Ex wants me to leave DP

[Boysbeforeflowers]

New to this, and this might be long, sorry.

When I was 17, I had a short fling with a 15 year old boy that resulted in me getting pregnant with twin boys. I was young and stupid (I know) and did lots of dumb stuff, but when I told the father a year after their birth, he wanted to be their dad and asked to be part of their lives. Ex loves the boys, who are now 13. Ex came into a sizeable inheritance when he was 18, and he used part of it to buy the twins and me a house. He is now married and has 4 DC with his wife. I have the boys Monday evening until Friday morning, and during half of the holidays.

Two years ago I met my DP. He moved in to my house a while ago, but he's recently mentioned he'd like me to move out and buy a house with him. This is a bit of a point of contention, but I digress. I love DP, but I'm not sure the boys like him, and I feel that they have been manipulating their father into getting me to try break things off with me.

Last time we spoke ex said DP sounded 'controlling' and wondered whether the relationship was a good one. He got quite annoyed when he found out DP wanted me to move, and we've had a few arguments about this. According to him it's all about the kids, but I feel like he's trying to tell me what to do and it's making me resent him!

Last night it all came to a head and I'm so angry and upset Twins are on holiday with their father atm and he called yesterday, screaming down the telephone that I need to leave my 'excuse of a man DP' as he's fucking with my kids heads. One of my twins has told us recently that he thinks he might be gay, and he's told his father that DP has been calling him derogatory names when I'm not around. Now apparently I am to be a horrible mother if I don't leave him. We had a blazing row over the phone, and eventually I just hung up on him and cried. DP is visiting family so isn't home, and I don't know whether to believe what my son has said. He's nearly 14 and hasn't been keen on me having a partner from the start, so part of me is worried that he's trying to drive a wedge between everyone. I just don't know what I should be doing. I want to call DP, but I'm just not in a good place right now, and I feel there's nobody on my side. My DC are my everything, but I feel so alone right now and I'm wishing I'd never gotten pregnant, as my life has been so bloody complicated since then. And now I just feel awful sad I know DP is about to propose as well, so there's all these things and they're overwhelming me and I don't know what I should be doing. I feel like my ex has it all figured out and I am just eternally being punished for being young and stupid that one time.

Sorry if that was long, it's hard to explain my situation and I'm finding things difficult to process atm.

You children always, always come before a relationship.

You are risking ruining your own relationship with your child if you don’t believe him. And if it is true how utterly disgusting of your dp. I would have him out quicker than you could blink if dd told me or a family member that.

You need to sit down and calmly speak with your child when he gets back. Make sure he knows you have his back and will always listen to his side of the story. You are your children’s secure haven and they need to know that they come first.

And then talk to your dp when your children aren’t around and find out what his side of the story is. And go from there. But don’t automatically think this is down to your kids not wanting you to be in a relationship. They probably don’t like your dp for very good reason.

I would wait till the dc get back and sit down with them without your DP there and have a talk about what has been said. If they don't like your DP then you will need to re-evaluate the relationship with him. Also, I wouldn't speak about this to your DP until you have spoken to the DCs. It may be that you will need to hold off getting married until the DCs are older and have flown the nest. Good luck x

Mustard x-posted. See we agree.

This all needs careful unravelling.

Forgetting your twins for the moment, are you happy with your DP, what do you think of how he is with your sons? That would be my starting point, trust your own instincts on this one first. If you think your twins and your ex are manipulating you then you have to deal with that separately.

Your ex still has control over you because his money bought you the house you live in. Your sons are becoming men and they will always have a problem with another man in the house that isn’t there father. It comes with the hormones.

If you are happy in your relationship then you have the right to keep that going. Your sons are going to be on their way in five years or so. It’s not fair for them to destroy your happiness and then leave. I don’t know if it’s a possibility to live separate from your DP but still keep the relationship going? When you talk about buying a house together does that mean your house equity will get thrown into the lot with your DPs? If so that’s probably what’s caused all this drama, your ex is concerned the kids inheritance will disappear. Perhaps ring fencing the money would help everyone calm down.

Honestly, it always doesn’t matter if he’s lying (IYSWIM). If your kids don’t like this guy, then if you continue to foist your DP on your kids and move into a new house together, then be prepared for your relationship with your kids to suffer.

I can understand you wanting a life and a relationship, but it doesn’t seem that you can have that and happy kids. So, you make your choice...your relationship or your kids. Which is more important?

You need to sit down and have a good talk with your twins and really listen to them.

Just to add I do have some experience of this through a close family member. She has twin boys and a son and man they have done a number on her love life making sure no man was ever good enough and they were too scared to stick around for long.

She has been single now since the youngest were about 8 and of course now they’re in their twenties and worry about her happiness they want her to start dating! Easier said than done in your fifties.

I tried to ask my ex how this came about, he said that he'd taken my son canoeing and he'd asked if he could live with him instead of me. He's now distraught. I'm worried about talking to DP as he really doesn't like ex and will likely blow up, which will ruin everyone's summer break. He suggested last year that we have the boys at the weekend and ex has them during the week, because everyone was mopey and he needed time to de-stress from work. I said no as I love having them around and their school is closer to my house than their dad's. Now I'm thinking this was a bad sign .

If you think your son is right and DP isn’t acting in their best interests then you need to end the relationship OP.

if the man has been calling him names then yes I agree with your ex. you should not be with a man who would do that to your children

He suggested last year that we have the boys at the weekend and ex has them during the week, because everyone was mopey and he needed time to de-stress from work.

If he thinks its acceptable to try and force your boys out of their own home, it's not a stretch to believe your son I think OP.

Neither your ex nor your DP has a right to kick off or shout at you.

The most important part of any of your posts is that one of your sons is so unhappy at home he wants to move out.

Doesn't that show you what the right decision is? It really should.

He suggested last year that we have the boys at the weekend and ex has them during the week, because everyone was mopey and he needed time to de-stress from work.

This is worrying, they're your children, he knew about them when you got together why is he trying to get rid of them like they're an inconvenience? They're not like dogs to be re-homed.

Sorry but this alone would be enough for me to back off from the relationship.

I'm worried about talking to DP

You don't need to talk to him at all.

Send your ex a message and tell him you'll talk to your son when he gets home, and you hope they are all happy and calm and that you're sorry if things got heated.

Then when your sons get back talk to your son, very calmly, and tell him you'll always put him first, ask him what your DP has said to him, and whatever he tells you, BELIEVE HIM.

If he tells you that your DP has been putting him down, then you tell him that's just not on, and you're really sorry, and you straight away tell your DP it's over. If he tells you he made it all up then you tell him it's not acceptable to tell lies, and ask why he did that. And you reassure him and tell him you love him, no matter what he says.

I have to say that I think you are going to have to get rid of your DP.

I can appreciate you might feel your DS is manipulating things but think carefully- why doesn’t he and his brother like your DP?

They have presumably fully accepted your ex’s wife and further four kids and willingly spend half their time in that household.

So why are they so opposed to your DP which I’m theory should be easier to tolerate as there are no other kids involved.

If you are truly honest with yourself, is your DP kind to the kids? Could he have said what your DS claims he said?

Do your DSs tell you they don’t like him and if so how do you respond?

Your ex may well just want his kids best interests here as he seemingly had little to gain by you staying single- after all he has married and has a whole new family.

Talk to your boys. Listen to your boys most importantly.

I think you need to speak to your boys away from their father and also speak to your DP separately as well. I wouldn't be acting on the word of your ex alone here.

Also, please remember that MN is pretty hostile to step-parents on here and some of the responses on here clearly are assuming the absolute worst about your DP. You know him better so please balance those responses with that.

Tbh if you're worried about your DP 'blowing up' and he's already tried to stop them living mainly with you then I think your ex has a point.

Tbh I can see your ex’s point of view, your sons have never taken to your dp and for some reason you see this as their fault, rather than considering how your dp is with your sons when you are not there. The very fact you are worried he will ‘blow up’ tells me he can be aggressive and has anger issues. To me that is a huge red flag!

Your son has been incredibly brave to come out at such a tender age, if your dp has been calling him homophobic names to the point he is in tears and begging to live with his Dad, then your dp is an abusive and homophobic bully. Quite frankly I don’t understand why you are not angry at your dp! Why are you worrying about telling him in case he explodes? You should be worrying about the long term implications on your boys of having an abusive step father in the house.

In your ex’s shoes I would be angry, especially as you assume that your ex and sons are the ones lying! Your ex seems to have been a fantastic Dad, who has provided for you and your sons as well as maintaining a great relationship with your boys. Why is he suddenly deemed manipulative? Can you really not see that the problem isn’t your sons- the problem is your dp, who it seems has successfully made your sons feel unwelcome in their own home!

As a step-parent and biological mum who has "managed" teens I can say that a teen's dislike of that step-parent often has more to do with their own hormones and struggles with their identity related to their biological parents not being together as it does with particular actions by that parent.

Please speak to all concerned and don't make a hasty judgement here.

@Hopoindown31 have you read the op’s update? She says her dp has basically asked her to get rid of her kids to suit him, and she said scared of him blowing up and ruining the rest of the summer holidays.

I’m all for supporting blended families, but that’s not her kids acting out of hormones, that’s a grown man being a bastard.

Her children are fine with their dad and his wife and family, so the issue here is clearly op’s dp. Sticking up for abusive men is a really horrid trait.

Your ex sounds like a brilliant dad and one who seriously stepped up above and beyond.

Your ex has a new partner and 4 children and you two have a co-parenting relationship.

Your DP wants you to uproot your boys from their home and move house. He also doesn't like your ex. It may well be the case that he resents feeling like he is living in your ex's house.
He also doesn't want to be a step parent fully and thinks his want to de-stress on an evening is more important than your children remaining at home so he has asked if you can only see your kids on weekends. Has it occured to you he may be hoping that by muscling in, suggesting house moves etc that the boys choose to go to their dad's to live (which conveniently gets him his own way)?

Maybe your DC are being awful and manipulative but there are a hell of a lot of red flags here OP

Also worrying is the DP wanting to move to a house that he will no doubt see as his. If he was not someone who can blow up and 'ruin the holidays' then I can see this could be reasonable, but given what has happened this speaks to controlling behaviour. I am sorry OP, but it looks like too many red flags to me. I have been there, and the fallout was horrendous for my DC.

You're doing your sons a great disservice by continuing a relationship with this man.
He doesn't want them living with you, he says abusive things to one of them at least. They don't need this in their lives.
How does your "D"P compare financially with you? When he suggests buying a house together what does he say the financing will consist of & how much will he be putting in? How much does he contribute atm for household expenses?
Your ex bought a house for his sons' & their mother's security & comfort, not for their mother and another man to turn his sons out of. If you stay with this man - and I think it would destroy your sons to have you choose him over them - would you consider transferring the house to them in a trust until they're 18 & you & your dp forge your own way forward on the housing front?

The fact he has suggested you see less of your children for his convenience would be all I needed to get rid of him.

The rest is irrelevant here. He expects his needs to come above those of your children, and as such your relationship is incompatible.

Does your DP live with you, even though your boys don't like him?

The fact your current DP seems to be keen to palm your kids off speaks volumes. Unless your ex has a lot of bad form behind him it’s less likely he’s the bad guy. For someone who had a couple of kids on the way at 15 he seems to have done an usually good job in the circumstances compared to most (helped by the inheritance of course but did do the right thing rather than do a runner). You too no doubt. Not easy at 17.

You need to have a long and proper think about it and be honest with yourself. It’s possible and common for 14 year olds to want to sabotage their mums relationships with new guys but I don’t like the sound of yours and this is from what you’ve written yourself rather than just making my own assumptions out of thin air

Sorry, just re-read. What did your sons think of your partner before he moved in?