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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband stole from me (again)

231 replies

Damsel77 · 12/08/2019 06:05

I am at my wits end.

I have only been married 3 months. 2 days ago I checked my bank account and found out my lovely husband had taken my personal cheque book (which I never use, it’s just been lying around the house) and written himself a cheque for £100.00. He’d not bothered to tell me. I felt physically sick and devastated.

This is not the first time this has happened. Around a year ago, I noticed items on my credit card statement I didn’t recognise, and sure enough, after a lot of lies and digging, found out he’d been using it behind my back. At the time I went baliisitic abd told him if he ever did this again I wouldn’t marry him. Now here we are, married, and he’s at it again.

What makes it worse is that there’s no real explanation, other than ‘I didn’t think you’d mind’, which is another lie as he knew from the last time I would be furious.

I can’t get my head around it. He works, has a good job and earns a good wage. But always seems to be broke. I’m pretty sure there’s nothing going on like gambling or drugs, he’s just terrible at managing his money.

I feel like the trust is completely broken and my initial reaction was divorce. He says I’m completely overreacting.

The big problem is we are in the middle of a very long, difficult TTC journey. I am 39, he is 44 and we were supposed to be going abroad for IVF in 2 months. I know this is terrible but I’m genuinely scared that if I end it, I’m also ending any chance of being a mother. There’s no way I could go it alone (say, with a sperm donor) as I don’t have any support.

I am so torn about what do do, and so hurt. I feel like whichever way I turn, I’ll be unhappy.

OP posts:
666onmyhead · 12/08/2019 06:44

He's probably having a great time at the hotel and guess who's going to get the bill in one way or another.
He's a user .
Get rid.
Even having a pet with this person would be too much commitment, yet alone a child.

Ragwort · 12/08/2019 06:45

Please think about the child you would be bringing into this relationship, having a cheating, thief for a father. If you are so determined to become a mother you can do it on your own.

Original poster
Damsel77 · 12/08/2019 06:45

Even if he had confessed to me a few days later, it would t have been as bad. But the way I had to find out, by checking my statements, ringing the back, and the embarrassment of being told it had been laid into my husbands account. I just can’t get my head around how he thought I wouldn’t find out

OP posts:
Pineapplefish · 12/08/2019 06:46

OP, have you heard the expression "fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me"? He got away with this last time with no serious consequences so he did it again. If you keep taking him back he has no incentive to stop. I'm so sorry for your TTC troubles, but if you go ahead with this man you should be prepared to go it alone. I don't think you can trust him to stick by you and support you.

MyOtherProfile · 12/08/2019 06:46

I would be making sure his parents know and can talk to him. He clearly isn't taking this seriously and is assuming you will take him back any minute.

Mummyoflittledragon · 12/08/2019 06:47

He stole from your business. This is really not good. Children are incredibly expensive. Will you still be able to earn when you’re on mat leave? What happens if you fall pregnant and have a high needs baby or get ill / disabled after the baby’s birth? Realistically financially you know you are on your own already.

I know you are ttc. You therefore don’t even know if either of you actually can have children. Don’t get caught in the sunken costs fallacy. Your husband needs to shape up for you to have a child together. Right now you are wasting your most fertile years with a man, who isn’t financially and possibly emotionally capable of being a parent.

category12 · 12/08/2019 06:47

There must be something else going on for him to do this, and constantly to be skint. Gambling, drugs, prostitutes, hidden debt. I think there's a rabbit hole you're unaware of.

You sound like someone with a bit of something about you. Why couldn't you go it alone, really? Childcare (au pair etc) might be cheaper than him.

fraxion · 12/08/2019 06:53

If you have a joint bank account surely you can see where his money is going? Is the house in your sole name as I'm quite sure you can't change the locks if it isn't.

Durgasarrow · 12/08/2019 06:53

Of course he wants to keep things "private"--he's committed a crime against you and he wants to get away with it. Do not have a child with this liar. Think of how it would feel to have a father who would act this way.

tinkz92 · 12/08/2019 06:55

I think you need to sit down and have a conversation about what's really going on. Get him to produce a list of his finances and you might be able to find out why he has no money so soon after being paid and may be able to help him sort out his money if there's no other issues e.g. gambling etc.

I don't think you should carry on ttc until you find out what is really going on because he might end up putting you in financial difficulty with his stealing and dishonesty which is not a good situation to be in if you have a baby.
If it carries on tell him that you will report him for fraud/theft for faking your signature on a cheque.

rosedream · 12/08/2019 06:57

I think you need to see the debt he owes.

Being skint a week after payday is more than mismanaging money.

You need to see what he has on hire purchase , cards etc.

I think you may be opening up a can of worms.

Perhaps if the debt is dealt with in a manageable way you can move forward from this.

Has he the money to help pay for the IVF treatment ? Do you have a mortgage as his debt could loose you your house.

lisbet679 · 12/08/2019 06:57

He must have some serious debt if he's nicking your money one week after his payday. Do you know the extent of his debts?

That might be a place to start.

lisbet679 · 12/08/2019 06:59

Crosspost there - my thoughts exactly from rosedream

thecatsarecrazy · 12/08/2019 07:02

My husband is shocking with money always has been. I recently found out he had more money coming in than I knew about. He gives me some to cover bills and is meant to keep some back for fuel. He was keeping a chunk on top for himself. We were meant to be saving for an ISA £1200 to put in I asked him how much he had saved so far.. 0! So I told him from now on all wages will go into joint account so I can see what he's spending.

AngelasAshes · 12/08/2019 07:03

I hardly ever say LTB on mumsnet but in this case, I think you do need to divorce him.
If you really want to be a mother, and you fund it soul destroying then reconsider a sperm donor or look into adopting. You would have less stress as a single mum than a mum with him for a husband and dad.

Original poster
Damsel77 · 12/08/2019 07:04

He’s adamant he wants to keep this private (obviously), but I’ve been thinking of perhaps going to discuss it with his parents, maybe getting them to talk to him? At the moment he’s trying to minimise the whole thing, but I feel it needs to be out in the open, and dealt with, rather than pushed under the carpet. What does anyone think?

OP posts:
IrisAtwood · 12/08/2019 07:04

Hi OP,
It sounds as if you are going through hell. I know that you are desperate to conceive, but honestly? You know what you need to do.

You can’t bring a child into this. He will never change and he will carry on. He stole from your business account and forged a cheque.

My Dad was like your husband. It was horrible. We were constantly in debt, couldn’t pay bills and my mother worked like a dog. He ran away at one point and took his credit card. He told everyone he was dying of cancer and came back after six weeks with a credit card bill of more than £6k. He died 2 years ago and my mother kept finding unpaid bills he’d hidden and receiving loan and card demands in the post that she had no idea about. She’s now living in a rented house on a state pension.

The point of telling you that is that your husband sounds similar to my Dad and that is how your life could be if you stay with him.

Having a child will only increase your anxiety. If you try and save for your child I guarantee that he will steal from anything your child has too.

I am really sorry but he is a liar, a thief and a forger. Not good father material.

kalinkafoxtrot45 · 12/08/2019 07:07

I’m sorry OP, but he is a thief and a liar. Of course he wants to keep this private. It would be madness to have a child with him. He cannot be trusted.

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 12/08/2019 07:09

He works and earns a good wage which presumably goes into your joint account.

Yet you say he 'always seems to be broke' and 'is broke within a week of being paid'

As you have a joint account you can see where money is going out can't you?

Or do you both have an allowance for the month that he is taking out and blowing straight away?

You need to get to the bottom of his finances although the sneakiness of his actions suggest you may struggle to get the full picture.

I'd tell his parents tbh, get it out in the open

SummerInTheVillage · 12/08/2019 07:09

This will be the rest of your life. You know that.

Throw him out. He isn't sorry and has no intention of changing - he's a dishonest loser.

ThinkWittyThoughts · 12/08/2019 07:10

Bringing a child into a relationship exposes the cracks. Any cracks. They can become wider and deeper in ways you cannot imagine.

DO NOT HAVE A CHILD WITH THIS MAN

You cannot trust him. So you won't trust him with your child. You won't trust him to support you. WHEN you split, he won't contribute financially and you won't trust him to have overnights. You'll end up raising this child alone anyway.

Don't speak to his parents. He's not a child, you have to deal with the lying, forging, untrustworthy, entitled adult in front of you.

I know it's hard to realise someone isn't the person you hoped they were. But it's even harder being tied to someone for life through a child when you can't trust them.

Thanks
Figgygal · 12/08/2019 07:10

Honestly I think he will only get worse
He's not learned from the last time 44 year old man stealing from his wife
Was he hoping to get away with it?
You will get dragged down with him long term

I'd certainly not be having a baby with him
I think I'd be done with him tbh

rosedream · 12/08/2019 07:12

You need to know what debt he's in !

You're focusing on what he did - stole from you.

You need to find out the full extent of why he needed to.

The steeling is the tip of the iceberg. The reaction to the cause.

It's the 90% you don't see that's the cause and the issue. This is what you need to find out.

I'd be very worried about what debt he owes.

museumum · 12/08/2019 07:13

I know it seems easy for me to say but if you feel you can’t “go it alone” then do not get pregnant with him. You WILL be alone or you will be tied to him unable to maintain any reasonable boundaries for fear of being alone with a child and he will be able to do as he pleases because he’ll know you won’t leave.

thethoughtfox · 12/08/2019 07:13

OP, once you have the child you will be even more trapped with more expenses and potentially less earning power if you take time off.