Ex wants me to leave DP

[Boysbeforeflowers]

New to this, and this might be long, sorry.

When I was 17, I had a short fling with a 15 year old boy that resulted in me getting pregnant with twin boys. I was young and stupid (I know) and did lots of dumb stuff, but when I told the father a year after their birth, he wanted to be their dad and asked to be part of their lives. Ex loves the boys, who are now 13. Ex came into a sizeable inheritance when he was 18, and he used part of it to buy the twins and me a house. He is now married and has 4 DC with his wife. I have the boys Monday evening until Friday morning, and during half of the holidays.

Two years ago I met my DP. He moved in to my house a while ago, but he's recently mentioned he'd like me to move out and buy a house with him. This is a bit of a point of contention, but I digress. I love DP, but I'm not sure the boys like him, and I feel that they have been manipulating their father into getting me to try break things off with me.

Last time we spoke ex said DP sounded 'controlling' and wondered whether the relationship was a good one. He got quite annoyed when he found out DP wanted me to move, and we've had a few arguments about this. According to him it's all about the kids, but I feel like he's trying to tell me what to do and it's making me resent him!

Last night it all came to a head and I'm so angry and upset Twins are on holiday with their father atm and he called yesterday, screaming down the telephone that I need to leave my 'excuse of a man DP' as he's fucking with my kids heads. One of my twins has told us recently that he thinks he might be gay, and he's told his father that DP has been calling him derogatory names when I'm not around. Now apparently I am to be a horrible mother if I don't leave him. We had a blazing row over the phone, and eventually I just hung up on him and cried. DP is visiting family so isn't home, and I don't know whether to believe what my son has said. He's nearly 14 and hasn't been keen on me having a partner from the start, so part of me is worried that he's trying to drive a wedge between everyone. I just don't know what I should be doing. I want to call DP, but I'm just not in a good place right now, and I feel there's nobody on my side. My DC are my everything, but I feel so alone right now and I'm wishing I'd never gotten pregnant, as my life has been so bloody complicated since then. And now I just feel awful sad I know DP is about to propose as well, so there's all these things and they're overwhelming me and I don't know what I should be doing. I feel like my ex has it all figured out and I am just eternally being punished for being young and stupid that one time.

Sorry if that was long, it's hard to explain my situation and I'm finding things difficult to process atm.

I can understand why you are so distressed. I will look at this from a slightly different angle from other PP.

When you say your ex bought you and your boys a house, do you mean you live in the house rent free, or he bought the house and gave you the deeds? is your ex worried that a long term partner would push the boys out of the house he has bought for them to live in? is he worried that if you married your new husband would have a financial claim on the house? Both of which are completely understandable, but also solvable with legal agreements etc. In fact do you have anything legal in place - maybe this is something you should think about irrespective of what happens.

Regarding the nasty comment your boy has said your DP made; obviously you need to talk to you son to find out what has happened. And I agree with other PP that hormones play a big role in relationships with teenagers. It could be the report of you DP making nasty comments sounds un-true and very out of character and I'm not sure a blanket 'you must believe whatever your son says' is appropriate. He may be saying it to break you up as he intensely dislikes your DP. Moving in a partner with 11 yr old twins must have been very difficult for everyone. Maybe things were a little rushed and this has caused resentment from your boys who have had you all to themselves for so long. Certainly doesn't sound as if marrying / buying a house together is going to be straightforward.

Another thing - I don't agree with other pp that your DP suggestion to have the boys at the weekend is a bad idea. You have all the hassle of school, homework, evening activities and their father gets the fun time of the weekends. Wouldn't it be nice to have days out with your boys at the weekends? Would certainly have helped to build a relationship with your DP. Most separated families share weekends for just this very reason, so your DP isn't going out on a limb to suggest it.

Is there a trusted grandparent who could talk to both your boys to find out how they are feeling?

Obviously if your DP has been making abusive comments to your son then you need to end it, now. You know that already. I don't think it's beyond the realms of possibility that your son is lying; it is often very difficult for adolescent boys to accept a new father-figure in the household, and it's not inconceivable that he might make something up, or misrepresent a benign comment. You need to talk to him, OP, and find out. Your partner's suggestion that the boys only spend weekends with you was a bit shitty, tbh; it doesn't suggest a good relationship overall.

Bigger picture, it was commendable for your ex to spend his inheritance on a home for his children and their mother, that was a great and mature thing to do at a young age. But it shouldn't tie you into dancing to his tune for the rest of your life. He can't have expected you to stay single forever, especially when he has formed another family unit. It will be important to talk to him and reassure him about the kids' inheritance etc if that's his concern, but you don't have to stay single and living in the same place for the rest of your days just because you're grateful for him doing a good thing back then.

And can understand the house thing being an issue. Your ex will rightly not want you to throw away your control given he bought it for your own and kids security. A new guy wouldn’t particular like being in that position either and can see why they’ve be keen to have a place of their own to call. Your kids had to come first however

Oh my goodness
You needed to put in the introduction that your dp wanted to switch things round to have the boys less.
He will blow up and ruin the holidays?
Nah ..dump him 100%

Am slightly intrigued though. He was fifteen when you had the DC who are now 13 so that makes him 28 and married with six kids? Four by his DW (that was bloody quick work, no?) and two with you....?

There's got to be a reason your twins don't like your DP. He's being homophobic to your child and is trying to get rid of them it seems. Do the twins like your ex's wife?

I think you actually need to have the boys more
I think both parents should be sharing the weekends with their children,if your ex always has weekends,when do you get to do nice stuff with the boys? Your the one nagging them to go to school ,tidy their rooms ,normal family stuff .then their dad just gets the good times at the weekends.not fair .mum needs good times at the weekends to.

Oh come on people - if you were accused of making homophobic personal comments to someone you shared a house with, it would be the very rare person who could take it calmly and not re-act. And yes even if you were that saintly I think it would cause something of an atmosphere to say the least. Doesn't mean the man has 'anger issues' - means he's human

Being with someone with now teenage DS is probably not easy but you are a family unit. I think it is really outrageous to suggest that you only have your children 2 days per week and shows a pretty self-centred attitude. It’s all too easy to portray your ex as controlling but he actually has a good track record in stepping up to be a father and providing for them both financially and emotionally. It’s also all too tempting to dismiss your DS’s issue as not being happy about you being in a relationship in general. I think it is more specifically about being with this particular man. And you really should believe that your new partner is verbally abusing your DS. He wants to push your DS out. Leaving your current house and your DS’ home could make you all more vulnerable and very much change the balance of power. If you had really changed the days, then soon your DP might make them feel unwelcome and uncomfortable on the weekends too, worse if it is in a new place. I am actually quite glad that your DP is not around just now, so that you can reflect and look at your DP’s behaviour with a bit more detachment. As a parent, I too would be outraged if I found out the new partner of my ex is bullying and picking on my DC. Don’t dismiss this pretty natural reaction as your ex merely trying to exert control. As for speaking to your DP regarding your son’s distress, this isn’t about the interaction between the two men or about DP’s issues with your ex but entirely about your DP quite likely bullying and trying to push out your DS. There is something quite archaic about a grown man trying to get rid of his partner’s adolescent sons.

I'm worried about talking to DP as he really doesn't like ex and will likely blow up, which will ruin everyone's summer break.

Partner has to go.

He suggested last year that we have the boys at the weekend and ex has them during the week, because everyone was mopey and he needed time to de-stress from work.

Partner has to go.

I think it's fairly obvious by this point that he likely - on the balance of his behaviour - has made the homophobic comments.

This is why your sons want to leave and why your otherwise reasonable ex is (understandably) angry.

You have a choice to make, OP. Kids or arsehole? It's not a tough choice, really, and you cant have both. Consider the Freedom Programme to help you make better choices in future.

You are putting your partner, who sounds like an arsehole btw, ahead of your own children. How sad.

I don’t get how you think you are being punished for one mistake when you were 17
You have two wonderful boys
A house bought
A supportive dad for the boys
You have been incredibly lucky 🍀

I'm amazed your ex has had seven children before the age of 28.

Six.

Oh come on people - if you were accused of making homophobic personal comments to someone you shared a house with, it would be the very rare person who could take it calmly and not re-act. And yes even if you were that saintly I think it would cause something of an atmosphere to say the least. Doesn't mean the man has 'anger issues' - means he's human
Perhaps but this isn't a man out of nowhere being accused of homophobic comments.
It's a man who:

1. Dislikes his partner's ex who has provided for his children well and hasnan amicable coparent relationship with the children's mum
2. Wants his partner to stop having her children during the week, reduce her contact with her children because he has decided that he needs to have some peace on an evening and he doesn't want the kids there
3. Has suggested that his partner uproots their children from their stable home provided by their dad because he's decided he wants a different property
4. The children don't like him (and who can blame them given he seems fairly open about his dislike or indifference to them and doesn't want to deal with them)
5. The OP Is worried how he'll react, probably because they've already disagreed multiple times regarding him and the children

He may well have been trying to manipulate a situation whereby the children choose to go to their dad's so he can get his own way of not having to deal with them, and with no children living mainly at the house he can push his partner into moving house.

Sorry, yes, six children before he's 28.

I'm not sure the boys like him

You’re not sure? Seriously, not sure?

My DC are my everything

Errr, that’s not the way it’s coming across!

Did you move this man in knowing your kids didn't like him?

@Hopoindown31 have you read the op’s update? She says her dp has basically asked her to get rid of her kids to suit him, and she said scared of him blowing up and ruining the rest of the summer holidays.

I'd say that interpreting a partner suggesting that the ex takes on the midweek duties for a while and not having the kids every weekend as "trying to get rid of them" as the typical prejudicial attitude against step-parents I have come to expect from MN. We need more info than that to be so condemnatory.

And yes I might "blow up" if my partner's ex was shit stirring like this.

My interpretation is that ex feels threatened by dp as he still sees OP as part of his territory (or at least the house) and the kids are picking up on this and so is the DP. The kids are acting out as a result and DP clearly is not going to like someone who is hostile to him. OP is stuck in the middle because she probably hasn't set proper boundaries and arrangements with the ex. I've seen this loads of times both in real life and on MN. If course I could be wrong but it is as equally likely as the "Evil Step-parent" story based on what the OP has actually written.

When I said I resent my situation, of course I love my children and they are my everything, but it's so hard when everyone around you is getting into relationships and marriage, and you are not . In regards to the house, I am on the deeds and ex is not involved.

For those who were wondering, ex got married to his partner at 21, and they have four daughters, who are 6, 4 and 1 (more twins). I don't think they'll have any more children.

DP definitely hates that ex paid for this house, and a lot of our fights are about this. DP contributes to the food bill, but he saves up most of his money to buy us a house. I try to contribute to the savings, but I need to pay for stuff so I don't have much left at the end of the month. I feel like crying. This is all my fault and I don't know how to get out of the situation. I don't even know anymore whether the boys always hated DP, or whether it started after he moved in. I've always just assumed they never liked him. Both my sons are quite stroppy at the moment and one has asked for a lock on his door. I've texted them to ask how the holiday is going, and I might call them a bit later this evening. I haven't mentioned any of this to them, but I'm worried they'll be able to tell something is wrong.

How long have you been with DP? How long ago did he move in?

Have you had any other long term relationships that your DCs know about?

How did your DP react when your DS told you about feeling uncertain about his sexuality?

If you lived alone with 2 boys till they are aged 13 then you introduce another man into your life, there is going to be trouble.
Your Ex was always the only Male Adult, and the only Dad around the place. He provided a home for your sons.
Your DP does sound controlling. He wants you out of this house because he cannot stand that another man has 'control' over you. He's trying to arrange things to suit HIMSELF first and nobody else.
You don't want to move house.
Your kids don't want to move house.
Your kids are happy with the access arrangements.
You are happy with the access arrangements.
You don't want to take a stand and be honest with him.
What do you want for your life?

I don't even know anymore whether the boys always hated DP, or whether it started after he moved in. I've always just assumed they never liked him

Why did you move in a man who your kids dislike? You should have at least tried to get the bottom of the issues first rather than just accepting they didn't like him and moving him anyway. Tbh it sounds like your sons might vote with their feet soon and move in with their Dad anyway.

Going by your updates I’m getting the sense that there were red flags all over the place but because you so wanted to be in a relationship you didn’t see them.

As for your ‘D’P starting fights because your ex bought you and your children a house. WTF. Of course it’s normal to feel a tiny bit threatened/jealous about an ex having been able to do that. But any person worth staying with would accept it, be pleased your ex treats you and the boys right, and work with it. Not make it into a reoccurring issue.

But for now just focus on making sure the kids have a great holiday with their dad. This isn’t about you right now. Then when they come home you can work on rebuilding your relationship with them. As for your DP, I would put that on pause for the time being.

I think it is a very comfortable life he is leading at the moment, he contributes to the food bill and saves everything to buy a house. You pay for the rest, contribute when you can to the savings and are left with almost no money.

Honestly, please run. That also shows like financial abuse, he can do whatever he wishes with those savings with or without your knowledge, you are providing for him and contributing to those savings with no guarantees? Run OP. Your children can see what you can’t.

They are not jealous, your ex is not un reasonable. You are with the wrong person.