Husband stole from me (again)

[Damsel77]

I am at my wits end.

I have only been married 3 months. 2 days ago I checked my bank account and found out my lovely husband had taken my personal cheque book (which I never use, it’s just been lying around the house) and written himself a cheque for £100.00. He’d not bothered to tell me. I felt physically sick and devastated.

This is not the first time this has happened. Around a year ago, I noticed items on my credit card statement I didn’t recognise, and sure enough, after a lot of lies and digging, found out he’d been using it behind my back. At the time I went baliisitic abd told him if he ever did this again I wouldn’t marry him. Now here we are, married, and he’s at it again.

What makes it worse is that there’s no real explanation, other than ‘I didn’t think you’d mind’, which is another lie as he knew from the last time I would be furious.

I can’t get my head around it. He works, has a good job and earns a good wage. But always seems to be broke. I’m pretty sure there’s nothing going on like gambling or drugs, he’s just terrible at managing his money.

I feel like the trust is completely broken and my initial reaction was divorce. He says I’m completely overreacting.

The big problem is we are in the middle of a very long, difficult TTC journey. I am 39, he is 44 and we were supposed to be going abroad for IVF in 2 months. I know this is terrible but I’m genuinely scared that if I end it, I’m also ending any chance of being a mother. There’s no way I could go it alone (say, with a sperm donor) as I don’t have any support.

I am so torn about what do do, and so hurt. I feel like whichever way I turn, I’ll be unhappy.

You can’t trust him.
He does not respect you or your property.
He thinks of himself and his own wishes and disregards you and yours.
Disentangle yourself from him.

I’m sorry that your situation is complicated by your needing to conceive soon. But tying yourself to him seems like a recipe for disaster.

If he was just terrible at managing his money then surely he would just ask you to lend him some money? The secrecy and stealing points towards gambling or drugs IMO. The fact that your own husband steals from you is fucking awful tbh and I don't think I could forgive it.

sadly he will do it again :(
even if you dig dig dig and find out where the money is going (drugs alcohol sex shopping addiction other woman family etc.) it won't stop him given the chance. you will never fully trust him.

I think it’s a really bad idea to bring a child into all this.

What sort of things does he spend money on? Going out? Hobbies? Clothes?

If you had joint everything, would that make it easier? I never understand couples who have separate finances in a marriage.

Otherwise, hide your cards and cheque books. Then he can't take what's yours.

But tbh I think your relationship is doomed without the trust.

There’s no way I could go it alone (say, with a sperm donor) as I don’t have any support.

If you do it with him, you’ll end up doing it alone anyway - the difference with a donor is you won’t be tied to a thief forever

This is so far beyond the bounds of normal. I don’t know any married person who would do this, and I suspect there must be more to his stealing.

The reality is when you will split up not if.

How much can you put up with and when will you crack?

None of that really. He just seems to have a lot of debts. His credit rating is awful, and as soon as he gets paid he’s broke within a week. To be fair I thought he had things under control, until now. The day he forged my cheque was 3 days after he’d been paid! I was so angry when I found out, I had the locks changed, as I felt so sick and that he couldn’t be trusted around my possessions. He’s currently staying at a hotel, but begging to come back and saying the more he has to spend on a hotel, the less he’ll have to give me for his share of the monthly bills. I was already strsssed with TTC for 2 years, and he knew that. I’m so devastated but feel like I could also lose my chance to become a mother which is soul destroying.

It would be divorce for me. I wouldn't want to live with someone who happily steals from me then lies about it.

We do have a joint bank account. However it was my business bank account he stole from.

Do you really want to bring a child into this situation? Children cost money so the financial situation won’t get better.

For me the lying would be enough to get rid. You deserve better.

Has he sought help for his problems? Have you considered counselling?

I find separate finances odd but I can completely see why with this behaviour. However are you earning on a par, and what is he using the money for??

BUSINESS BANK ACCOUNT!
OP this is horrible beyond belief sorry end of game.
report to the police

Are his debt problems solvable though?
I mean if you took control of his accounts could it be sorted?

I understand the timing, OP - and I bet he does too. He's banking on your desire to TTC to be enough to get you to back down.

If you did go ahead with the fertility treatment and it was successful, would you then dump him and parent separately? If so, perhaps pretend to forgive him and go ahead with the treatment. Then dump his ass, whether it is successful or not. At least you will have had the chance to try.

But if you think you would stay with him if you were to get pregant because you "can't do it alone" get out NOW. He will keep stealing, keep lying and keep running up debts and you will feel even more trapped and vulnerable with a baby.

You say that he is bad at managing his money, I think it would be a good idea if the both of you sat down together and thought of ways in how he could manage his money better i.e not buying things he doesn’t need.

OP, yes it is bad that he has been stealing money from you. But I don’t think you should end what you have with him.

I earn slightly more. And as I said it was my business account. We have a joint account for everything else.

OP, I think you are ignoring your gut feeling here, and all each suggestion given so far.
I believe you know what you need to do but are allowing TTC to cloud your judgement.
He lied, he stole, what else does he have to do for you to see what is obvious to others?

Sorry for what you are experiencing OP but In your position, I would be mentally breaking away from him and starting divorce proceedings.

He's so entitled. Think carefully before letting him back in. Does he not have family or friends he could stay with to make it cheaper?

Isn't this all a bit of an overreaction? When you marry, isn't everything supposed to be joint property? Isn't there something in the marriage vows that goes "With all my worldly goods I thee endow"? It seems totally OTT to break up a marriage over £100! And yes, I get it that he should have asked you first, but still ...

Do you know what the money he stole was for? Have you seen his bank statements? Is he willing to see a professional about this?

@MyOtherProfile I suggested he stay with his parents, but he says ‘he doesn’t want to involve them’, meaning he doesn’t want them to know what he’s done as they would be horrified. He’s furious that I confided in my own parents, and says we should keep things private. I really needed their advice and support.

single it was from a business account not even a personal account and involved forgery....

@Singlenotsingle yes I’m happy to share things with him, but it’s the lying and deception I can’t cope with. A marriage should be about trust

damsel this isn't a good thing.
even with triple checking what he spent it on, adding in therapy, you will never trust him with money again.
crossing the line into the business account is huge massively illegal.