Husband told me he’s been having an affair

[QueenBing]

This morning at 4am my husband (cannot bring myself to use DH) told me that for the last 3 weeks he’s been having an affair with someone from work. We’ve been married for very nearly 11 years. 2 kids, 9 and 7. Lovely home. He’s only known her a couple of months but he thought he loved her after 3 weeks and was even thinking about leaving us to be with her. She’s also married with a child. We had a good talk and he says he wants to stay here, work at our marriage, he’ll do whatever it takes etc. I’m so angry, I can’t think straight.

I don’t want to break up our family, I know that much. I don’t want to throw away 11 years of marriage because he’s been a selfish prick but at the same time I have no clue how to start picking up the pieces. I’m broken.

OP, I met someone about 2 yearsago who had an identical situation, lovely lady too. Very very clever ex husband, think ‘astrophysics’ oxford type clever. He too just didn’t seem the type but clearly became addicted to the secretive buzz of it all, she too had it all from an affair to Craigslist to hookers. The thing is though and I think the same applies to you it wasn’t that he didnt love her , he was heartbroken when he was found out, desperately wanted her to just forgive and of course she could not. It really is an absolute scourge these days. I often say I blame porn partly and then get the porn apologists. Thing is I think ‘some’ people start with that and then get that they need to try something a bit more ‘not ok’ etc, etc— they totally lose sense of boundaries in the charge for a quick buzz. Do look after yourself, I understand totally how you feel too about not just cutting everything off totally, you need him to be stable if you need to co parent

@ISmellBabies I’ve just had a quick look at that website and it looks like there is a fair bit on there that could help. Especially the real life stories. Thanks for the recommendation!

Hmm, the whole essence of a personality disorder is that is PERVASIVE, PROBLEMATIC and PERSISTENT - seems odd that he would get that dx after one suicide attempt linked to a relationship breakdown.

Has he always struggled with emotional dysregulation and interpersonal difficulties?

Oh my goodness op, how dreadful for you Absolutely disgusting of him. I am so sorry for you and your kids, hope you can find a way to move on

He’s got a history of depression and anxiety and a few years ago had a breakdown. This seems to have been the trigger. There’s been other behaviours too like shoplifting and ridiculous driving amongst others. They all fit with the thrill seeking aspect. He’s got abandonment issues too and he’s had a troubled childhood to say the least. Dad is an alcoholic, mother had every illness under the sun, he was sexually abused by some teenage boys when he was young, he can’t hold down a job for long, had difficulty maintaining friendships etc. There is so much.

*has difficulty maintaining friendships

Ah ok that makes sense then.

I feel bad for him to have been through so much but he is still an adult who has agency, please don't put his needs above yours