Husband is indexable

[kyleannkelsey]

My husband is overall a nice guy but he is unbelievably inflexible by my account. Many years ago we had a fight about how I felt I could only choose from a couple options for weekend activities, costco or stay at home and do chores and watch TV. He said that we could do other things if I have him adequate time to adjust. So, basically I had to "present" my weekend plans on Tuesday. Then, I was essentially locked in. If it turned out to be better weather and I wanted to go hiking. I would get a big sigh, an irritated look and a "what happened to our plan?" He claims that I misread his reaction, but I can't imagine a universe when his behavior/reaction/expression could be understood as anything but irritation and scorn. He always told me that he's not restricting what I do, I can do anything I want, with a catch, it must be by myself. I hate this argument, for obvious reasons. It's nonsense. He doesn't see how he's just telling me that he doesn't care enough to accommodate my interests of lifestyle. Many years later, I have blown off his rules. We have 3 kids. I plan every trip and try to make it as co for table as I can for him. . He answers a few yes or no questions about his preferences and takes no part in any other part. These are crucial years. Our kids are young and I want to make the most of our time. But he continues to focus on staying home, making sure the lawn is even, dishwasher is emptied, all the clothes are washed. It's all focus on day to day. I feel like his priority always had been and always will be the stuff that should be background stuff that we do when the kids are asleep, cleaning and maintaining our home. No focus on making memories, discovering new things together, exploring with our children.

I don't want to hear about how we can explore and discover with our children at home. I have every opportunity to do that and I do every day. It's a big world and I want our discovery and exploration to not be limited by our property line or our town. I just want freedom for our family, including my husband to experience the broad world together.

I am looking for advice on how to make this a reality, not judgement of who is right or who is wrong. I am human, so my word choice is not going to be legally representative of the situation, so read my interpretation with a soft focus.

I just want advice on how to engage my husband and help him adjust his focus.

You don’t want actual help OP, you are just defending your husband, even though he sounds fucking awful. Why bother posting?

Ha ha? I have. Many apologies. I need to go to bed

I am someone who cannot enjoy a day out if I know I've got to do a list of chores when I get home. I spend the whole day thinking about the basket of ironing, the fact that I left the bathroom in disarray and there's nothing in to make packed lunches for the kids.

Consequently, the first day of the weekend or the holiday is spent doing chores so that I can fully enjoy the subsequent days. Might this be an issue for your dp?

When you talk to him what are his reasons? I mean, if he came on mn what would he say?

Does it seem like social anxiety, depression, worries about money, irritation that he looks forward to plans that you then unilaterally change on a whim? Does he feel that he does the lion's share of the housework because otherwise it wouldn't get done?

If he's absolutely immovable then all you can do is embrace your differences and provide experiences for your dc that play to your respective strengths.

*unstrap not instead.

He just has developed behaviors that are not conducive the lifestyle I want to live.

You can't change him. So you either learn to work around him or leave him.

Honestly, if this is just what he is like (you seem to dismiss the idea that there is an underlying condition) then you are the one who needs to be more flexible.

If you love him, accept him as he is. It must be horrible to be married to someone who is trying to change a fundamental part of your personality every weekend just to suit their idea of a good time.

Love the one you're with. Do exciting things on your own with the children or learn to enjoy pottering around at home as he does.

He's a homebody. 🤷‍♀️ Is that really so bad?

Make a detailed plan to go somewhere with him and kids and have a detailed back up plan. Start off with a non-weather dependent thing. Start small (and with things that interest him) and then move on to more exciting adventures.

My DH is like this but less extreme. He does like me being with him so sometimes he will come along even if not his favourite thing.

MY Dh is like you OP, always planning the next adventure...which can be nice but it is a bit OTT at times, he doesn't consider all the jobs that need done or that the Dc might be tired and need some down time sometimes. I find it quite overwhelming at times. I don't want to do jobs when they are asleep- that could be quiet time. I found it is actually a kind of thing with him as in he is a bit of a type A personality always on the go, bit of a workaholic and gets easily 'bored', always seeking excitement, whereas I find the simple everyday things good as well.

I also agree with him that of you want to pursue something new you could do it yourself, why should he always have to also. Do you always need him to come too?

Anxiety? I suffer from it on and off and there are times when I just cannot deviate from my plans or I have a panic attack.

I like the cat and puppy analogy.
I am a cat but if dh says Sunday we're going xyz I said fine and we fit the jobs in Saturday.
You said he could work with a plan.
Do that:
On Sunday we can do x but if it rains we can do y.
You get to adventure.
Jobs still needing doing so why not get them out the way and then party on.

You keep talking about this being 'just behaviour'and that behaviour can change. It can.

You've also asked for ideas on how you can engage your husband.

To do this, you need to understand that all behaviour is communication.

What do you think he is trying to communicate?

I know the feeling of needing to know the plan for stuff, I hate surprises and I dislike drastic last minute changes that spoil the arrangements.

Although I can cope if I know the plan is that there is no plan, if that makes sense? Your husband sounds like an extreme case of me and I already thought I was annoying!

Would it possibly work if you compromised and presented the "no plan plan" early in the week, so he has time to do all his fiddling and chores etc, knowing that the weekend was going to be taken up.

You are incompatible. You want different things. Neither of you is right or wrong.

You can’t change him. And he refuses to compromise. So you options are

1. Stay and compromise by doing your own thing on your own with the kids
2. Stay and compromise by doing his thing with him so you can be together
3. Leave him

geeze, behaviors are not an intrinsic part of who you are. I continuously change my behaviors, adapt and develop for better or worse. Human behaviors are malleable and any and all relationships require adjustment and compromise. All relationships require behavioral modification

Behaviours are absolutely an intrinsic part of who you are! Continuously changing your behaviours is an intrinsic behaviour in itself. Why do relationships require 'behaviour modification'? Why would you want to change the person you fell in love with?
OP, your DH sounds a bit like mine. It used to infuriate me that he wouldn't just go along with my (very sparse) plans at the drop of a hat, but I now accept that, it is what it is. I was getting stressed that he wouldn't do what I wanted, he was getting stressed that I wouldn't do what he wanted. Seemed like a stupid situation to be in. We have compromised now. He gets time to do the things he feels need to be done, such as mowing the lawn or putting the washing in, I help to do things that I know would cause him anxiety if we were to leave the house before they were done, then he happily goes along with my plan for the rest of the day. BTW, I too think he's got ASD, or OCD as not being in control of things causes him massive anxiety. (Not in a negative way, he has no control over me, nor would he want to).

I don’t think there’s anything wrong p,anning the weekend on a Tuesday. I rather like making sure everything is absolutely ship shape before I go anywhere so I can come back, tired, have there’s nothing to do.

I absolutely hate spontaneous arrangements as it means I get in a tiz thinking about all the things I could be doing. For me, it’s important that is done, everything planned and arranged before I “make memories” - gosh I hate that term.

Anyway, I say live and let live. Compromise both of you. I would agree with the above, he sounds a bit OCD, I am a bit OCD too.

Lots of signs of autism there op..I live with 3 family members who have it .sounds familiar what you write

You say he is a good dad/ husband and you don’t want to leave.
Well by this age ( middle age) in my experience people don’t change.id be leaving him at home with his jobs while I take kids out

I'm like you - I don't like to plan too far ahead. Could you maybe start out by having one unplanned weekend a month, just one day either Sat or Sun. If he has four weeks to get his head round the idea of a non-planned day he may be happier? If that works you could build it up to more often?

Oh geeze, behaviors are not an intrinsic part of who you are. I continuously change my behaviors, adapt and develop for better or worse. Human behaviors are malleable and any and all relationships require adjustment and compromise. All relationships require behavioural modification.

Fine, if you process things in a particular way. I think he’s made it clear that he struggles with ‘spontaneity’ and has tried to compromise.

You can of course scoff at his compromise but it won’t change the fact that he struggles with spontaneity. It doesn’t sound like he is rejecting the choice of activities
but the process at arriving at them.

Sorry if I’ve missed it but have you tried explaining to him how this attitude is making you feel? Recently I mean.

Sounds like he’s a home body, I would be more concerned if he only wanted to do ‘his’ activities. Do you both work Mon -Fri? Does he see the weekends as relaxing time? If everything else is good in your marriage I can’t see that a compromise can’t be worked out, you want him to understand it from your perspective but equal you have to understand his but that doesn’t mean there are no compromises.

My df was an introvert and wasn’t big on the going-out scene. We just did things with dm.

It doesn’t Stop your kids having a fantastic childhood.

Sounds like you're in the US but your Valid Victorian made me think of JRM!

I guess you meant inflexible?

My ex was like this (I suspected ASD) and I moved on. I think if you want to be happy you'll have to either do things that suit you and essentially live separate lives, or... Game over.

Any chance he could be on the autistic spectrum? My dsis can't cope with any change of plans

OP, your H is controlling.
From my experience (I had a H who displayed the same behaviour), looking back at a 20 yo marriage, it’s nothing but control.
Outings and socialising had to be on his terms, otherwise he would not join us, or do so begrudgingly.

It’s a bit like he realised that what brings me joy (going out, exploring, seeing people) can be turned on and off with his behaviour.

I struggled with it for a while, trying to accomodate him, I stopped the minute he ramped up the grumpiness and the rudeness. I continued to go out with DD, see places and people, he was very welcomed.

After quite a few years, we grew apart, he started attacking my choices of outings, friends. It all culminated one day when we were invited for dinner, with the kids, at one of our mutual friends, when he came late because he wanted to watch a programme at 7pm first, I left him to it and went for dinner, he arrived an hour later, refused to eat because he food was awful, he wanted to put the tv on, although by then we were playing boardgames with the kids. He refused to join in the game etc. It was awful. The hosts took me to one side and said please don’t feel bad, we can see he is only trying to spoil your fun.

Few years later I found someone I am still looling at in complete disbelief: he’ll go along with anything I’m suggesting!!! Not make a sing and a song about it, if I say: there’s x exhibition I’d like to see, he gets the diary, finds a date and books it there and then. AND he asks: oh, shall we ask so and so if they want to see it, it would be right up their street. I actually enjoy spending time with this one, we grow together, we share experiences.