Husband stole from me (again)

[Damsel77]

I am at my wits end.

I have only been married 3 months. 2 days ago I checked my bank account and found out my lovely husband had taken my personal cheque book (which I never use, it’s just been lying around the house) and written himself a cheque for £100.00. He’d not bothered to tell me. I felt physically sick and devastated.

This is not the first time this has happened. Around a year ago, I noticed items on my credit card statement I didn’t recognise, and sure enough, after a lot of lies and digging, found out he’d been using it behind my back. At the time I went baliisitic abd told him if he ever did this again I wouldn’t marry him. Now here we are, married, and he’s at it again.

What makes it worse is that there’s no real explanation, other than ‘I didn’t think you’d mind’, which is another lie as he knew from the last time I would be furious.

I can’t get my head around it. He works, has a good job and earns a good wage. But always seems to be broke. I’m pretty sure there’s nothing going on like gambling or drugs, he’s just terrible at managing his money.

I feel like the trust is completely broken and my initial reaction was divorce. He says I’m completely overreacting.

The big problem is we are in the middle of a very long, difficult TTC journey. I am 39, he is 44 and we were supposed to be going abroad for IVF in 2 months. I know this is terrible but I’m genuinely scared that if I end it, I’m also ending any chance of being a mother. There’s no way I could go it alone (say, with a sperm donor) as I don’t have any support.

I am so torn about what do do, and so hurt. I feel like whichever way I turn, I’ll be unhappy.

Re-train him by taking full control of his spending.

No, don't do do this, it's awful advice.. He isn't a dog, he is a fully functioning adult who thinks it's acceptable to steal from his wife. The responsibility is his to change his behaviour, not yours.

@Singlenotsingle

Isn't this all a bit of an overreaction? When you marry, isn't everything supposed to be joint property? Isn't there something in the marriage vows that goes "With all my worldly goods I thee endow"? It seems totally OTT to break up a marriage over £100! And yes, I get it that he should have asked you first, but still ...

Glad I'm not the only one who thinks this. I find it bizarre that any husband can be accused of 'STEALING from his wife (or that she can be accused of stealing from HIM.) You are a married couple. It should be classed as joint money/family money? Why keep it separate when you are married?

I am always baffled when I read about married couples having separate money!

@Damsel77 Saying 'I am happy to share things with him...' you should be doing that anyway. It should be a given. You are a MARRIED COUPLE.

@Durgasarrow

he's committed a crime against you and he wants to get away with it.

Errr OK... Imagine reporting this to the police. 'Umm my HUSBAND stole £100 from me!' Do you think they would waste time on this?

I do agree with the posters saying you should leave, and end the marriage though, but not purely because of him. Because of both of you. It just doesn't sound like a marriage to me. Married couples don't behave like the two of you are doing.

And I would not be bringing a baby into this situation.

Have you seen his credit report ? It should list his debts so you can see where it's been going.

Can the clinic not use donor sperm?

Sorry to be the echo chamber but please do listen to what people are saying:

1. This is theft. It's from your business account, it needs to be accountable for your tax return, it has nothing to do with your personal money. The fact he could do that so blatantly and still not think its a big deal is shocking. Anyone else would be reported to the police immediately. If he forged a cheque and stole from any other business then he would be reported to the police. Doesn't matter if it is for £100 or £10,000.
2. Being out of money so quickly and having a dreadful credit rating really does scream that there are other things going on. Mismanaging money to that extent, month in and month out and with nothing physical to show for it? Nah. He's extremely likely to be a gambling addict. Or a drug user. I would almost take the second over the first but both are his problem, he needs to want to sort it out and he needs to be honest with himself as well as you. Doesn't sound like he is anywhere near that.
3. He is NOT a good father to his existing child if he acts like this. Bringing another child in to the world with him will be hell. He will continue to steal, he will continue to overspend, he will continue to lie and he will continue to let you down. You say you cannot do this alone because you have no support. Is no support really going to be harder than a husband who is draining your money, draining your confidence, draining your happiness and will create such intense stress and upset that your child is born in to a horrible relationship with a Dad who cannot prioritise them or their Mum? You will be tied to him forever, you will be bailing him out forever, he will know you can't get rid of him so he will get worse.
4. Read up on the idea of a sunken fallacy. Where you feel you have invested so much in something that if you just keep investing more then things will work out. That pulling out now is wasting what you have invested. No. It isn't. Pulling out now will be an incredible relief, once the upset has calmed.
5. Believe in yourself and your own self worth. You deserve so much more than this. You cannot rescue someone who doesn't want to be rescued. You cannot have an adult relationship with someone who doesn't take responsibility for being an adult. You cannot happily have a child with someone whose life is built on a web of lies.

It must be horrendous to think that he has not only ruined your life, but ruined your chance of being a Mum. From bitter experience, i will just add one more thing. Sometimes fertility issues are exacerbated when your body is in fight or flight mode. Even if you cannot bear to leave him, please try and sort this out before going for fertility treatment, with or without him. Otherwise you will be wasting your money and pay another huge toll on your physical and mental health.

Wow. Some people think it's ok to forge their partners signature to take money from their partners business account. Ok...

Probably at least slightly frowned upon if the bank are advising to report it to the police.

Isn't there something in the marriage vows that goes "With all my worldly goods I thee endow"? It seems totally OTT to break up a marriage over £100!
It was from a buisness account. He would have done it again and again. It would have serious consequences for the buisness.
He deliberately forged her signature which means he wanted to deceive the Op. This goes beyond sharing your worldly goods!

@zeezee3 and @Singlenotsingle - this was her business account. Not her personal account. He didn't steal from 'her' money, he stole from a business that she happens to own. That isn't sharing money that's been earned, that's stealing. She has already said that their income and savings are in a shared account.

If he thought he was entitled to any of this then he would have asked for it or taken it from their joint account. Not forged a cheque for a BUSINESS account that is nothing to do with him.

Business accounting is pretty strict and all income and outgoings have to be accounted for. How you can dismiss this as petty is beyond me. £100 isn't the point, its the forging and stealing.

I find it bizarre that any husband can be accused of 'STEALING from his wife

He forged OP name on a cheque for her business account, he did not just help himself to an extra tenner from a household kitty that is used for milk and bread. If that is not theft I don't know what your line in the sand is.

"Married couples don't behave like the two of you are doing"

I agree with this actually, the OP seems to have an attitude of "us in it together, building a family" while he is acting like a thieving git that lies and is secretive. I think that the desire that OP has to have a family is going to overlook this thieving and she will be back in a year or two wondering where her baby's christening money has gone to, why she can't afford food for the baby and proclaiming how shocked she is about this.

OK - you need to stand back and think this through objectively - imagine a friend telling you all this and think what your advice might be.

• this is a man who lies and steals and cannot be trusted.
• you chose to marry him in spite of this.
• he cannot manage money.
• he forges your signature to steal money from your business.
• you are planning active steps towards starting a family with this man.
• you are staying with him because you are frightened that you will lose the chance to be a mother if you leave.

I think that bringing a child into your world of lying and lack of trust might be a cruel thing to do.

I'm sorry I missed that it was a business account, and no he should not have taken from that. But the rest of my post still stands. There is too much of MY money/HIS money, and the marriage sounds toxic. She clearly cannot trust her husband, and they seem to be more like flatmates than a married couple.

Glad I'm not the only one who thinks this. I find it bizarre that any husband can be accused of 'STEALING from his wife (or that she can be accused of stealing from HIM.) You are a married couple. It should be classed as joint money/family money? Why keep it separate when you are married?

Do people really not get it that this was from a business account, not a personal account? If OP can't pay her staff or her suppliers because her husband is plundering the business account, it's a very serious matter.

And it would still be serious if it were her personal account. Forging your spouse's signature so as to be able to withdraw money surreptitiously from their account stinks.

Do you want you child's dad to be a criminal? I wouldn't.

A

Sorry - that sounds very blunt, but please do not drift into a situation where a child is mixed up in this. Children need a stable home, whether with a couple or a single parent. What they do not need is an absence of trust between their parents. That is a very stressful way to grow up.

Some really good advice from @regularbutpanickingabit there.

Yes to getting this out in the open. Of course he doesn't want his parents finding out; because he knows it's wrong. Also shouts COWARD.

He's a thief and a liar. Sorry, but I don't know why you would even want to be tied to this loser for life with a child. You do have other options.

You also need to find out where the money is going. It's not normal to be skint a week after payday unless he has massive debts you don't know about. It's going somewhere... he is hiding something.

I'd be most concerned that this £100 was like the small 'trial' payment that people make when they steal your credit card - to see if it works. If it worked and you hadn't noticed, the next theft would have been more, much much more, and your business would be in trouble and you would be struggling to find out what happened. He might have made a payment to someone that looked legit, and you may never have got to the bottom of it until the business was failing.

And he's in a hotel and still more worried about the money than the effect on you? Blow the whole thing wide open. Tell his parents, tell everyone, just as you would if he'd cheated. Don't keep everything to yourself just in case it ruins your chances of TTC. Sperm donors and egg donors and fertility clinics will still be there long after he's back at his mum's.

Also don't let guilt over his daughter colour your views. This could all go very bad, very fast, because this man has problems you know nothing about. Yet.

YY to such high stress making fertility issues worse.

Maybe you need to find some extra backbone to make the decision to cut your losses now to maximise your chances of a baby with someone else. I suggest getting an Experian report on your own finances and going through old statements with a fine toothcomb, like others said, you are unlikely to have caught him every time. Especially given the brazenness of the business cheque forgery. Also, tell him you want to see his credit report from Experian too. Stand over him while he does the online application. His reaction will tell you everything. I predict he will do anything to avoid you seeing his credit report.

and says we should keep things private
Hahahaha - of course he does.
But you need to now involve everyone.
I'd be telling him that if he doesn't go to his parents and move in with them and tell them everything then you will.

You cannot have a baby with this liar and thief.
Why would you inflict this person as a male role model on your child?

What does he do with all his money?
There must be something going on here.
Gambling?
Prostitutes?
Drugs?
Alcohol?

A months wage does not go after 3 days unless he is doing something wreckless.

The only way to salvage this (I wouldn't but certainly wouldn't judge you if you wanted to) is to take full control of all the money.
But honestly..... He'll probably just get another credit card or loan.

I find it bizarre that any husband can be accused of 'STEALING from his wife (or that she can be accused of stealing from HIM.) You are a married couple. It should be classed as joint money/family money? Why keep it separate when you are married?

What decade are you living in!!!???

Go back to the dark ages where you belong!

I'm so sorry OP. This really sounds like either an addiction of kinds.....gambling or drugs. Or another woman. Something's very wrong. Is he absent for any periods? Any idea where he goes? I'm heartbroken for you, but sadly I think you absolutely must get to the bottom of it. Typically addicts don't want anyone else knowing anything - wider family. I guarantee whatever spun out version he's telling you first off will only be the tip of the iceberg. He will test the water initially to gauge your 'shock' response ..,.so if you want to extract as much truth as possible first off, don't act shocked.....do your best to hide it. He's in denial over something.

Run a credit check on him (like Clearscore). That should give you an honest picture of his credit.

But it is stealing, lovely, however you look at it. And I personally think reporting him would trigger a crisis so he can't hide from it anymore.

Asking and taking are two very different actions.

Don't let your need to have children cloud your vision.

I find it bizarre that any husband can be accused of 'STEALING from his wife (or that she can be accused of stealing from HIM.) You are a married couple. It should be classed as joint money/family money? Why keep it separate when you are married
Hilarious! 😂😂😂 the twisted mindset of a denier who probably has the same problem!!!!!

If not here, then where do you draw the line?

When the cheque is for £1000/£10,000 and you can't pay your business' bills that month?

When his debts are so high that the repayments are the same as his wage and he cannot pay you a penny towards bills or the child?

When they are higher, and not only is he not contributing to the family but you are paying his debts as well as supporting yourself, him and a child?

Come on.

I have access to DH's bank accounts which is a long story involving our bank letting him have more permissions (from them) to do things than me on our joint account, but I run the household budget and bill paying. I'd never take money from his account without asking first. I think if I did several times he'd be talking divorce too.

Does your joint account have an overdraft facility? I have learned from MN that if you are married to a thief, when he realises the game is up, he will likely take all the cash out of the account as well as maxing out the overdraft. You can do nothing about it after the fact and will be liable for the debt.

Start securing your money and access to debt.