Husband is indexable

[kyleannkelsey]

My husband is overall a nice guy but he is unbelievably inflexible by my account. Many years ago we had a fight about how I felt I could only choose from a couple options for weekend activities, costco or stay at home and do chores and watch TV. He said that we could do other things if I have him adequate time to adjust. So, basically I had to "present" my weekend plans on Tuesday. Then, I was essentially locked in. If it turned out to be better weather and I wanted to go hiking. I would get a big sigh, an irritated look and a "what happened to our plan?" He claims that I misread his reaction, but I can't imagine a universe when his behavior/reaction/expression could be understood as anything but irritation and scorn. He always told me that he's not restricting what I do, I can do anything I want, with a catch, it must be by myself. I hate this argument, for obvious reasons. It's nonsense. He doesn't see how he's just telling me that he doesn't care enough to accommodate my interests of lifestyle. Many years later, I have blown off his rules. We have 3 kids. I plan every trip and try to make it as co for table as I can for him. . He answers a few yes or no questions about his preferences and takes no part in any other part. These are crucial years. Our kids are young and I want to make the most of our time. But he continues to focus on staying home, making sure the lawn is even, dishwasher is emptied, all the clothes are washed. It's all focus on day to day. I feel like his priority always had been and always will be the stuff that should be background stuff that we do when the kids are asleep, cleaning and maintaining our home. No focus on making memories, discovering new things together, exploring with our children.

I don't want to hear about how we can explore and discover with our children at home. I have every opportunity to do that and I do every day. It's a big world and I want our discovery and exploration to not be limited by our property line or our town. I just want freedom for our family, including my husband to experience the broad world together.

I am looking for advice on how to make this a reality, not judgement of who is right or who is wrong. I am human, so my word choice is not going to be legally representative of the situation, so read my interpretation with a soft focus.

I just want advice on how to engage my husband and help him adjust his focus.

How about leaving the fucker?

What @matahairyy said, he sounds like a joyless bastard

Thanks! I guess I forgot to mention that I love my husband and he is an excellent father and husband in most other aspects of our relationship. So, No he is not a ticket and I will not be leaving him. 😂

Why? He sounds nuts

You say yourself -“ He doesn't see how he's just telling me that he doesn't care enough to accommodate my interests of lifestyle. “

I have a friend who’s dh is like this but he has been diagnosed as autistic. He struggles with change and different routines and doesn’t like spontaneity or surprises.

I’m not saying this is the case for your dh but do you think there may be an underlying reason for his unusual behaviour?

Also “He answers a few yes or no questions about his preferences and takes no part in any other part. ”

He sounds a REAL JOY

I mean this kindly - do you think it's fair to attempt to force him to become a completely different type of person, to the person he clearly was when you married him?

Do you think one person can decide that another person has to change, and then treat that person as a renovation project? Is that kind, or ethical?

A person as inflexible as that isnt going to change because you want them to. Surely you know that?

You can only change yourself OP. And or your circumstances.

Hes not autistic. FYI, He otherwise behaves very normally. He just has developed behaviors that are not conducive the lifestyle I want to live.

Have you told him?

It sounds like he’s a process-minded person, a planner who likes routine - and you are more impulsive..
He likes the school uniform to be washed, ironed & ready to use before he will consider doing anything else with his weekend, which has its value. He’s probably very organised, never gets into debt and always has stuff in reserve.
It isn’t that he doesn’t care about your wishes, you’ve lived together for years & have a family. He probably just couldn’t relax and enjoy a trip if he knew the clothes were unwashed and the lawn not cut.
I don’t think you can change personality type but you could arrange it so holidays involve a day at home at the start and a full day at home at the end so he has time to keep ahead of his chores.
More of what you are already doing I suspect...

You went on to have 3 children with him, claim he's wonderful... What are you seeking? He sounds extremely difficult, but you all sound happy to accommodate him.
Autistic perhaps?

It's hard to tell from your post whether it's a case of him being joyless and mooching round the house all the time or him taking care of all the normal day to day things while you swan around being 'explore-y' and thinking doing the dishes is beneath you.

It could be your priorities are different and he sees keeping the house nice as most important so you'd need to talk and compromise, or that he's stuck in his ways due to something like autism or depression, or that he's controlling and wants the final say on everything, what sounds nearest the mark to you?

Stop dragging this dead donkey around. Use that extra energy to explore, have adventures and ‘make memories’ with your kids.

Leave him out of all planning. If he complains, tell him you’re going to assume he prefers his own company at home from now on. Discuss your weekend plans at the dinner table with our kids- after all consultation and anticipation are half the fun. If your DH doesn’t join in, leave him be. You’ll have technically informed him of the plans, and given him full opportunity to opt in.

Don’t forget to attach some family budget to your plans... he can spend his tiny proportion on Netflix, or lawn fertiliser if he wants.

Oh geeze, behaviors are not an intrinsic part of who you are. I continuously change my behaviors, adapt and develop for better or worse. Human behaviors are malleable and any and all relationships require adjustment and compromise. All relationships require behavioral modification.

It's not "ethical" as you say to chalk things up to stereotypical metaphors like a "renovation project" It's unethical to fail to treat someone like a human, a being that has an amazing ability to change its behaviors. If anything, I have been the project that he changed, the person who adjusted their behavior to staying home.

I think he is quite controling. I would just take the kids and do stuff, ask if he wants to go, if not go anyway. Start meeting other parents and enjoy life

Ah I couldn’t handle that then. I’m like you, I need variety and fun. I’d be moving on I’m afraid.

A million billion times

You can live the life you want to live. Make plans, invite him to come along, if he doesn't want to be can stay at home. If you choose to always pander to his wants, that's on you.

We do equal hiuse work. He agrees that we share that equally. We also both work the same amount.

I was also going to suggest autistic (I am and I can find it very difficult to adjust- I can be quite inflexible at times too), but if not then perhaps he has anxiety. It can present itself in an overly developed need for order (eg getting the lawn straight). What was his childhood like? Was it quite chaotic or overly controlling ?

He isn’t compromising though 🤔

He a social delight. He has a phd. He's in a managerial position at work. He has no signs of symptoms of autism.

You can't change him, he quite simply doesn't want to change.

Ive tried leaving him at home and it doesn't work. He just resents me or decides to come along but somewhat begrudgingly.