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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ex wants me to leave DP

321 replies

Boysbeforeflowers · 03/08/2019 12:40

New to this, and this might be long, sorry.

When I was 17, I had a short fling with a 15 year old boy that resulted in me getting pregnant with twin boys. I was young and stupid (I know) and did lots of dumb stuff, but when I told the father a year after their birth, he wanted to be their dad and asked to be part of their lives. Ex loves the boys, who are now 13. Ex came into a sizeable inheritance when he was 18, and he used part of it to buy the twins and me a house. He is now married and has 4 DC with his wife. I have the boys Monday evening until Friday morning, and during half of the holidays.

Two years ago I met my DP. He moved in to my house a while ago, but he's recently mentioned he'd like me to move out and buy a house with him. This is a bit of a point of contention, but I digress. I love DP, but I'm not sure the boys like him, and I feel that they have been manipulating their father into getting me to try break things off with me.

Last time we spoke ex said DP sounded 'controlling' and wondered whether the relationship was a good one. He got quite annoyed when he found out DP wanted me to move, and we've had a few arguments about this. According to him it's all about the kids, but I feel like he's trying to tell me what to do and it's making me resent him!

Last night it all came to a head and I'm so angry and upset Sad Twins are on holiday with their father atm and he called yesterday, screaming down the telephone that I need to leave my 'excuse of a man DP' as he's fucking with my kids heads. One of my twins has told us recently that he thinks he might be gay, and he's told his father that DP has been calling him derogatory names when I'm not around. Now apparently I am to be a horrible mother if I don't leave him. We had a blazing row over the phone, and eventually I just hung up on him and cried. DP is visiting family so isn't home, and I don't know whether to believe what my son has said. He's nearly 14 and hasn't been keen on me having a partner from the start, so part of me is worried that he's trying to drive a wedge between everyone. I just don't know what I should be doing. I want to call DP, but I'm just not in a good place right now, and I feel there's nobody on my side. My DC are my everything, but I feel so alone right now and I'm wishing I'd never gotten pregnant, as my life has been so bloody complicated since then. And now I just feel awful sad I know DP is about to propose as well, so there's all these things and they're overwhelming me and I don't know what I should be doing. I feel like my ex has it all figured out and I am just eternally being punished for being young and stupid that one time. Sad

Sorry if that was long, it's hard to explain my situation and I'm finding things difficult to process atm.

OP posts:
Wallywobbles · 03/08/2019 19:06

But having read your further posts I think this guy and you need a break at the very least. Talk to your kids properly. Don't make rash promises just talk to them. Maybe see a psychologist to sort yourself out and get some counseling. Probably for your son(s) too.

What I find weird is why you haven't had some discussion with them and why it needed to come via your ex.

lawnmowingsucks · 03/08/2019 19:15

I don't need another person to be added to the list of people who think I'm a fuck up 

Stop making this about you and concentrate on your twins. You need to make their lives stable , safe and happy. Moaning about how awful this is for you, is selfish and childish

Concentrate on the children and make their lives safe

First step is about them NOT you

MitziK · 03/08/2019 19:23

He's trying to push your children out like some kind of overgrown cuckoo.

Actually listen to your ex, because he sounds like he's the only one making sense here.

BrendasUmbrella · 03/08/2019 19:37

30 is young. Young enough to find someone more compatible in the future.

From what you've written here I can see why your DS's don't like him, and he sounds manipulative enough to be less pleasant when you're not around. No-one can tell you what to do, but in your situation I'd tell him that moving into a new house will not be happening, and withdraw from the relationship to focus on your DS's. They don't sound happy.

And it's bollocks that he won't pay half for utilities because he doesn't use half. 13 year olds are hardly able to fund their share.

NotStayingIn · 03/08/2019 19:41

You aren’t young. You aren’t hard done by.

BrendasUmbrella · 03/08/2019 19:43

There’s no need to get into child molesting bollocks but can see that some of the more militant people might have ripped the theoretical 17 young man (boy?) a new one.

17 year old boys dating 15 year old girls is very very common. And a two year age difference can mean the next academic year at school. I've never seen anyone ripping an older boy "a new one". It's only when the girl is a couple of years older that people start to get excited and throw around terms like "child molesting"...

Winterlife · 03/08/2019 19:43

And it's bollocks that he won't pay half for utilities because he doesn't use half. 13 year olds are hardly able to fund their share.

Plus he presumably is living in her home rent free. He should be paying ALL the utilities.

goodwinter · 03/08/2019 19:44

Both my sons are quite stroppy at the moment and one has asked for a lock on his door.

This is a screaming red flag OP and I'm surprised most people haven't mentioned it. Your children don't feel safe in their own home.

NameChangeNugget · 03/08/2019 19:51

Your DP sounds awful.

Children first, always

glitterfarts · 03/08/2019 20:07

Your DP is a cocklodger and abusive.

The savings you contribute to: are they in an account with a joint name, or his name?

Why are you saving for a house? You HAVE a house.

Your DP is playing a long game - he's found a single Mum with a house of her own. He thinks he can marry you, have that house become his and then when he divorces you later - he'll take half that house. He wants to change up your kids schedule to suit himself, not what suits their Mum, their Dad or the boys themselves. What's the bet that when you only have them 2/7 days, he'll start kicking off about how they behave in HIS house and make them so uncomfortable that they never come.

Do NOT marry this guy. This is like a slow motion car crash. You are already scared of him.

Here's what I think you should do:

  • Dump him, pack his things,he can clear his things when he gets back. Request your part of the savings back. ( Really that should be 50% as he only saved so much by freeloading off you, which is taking money from your kids. )
  • if you really don't want to dump him, (why???) then have him move back out and only see him when your children aren't there. Never marry him, this is your DS's inheritance (the house) not for any future partner. There is no need for you to marry anyone. You are quite financially secure and that will be worse off if you marry.
  • talk to your boys. How sad that they can't talk to you and don't feel safe, welcome or home in their own house.

You've had your eyes opened. I'd suggest some counselling, Freedom Programme and not worrying about a DP for now. When you value yourself you will attract a nice partner.

Coolcoolcoolcoolcool · 03/08/2019 20:09

OP, maybe people are being a bit blunt and rude in the way they are saying it; but they are talking sense. You should be putting your boys first.

Think of it this way, if the worst case scenario happens, and in 10 years you have broken up with your dp and your sons aren't speaking to you, who do you think you'll miss most?

I know it's hard when everyone else is settling down and has a loving partner, but that doesn't mean you should settle for someone who isn't a perfect fit for you and your kids.

As everyone else has said there are huge red flags against your partner, even if this accusation turns out to be untrue.

Don't sell yourself short, you are not a fuck up. Leave your arsehole 'd'p and maybe try and have a few weekends with your kids so that you have more time to bond.

MaeveDidIt · 03/08/2019 20:12

I think you really are scraping the barrel being with your 'D'P.
You might want the things your ex has, but it's Got to be with the right person.
The whole situation - weekends only, paying a miserly amount to you, ex buying you the house, gay comment etc are totally unacceptable, so why do you accept it?

You need to get shot of him and find someone that deserves you.
Children KNOW when someone doesn't like them.
You will be jumping out of the frying pan into the fire if you marry this guy, because things will get a lot worse.

Original poster
Boysbeforeflowers · 03/08/2019 20:13

@Wallywobbles communications have come via their dad because they're on holiday with him and DS has only now mentioned verbal abuse. Prior to this they've just been stroppy. When they are unhappy they tend to tell their dad because they are very close and always have been. They moan to me about their dad sometimes, or about their baby sisters, but especially my potentially gay DS is very much his dad's son.

Ex and I talk quite a bit because we have to coordinate school things and games and what not. Now that the boys are getting older, they aren't always where they are 'supposed' to be (e.g. two weeks ago DS was home on Sunday, but went over to dad's on Wednesday). They are welcome at either of our homes at any time, but they usually stick to the 3.5 ish day split and have us ferry them due to distance.

Honestly, I posted because I wasn't sure how I was feeling about son's accusations and relationship with DP. I am quite open about my feelings here, as this is a forum and not a Saturday meal with my boys, and I thought I could be a bit more honest. When I said I was young I don't necessarily mean now that I'm in my 30s. I meant I was young when I gave birth to them, and I was young to have to raise them with very little support from anybody else. This has been emotionally draining and difficult, whether I've lived rent free or not. I guess I wanted you all to tell me my ex is being ridiculous because I desperately want him and everyone else to be wrong, because I'm alone and want to be loved by another adult. I don't think that makes me a monster, but I might be wrong.

I've texted DP that I needed some space and could he please stay at his family's tonight, but he has refused and is on his way home. DS texted a picture of his lasagna and said it wasn't as good as mine, so at least I can do something right.

OP posts:
Winterlife · 03/08/2019 20:18

I think most posters understand most of your points OP. I think most want the best outcome for you and your boys. I know it must have been difficult to raise them alone, albeit with a supportive father.

The fact your partner isn’t respecting your boundary today is yet another red flag.

Ellie56 · 03/08/2019 20:23

I've texted DP that I needed some space and could he please stay at his family's tonight, but he has refused.

He doesn't respect you at all does he OP? He is not the right man for you, however much you want him to be. Listen to your boys and dump him.

Caucho · 03/08/2019 20:25

I’m neutral and agree Brenda’s. Not in terms of all age gaps but if 17 v 15 it might only be 1 year depending on birthdays. Suppose it’s all to do with the legal aspect and 16 being the magic number in the UK.

I know the Netherlands had a legal age of 14 (not sure if still) which sounds horrific in terms of being subject to predators but also think there was a age gap rule. So no, it’s not legal for a 40 year old to have sex with a 14 year old.

lawnmowingsucks · 03/08/2019 20:33

I guess I wanted you all to tell me my ex is being ridiculous because I desperately want him and everyone else to be wrong, because I'm alone and want to be loved by another adult. I don't think that makes me a monster, but I might be wrong.

It makes you incredibly self absorbed and selfish imo. The twins have to come first

Your romantic aspirations with dipstick DP are not top of the list in this situation

And you're old enough to know this

MustardScreams · 03/08/2019 20:34

Oh op. The fact that he’s refusing to give you space is just horrendous. Can you put a chain on or leave the key in the lock? Honestly this is a gigantic red flag an you shouldn’t have to put up with this.

lawnmowingsucks · 03/08/2019 20:35

could he please stay at his family's tonight, but he has refused.

It's your house

Not his

Lock the doors and don't let him in

The man is a liability

If he gets arsey call the police

Graphista · 03/08/2019 20:40

Nothing wrong in wanting a relationship, but there is something wrong in focusing on that to the detriment of your own happiness and that of your children AND to the point of them having to put up with being treated like shit by that person.

That he is REFUSING to stay even ONE NIGHT at a family members to give YOU the space YOU need right now is a REALLY bad sign.

What would happen if you locked him out? Wouldn't let him in?

He is completely dismissive of YOUR needs and YOUR boundaries, even from a purely relationship perspective that's appalling!

Branleuse · 03/08/2019 20:42

I don't think you sound self absorbed OP. You sound lonely, and completely controlled by men in your life. I think your ex did a really good thing thing buying you a house. That doesnt mean he gets to dictate now. Your new partner sounds like a lot of red flags and i really would keep your eyes open and stop letting him push you around. If he wanted to support you, he would be already. Dont count on him. And please don't pool your resources. Keep the house in your name only. Half of his house is nowhere near as good a deal

Yawninfinitum · 03/08/2019 20:44

Hope you are ok OP?

Quartz2208 · 03/08/2019 20:48

the fact that he has refused has just sealed it - END IT. End it not just because of your kids and your ex but because this is not the right relationship for you

Stay safe and dont let him in tell him its over

Happyspud · 03/08/2019 20:48

Tread carefully OP. Very carefully.

pikapikachu · 03/08/2019 20:48

could he please stay at his family's tonight, but he has refused.
That's really worrying. Tell him to stay away or you'll call the police.