Husband stole from me (again)

[Damsel77]

I am at my wits end.

I have only been married 3 months. 2 days ago I checked my bank account and found out my lovely husband had taken my personal cheque book (which I never use, it’s just been lying around the house) and written himself a cheque for £100.00. He’d not bothered to tell me. I felt physically sick and devastated.

This is not the first time this has happened. Around a year ago, I noticed items on my credit card statement I didn’t recognise, and sure enough, after a lot of lies and digging, found out he’d been using it behind my back. At the time I went baliisitic abd told him if he ever did this again I wouldn’t marry him. Now here we are, married, and he’s at it again.

What makes it worse is that there’s no real explanation, other than ‘I didn’t think you’d mind’, which is another lie as he knew from the last time I would be furious.

I can’t get my head around it. He works, has a good job and earns a good wage. But always seems to be broke. I’m pretty sure there’s nothing going on like gambling or drugs, he’s just terrible at managing his money.

I feel like the trust is completely broken and my initial reaction was divorce. He says I’m completely overreacting.

The big problem is we are in the middle of a very long, difficult TTC journey. I am 39, he is 44 and we were supposed to be going abroad for IVF in 2 months. I know this is terrible but I’m genuinely scared that if I end it, I’m also ending any chance of being a mother. There’s no way I could go it alone (say, with a sperm donor) as I don’t have any support.

I am so torn about what do do, and so hurt. I feel like whichever way I turn, I’ll be unhappy.

DEBTS ARE NOT JOINT UNLESS THEY ARE IN JOINT NAMES AND BOTH PARTIES SIGNED UP.
I can't say that loud enough. You CANNOT make someone else liable for your debts in any way. Being married does not change that. If I run up a £10k credit card bill on a card in my name my DH is NOT liable. EVER. Only I am.
If there is a divorce, then one could look to see what the debts were incurred for, and take account of that in the settlement. But that is not the same thing. It is quite normal for a husband to go bankrupt and his wife not, or vice versa. If all debts were joint, it would always be both. It isn't.
@TanMateix you are legally wrong. Debts run up in a sole name are NOT made joint by marriage. Please stop continuing this misinformation.

They might be in joint names without OP knowing. He's happy to forge a cheque on a business account so why not on a loan application?

He could have/will forge your signatures for loans, credit cards etc.
I'm sorry he duped you into believing he was The One.
He isn't.
Get rid.

The lies, the stealing, the playing it down - you don't need us to tell you OP. This man you are sharing your life with does not respect you, your money or your relationship. Having a baby with him means it will only get worse. And he's 44! He's hardly a young man. This is not good op. If he's in need of some money, he only has to ask. But he doesn't. He chooses to steal. Chooses to.

If you have a child with this man, not only will you have to live with his lying and cheating (and also with the impact that'll have on your self-esteem), but so will your baby. Chances are you'll break up at some point; even if you stay together there will probably always be an atmosphere of mistrust hanging over your relationship which will become the template for their future relationships.

I have a friend who had a baby on her own at 42 with donor sperm. I have several friends who had kids with the 'my last chance to be a mother' bloke. Do I even need to tell you who has the easier life?

My fiancé's wages get paid into my account and would never dream of taking his money without asking!
If he takes my card to work he will even ring and ask if he can buy a bloody drink! He's stealing from you!

The bank said the signature looked just like mine. So he obviously did it well. 😪 I’m waiting for them to send me a copy. They advised me to go to the police but I haven’t yet

^ He planned this. To forge someones signature well it needs to be practised. Like pps have said, he's a liar. He's a thief. Do not tie yourself to this man with a child. You deserve better.

It is not worth having a child at any cost, just not worth it.

Actually you don't need that much practise to forge a signature, I can make a pretty good stab at most signatures with three or four attempts and I'm not at all artistic. I've never done it with criminal intent though (just in case anyone is going to tell me off).

This man forged your signature! He didn’t just act on impulse. He deliberately set out to steal from and defraud your business! That is not joint or family money. And he is being furtive and evasive, trying to keep this a secret from his parents. I reckon he has form for this and you may discover more fraudulent actions. It may just be the tip of the iceberg and there could be cards out, or a loan in your name etc. I would at the very least asked him to leave and tell his parents, in case there is more. I personally would consider reporting him for fraud though. I have been ripped off by a former partner though and thus have a zero-tolerance policy for this kind of duplicitous shit. If you let this go, you may end up with a lot more trouble by not reporting this. And fuck having a child with this thief.

@Tonnerre, you are the one peddling rubbish. There is no set formula, but both debts and assets are considered “mutual” if acquired before splitting up. Which is not the same as saying they will be split equally or that they cannot be disregarded at a later debt. There is no set formula, every case is different but you can both be asked to pay for that debt even it is in different percentages.

Don’t have him back. He’s a thief and happy to commit fraud.

I can read how much you want to have a baby, but this is not the right man to have a baby with. You will not be able to have the maternity leave you want, because you will need to get back to work because he can’t support you. You won’t be able to give your baby things like swimming lessons, or music classes or a bit of a holiday, because he will have spent all your savings. You will have to stand there as he lets them down, time and time again. Don’t have a child with a man you don’t trust. And this man can’t be trusted.

He's a Gambler.
He's a liar
He's a thief.

You don't know misery OP until you are drowning in debt because of a spouse.

Try Gam Anon for the stories of lives destroyed. They have meetings all over the country.

3 days after he's been paid, now broke.
Gambling.

His parents probably know and also have been stolen from.

You definitely could go for an annulment based on fraud.

You have come on MN asking for advice.
Please hear it.
Get out now or realise you will never truly have any peace in your life.

He has spent time practising your signature.

He is nothing more than a con man.

You have been warned.

Tonnerre, you are the one peddling rubbish. There is no set formula, but both debts and assets are considered “mutual” if acquired before splitting up.

This is simply not true. They are not mutual unless they were jointly incurred, e.g. husband and wife both signing a mortgage. And why attack me alone when hidingmystatus has said precisely the same thing? Wives cannot legally be made to pay debts their husbands incur, or vice versa.

@TanMateix only where debts are jointly incurred, are they considered joint debts. One person is not responsible for another person's debt, if that debt is in their sole name.

Glad I'm not the only one who thinks this. I find it bizarre that any husband can be accused of 'STEALING from his wife

He forged OPs signature, the bank said call the police. He most certainly can be accused of stealing. he can also be accused of a totter crime that injures her personhood.

My Dad's second wife did this, first £999 and them £ 10,000. Dad got the money back and then got divorced. She was a raging alcoholic and a dyed in the wool liar.

A totter = any other

I didn’t think you’d mind = “I don’t care about your feelings”

Mine stole repeatedly even though it was our joint account, in that he gambled and gambled and when he finally fell apart, developed psychosis as a result of guilt (IMO), and went to therapy and took medication for it, specifically to curb his need to gamble, I thought maybe we would be OK. The whole scenario repeated about ten years in.

Then he took himself off the therapy, off the medication, and went right back to lying and scheming to find time to gamble gamble gamble.

He was SO SHOCKED when I said that was it, that was the final straw, and I could not be married to someone who would not bother getting help and dealing with his problem. Gambling wasn’t the only thing, but it by itself would have been enough. There was a lot of other self-important and selfish stuff going on on top of that.

But, yes, SO SHOCKED. “Am I really that bad?” He said.

Yes, stealing money from your wife and your children IS that bad.

And for yours to steal from your business account? Oh. My. God.

You would be much better off having a baby on your own. And it’s never really all on your own, you know. It takes a village. 😉

You'd be a complete fool to stay with him and you know it.

Dragging a child into this mess would be irresponsible and selfish too.

You say you've checked his credit record - have you checked yours? Thoroughly? If he's that good at doing your signature it's entirely possible he's done it a lot!

Personally I'd be getting in a forensic accountant to give everything a once over just in case.

Particularly if your business has the potential for him to have defrauded customers (which most do)

As a customer I'd be most unimpressed at your lack of action over such behaviour.

Totally agree with checking your cards more thoroughly. But also do a complete credit check to see if there are any cards or loan in your name or business name you don’t even know about!

I would be all over your business and personal accounts. I don't believe that he's only done this twice.

I hope you at least kicked him out of your life by now

Tell his parents, don’t keep his secrets.

This is who he is, there will be a next time.

You shouldn’t have married him, don’t compound that mistake by getting pregnant.

I am childfree so take my advice with a grain of salt

Be quiet
Make quiet plans to leave
Go through with the IVF
Once you are pregnant - Serve him with Divorce papers

He has stolen from you & gaslighted you by saying you never said he couldn't take money when you told him you couldn't before & advised this was worth ending your engagement over.

While it may be $100 it's the principle of the thing.

I may be jaded as have had exes steal $7000 from me & my family so I say fuck him go get what you want out of him - he has taken you for a ride, now is your turn.

Though if it were me I wouldn't want to be tied to a liar forever. But I don't have a biological clock & can only try to understand your panic at being 39 & still trying for your first.

I do not advise someone trapping a man with a pregnancy, but this fool has stolen from you while undergoing IVF treatment - he will have brought it on himself

Get his sperm & GTFO I say!

Oh and as others have said I would be checking your bank accounts thoroughly

It's likely he has taken more money from you over the years that you haven't noticed.