Husband is indexable

[kyleannkelsey]

My husband is overall a nice guy but he is unbelievably inflexible by my account. Many years ago we had a fight about how I felt I could only choose from a couple options for weekend activities, costco or stay at home and do chores and watch TV. He said that we could do other things if I have him adequate time to adjust. So, basically I had to "present" my weekend plans on Tuesday. Then, I was essentially locked in. If it turned out to be better weather and I wanted to go hiking. I would get a big sigh, an irritated look and a "what happened to our plan?" He claims that I misread his reaction, but I can't imagine a universe when his behavior/reaction/expression could be understood as anything but irritation and scorn. He always told me that he's not restricting what I do, I can do anything I want, with a catch, it must be by myself. I hate this argument, for obvious reasons. It's nonsense. He doesn't see how he's just telling me that he doesn't care enough to accommodate my interests of lifestyle. Many years later, I have blown off his rules. We have 3 kids. I plan every trip and try to make it as co for table as I can for him. . He answers a few yes or no questions about his preferences and takes no part in any other part. These are crucial years. Our kids are young and I want to make the most of our time. But he continues to focus on staying home, making sure the lawn is even, dishwasher is emptied, all the clothes are washed. It's all focus on day to day. I feel like his priority always had been and always will be the stuff that should be background stuff that we do when the kids are asleep, cleaning and maintaining our home. No focus on making memories, discovering new things together, exploring with our children.

I don't want to hear about how we can explore and discover with our children at home. I have every opportunity to do that and I do every day. It's a big world and I want our discovery and exploration to not be limited by our property line or our town. I just want freedom for our family, including my husband to experience the broad world together.

I am looking for advice on how to make this a reality, not judgement of who is right or who is wrong. I am human, so my word choice is not going to be legally representative of the situation, so read my interpretation with a soft focus.

I just want advice on how to engage my husband and help him adjust his focus.

He always told me that he's not restricting what I do, I can do anything I want, with a catch, it must be by myself.

So you expect him to change his behaviour/preferences to do what you want, but you don't feel any need to change your own behaviour/preference and just do things solo?

You don't get to change other people.

The posters banging on about how autism is dragged up so often are right because the facts are, autistic traits are extremely common.

What your post said to me OP is that "DH is completely controlling our family life".

You and your DC are missing out enormously on life experiences and family time because one person gets the say in what happens. What are your DC getting from the lawn being mowed, the housework being done and dishwasher unloaded? Fuck all.

You're a fool if you don't realise that one day your kids are going to hate you for the upbringing. Imagine their Mondays at school - "oh we went swimming/bike riding/to the park at the weekend,what did you do"......... and they say "oh dad mowed the lawn". That's cruel.

Like many of the other Posters I'm surprised that you're so quick to rule out Autism.

Your husband sounds exactly like me. I'm extremely sociable, have always had an incredibly active social life and because of this people think I can't be autistic. But I am.

This week I had a disagreement with my DP as something was moved from 6pm to 6:30pm. It sounds so silly but to me that half hour change at the last minute completely threw me.
It's almost like everything I thought I knew about the world had been shown to be incorrect. Incredibly difficult to deal with in the moment. I've learned to manage it and we did find a solution but it's absolutely NOT about having no respect or love for my partner. I do everything to make her happy and feel loved but I struggle with last minute changes to my schedule, well any changes really but last minute changes mean processing and dealing with everything very quickly.

I also like to repeat behaviours etc.

Anyway, he may well not be on the spectrum but from what you've written, unless he's been 'tested' and confirmed that he isn't then I'd say he almost certainly is. We are just like everyone else in most ways and like I said at the start, only those closest suspect that our behaviours are not completely 'normal', for want of a better word.

FGS why do women come on here, and complain about their DH, then say 'oh but he IS an excellent father and husband' when people start saying he sounds awful/controlling/a bully, and she should leave him? So annoying! And it sounds like he has them brainwashed, because much of the behaviour is NOT acceptable, and he is NOT an 'excellent father and husband!'

Just coz he holds down a job and talks to the kids now and again does not make him an 'excellent father and husband!' Indeed, he is a bad influence on his own kids if he is treating their mother like shit.

Why bother posting if you are going to dismiss any advice or opinions given @kyleannkelsey IMO your DH sounds controlling and annoying, as well as boring as fuck. He's not someone I could be married to. Good luck to you if you choose to tolerate his behaviour.

I think you should crack on and do fun things as you like, invite him but don't make a big deal if he doesn't want to come, then talk about what you did and share photos afterwards, and maybe he will start to feel like he's missing out and elect to join you? He won't change completely but I think you can judge him towards greater spontaneity over time.

@gingersausage I think you'll find I said I was entitled to point out the similarities in behaviour. I'm not diagnosing anyone. But what I am doing is not jumping on the LTB bandwagon. Which, I think you'll find, is more common on MN than people diagnosing ASD. I also suggested several other things that are worth investigating. But he does have several significant traits of people with HFA. The OP refuted it out of hand. Myself and several other posters clarified some of her misconceptions in order to make her more aware. Which I'm definitely entitled to do. Not closing any conversation down. It's you that trying to do that by telling us we're all wrong.

Clearly there is something not right here, autism, aspergers, take your pick.
He will not change at all, he never has and never will so you need to decide what you want to do about it.
Maybe talk to someonewho has a thorough knowledge of these conditions and can help.

Live dangerously. Get a magic 8 ball and ask him some weekend questions on a Friday night.

@gingersausage

For fuck’s sake why is MN so fucking OBSESSED with autism? Stop using it as a fucking armchair diagnosis for every single fucking person who doesn’t fit your cosy little ideal of “normal”.

Autism is a condition that is diagnosed by medical professionals (not numptys on the internet) and it is not a catch-all term for “annoying”. There’s no wonder people with autism and people with autistic children struggle to get help and resources, when every fucker can just diagnose it. Jesus it makes me so angry.

This pisses me off more than I can put into words too.

I am sick of a poster coming on here with a tale of how badly their DH/partner behaves, or how nasty a man or woman in the supermarket was today, and EVERY SINGLE TIME, a bunch of people come on with 'could they be depressed?' or 'sounds like they may be autistic' or 'it could be aspergers,' or 'it sounds like an early onset of altzeimers!'

Some people are just rude, entitled arseholes!

ALSO, it is an insult to people with genuine conditions, suggesting if someone is a rude fucker, that they must be 'autistic.' Or they must have aspergers!' Just STFU blaming autism and aspergers, every time someone is rude, obnoxious, or controlling, or just a fucking twat! It is SUCH AN INSULT to people with those conditions!

As for the poster above saying 'it could be aspergers or autism take your pick...' What the actual FUCK?

Err... *Nudge

Diagnosing this man with autism isn't actually helping the OP, though, is it? What are we saying here, that if his behaviour is due to autism she just has to live with it despite the fact that it's controlling and restricting every aspect of her leisure time? Sorry, but no.

I have a friend whose husband is very like this. They have to plan everything in advance and not deviate from the plan. If someone else deviates from the plan - eg, if a guest for a planned barbecue has to cancel because they're unwell or something - he is incredibly stroppy and grumpy about it. If they wake up on a Saturday and find that the weather is unexpectedly glorious and my friend suggests they take the kids to the beach, he will absolutely not accept that because it's not what they planned to do.

He isn't autistic, but his behaviour is selfish and has a huge impact on the whole family, including the children who constantly miss out because he becomes grumpy and difficult if they get invited on an impromptu play date he hasn't planned for.

Unsurprisingly, the divorce is about to go through.

The worrying bit is where you say he resents you if you leave him at home or decides to come along begrudgingly.

That's passive aggressive and controlling behaviour. That's the part you need him to explain. Why does he need to show you his displeasure like that? Because he knows he's being unreasonable.

How do you get him to engage? Sort this out first and either he agrees to going out cheerfully (find out what he would need for this to be possible) Or, he agrees to let you go out without behaving like an idiot about it, and making you pay for not doing what he wants.

Are there things he is interested in? What about a trip to a garden centre ( !) - (or any thing that he enjoys) followed by something the rest of you would enjoy, broken by lunch.

Do you ever go on date nights? Maybe a bit of one on one time would be good for you both without the relentless focus on tasks and child rearing.

Maybe get a hot lover. Another valid Victorian.

This has made my day!!

valid Victorian

Found your problem!

'Valid Victorian!' LOL!

Why are people so quick to criticise the dh here? What you are saying is that the ops way of life is right and the husband's is wrong, but how so? Who says that the right way to live is by being spontaneous, always on the go, making memories, seeking adventure? Why can't being organised, running a well organised home, planning ahead be an equally valid way to live?

Surely the issue is that the 2 of them are mismatched, not that dh is wrong or controlling? Why aren't you saying op is controlling for watching to change him?

Op says that if she tells him the plan during the week that he is ok with that so why isn't that the compromise? Or he's said that she can do her plans without him - which is also fine surely? Why should he have to do things that he doesn't want to do just because his wife doesn't want to do them alone?

I'd far rather be with so.eone who was content with being at home than with someone who was restless and constantly had itchy feet - those people are exhausting to be around for me but that doesn't make me right or them wrong, or vice versa. It's just different personalities.

Does anyone have any suggestions on how to engage him?

He's a grown competent adult with (we have to assume) no issues. Why waste your time and energy trying to 'engage' him? He can decide whether or not to step up and participate or take the initiative. If he doesn't, just fuck off out without him and do things you want to do alone or with friends/family. Let him 'resent' you.

Clearly there is something not right here, autism, aspergers, take your pick.

So now ASD is "something not right"? Those on the autistic spectrum are different, neuroatypical, not "not right". Never takes long for people to show their ignorance on these threads.

ASD is a complex diagnosis. To suggest someone is on the spectrum (or even worse, "not right") on the basis of one possible trait shows a real ignorance around the condition.

I can be a bit like this in that if there is an activity, I want to get my home and life maintenance for the day sorted beforehand. I do enjoy the activities for the sake of the children, but left to my own devices I would happily stay at home all the time I'm off work, except for visiting the DIY store.
I'm not sure how this happened as I used to travel loads and be very sociable. I think it's just that Being A Proper Adult has become important to me.
I'm very organised and a planner. I am also considering assessment for autism.
That said, I do make an effort because of the DC. I get up very early to get these jobs done so I can go out and about happily.

@zeezee3 I'm one of the people who suggested it. I'm autistic. Cast your eye over the rest of the thread. Nearly everyone who suggested it is autistic or has an ASD child. It's not a bandwagon; I've commented on two posts in my time here to suggest autism. And it would be useful for the OP to know if he is as it would change the situation a great deal.

You're a fool if you don't realise that one day your kids are going to hate you for the upbringing. Imagine their Mondays at school - "oh we went swimming/bike riding/to the park at the weekend,what did you do"......... and they say "oh dad mowed the lawn". That's cruel.

Or alternatively the children grow up resenting mum because they never went to friends birthday parties, met up with friends or got their homework done because they were kept busy trailing around a national park with mum, making memories, because she refused to stay at home and let a birthday party invitation curtail her wanderlust.

2 sides to every coin..

Leave him at home, get your children out on adventures, he sounds like a total pain in the arse.

I'm wondering OP

1. Could you tell us what makes your H otherwise so excellent and 2)Why are you waiting for your H to agree? Why don't you just do things? You've tried enough. Do them, let him join if he wants to. How much more trying are you going to waste your time doing?

Altho from the OP this situation sounds pretty angsty and joyless. But I'm not in it so maybe my interpretation is wrong.

This kind of dynamic has happened to us as my DH has unfortunately got a chronic condition.

I do a mix of adjusting our adventures to accommodate him (little walking, quiet breaks, home early) and doing my own thing with the kids alone.

You are obviously a flexible thinker who finds it easy to change your behaviour, but it seems your H is not. Talk to him and try to understand his position, and also do your own thing.