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Original poster

Ex wants me to leave DP

321 replies

Boysbeforeflowers · 03/08/2019 12:40

New to this, and this might be long, sorry.

When I was 17, I had a short fling with a 15 year old boy that resulted in me getting pregnant with twin boys. I was young and stupid (I know) and did lots of dumb stuff, but when I told the father a year after their birth, he wanted to be their dad and asked to be part of their lives. Ex loves the boys, who are now 13. Ex came into a sizeable inheritance when he was 18, and he used part of it to buy the twins and me a house. He is now married and has 4 DC with his wife. I have the boys Monday evening until Friday morning, and during half of the holidays.

Two years ago I met my DP. He moved in to my house a while ago, but he's recently mentioned he'd like me to move out and buy a house with him. This is a bit of a point of contention, but I digress. I love DP, but I'm not sure the boys like him, and I feel that they have been manipulating their father into getting me to try break things off with me.

Last time we spoke ex said DP sounded 'controlling' and wondered whether the relationship was a good one. He got quite annoyed when he found out DP wanted me to move, and we've had a few arguments about this. According to him it's all about the kids, but I feel like he's trying to tell me what to do and it's making me resent him!

Last night it all came to a head and I'm so angry and upset Sad Twins are on holiday with their father atm and he called yesterday, screaming down the telephone that I need to leave my 'excuse of a man DP' as he's fucking with my kids heads. One of my twins has told us recently that he thinks he might be gay, and he's told his father that DP has been calling him derogatory names when I'm not around. Now apparently I am to be a horrible mother if I don't leave him. We had a blazing row over the phone, and eventually I just hung up on him and cried. DP is visiting family so isn't home, and I don't know whether to believe what my son has said. He's nearly 14 and hasn't been keen on me having a partner from the start, so part of me is worried that he's trying to drive a wedge between everyone. I just don't know what I should be doing. I want to call DP, but I'm just not in a good place right now, and I feel there's nobody on my side. My DC are my everything, but I feel so alone right now and I'm wishing I'd never gotten pregnant, as my life has been so bloody complicated since then. And now I just feel awful sad I know DP is about to propose as well, so there's all these things and they're overwhelming me and I don't know what I should be doing. I feel like my ex has it all figured out and I am just eternally being punished for being young and stupid that one time. Sad

Sorry if that was long, it's hard to explain my situation and I'm finding things difficult to process atm.

OP posts:
TanMateix · 06/08/2019 23:30

That sounds like a great idea! 😁

People find it difficult to believe in friendships after relationships and in their insecurities condemn them but remember, those that care about you won’t mind, those who don’t do not matter. Smile

IvanaPee · 07/08/2019 11:24

Absolutely go on the kayaking trip!

HeckyPeck · 07/08/2019 12:13

Well done for being so brave and telling “D”P to sling his hook.

Seconded. It was really brave of you.

There will be better and brighter things on the horizon for you now OP!

TurtleCavalryIsSeriousShit · 07/08/2019 13:25

Oh @Boysbeforeflowers, people were really hard on you but all I read was just someone at a low point and needing some validation.

You have done so amazingly well bringing up your two boys and making sure the relations with their dad is good.

You, ex and his wife have done what a hell of a lot of people cannot do. Be proud of that.

And be friends with the wife. My sister was in a similar situation as you (though not twins). She was best friends with his wife and when he left her too (he was not as nice as your ex) they remained firm friends and my sister's son still goes to his ex-stepmum for weekends to visit his half-siblings.

You sound so lonely and I wish I could give you a hug. You need to work on your self esteem now. Value yourself and you will find someone that values you too. Also, have you been to the GP lately? Some anti-depressions might help to pull you out of this slump?

Jade74 · 07/08/2019 13:58

I have read through most of this thread and I have been through similar my ex husband was horrible to my older daughter (not his) for a few years before we split up and she is now an adult . I still feel guilty about this now and she does mention it . I have a younger DC with my now ex husband and I am very very aware and weary of who comes into her life for fear of making the same mistakes again so my advice is to be very careful in the future who meets your DC s and put them first. No man is worth falling out with your DC s . Good luck

CloudPop · 07/08/2019 14:09

Good luck OP. you've done a great job raising twins on your own from so young. You've also done the right thing now. Clear your head and then see what life brings. I wish you all of the very best.

LittleFairywren · 07/08/2019 15:06

If the boys stepmum wants to be friends, why not just take it slow and see how it goes?

Original poster
Boysbeforeflowers · 07/08/2019 15:17

It's not that she wants to be friends, it's that she wants to be close friends, like go on holiday together and such. I like her a lot, so I've only ever held off because I didn't want things to be weird. Now things are weird anyway, so perhaps it doesn't matter.

ExP came by today and caused a major scene and doing all the stuff I wasn't looking forward to Sad. I think I'm becoming ill because of it, so things aren't exactly smooth sailing. Part of me wants to cancel holiday with DC and just stay home, but that might be incredibly selfish. I can't easily shut him out of my life unfortunately. He's now making a fuss over furniture and I'm just too exhausted to deal with it all, between that and the emotional shite.

OP posts:
billy1966 · 07/08/2019 15:22

I agree, you sound like a great woman doing her best.

You are well rid of that awful man. Mean with money is a great indicator of personality IMO.

Sensible or wise is fine, but tightness is a very ugly trait.

Definitely accept the hand of friendship from the twins step mum. She sounds great and she obviously sees similar qualities in you.

Best of luck.

LittleFairywren · 07/08/2019 15:27

to be honest I would take friends where you can find them but being closer friends then you are doesn't necessarily mean you have to go on holiday with her. I wouldn't cancel the holiday with the boys your ex is trying to control you by making your life difficult and cancelling holiday would only punish your children who haven't done anything wrong. And nor have you. Imagine how much better you are going to feel in a few weeks when this initial separation is over and done with. it would be easier in the very very short term to let him come back (for about a day) but unless you want to still be living this life when you are 80 you're going to have to get rid of him at some point. It might as well be now.

verystressedmum · 07/08/2019 15:39

He's saving up his money to buy HIMSELF a house. You have house. Your boys have a house your house will be theirs. He needs your house money in order to buy a house.
And what happens when the boys are living in HIS house? Will he say he doesn't want them there?

Itsallgonewoowoo · 07/08/2019 15:44

Just a thought for the future OP. My Dh's dad died a couple of years ago but his mum and step mum still all come over for Christmas. I think the friendship between all 3 (incl FIL when alive) was actually a very good thing for my DH, taught him how to handle relationships in a positive way.

Well done on chucking out exP , I agree he sounds like a bullying cock lodger.

Jiggles101 · 07/08/2019 16:11

When I read your comment about her wanting to be 'close' and you not wanting to be a freak I assumed for a minute you meant in that way BlushGrin

Zofloramummy · 07/08/2019 19:39

Rule of thumb, if he bought it he can take it. If it is an essential item (white goods etc) then unfortunately he can’t take it because you need it. He didn’t pay his share for the time he lived there. I would let him take non essential items because I’d probably get rid of anything bought by an ex anyhow. But essential items can be an in lieu payment of how much he actually cost you to keep.

Zofloramummy · 07/08/2019 19:40

Be grateful he wants to take his stuff, my ex left loads of furniture and personal items including his mother’s wedding dress!

timeisnotaline · 07/08/2019 22:07

Don’t give him any furniture unless you hate it and want it gone. He’s been building his house deposit off you.

billy1966 · 07/08/2019 22:19

@Zofloramummy

What she said above. 👍

Go on holiday.

Original poster
Boysbeforeflowers · 07/08/2019 22:35

He's taken the boys' gaming console Sad

OP posts:
IvanaPee · 07/08/2019 22:42

What??

Jade74 · 07/08/2019 22:42

That is just mean you have had a narrow escape what a nasty d* just let him take his stuff then I would end all contact for your own health and sons benefit you don’t need low lives like that in your life .

Jade74 · 07/08/2019 22:45

Also if he has a key please change the locks

PJMasksGhekko · 07/08/2019 22:55

Well Op, he's just showing his true colours, and yes if he has a key, change the locks, a games console can eventually be replaced. Fucking idiot, not you, him.

Winterlife · 07/08/2019 22:57

Did you pay for the console? If you did, in your shoes I would demand it back.

I agree, change the locks. If he wants anything else, he gets it when he returns the console.

Original poster
Boysbeforeflowers · 07/08/2019 23:05

It was a joint Christmas present to my DC

OP posts:
Winterlife · 07/08/2019 23:07

How petty! This proves he was using you to save money.

I’d still change the locks, pack his stuff and tell him it will be on the steps on X day. I’d also keep anything purchased jointly.