodsSexGut · 15/08/2019 19:00

This is one of the previous few threads of this nature that I actually believe what he’s saying in the round.

That CATEGORICALLY does not excuse what he has done though; when I read your OP I felt angry for you as that’s a lovely thing for him to dump on you and leave you to have to “deal with it” as he “respects you too much”

The respect ship sailed long ago.

However I hazard a guess he’s telling you more truth than not, as opposed to the usual minimal detail leaving the wife to slowly unravel all the lies over a long period and compounding the pain in the process.

Either way Flowers for you OP

NomDeQwerty · 15/08/2019 19:01

And please remember this is not your fault. This is a shitty person doing a shitty thing. He's showing you who he is.

Original poster
QueenBing · 15/08/2019 19:01

Alicatz66 I just feel dirty. He’s had no respect for my body. Sticking it in her then sticking it in me. I’m disgusted.

OP posts:
Horehound · 15/08/2019 19:01

Wtf why was she turning up to your work? What did she do to embarrass you?
Did your husband know this and still wanted to start an affair a fuck you over?

Omg I'd get him to leave at least. Make him sweat even if you may not intend on ending it.

Original poster
QueenBing · 15/08/2019 19:02

The amount of detail he’s gone into, he’s definitely leaving nothing out.

OP posts:
Outsomnia · 15/08/2019 19:03

So sorry on your behalf OP. I have no answers. Your gut feeling will decide things for you really.

I really think though that the word AFFAIR is just so easy and sounds blameless, should be called something awful instead really.

YouJustDoYou · 15/08/2019 19:04

Op....there's no coming back from this. Ever. The relationship you had is absolutely dead - you will never have the same relationship with this stranger who is your husband again. I'm 10 years down the line from finding out, and back then we didn't have kids. But I still wake from nightmares. You never stop wondering - you never, EVER, fully trust them again, no matter what they try and do to try and help you.

Are you prepared to forever live wondering if he's messaging her again? If the fact he's 30 minutes late means he's been shagging her in the car after work? You will never know for sure.

MarianaMoatedGrange · 15/08/2019 19:06

Sounds like his bit of fun took a nasty turn and he's scared of OW and wants you to help him get rid of her.

NomDeQwerty · 15/08/2019 19:07

What's he doing now OP?

OpheliaTodd · 15/08/2019 19:08

I’d tell her husband and tell your H to fuck off and be with her.

PickleJam · 15/08/2019 19:09

Not dissimilar to what happened to me.

You need to make an honest decision whether you want to cope with this. I did. "Forgave" him (never actually did). Listened to the pleading. Started to feel ok.

And then it ate away at my self esteem over the year. And I became someone neither he nor I liked / wanted to be.

Then came the next affair. And the next. Then it was all my fault apparently.

I wish I had left the first time around. It certainly would have been easier and cleaner a break for me and the children.

I am sorry you are going through this. It's horrific.

MeanMrMustardSeed · 15/08/2019 19:11

I’m so sorry. This is a much more complicated scenario than the usual you see on Mumsnet (to me, anyway). It sounds like he’s confessed of his own volition, not minimised and clearly ended the affair. It’s very tough for you, OP, but my only advice is don’t rush a decision. The unprotected sex is an absolute shocker and I’d let him know the full force of my wrath over that.

tomatostottie · 15/08/2019 19:12

So he's a teacher and they met at work - they've only known each other a couple of months. So did she start working at the school late in the summer term? It all sounds a bit fishy to me.
Has the affair really only being going on for 3 weeks? There must have been something in the air before the summer holidays - otherwise there's no reason why they should have been contacting each other during the holidays.

However, I do see it as somewhat positive that he has told you about this now and has ended the affair. You read so many stories on here of women having no idea anything was going on, bloke starts getting distant and saying "I'm not very happy" etcetc. and then creating an excuse for an argument and then doing off - then lo and behold, an OW pops up.
So, yes, I think he has been honest with you and maybe he genuinely made a mistake and wants to make amends.
However, I would reserve judgement until you see how things pan out and how he behaves towards you. Also, if you want to end the marriage then you are perfectly within your rights to do so and he shouldn't be pressurizing or emotionally blackmailing you into you forgiving him. You need a lot of time to process his betrayal.

Original poster
QueenBing · 15/08/2019 19:14

At the minute he’s doing delivery driving and he’s taken our 9 year old with him.
I don’t know if I’ll ever fully trust him, I probably won’t.

OP posts:
tomatostottie · 15/08/2019 19:15

Forgot to say, maybe he wants you to end the marriage so he can go and be with her and he therefore isn't technically responsible for breaking up the family.
So yeah, proceed with caution.

rainbowstardrops · 15/08/2019 19:16

It would be the end for me. I can't abide cheats.
You need to decide if you can move on from this. I couldn't but plenty do.

NomDeQwerty · 15/08/2019 19:19

That's exactly what mine did tomato. I thought the fact that he'd confessed was a good sign too. It wasn't.

Original poster
QueenBing · 15/08/2019 19:22

He started working at the school in May. During the last week of term I was away on a residential with my school and I was averaging about 4 hours sleep a night. I was abroad. I got back for the last day of term, the Friday. I was knackered. They broke up on the Thursday so on the Friday she came round our house, got wasted while I was at work, told my husband her partner was hitting her and didn’t want to go home, he felt sorry for her, he phoned me and asked me to help get her home. That’s when he drove to my school to pick me up with her in the car, pissed, she started swearing in front of my colleagues (deputy head!!) and it was beyond embarrassing. We took her to her friend’s house. The following day, Saturday, first day of the holidays, he texted her to see if she was ok, said he’d been thinking about her, she said she’d been thinking about him, it all went from there. They met for an hour in a village near us for a kiss and to talk about how they had feelings for each other and then they booked a hotel 3 times on a day rate. I phoned him a couple of times thinking he was at his mate’s. He couldn’t get off the phone quick enough. Probably because he was balls deep in her.

OP posts: