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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband is indexable

192 replies

kyleannkelsey · 09/08/2019 04:23

My husband is overall a nice guy but he is unbelievably inflexible by my account. Many years ago we had a fight about how I felt I could only choose from a couple options for weekend activities, costco or stay at home and do chores and watch TV. He said that we could do other things if I have him adequate time to adjust. So, basically I had to "present" my weekend plans on Tuesday. Then, I was essentially locked in. If it turned out to be better weather and I wanted to go hiking. I would get a big sigh, an irritated look and a "what happened to our plan?" He claims that I misread his reaction, but I can't imagine a universe when his behavior/reaction/expression could be understood as anything but irritation and scorn. He always told me that he's not restricting what I do, I can do anything I want, with a catch, it must be by myself. I hate this argument, for obvious reasons. It's nonsense. He doesn't see how he's just telling me that he doesn't care enough to accommodate my interests of lifestyle. Many years later, I have blown off his rules. We have 3 kids. I plan every trip and try to make it as co for table as I can for him. . He answers a few yes or no questions about his preferences and takes no part in any other part. These are crucial years. Our kids are young and I want to make the most of our time. But he continues to focus on staying home, making sure the lawn is even, dishwasher is emptied, all the clothes are washed. It's all focus on day to day. I feel like his priority always had been and always will be the stuff that should be background stuff that we do when the kids are asleep, cleaning and maintaining our home. No focus on making memories, discovering new things together, exploring with our children.

I don't want to hear about how we can explore and discover with our children at home. I have every opportunity to do that and I do every day. It's a big world and I want our discovery and exploration to not be limited by our property line or our town. I just want freedom for our family, including my husband to experience the broad world together.

I am looking for advice on how to make this a reality, not judgement of who is right or who is wrong. I am human, so my word choice is not going to be legally representative of the situation, so read my interpretation with a soft focus.

I just want advice on how to engage my husband and help him adjust his focus.

OP posts:
Disfordarkchocolate · 09/08/2019 07:42

This sounds joyless and stifling. How do your children cope with this?

MollyButton · 09/08/2019 07:42

He a social delight. He has a phd. He's in a managerial position at work. He has no signs of symptoms of autism.

Very rigid in his thinking - sounds like one symptom of Autism. And I know a lot of people on the spectrum with PhDs - in fact it probably helps. Lots of managers too (especially the ones you have to learn to manager as they are inflexible and rigid).

But you need to come up with a compromise - especially with children.
So yes to doing things without him.But you need to talk and discuss how "changes in routine" really make him feel. Talk to him about his "coping strategies", and ways you can make a little spontaneity less stressful.

But you are going to have to work on this, and talk to him, and be less rigid yourself and open to other ways of thinking.
But I couldn't bear the thought of going into retirement with someone so rigid in their ways, and it only gets worse at that age too.

fedup21 · 09/08/2019 07:48

Valid VictorianGrin

Mummyoflittledragon · 09/08/2019 07:51

My fil has a bunch of autistic traits. No diagnosis. The way I first realised this was talking to a parent of autistic teens and they sounded like a carbon copy of my fil. As my dh gets older her gets more similar to him. 😩 I feel your pain.

Just one example of communication with dh is he totally ignores me unless I say his name very loudly first because he doesn’t hear conversation not addressed specifically at him. And even then he often doesn’t respond. Mine is s bit like yours, hates things sprung on him. Maybe if you looked at your dhs behaviour you’d see a lot more.

Mummyoflittledragon · 09/08/2019 07:52

Oh yeh and mine is highly intelligent too. Has a double masters.

JinglingHellsBells · 09/08/2019 07:54

@kyleannkelsey I only clicked on this as I wanted to know what 'indexable'' was! Can you get your heading changed ? Smile

furrytoebean · 09/08/2019 07:59

My dh is like this.
He will do anything but he needs about a week of warning and getting used to the idea. If I wasn’t with him he would live in a white house with nothing on the walls and only leave to go to work and once a month visit his friends.

I love him very dearly but he likes routine and whereas I find his way of life dull he finds mine anxiety provoking and stressful.

The way around it is to have a full life outside of your husband so your needs are being met too.

I organise things with dh and if I want something spontaneous I just go with someone else.

TheTitOfTheIceberg · 09/08/2019 08:02

“Valid Victorian” is almost certainly an autocorrect for valedictorian, from the context.

plinkyblonk · 09/08/2019 08:04

I think you need to do what you want with the kids! If he doesn't want to it's his loss the kids will soon realise that dad never goes out with them which might kick start engaging with family life.

If he's resentful when you come home tell him to do one (being polite here). He should have gone with you and that you know that things need done at home but there is more to life than cleaning and tidying.

My partner likes a plan too which is fine but if plans change for whatever reason I go with it whether he moans or not. I tell him to get over it, I compromise with his plans a lot and sometimes you need to put your foot down and be selfish.

septemberismyfavouritemonth · 09/08/2019 08:12

Sounds awful and you sounds incompatible.

NotStayingIn · 09/08/2019 08:15

Sorry Valid Victorian GrinGrin If you will try and use valedictorian in a post... Grin

No advice really. I’m just a bit baffled. You seem adamant that behaviour is a choice and can be changed. So haven’t you already answered your own question? He doesn’t want to change.

Melioration · 09/08/2019 08:16

I have one of these. Sometimes he can be boring, but he is utterly reliable. Sometimes he curtails my creativity, but other times he makes sure what I started gets finished. I rarely have to clear up after him.
He is also very clever and good with words which makes me laugh. (I also use him as a dictionary Blush )

twattymctwatterson · 09/08/2019 08:17

I'm not sure what you want from posting here. This has been the case for many years, it sounds like you've spoken with him about it several times and he's not changed. He doesn't WANT to change so won't.

You basically have two choices; you can accept this is and always will be your life or you can leave.

goingdeepinthesky · 09/08/2019 08:20

Sorry but I wasted my bloody youth trying to engage reasonable with someone who just didn't want to change and was unable to see a perspective other than his own.

If he doesn't want to change and doesn't seem the need to he just won't.

I am sure he can understand English perfectly well. You are clearly articulate. I am sure you have already clearly articulated your position in a way he is perfectly able to understand the meaning of.

If he hasn't changed it is because he doesn't want to and nothing you will say will cause him to care enough about your perspective.

Get on with making memories with the kids yourself and leave him to the domesticity.

StripeySocks29 · 09/08/2019 08:24

All relationships require behavioral modification.

Oh, you’re one of THOSE women....You married him thinking you could change him, you were wrong. He’s been clear about how he works, if you didn’t like it you should have found someone more compatible in the first place.

JaniceBattersby · 09/08/2019 08:25

I would just wake up on a Saturday, look out of the window and say ‘right kids it’s a lovely day, we’re off to the seaside’ and start getting ready. He can make his own choice whether to come or no but I just completely ignore any grumpiness at all.

“Yes the plans have changed because the weather has. Isn’t that great?”

“Oh ok, you stay at home and have a lovely day. Come on kids.”

If he comes and is grumpy, just treat him like the child he’s behaving like. Ignore and chivvy along as though everything is ok.

Ok, it will be bloody irritating and annoying at first but I reckon he’ll soon get used to the new way of working.

Esspee · 09/08/2019 08:25

You say he has no signs or symptoms of autism. What you have described of his behaviour, the things you are objecting to, are just that.

Chathamhouserules · 09/08/2019 08:26

Having autism or asd is absolutely no barrier to having a phd.
My husband prefers to do jobs around the house at the weekend. I just take the kids out by themselves. And we all go out together occasionally.
I think compromise is the only way forward.

cdtaylornats · 09/08/2019 08:26

He is a planner, he isn't alone. Not joyless just not a random lunatic.

I like plans for doing things. If you say lets make memories, I say let's not make a memory of standing on a railway station at midnight because the plan didn't include getting home when the last train was cancelled.

gingersausage · 09/08/2019 08:27

For fuck’s sake why is MN so fucking OBSESSED with autism? Stop using it as a fucking armchair diagnosis for every single fucking person who doesn’t fit your cosy little ideal of “normal”.

Autism is a condition that is diagnosed by medical professionals (not numptys on the internet) and it is nota catch-all term for “annoying”. There’s no wonder people with autism and people with autistic children struggle to get help and resources, when every fucker can just diagnose it. Jesus it makes me so angry.

Fresta · 09/08/2019 08:35

Have you tried asking him to plan the trips out instead of you? Tell him what activity you want to do and get him to plan it all- where, times, what to take, how to get there etc.

goingdeepinthesky · 09/08/2019 08:35

Just wanted to add, don't fall down the rabbit hole I did of thinking, 'if only I can find the right words to make him understand, then things will get better.'

That just wont' happen. No one here has a combination of words that will work - your words have been perfectly understandable.

Nearlyalmost50 · 09/08/2019 08:35

I think having one more adventurous parent and one more stay at home is a good combination.

I am the homebody in this situation, but unlike your husband, I am always happy if someone else cooks up a last min plan and takes the kids off and away. He has taken the children all types of places, theme parks, attractions by himself, usually so I could get a rest on the weekend or do some work.

He would be bored sitting in with me, I get tired by the weekend working f/t and don't want always to pack up and go elsewhere. The trick isn't to try to involve him all the time- just leave him home and go out yourself, good bonding time with the kids, then have a day at home the next day.

Things we do together include going for a meal and playing games.

We aren't a 'everyone in the family has to do everything' style family though- which some people prefer. Just make the most of your different styles, the children can gain a lot from each.

Nanny0gg · 09/08/2019 08:35

He's selfish.

He has no need to change.

So he won't.

HoppingPavlova · 09/08/2019 08:36

He has a phd. He's in a managerial position at work. He has no signs of symptoms of autism.

Well that’s clinched it. He has a PhD. Can’t possibly have autism Confused. No idea how you arrived at that or some of the other pearlers you have come out with. Suspect you don’t understand much about ASD at all.

Sounds exactly like one of mine (who has ASD by the way). They are happy in their usual environment, they don’t like to go off exploring and experiencing, it doesn’t make them happy, they don’t have a good time, it makes them resentful, miserable and in some situations anxious. Not everyone is the same. It sounds like you are just not compatible tbh.