Husband stole from me (again)

[Damsel77]

I am at my wits end.

I have only been married 3 months. 2 days ago I checked my bank account and found out my lovely husband had taken my personal cheque book (which I never use, it’s just been lying around the house) and written himself a cheque for £100.00. He’d not bothered to tell me. I felt physically sick and devastated.

This is not the first time this has happened. Around a year ago, I noticed items on my credit card statement I didn’t recognise, and sure enough, after a lot of lies and digging, found out he’d been using it behind my back. At the time I went baliisitic abd told him if he ever did this again I wouldn’t marry him. Now here we are, married, and he’s at it again.

What makes it worse is that there’s no real explanation, other than ‘I didn’t think you’d mind’, which is another lie as he knew from the last time I would be furious.

I can’t get my head around it. He works, has a good job and earns a good wage. But always seems to be broke. I’m pretty sure there’s nothing going on like gambling or drugs, he’s just terrible at managing his money.

I feel like the trust is completely broken and my initial reaction was divorce. He says I’m completely overreacting.

The big problem is we are in the middle of a very long, difficult TTC journey. I am 39, he is 44 and we were supposed to be going abroad for IVF in 2 months. I know this is terrible but I’m genuinely scared that if I end it, I’m also ending any chance of being a mother. There’s no way I could go it alone (say, with a sperm donor) as I don’t have any support.

I am so torn about what do do, and so hurt. I feel like whichever way I turn, I’ll be unhappy.

It's unconstructive to involve his parents at this time. I think the first thing here is to understand the facts. What debts does DH have (as presumably these are your debts too as you are married) and why does he have them?

If you can't get him to share this information then you have no option but to divorce him.

Are you having one free cycle of Ivf or more in your area? Be aware if there really is a fertility issue the investigations take a while and the first cycle may not work.

you may spend worst case 50-70 thousand all up, and still end up with no baby.

its a gamble which is possible for some, and only you know if it is possible or not... but not for anyone tied to a money leech so guess.

*I guess

Have you established how on earth he manages to get into all this debt? If he hasn't bought anything to show for it, is he gambling it away?

Having a child alone IS hard- but can be managed and has the potential to enrich your life enormously (support networks can be built by women in similar situations). If it's what you want, you have some resources and are mentally strong enough- and it looks like you are well aware of the sacrifices that will have to be made, then, in my experience, it's been much harder and more stressful to still have to deal with the dishonest, unreliable and manipulative father of my children than to be a lone parent.

In your position I’d be tempted to stick it out until you have your round of IVF.

Nah, go ahead with the IVF with a donor, nothing chains you to a selfish man as having a child together. With someone like this man, the child becomes a bartering possession for the dad. She then have to be heartbroken and stressed having to protect her child’s best interests from another person who has “rights” to the child.

Don’t have a baby with this man!

In your position I’d be tempted to stick it out until you have your round of IVF.

Worse advice on the thread!!! You already legally own half of his debt because you married the idiot! You don’t want to have half of his child too! You will never, ever get shut of him if you have a baby with him. It will end in tears.

There is more to life than having kids anyway! A lot more!

Don't have a child with him. He's an adult man who has an addiction. It doesn't really matter what it is but he has prioritised it over you by stealing from you to fund his habit over and over again.

He is not owning his addiction, he's lying and deceiving you still. His daughter is his problem.

The longer you protect him (by covering up for him), the more you're enabling him.

If you do end the relationship I would say get divorced ASAP as he could accumulate more debt during the separation especially if he is living in hotels. This will affect the financial settlement for you.

You can't fix him. There is a gambling problem or drug secret attached to this guy.

I would consider that £100 money well spent as a wake up call. Distangle your finances and start divorce proceedings (when you can). Otherwise, you are rewarding bad behaviour and it will happen again.

If this is not your line in the sand, what will be? Opening your bank account to see you are £1000 unexpectedly in the red and he can't meet the bills this month?

Go through IVF with a donar. It's a lot less stressful than co-parenting with a flaky ex.

He won’t stop doing this. He doesn’t think it’s that big an issue. If you stay with him he will continue to ‘borrow’ from you, and your business, and if you have a child he will do the same with them.

Odds are very good he’s also taken more money from you that you haven’t yet noticed.

You can try to get to the bottom of where his money’s going if you want. Be warned, though, that you’ll likely just get more lies upon lies upon lies, or he’ll learn that if he looks sad and promises to Get Help you’ll stay with him and he can carry on, or you’ll uncover something like a gambling addiction that is beyond his control - or inclination - to fix.

I’m sorry. It’s awful. He has really let you down. But I think you should cut your losses and cut him off now, because this won’t get better and it could get so much worse.

OP you need to protect yourself now. Do an Experian search on yourself now and check that he has not been running up credit in your name then sign up to a service which will notify you if anyone tries to. Sadly that is a very usual step for financially abusive partners.

Check all bank statements from the date you met him. I'd be surprised if you caught him on his very first go.

You need to either get him out the house and change the locks or lock all your cheque books and cards securely where he can't get them. He will do it again.

Do you own your house? If so put a notice on the title which prevents any dealings unless they are certified as valid by a registered conveyancer - if you ring the land registry they can tell you how to do this and it is quite easy to do. He has shown that he is willing to be fraudulent and he will not stop at one cheque.

I agree with PP who have said that having a baby exposes all the cracks in a relationship. This is not a man you can rely on and if he is a man child now, he will be ten times worse when you have a baby and are trapped (bitter experience).

Do you want a lifetime of being lied to, robbed and manipulated? Do you want to bring up a baby in an atmosphere of constant financial crisis? Because that is what you are setting yourself up for. He is clearly in denial about his issues which does make me think an addiction of some sort TBH.

I agree you should report him to the police. Think very carefully about the consequences of non-action - effectively you are consenting to this. What happens then when he empties your accounts and claims you agreed to it? He will get off scot free and the bank will not be liable to reimburse you.

I'm sorry, it is horrible to realise you have married a bad'un, but now you have, step away from him smartish.

And those who are saying to the OP to just put everything into a joint account so he has access to it all, have clearly never lived with someone financially incontinent. Instead of one broke person there would be two, that is the only difference.

You say that he is bad at managing his money, I think it would be a good idea if the both of you sat down together and thought of ways in how he could manage his money better i.e not buying things he doesn’t need
The good time to do this has passed. This isnt the first time he has stolen.
OP why would you want your child to have a dad who is a thief and liar?

He will do it again and again. His money is going somewhere and it can’t be all on overpriced coffees.

He displays a level of entitled selfishness that screams that he has the capacity for so much more shadiness. If you got pregnant, I suspect this would trigger an escalation of his entitlement to defrauding you.

Emotionally and financially you can not afford to have a child with this poor excuse for a human.

I am always taken aback by how many women walk knowingly into parenthood with no-marks men. It always ends in disaster.

Do yourself a favour. Unjoint your bank account. Then get rid of the man child. He won't change. They never do.

Oh op. What a horrible position to be in

I don't profess to know the answers but I get the feeling that if it wasn't for the ivf you would be long gone.

You say you worry about having a child alone without the support. But what support would you have from someone you can't trust?

You would also be tying yourself permanently to someone who has no scruples about stealing from you. Forging your signature! Are you going to go to the police as the bank suggested? Will it have an impact on you if you don't?

Does he support his daughter? Or do you subsidise that?

He'll probably have stolen from anyone he's lived with, including his parents.
If he's needing the money for huge debts, what did he do to run up the debts? Even if you're sure he's not on drugs etc, what was he doing back then to run up the debts?

He tried out the con with a smallish amount of £100 - small in his world of massive debts. He'd be planning to take more. He's tied into your current account but testing the waters with the business account.

Tell his parents, redirect small step-daughter to their house. Telling them is a good way to also say she can't come to you right now.

Fine tooth comb right through your finances. And consider the possibility he's already been in trouble with the police before, even if he was never punished. If he chooses close people to steal from, they maybe wouldn't follow through on police action but it doesn't mean he hasn't been arrested.

I am always taken aback by how many women walk knowingly into parenthood with no-marks men. It always ends in disaster

SAME!!!

Going to go against the grain here:
Don't go to the police - he could lose his job.
Re-train him by taking full control of his spending.

I am NOT condoning his behaviour whatsoever, it must have been very upsetting and shocking for you.
But, when someone is broke a week after payday, realistically it can be very difficult to get out of that cycle as fuel etc still needs to be paid.

I don’t know a lot about IVF, but if you’ve already been approved, so to speak, do you actually need to stay with a loser of a bloke to continue the process? Seems ridiculous to me that it’s the woman going through it and the woman growing the baby, so why can’t she just carry on with it with donor sperm?

If I were you and as this isn't the first time, I would have reported the theft from the business account to the police. Why would you want to be married to a forger, a thief and a liar?

You should be pleased you don't have any DC with this horrible specimen of a husband.

Find someone else who will be honest and respectful to you. Bringing a baby into your current situation would be wrong.

Please don't go through IVF with him and don't tell his parents, unless it's to inform them why you are leaving him. His parents can't fix this, he isn't a child. He is an adult, he has chosen to steal from you multiple times, that tells you all you need to know. He isn't going to change, and the money is almost certainly going on something that is either irresponsible or illegal. Please make sure he has no access to any of your accounts, and get some legal advice on separating, including what to do about the joint account as I suspect that will be empty before long.

Sounds like your need to have babies will trounce all reasonable advice given here.

Best of luck to you, you'll really need it.

“Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me.”

You have given him a chance. It is also understandable that you gave him a chance the first time.

Now is the time to tell him to go.