Husband is indexable

[kyleannkelsey]

My husband is overall a nice guy but he is unbelievably inflexible by my account. Many years ago we had a fight about how I felt I could only choose from a couple options for weekend activities, costco or stay at home and do chores and watch TV. He said that we could do other things if I have him adequate time to adjust. So, basically I had to "present" my weekend plans on Tuesday. Then, I was essentially locked in. If it turned out to be better weather and I wanted to go hiking. I would get a big sigh, an irritated look and a "what happened to our plan?" He claims that I misread his reaction, but I can't imagine a universe when his behavior/reaction/expression could be understood as anything but irritation and scorn. He always told me that he's not restricting what I do, I can do anything I want, with a catch, it must be by myself. I hate this argument, for obvious reasons. It's nonsense. He doesn't see how he's just telling me that he doesn't care enough to accommodate my interests of lifestyle. Many years later, I have blown off his rules. We have 3 kids. I plan every trip and try to make it as co for table as I can for him. . He answers a few yes or no questions about his preferences and takes no part in any other part. These are crucial years. Our kids are young and I want to make the most of our time. But he continues to focus on staying home, making sure the lawn is even, dishwasher is emptied, all the clothes are washed. It's all focus on day to day. I feel like his priority always had been and always will be the stuff that should be background stuff that we do when the kids are asleep, cleaning and maintaining our home. No focus on making memories, discovering new things together, exploring with our children.

I don't want to hear about how we can explore and discover with our children at home. I have every opportunity to do that and I do every day. It's a big world and I want our discovery and exploration to not be limited by our property line or our town. I just want freedom for our family, including my husband to experience the broad world together.

I am looking for advice on how to make this a reality, not judgement of who is right or who is wrong. I am human, so my word choice is not going to be legally representative of the situation, so read my interpretation with a soft focus.

I just want advice on how to engage my husband and help him adjust his focus.

The posters banging on about how autism is dragged up so often are right because the facts are, autistic traits are extremely common.

On MN for sure. I have never seen it mentioned so regularly if at all on any of the forums I'm a member of. Hardly a day goes past with it being suggested as a possible 'diagnosis' for want of another word.

Start planning wonderful adventures on your own with the kids. Yes it's hard doing it all yourself, ask any single mum but you sound like you're brimming with ideas and enthusiasm. Unleash it!

Hopefully when he's at home with the dishwasher for the fifteenth week in a row he might loosen up!

Why is it wrong to like being at home though? Maybe after working all week he doesn't want to be busy all weekend. Is that really so wrong?

Does he not want to do anything or is it that the things op wants to do he doesn't like? So she mentions hiking - would he be happier visiting museums for example?

You sound ill-suited. Surely you knew what he was like when you married him. I think you have to focus on all the positives you have outlined about him and accept that he is unlikely to want to do the adventurous / exploring stuff that you want to do.

Ultimately you can't force him to do things he doesn't want to do - but equally he can't prevent you from doing what you want to do.

DecomposingComposers "Why is it wrong to like being at home though? Maybe after working all week he doesn't want to be busy all weekend. Is that really so wrong?

We don't agree on much, but we do on this.

This thread is peppered with insulting comments about OP's husband - clearly pissing on his way of living and sneering at him and his preferences:
Just go out on your own if he's being a boring bastard! If he moans that you go out then tell him to sort out his boring attitude to life!
He was lovely in many ways, but I couldn't be married to a guy who was mentally 60 yr old at 30.
Are you not incredibly bored of him?
IMO your DH sounds controlling and annoying, as well as boring as fuck.
etc.

I see you got very aggressively challenged on this POV earlier, "Just bore off with policing this forum, and implying that people who post opinions you don't like are 'wrong' and they need to shut up!"

When actually it is people who are slagging a complete stranger off just because he likes routine and quiet and being a homebody who should wind their necks in.

When actually it is people who are slagging a complete stranger off just because he likes routine and quiet and being a homebody who should wind their necks in.

Agreed.

Ok guys, Autism is a spectrum disorder. It will likely be found to have many etiologies. Spectrum disorders have the broadest range of signs and symptoms, making a differential diagnosis difficult for laypeople, and providers alike. Subsequently, all humans have non - adaptive behaviors that overlap with the spectrum. All humans. Saying that a maladaptive behavior equates to a diagnosis or even a suspicion of a disorder reflects a very poor understanding of autism, diagnostic procedures and basic human behavior. Unless you have a legitimate education that allows you to make such diagnoses, suspect accusation should be kept to yourself, to avoid stigma associated behavioral adaptation.

I don't think this is a fundamental part of who he is?? Humans are not that shallow. Also, I'm talking about 2 to 4 weekends a year.

I clearly asked for ideas on how to engage him, not judgement about his personality or behaviors, which clearly cannot be assessed from my brief description! This is our one big issue. He is a good guy otherwise and is very interactive with our children. You can hate it all you want, but I didn't open this forum to bash my husband or diagnose him with a disorder. I am looking for thoughtful advice on how to get a few weekends out a year with an engaged husband.

You are asking MNers to tell you how to change him and we cant.

It’s hard enough to change yourself when you really REALLY want to and have support. You can’t change anyone else who is perfectly happy the way they are.

If I knew how to change a man, I wouldn’t be here on MN, I’d be a multi millionaire.

I'm sorry, he behaves live his true self 3-4 times a year and the rest of the other 48 times he compromises with your preferred approach?

OP, why have you name-changed mid-thread? It makes your comments difficult to follow and looks like you are talking to yourself (or sock-puppeting).

@Benjispruce no it isn’t. “HFA” isn’t a diagnosis, and anxiety isn’t a “part of” autism. Anxiety may be one of the many manifestations of autism experienced by people with autism, or it may not. Just like every single other issue experienced by people with autism.

My father is like your DH. we never got to engage him when we were kids as he worked during the week and his weekend was based around doing what he felt were "his jobs".

My mum would wake up and decide we should go to a zoo or a beach or a park or paint our living room or learn to play tennis. I aim for this with my 2 DC. my father has finally realised why he missed amd tries to join in with us. He finds it difficult as we are used to doing it as a team so his being there disjoints us as much as we try to include him.

Maybe explain to DH how much he stands to miss out on by living this way. I know my father has regrets even tho he still can't fathom why I prefer to do DIY myself than ask him to do it. (answer, I do it quicker, quieter and when the kids are asleep).

I don't think this is a fundamental part of who he is?? Humans are not that shallow.
@kyleannkelsey @Karenannkasey1

are you aware that there are 5 base traits that make up human personality?

Two of them are openness to experience (i.e. ability to tolerate change or the unexpected) and agreeableness (motivation to please and accommodate others).

Your husbands behaviour fairly clearly points to his basic personality not being oriented towards openness or agreeableness.

These aren't shallow things.

You married someone whose basic personality annoys and upsets you. You can't "engage" him out of his personality. You can only accept him as he is and take the pressure off, if he is stubborn as he sounds, the only persuasion that MIGHT help would be him observing the fun that the rest of he family enjoys without him.

Or keep needling him! I mean, who doesn't love being constantly asked to do things that you absolutely have never wanted to do... what could go wrong.

He knows how much this means to you, he doesn't car enough to accommodate you though. Is that not true?

BuzzShitbagBobbly I was talking about my ex there, who acted in a similar way to the OP's. I was explaining that I couldn't be married to him because he acted so much older than he was - a homebody if you find that word unoffensive. I wasn't slagging off OP's husband but relating a similar experience and why I couldn't marry the guy.

Some people love staying at home all of the time, others do not. OP clearly does not so posters are replying clearly explaining there is a mis-match and mostly offering advice on how to make the best of the situation if she stays with him.

'Autism is a condition that is diagnosed by medical professionals (not numptys on the internet)'

Yes. The same applies to OCD.

@Equatoria I know, I have it.