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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband stole from me (again)

231 replies

Damsel77 · 12/08/2019 06:05

I am at my wits end.

I have only been married 3 months. 2 days ago I checked my bank account and found out my lovely husband had taken my personal cheque book (which I never use, it’s just been lying around the house) and written himself a cheque for £100.00. He’d not bothered to tell me. I felt physically sick and devastated.

This is not the first time this has happened. Around a year ago, I noticed items on my credit card statement I didn’t recognise, and sure enough, after a lot of lies and digging, found out he’d been using it behind my back. At the time I went baliisitic abd told him if he ever did this again I wouldn’t marry him. Now here we are, married, and he’s at it again.

What makes it worse is that there’s no real explanation, other than ‘I didn’t think you’d mind’, which is another lie as he knew from the last time I would be furious.

I can’t get my head around it. He works, has a good job and earns a good wage. But always seems to be broke. I’m pretty sure there’s nothing going on like gambling or drugs, he’s just terrible at managing his money.

I feel like the trust is completely broken and my initial reaction was divorce. He says I’m completely overreacting.

The big problem is we are in the middle of a very long, difficult TTC journey. I am 39, he is 44 and we were supposed to be going abroad for IVF in 2 months. I know this is terrible but I’m genuinely scared that if I end it, I’m also ending any chance of being a mother. There’s no way I could go it alone (say, with a sperm donor) as I don’t have any support.

I am so torn about what do do, and so hurt. I feel like whichever way I turn, I’ll be unhappy.

OP posts:
rosedream · 12/08/2019 07:50

Baby - if you stay together to try for a baby there is a very high possibility you will be a single parent as the longevity of this relationship is not looking good. Therefore having a baby with him or a sperm donor isn't much different.

Don't let this stop you trying for a baby. Use sperm donation and continue with your journey.

The forged signature - is there any chance he has taken other things out in your name. Credit cards etc. This is quite worrying.

number1wang · 12/08/2019 07:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsGrannyWeatherwax · 12/08/2019 07:52

My husband is terrible with money, has debts etc but he gambles. I know he does. He tells me, but sometimes omits the full extent. He’s supposedly got a grip on it now after wasting a staggeringly large amount of money over the past few years. The difference is honesty, if I ask he will show me his accounts and he has accepted he’s got a problem. Your husband sounds like he’s in denial and hiding it still.

I’m afraid I’d be telling him to get out of the hotel, tell his parents and calling the police to register the fraud.

KUGA · 12/08/2019 07:52

How sad to have a husband that will steal from you.
Hes a criminal . I think you would be making a very big mistake by wanting children with him and you shouldnt marry him.
Once a thief always a thief, I know from personal experience with a family member.
Get rid and start off fresh.
Hes lucky you didnt go to the police.

diddl · 12/08/2019 07:58

He did it before you were married & you married him anyway.

He probably thinks that he could get away with almost anything at all.

So he forged a signature & the bank know-but they don't do anything about it?

A donor father who you didn't have to have any dealings with would surely be better than being tied to this guy for the next 18 yrs?

Walkmehome · 12/08/2019 08:03

How are you paying for the ivf?

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 12/08/2019 08:06

So fast forward, you have a child with him, and you’re on mat leave, he takes £1000 from you- fast forward again, you’re paying nursery fees for your 2year and he takes £10,000 from you.
This level of deceit and stress sounds less fun than a sperm donor tbh

eddielizzard · 12/08/2019 08:07

Trust is gone. But I don't believe he's just frittering his money away - 2 days after pay day?

Look at it this way, if you do have a DC with him, you will never feel safe. You will always be wondering when the next theft will come and inevitable have to break up, this time with a child being horribly impacted. It would be a big mistake to carry on with IVF with this man.

So hard for you. Best thing to do is cut your losses ASAP. Flowers

regmover · 12/08/2019 08:12

I think I would have to end it and report him to the police. You need to check that he hasn't used your signature in any other ways - on loan agreements for example. I'd also tell his parents that you've split.

JeanieJardine55 · 12/08/2019 08:12

Whose house is it? If you divorce now hopefully it would be a clean break. A few years down the line it could be very messy.

BadnessInTheFolds · 12/08/2019 08:13

It's not just that he stole from you
It's not just that he lied
It's that he's still minimising and trying to make this your fault. He's staying in a hotel instead of at his parents' and acting like it's your fault it's costing money. He's annoyed that you've not kept it 'private' and wants you to cope with it alone so that his appalling behaviour isn't brought out into the open. He's done it before and obviously didn't take it seriously when you said it was a deal breaker

That doesn't sound like someone who understands the impact of his actions and wants to make amends. It sounds like someone who is going to continue to do what he wants again and again and expects you to enable him.

It's your decision of course, but I don't think I could forgive this total lack of respect for your well-being

Agree with pp, let him resolve the situation with DSD this week- it's his responsibility both as her father and the person who has caused this mess. (He can go to his parents, negotiate with his ex to swap weeks or see her at the hotel, it's up to him).

Take some time to look at options and think about the decisions in front of you. Talk to your parents or talk it through with a counsellor/call a helpline to help you process what has happened. You've got a hell of a lot going on and big emotional pressures. Take what time you need.

I am truly sorry you're going through this Flowers

MotherofTerriers · 12/08/2019 08:13

Go to the police
Tell people, keeping this a secret helps him minimise and stops you getting support
He can stay at his parents with his daughter
There is something else going on, gambling, debt...
Use a sperm donor or you are tied to him and his behaviour will ramp up once you are pregnant and trapped.
You deserve better than this and so does your child. Imagine trying to save for your child’s future, or just birthday presents or holiday and him stealing that. And he will.

TowelNumber42 · 12/08/2019 08:14

Sounds like you are trying to convince yourself to let him back. He knows he has you over a barrel. He's using your desire for a baby as a weapon.

He stole from your business bank account FFS.

You are in dangerous territory now. You've made the bank aware it is fraud but haven't notified the police. What will happen next time he takes money out? Maybe lots of money. They won't believe it was done without permission if you don't take action this time.

TowelNumber42 · 12/08/2019 08:14

He can't afford to have a baby. He's so broke he goes out robbing within a week of getting paid.

Boysey45 · 12/08/2019 08:15

My friends partner was doing this OP and it was for drugs. Its drugs, alcohol or gambling etc. No point being in denial it is what it is.

I'd get all you account numbers changed, new cards etc and get rid off all chequebooks. He'd be moving out as well, how can you ever trust him after this?

TanMateix · 12/08/2019 08:16

I really don’t think that telling the parents would serve any purpose. He is 44, do you think they don’t know how he is? Do you think someone who steals from his wife is going to listen to mummy and daddy? You are fooling yourselves.

Incidentally, I always wondered what my MIL would say if I told her about all the money her son stole. But when I did I just managed to upset her, she was horrified BUT not surprised (she obviously knows him much better than I). If you think her husband would be ashamed into behaving if his parents knew you are kidding yourselves... mine deemed himself the victim, was offended (just like OP’s husband) and stopped contact with his own family.

JeanieJardine55 · 12/08/2019 08:20

And why did his first marriage/relationship break up?

MortifiedMarie · 12/08/2019 08:20

As I’m sure everyone else has told you, do not have a baby with this man. Please please believe me, once you have a child together he will only get worse. Only then you’ll be bound to him forever and have to share your precious off spring with him.

Dump the numpty and find sperm from somewhere else

💐

endofthelinefinally · 12/08/2019 08:24

This is a huge red flag.
DH and I happily share all our money and I will grab some cash from his wallet if i need it, BUT, we always discuss large purchases and tell each other if we have taken cash, just so the other person doesn't find themselves short.
He is spending money/has debts related to something he is being dishonest with you about. You shouldn't have a child with this man because you can't trust him.

Skittlenommer · 12/08/2019 08:24

You went ahead and married him despite him having stolen from you and despite him being in debt and having a terrible credit rating?? For the love of fuck do not TTC with this man! You need to give your head a wobble and set your standards a lot higher.

Close the joint account. He should have absolutely NO access to your money. Don’t leave cash or cheque books lying around. Make plans to leave!

amusedbush · 12/08/2019 08:25

This is more than seeing a sum of money in a drawer and being tempted - this man forged your signature and deposited a cheque from your BUSINESS ACCOUNT. He knew exactly what he was doing and went to some trouble to do it.

He is angry that you've told your parents because he knows that what he did is abhorrent and he doesn't want anybody to know what a prick he is.

I'd tell his parents and then I'd phone the police. And for the love of god don't have a baby with this scrounger.

MortifiedMarie · 12/08/2019 08:25

OP tell people, all the people, everything that has happened. You don’t need to own his shame.

If you don’t and worse happens down the line, trust me, people won’t believe you. I know from experience.

fikel · 12/08/2019 08:26

If he has a lot of debt, then he’s not going to get ahead unless he faces it and comes to an arrangement with his creditors.
Moving forward if you can work this through together and help manage his spending with him obviously being upfront about everything.
I would be putting ttc on hold until you can rebuild your relationship. He has to prove he is worthy of you first and foremost

WizardOfAus · 12/08/2019 08:27

Please tell his parents. They need to know and might be able to help.

Constance1234 · 12/08/2019 08:28

In your position I’d be tempted to stick it out until you have your round of IVF. You are right, you don’t have time to meet someone else and be ready to have a child with them. This might be an unpopular opinion, but this could be your last chance to have a child (if the ivf is successful). The question you need to be honest with yourself is, if you did have a child together would you be happy to have your thieving husband in your life forever?