Husband told me he’s been having an affair

[QueenBing]

This morning at 4am my husband (cannot bring myself to use DH) told me that for the last 3 weeks he’s been having an affair with someone from work. We’ve been married for very nearly 11 years. 2 kids, 9 and 7. Lovely home. He’s only known her a couple of months but he thought he loved her after 3 weeks and was even thinking about leaving us to be with her. She’s also married with a child. We had a good talk and he says he wants to stay here, work at our marriage, he’ll do whatever it takes etc. I’m so angry, I can’t think straight.

I don’t want to break up our family, I know that much. I don’t want to throw away 11 years of marriage because he’s been a selfish prick but at the same time I have no clue how to start picking up the pieces. I’m broken.

He made vows to you and broken the promises he made, for me he’s be out, I couldn’t share a bed never mind a home with someone who thought so little of me that they slept with someone behind my back, he’s only been at that school a matter of months and this all happens! How could you ever trust him again?

Why did the affair end...

Has no one else picked up on the fact that the OP said that the OWs partner was allegedly hitting her? There is NO excusing her (or OPs DHs behaviour) but would you REALLY tell her partner knowing that he's potentially a dangerous man?!

The affair ended because he said he couldn’t go on lying to me.
No chance of her being pregnant, he’s had a vasectomy.
I don’t think I’ll tell her husband. He’ll find out. She’s nuts, she really is, I can’t believe my husband went there. He’s pure filth and lower than low and I can’t describe how disgusted I am with him. With the pair of them actually. She’s met me, met my kids. He’s had a couple of lovely little days out with our children and her daughter. Probably prepping them for their potential new stepmum.

I don't know if I could ever trust him again after they've said they love each other. Surely his feelings for her haven't just vanished.
I think you definitely need a few days break from each other so you can focus on you and figure out what you want. Tell the kids you or him need to go away for work and do what is best for you, not what's best for your kids or him because the kids will suffer more if you stay with him when you don't want to. I would honestly not know how to handle this situation and I feel so sorry for you.

Unpoquitititoloco - this is really what’s stopping me. He could hit her, the daughter, he could come round here and hit my husband in front of my kids...

But how can you “love” someone after 3 weeks?! It’s not love, is it. It’s lust or infatuation. It’s not love.

I am 11 years down the road from this. Also a work colleague. We are ok but I know that if it happened now I would leave. At the time my mum was dying and I didn’t have the strength but I would now and he knows it. Never had a recurrence and we are happy overall but I can never forget. Give yourself some time but don’t stay because it’s easier. Stay because you want to or leave. You can also discuss reconciliation later if it’s what you both want. Sorry you are going through this.

So sorry you are going through this QueenBin. I don't have advice I just wanted to say I share your pain. I have just discovered (he didn't tell me) my husband of 9 years, partner for 19 years and father to my young son has been having an emotional & sexual affair (sexting) and I am totally lost. He doesn't know what he wants so he's not even begging me to forgive him. Initially I threw him out but we have agreed to try counselling. My pride says fuck him but deep down I want to try to figure him and make things work but he may not want to. I still can't believe it.

It isn't love at three weeks it's infatuation and hormonal lust. That never lasts and if he'd left you for her you can be sure they would soon be pissed off with divorce proceedings, custody of the children and a million other lust killing practicalities.
No wonder he has given her up.

I think even a kiss...I'd be devastated,
Never mind anything more....
I'd love to say if I was in that situation I'd kick him out...
But I can imagine
It must be the hardest thing to ever go through...and I bet it feels like your grieving right now...
I'd love to advice you by telling you how pay him back....in the most horrible ways possible...
But il probably get reported

OP, from what you’ve detailed in further posts and how OW responded, I actually believe he’s regretting the whole thing, and I do think he knows this is a massive mistake.

I agree with @Lemonsaretheonlyfruit and I think you should at least ask him to sleep downstairs and continue to answer questions as he seems to be brutally honest so far.

I would also strongly consider couples therapy so you can both talk with a mediator who can advise on how your husband should now deal with your future and trust and how you can start to deal with, hopefully forgive and move on.

Oh op

Sorry I have no useful advice. Just wanted to say I'm thinking of you.

Is this totally out of the ordinary for him?! Nothing like this has ever happened before? Nothing to make you suspect he was capable of this? God what a shock.

God how awfull, i really hope you kick him out.

So sorry OP. I find the no condom thing utterly vile.
Is he saying because he had a vasectomy you would not get an sti? He sounds thick!

He’s sleeping downstairs for the foreseeable. I’m going to dye my hair now, do something for me.

My biggest regret in life is that I didn't tell my first husband to go when he told me about his affair. I remember that physical pain, and the hell that followed.

Her turning up was no accident op. That was calculated. I've experienced the pain you describe. It feels like someone blew a hole in your chest. But somehow everyone expects you to keep breathing and you just don't know how you can.

Wishing you peace and strength

I am so sorry you are in such pain and turmoil. The pain is indescribable and like childbirth you would do anything to escape it. It is too soon to make any drastic decisions. At this point in time your dh should be begging for forgiveness. He has put you at great risk by having unprotected sex.

I am a year in. The first few months were torture. I wanted to die and was an emotional mess. It was a kiss and cuddle but it almost destroyed me. I felt I no longer knew my DH and it frightened me.

After five or six months, I began to feel normal. I could genuinely smile and laugh. I was able to engage with others and not think about the affair.

There is still an element of sadness if I think about it but it is reducing each day.

Whether you stay or go, you will get through. Some days will be dark and other days you will have hope.

The thought of ever being physical with him again turns my stomach. How can I get over that?!

I would tell her husband. She was probably just spinning your husband a line about being hit. Hoping he would “rescue her”.

I’d throw him out, he’s disgusting.

I’m not sure I’d tell the husband. I’m not generally vindictive but then I’ve never been in this situation. I might though.

You’re too good for him x

I'm so petty I'd probably put a flaming paper bag of dog shit on her doorstep

I found myself in a similar place last year / 15 months ago. (There's a thread I'm AMA forum about it).

Honestly don't make any decisions now. PM me if you need to. Our marriage survived and is doing well but it's been hard work for both of us.

Much love to you x

I have thought about telling her husband but thinking about how I feel I don’t want to put anyone else through this.

The thing is he deserves to know , someone didn't tell me that his wife had been at it with my Ex H to "spare me" and it was several years before I found out . I wish he had told me at the time.