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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband is indexable

192 replies

kyleannkelsey · 09/08/2019 04:23

My husband is overall a nice guy but he is unbelievably inflexible by my account. Many years ago we had a fight about how I felt I could only choose from a couple options for weekend activities, costco or stay at home and do chores and watch TV. He said that we could do other things if I have him adequate time to adjust. So, basically I had to "present" my weekend plans on Tuesday. Then, I was essentially locked in. If it turned out to be better weather and I wanted to go hiking. I would get a big sigh, an irritated look and a "what happened to our plan?" He claims that I misread his reaction, but I can't imagine a universe when his behavior/reaction/expression could be understood as anything but irritation and scorn. He always told me that he's not restricting what I do, I can do anything I want, with a catch, it must be by myself. I hate this argument, for obvious reasons. It's nonsense. He doesn't see how he's just telling me that he doesn't care enough to accommodate my interests of lifestyle. Many years later, I have blown off his rules. We have 3 kids. I plan every trip and try to make it as co for table as I can for him. . He answers a few yes or no questions about his preferences and takes no part in any other part. These are crucial years. Our kids are young and I want to make the most of our time. But he continues to focus on staying home, making sure the lawn is even, dishwasher is emptied, all the clothes are washed. It's all focus on day to day. I feel like his priority always had been and always will be the stuff that should be background stuff that we do when the kids are asleep, cleaning and maintaining our home. No focus on making memories, discovering new things together, exploring with our children.

I don't want to hear about how we can explore and discover with our children at home. I have every opportunity to do that and I do every day. It's a big world and I want our discovery and exploration to not be limited by our property line or our town. I just want freedom for our family, including my husband to experience the broad world together.

I am looking for advice on how to make this a reality, not judgement of who is right or who is wrong. I am human, so my word choice is not going to be legally representative of the situation, so read my interpretation with a soft focus.

I just want advice on how to engage my husband and help him adjust his focus.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 09/08/2019 05:03

Whether or not he has autism is irrelevant. Even if he does, that doesn't preclude you from doing the things you want to do. WHY aren't you doing them? A man with a PhD is more than capable of staying home by himself unattended.

Original poster
kyleannkelsey · 09/08/2019 05:03

Does anyone have any suggestions on how to engage him?

OP posts:
matahairyy · 09/08/2019 05:05

Er yes. We did.

matahairyy · 09/08/2019 05:05

He’s just not that into you.

Original poster
kyleannkelsey · 09/08/2019 05:06

He had a great childhood, loving parents, stability, stay at home mother, valid victorian, popular in school, star football player.

OP posts:
Original poster
kyleannkelsey · 09/08/2019 05:07

Maybe 😅 but we're married and have three kids, so we're way past that. Cute though, you're a dandy!

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 09/08/2019 05:08

What other suggestions do you need? Your solution is to do the things you wish to do. You can't engage a person who has no desire to be engaged. You and your husband want different things, and that is that.

matahairyy · 09/08/2019 05:09

Maybe get a hot lover. Another valid Victorian. 🙄😀

MadamBatty · 09/08/2019 05:10

There’s no magic words that anybody on here can say that will make your husband say ‘aha, now I understand KYs pint of view, in future I’ll fall in with her plans to get out & explore’.

You’ve already explained & explained & explained. He either doesn’t get it and:or doesn’t care.

You’ll either have to get on with making your own plans without him or stay home & s rub the skirting boards

surlycurly · 09/08/2019 05:11

Well if that's the case then he's choosing not to engage. That should tell you all you need to know.

Karenannkasey · 09/08/2019 05:14

No way! Maybe the gut feelings of the people here aren't solving my problems, but there is a way. There are never just 2 options!

matahairyy · 09/08/2019 05:14

So what do you think?

ZetaPuppis · 09/08/2019 05:15

My dh sounds so similar right down to making sure the lawn is looking it’s best rather than go out Confused
I have the exact attitude as you so what I’ve done is just given up with expecting dh to come out with us on day trips and walks.
I’m an explorer and dh is a homebody who likes order and routine. I’ve accepted that so dc and I go off and explore the world around us whilst he stays and does what he needs to do.
He comes on holidays with us and does stuff with the kids in the garden or takes them out for bike rides. He’s excellent at giving them projects like sanding and varnishing and creating plant boxes. It may sound dull but the kids love it.

Just embrace your roles and get him to do the things he loves with the kids whilst you do yours.
Do things together sometimes.

WhoKnewBeefStew · 09/08/2019 05:16

After all this time I doubt he will ever change.. imagine how your life will be when you retire or your dc leave home. You’ll have a lovely garden Hmm

matahairyy · 09/08/2019 05:17

Americans are quite odd this morning. Two threads at least on here that are weird

surlycurly · 09/08/2019 05:19

And for the record, I am also perceived as a social delight, have several post grad qualifications and hold a management position at work. Oh and also show no outward 'symptoms' of having HFA. But I'm also autistic. Maybe if this thread teaches you nothing else you can learn not to be so stereotypical in your views.

fraxion · 09/08/2019 05:21

Many years ago …

How many years? If he hasn't engaged with you now regarding the lifestyle you crave, then he never will. You've admitted your behaviour has changed to suit the lifestyle he wants to live but he's not willing to reciprocate. That is controlling behaviour on his part.

thejudgesaidhewasatitandIagree · 09/08/2019 05:32

God he sounds boring. Sorry op I'd have cut my losses a long time ago

matahairyy · 09/08/2019 05:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mileysmiley · 09/08/2019 05:44

He sounds sooo boring ... I would have to leave him

surlycurly · 09/08/2019 05:47

@matahairyy not sure why you felt the need to post that? And if you're asking me, eh no. And again, not sure what relevance that has.

CatteStreet · 09/08/2019 05:48

matahairyy, WTAF?

vasya · 09/08/2019 05:51

I think @matahairyy has somehow confused @surlycurly with the OP?

OP - it sounds like you've done what you can. Your husband knows what you want, it's just not that important to him to accommodate it.

I agree with PPs that you should just make your own plans with the kids, and leave it to him whether he gets involved. It doesn't sound like he's ever going to be motivated to change.

TheBrockmans · 09/08/2019 05:52

Our family is almost the opposite. Dh has to be out, once he decides we are ready to go he sits in the car, regardless of whether when they were younger all the children had been to the toilet (now they generally know to take themselves), or we have water bottles for the journey or the washing machine had been emptied. Left to dh we would be five minutes on the motorway before one was clambering for a drink, one wanted the toilet and we would have to re run the washing machine when we got home. As it was I would be hanging the washing out then would find them all strapped in the car and when I asked if they had been to the toilet, none of them had so we would have to instead them all and bring them inside again while I filled some water bottles.

We always get home at the last possible moment so arriving home at 10pm when they have school the next day and have been camping so all need baths and hair detangling. He just doesn't see all the little jobs that actually make the setting off and return more relaxed.

Over the years we have added space at the beginning of the holiday to pack, rather than trying to cram it in at 9pm before a 6am start. We have also added a day at the end, so although he might still dash back to work the next morning, we try to plan it so the children have a day to decontaminate. We still very much 'go with the flow' on holiday.

When he is edging towards the door I now give him a list of the things which need to be done before we leave and he has learnt that if he does half then we go quicker - so I might say why don't you fill the water bottles while I feed the cats. You might ask him the morning or night before which tasks need to be done before you set off and take half of them.

Dh sometimes wonders why everyone else manages to decorate their house, but doesn't see that many people don't go out every weekend and away on holiday for all of their leave. A holiday spent at home is a wasted holiday but there are no decorating fairies at home to decorate while we go away.

Ultimately he is a puppy and I am a cat, unfortunately for dh the children are more cat than puppy too and relax more at home than driving a couple of hours to sit in a car park looking at the sea in the rain. They also want to socialise with their friends and do their homework on the weekends sometimes. This has now been helped by dh having a hobby that he goes off to some weekends so we (me and dc) use that time to relax, do bits around the house, meet up with friends.

I recommend trying to get a list from him of all the stuff he thinks needs doing, not to necessarily do all of it I never iron but split some of the list up and do it together. You might also consider getting a hobby which is local and if the dc are like you then something they can do too. Even one weekend in 3 or 4 out in some local woods might give him time to plan to complete a project or two. There is a balance to life and maybe between you both you just haven't quite found it yet.

Myfoolishboatisleaning · 09/08/2019 05:53

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