Husband stole from me (again)

[Damsel77]

I am at my wits end.

I have only been married 3 months. 2 days ago I checked my bank account and found out my lovely husband had taken my personal cheque book (which I never use, it’s just been lying around the house) and written himself a cheque for £100.00. He’d not bothered to tell me. I felt physically sick and devastated.

This is not the first time this has happened. Around a year ago, I noticed items on my credit card statement I didn’t recognise, and sure enough, after a lot of lies and digging, found out he’d been using it behind my back. At the time I went baliisitic abd told him if he ever did this again I wouldn’t marry him. Now here we are, married, and he’s at it again.

What makes it worse is that there’s no real explanation, other than ‘I didn’t think you’d mind’, which is another lie as he knew from the last time I would be furious.

I can’t get my head around it. He works, has a good job and earns a good wage. But always seems to be broke. I’m pretty sure there’s nothing going on like gambling or drugs, he’s just terrible at managing his money.

I feel like the trust is completely broken and my initial reaction was divorce. He says I’m completely overreacting.

The big problem is we are in the middle of a very long, difficult TTC journey. I am 39, he is 44 and we were supposed to be going abroad for IVF in 2 months. I know this is terrible but I’m genuinely scared that if I end it, I’m also ending any chance of being a mother. There’s no way I could go it alone (say, with a sperm donor) as I don’t have any support.

I am so torn about what do do, and so hurt. I feel like whichever way I turn, I’ll be unhappy.

I do hear and agree with what everyone is saying, and to be honest I would give the same advice to anyone else. But, in terms of TTC, what hope is there for me now? It’s highly unlikely I’m going to meet someone else and be ready to have a baby before my time runs out 😪. So devastated. He’s not only ruined my life but my dream of being a mother. I feel like giving up

I feel for you.
I was in a similar situation a few years ago.
It turned out he had a serious gambling problem. I had no idea at the time. I just couldn't understand how he could earn a good wage and always be short of money.

We are no longer together. I have had to take on the mortgage on my own (including all the debts he occurred).

Sadly he just won't accept the help he needs and he regularly lets me down with child maintenance.

I know it's hard, but I would suggest talking to someone you can trust.
I've been there myself and I really feel for you.

Firstly - as other people have said, he is a liar and a thief. Is that the person you want to be a father to your child? Surely being a single parent would be more secure than living with him? If you continue with this relationship you are going to have to maintain tight security in your own home - that’s no way to live.

Secondly, why did your bank pay out on a cheque that didn’t have your signature? Is he an expert forger who has been practicing your signature? I would want them to investigate this further. If they have paid out the money on a signature that is not like yours they should be refunding it to your account and pursing him for the funds.

Also, another issue is he has a young daughter (aged 8) from a previous relationship. She stays with us on and off. She’s due to come back this week.. I know it’s not really my problem but where will they stay if I keep him out? She’s already gone through one break up (my OH and her mum) and I know this will destroy her. I get that he should’ve thought of that but he clearly didn’t. It’s all such a mess.

Please don’t bring a kid into this. You cannot trust him, he is using his own resources and taking yours without care.

This is the kind of guy you will find yourself hiding the baby food around the house to avoid him eating it when he feels he needs a snack.

You can put up with a man like that as long as you ensure he has no access to your accounts and you remain, financially, fully independent. But with a kid, it is impossible and stressful, you will find yourself fighting to save some resources for the kid from his selfish dad.

@OMGshefoundmeout

I hear you, but how can I be a single parent if I can’t conceive?

The bank said the signature looked just like mine. So he obviously did it well. 😪 I’m waiting for them to send me a copy. They advised me to go to the police but I haven’t yet.

Oh Op, whag a difficult situation.

Look, this isn’t normal behaviour. There MUST be something else going on, gambling etc. Unless he’s walkign around in designer clothes dripping with jewels? What exactly did he need £100 for that he couldn’t ask you for? I’d bet good money (ironic) that he’s spent it gambling.

Honestly, I think if I was in your shoes, if maybe go ahead with the IVF knowing that the relationship was unlikely to continue, whilst telling his parents and making plans to leave. OR, just go ahead and do the IVF with donor sperm.

It sounds like you are doing everything alone, you’ll be having a baby alone either way.

First step: sit down with him and go through his bank accounts and see what he spent his last pay on, and do a credit check. If he won’t: he’s hiding something bad

I don’t think I’d leave him but I’d definitely sit down for a big conversation and insist he engages - with you there - with someone who can help him with debt/finances. There’s a debt charity that helps people pay off what they owe and work out a plan (are they called Step change?). I’d also work out some ground rules - no ‘borrowing’ behind your back, joint budget etc.

I definitely wouldn’t involve his parents. That further infantilises him when he’s already behaving like a child.

Just kept him go. Having debts at 44 when you are trying for a baby and he just can’t manage his money...

Then start another thread about your TTC options.

Have you spoken to your DSDs mother? Do you know the reason for their split?
It’s very kind of you to be so concerned about her at the moment.

This situation is truly devastating and TTC just makes it so awful. You need to divorce him and I’d think seriously about calling the police also. He needs a reality check.

Is it possible to do an Experian check on him (not sure if that’s permitted?), to see how many credit cards and loans he has with whom?

If he is gambling, the situation will sadly get worse, and the sooner you get out the better.
My (now ex) is in a real sorry state. He can't support our children and literally blows all his wages online the minute they enter his bank.
He lives with his mother and has no bills or rent to pay.
I have been lumbered with the arrears he built up on our joint mortgage.
I had absolutely no idea at the time.
I had to go to court and thankfully the house was saved just two days before the repossession date when he moved out and I took on the mortgage on my own.
He won't accept any support and continues to let me down with child maintenance payments.
I can't stress how important it is to break free.
I know how hard it is and I hate hearing of anyone else in this situation.

I am so sorry but you know you can't stay with someone who steals, lies and minimises. The fact that you consider his daughter shows that you have a kind hearted nature and staying with him will just result in him taking advantage of that time and time again.

If you haven't already I'd change all banking passwords and cancel cards/cheque books and get new ones so he doesn't have any access to your money.

Secondly, why did your bank pay out on a cheque that didn’t have your signature?

You don’t need to be an expert forger to fake a signature but need to be an expert to identify a fake one.

My ex has faked my signature as well, including transferring DS’ child trust and moving all the money to his bank account before cancelling our “mutual” account. He did also take £1000s from DS account to pay for petrol, take his me woman on holidays or to pay for nights out.

Sadly, being the more affluent brings “justice” to your side. When I said he stole that money, even the bank took a condescending attitude to say why would someone with so much money steal so little? Same for the family courts, in fact he blamed me for the theft... and they believed him and made me pay him the money he stole from me.

OP, take t from someone who has been there. You are with someone who is a thief and has no principles, you can love Robin Hood but you cannot fecking have him as the father of your child.

He can see his daughter at his parents, or take her out, you can tell everyone you are ill in the short term.

I’m not going to tell you what to do OP. Give yourself time. Don’t speak to him until your feelings are settled. And remember his parents aren’t able to change him now. When and if you take him back, you’re taking the man with the same qualities.

OP I fee for you I really do but he's done this before and knows how angry you were. I'm guessing that if he had asked, you would have lent him the money yet he went to the great lengths of forging you're signature. That takes time,practice and panning. If you stay with I it will Happen again. Out of interest, what did your parents say?

I would report him to the police and your bank for fraud. I'm almost perpetually broke but I'd never steal from my partner (and then lie about it). Out of interest, if he had asked you, would you have loaned or given him the money?

You'd be better off with a sperm donor, they can't take your money.

What FineWordsforaPorcupine said. Get out, OP. You can't divorce for a year (as I understand it?) but end this now.

If you have a child with this man you will just be bringing them into this mess. He knows what he's doing. End it, he has deceived you, stolen from your business account - and it won't stop there. This is calculated.

Who owns the house?

I'm so sorry to hear this OP; the timing is dreadful given what you're going through. I think your husbands behaviour is a big red flag, however sometimes people do unacceptable things when they feel cornered. The most important thing I think is to find out why your husband is behaving in this way. I would be going straight to a marriage guidance counsellor together with the aim of finding out what is going on as soon as possible and then trying to make a plan for addressing the behaviour together. I also agree that involving his parents (with his consent) is a good idea so you have some support. I can't comment on why he is behaving in this way and it may be a sign that something else is going on (drugs or gambling as an example) or it may simply be his debt is out of control. If it's the latter it's important to remember that some people have deep seated issues with money and the way they spend it and really struggle not to overspend. I also think your husband may be feeling shame about the situation he's got himself into but you need him to be totally honest about his debts / behaviour. However angry you feel I think you need to try and stay calm and non-judgemental - that's the best way to get him to be honest I think.

Only you know if you can rebuild your relationship- FWIW I could not go forward with someone who steals, lies and emotionally blackmailed me.

What I would say is that I had my children when I was 37 & 38. It's THE hardest thing I've ever done. If it wasn't for my DH and family support from my mum, sister and in-laws it would not have been a good experience.

My DH is 100% trustworthy, shares everything he has with me and is devoted to our children. He is financially planning for their future with savings and investment accounts. The children are 1&2.

I think you know that if you go on to have a child with this man you will be a single parent in all but name. You will have to hide and protect yours and your children's assets from him because he WILL "borrow" from you all. You will be solely responsible for the family security.

Is that something you are prepared for and willing to do?

It will be harder to manage tied to this man than it would using a doner.

Im so sorry you have to make this decision.

The money is going somewhere - it has to be. And as it's your money that is disappearing you have a right to know where it's going. I think you need to sit down and have a very frank conversation with him, if he's not completely honest about everything then you need to seriously consider whether you want a child with this man. Things are only going to get worse if you bring a child into this - and no support is better than someone who doesn't think twice about stealing from you (and, presumably, your child?).

Gosh OP, this is so sad and what a nightmare situation. For me, I would end the relationship but then I’m not emotionally attached. If you really want to keep the relationship going ,then I think you have to get commitment from him by him bringing everything about his finances out into the open. Also ask yourself, would you still want to be with him if he turned out to infertile. Is it him as a person or a sperm donor you want? You sound a caring person and you will find the strength to get through this.

To be brutally honest, at your age this is probably your last chance to have a child. You might be super fertile, but if youre having ivf probably not. You either need to.properly forgive him on the.caveat that he seeks real financial help and you have full access to his finances to work out where hes going wrong, or you do ivf alone and become a single parent. Or you dont do it at all. Its a horrible position to be in OP, but you could be throwing away your only.chance at motherhood over 100 quid. But he has stolen from you so theres something else going on that you dont know about financially that needs urgent attention.

I don't think there is any going back from forging your wife's signature on a cheque 3 days after pay day. If he thought you wouldn't mind he would have asked you for money. Being in a position to need £100 three days after pay day is more than just being bad at managing money. I fear you will have a future of debt and lies, and associated stress.

Your dh stole from you before but you still married him? And TTC?
I am just amazed you felt this man would make a good father and husband, given the dishonesty and the fact he can’t provide for either of you.
It is going to be far worse bringing a child into this, he could rack up huge debts in your name, ruin you financially. I would be changing my passwords, increasing my security and filing for divorce.
The mistake was marrying him, don’t compound it by bringing a baby into this awful situation, you will be stuck with him forever.

I think he needs to be very honest with you about his debts. You don’t seem to know what the situation is.