Ex wants me to leave DP

[Boysbeforeflowers]

New to this, and this might be long, sorry.

When I was 17, I had a short fling with a 15 year old boy that resulted in me getting pregnant with twin boys. I was young and stupid (I know) and did lots of dumb stuff, but when I told the father a year after their birth, he wanted to be their dad and asked to be part of their lives. Ex loves the boys, who are now 13. Ex came into a sizeable inheritance when he was 18, and he used part of it to buy the twins and me a house. He is now married and has 4 DC with his wife. I have the boys Monday evening until Friday morning, and during half of the holidays.

Two years ago I met my DP. He moved in to my house a while ago, but he's recently mentioned he'd like me to move out and buy a house with him. This is a bit of a point of contention, but I digress. I love DP, but I'm not sure the boys like him, and I feel that they have been manipulating their father into getting me to try break things off with me.

Last time we spoke ex said DP sounded 'controlling' and wondered whether the relationship was a good one. He got quite annoyed when he found out DP wanted me to move, and we've had a few arguments about this. According to him it's all about the kids, but I feel like he's trying to tell me what to do and it's making me resent him!

Last night it all came to a head and I'm so angry and upset Twins are on holiday with their father atm and he called yesterday, screaming down the telephone that I need to leave my 'excuse of a man DP' as he's fucking with my kids heads. One of my twins has told us recently that he thinks he might be gay, and he's told his father that DP has been calling him derogatory names when I'm not around. Now apparently I am to be a horrible mother if I don't leave him. We had a blazing row over the phone, and eventually I just hung up on him and cried. DP is visiting family so isn't home, and I don't know whether to believe what my son has said. He's nearly 14 and hasn't been keen on me having a partner from the start, so part of me is worried that he's trying to drive a wedge between everyone. I just don't know what I should be doing. I want to call DP, but I'm just not in a good place right now, and I feel there's nobody on my side. My DC are my everything, but I feel so alone right now and I'm wishing I'd never gotten pregnant, as my life has been so bloody complicated since then. And now I just feel awful sad I know DP is about to propose as well, so there's all these things and they're overwhelming me and I don't know what I should be doing. I feel like my ex has it all figured out and I am just eternally being punished for being young and stupid that one time.

Sorry if that was long, it's hard to explain my situation and I'm finding things difficult to process atm.

I think you need to speak to your sons op can I ask who's name is the house you live in?

You aren’t at fault here op. But I do think you’ve put being in a relationship at far too high of an importance. You are not less of a person because you are single.

But now you really have to put your boys first. They deserve a home they feel safe and welcome in, and from your updates it doesn’t sound like they have that. It’s THEIR home, not your dps. I really do think he needs to move out at the very least.

@Redred2429 the house is in my name

Sorry, OP, but your partner does not sound very nice. He wants your kids out of the way so he can relax of an evening. He fights with you because your ex bought you a house years before he was one the scene, a house ex has no claim on. Nor does he, which I think is the issue. He is putting terrible pressure on you to buy a house with him, that you actually don't need. Your kids don't like him. You are frightened he will spoil the whole summer holidays because of a comment that one of your children made. He's controlling and I guarantee that things will only get worse. I get that it is hard to watch other people pair off while you are raising twin boys all alone. But don't settle for this man - he's not a good one. I am sorry.

It's hard to watch others have relationships? So you moved in with a man your dc don't like, who actively asks to oust them from their home , who you are sure will "blow up" if you query his behaviour? I'm sorry but that's not acting in the children's best interest.
He's obviously not a nice man if he will ruin summer over some queries, he's obviously not a nice man to suggest getting rid of your kids 80% of the time so he can de stress, he's obviously not a nice man if he cocklodges and doesn't pay his way in the house, if he has such jealousy issues over your dc father - who seems to have behaved nothing but exemplary since the dc were born! Etc etc.
Get rid of your do. And then work with your son ( who's already struggling with his sexuality) to help his insecurities and reassure him that you are there for him and this is his home first and foremost .

Why doesn’t DP pay half of the bills?

Your DP lives in your house; he contributes to the food bill, but he saves up most of his money to buy us a house.
So he lives in your house rent free, council tax free, utility bills free...And I'd lay odds that when he buys that house, it'll be in his name not yours.
He hates the fact that ex paid for your house - this is absolutely none of his business. The house is yours.
Enough red flags right there.
Now add to that the fact that your children don't like him, the fact that you are worried about talking to DP as he really doesn't like ex and will likely blow up, which will ruin everyone's summer break
Maybe you should be re-evaluating your relationship with your "D"P and start by having a long talk with your sons.

You don't earn enough, even with no mortgage to pay, to be able to save for another house. If he was paying you a fair rent you would have though.
Are you both able to get a mortgage on your joint earnings/savings alone or is he expecting you to sell the house? Why would he feel better using the money your ex provided for a home for you & your children if he's so unhappy with living in it now?
What percentage of a new house does he expect you to each own? Has he any objection to it being held as tenants in common, especially if yours is a much greater percentage, and you passing that to your children, not him, in the event of your death?
If your children really are "everything" to you have an honest conversation with them. Ask them if they really do dislike him & hate having him in their lives. Then ask yourself why you keep this man in their lives when you believe that they've never liked him.
There's nothing wrong with wanting someone in your life, but everything wrong with this one. Concentrate on securing your children's happiness & future financial safety then look to your own future with clearer eyes & a wiser head.

He doesn't pay half the bills because he doesn't use half the utilities. I've asked him to contribute a bit more, but he doesn't think that is fair as he is only one, and there are 3 of us.

OP you need to tell your DP to move out and end the relationship with him. Other posters have pointed out clear red flags.

Stop settling for shit.

Believe it or not due to your age, and the fact that your sons will soon be adults you will be able to find a much better partner. One who will be glad to deal with older teenagers/adults, pays his way and respects you in other ways.

I had this with my son at 14, which started manifesting itself in anti social behaviour, experimenting with drugs, truancy not interacting at home - I had to choose - I chose my son and I ended the relationship and we moved out, our relation and his behaviour improved overnight. You say they are moody at the moment - my son was at first. Better to choose now than later on when youve left the security is a paid for house in your own name and are on a joint mortgage with your partner.

Wait a few years m until your boys are older until you have a serious relationship - you can still have a relationship just don’t let them move in. Your boys only have one chance at a childhood, don’t make their memories be you putting this cock lodger in front of them.

He doesn't pay half the bills because he doesn't use half the utilities. I've asked him to contribute a bit more, but he doesn't think that is fair as he is only one, and there are 3 of us.

What the actual fuck?! And you are seriously considering buying a place with him?

I've asked him to contribute a bit more, but he doesn't think that is fair as he is only one, and there are 3 of us.

Of course he doesn't.

He also thinks that your sons should move out of their own home.

His fragile ego can't cope with your ex being a proper man and supporting his family.

He is not saving up for a new house OP, he's a cocklodger and he's making himself a tidy little nest egg off the back of getting his feet under the table at your house and pushing your sons out.

No, there are 2 of you. Non earning dependants don't count. Why are you putting up with this shit? Even without the accusations of homophobic slurs against your son (to be honest you are painting a man for whom the shoe fits) he sounds awful!

And he's a cocklodger to boot, what a surprise. Seriously get rid, all your woes stem from this selfish man.

Dear OP, I'm really sorry but your current partner doesn't sound very nice at all, and I think you should think very, very carefully about continuing this relationship. I know we are all outsiders, but everything you say adds up to what sounds like a very unpleasant situation. He gets a nice cushy life living at yours, able to save up, trying to offload your sons, potentially being verbally abusive to one of them, you are frightened he will blow up and spoil the summer break - no where have you said anything positive or nice about him. He sounds selfish, cheap and actually a bit nasty. You are still very young, there is so much time for you to find a partner who will love and cherish you and your boys. Please don't settle for this miserable git.

He needs to move out.

If your relationship is salvageable then you need to reset it.

But it doesn't sound that way. He contributes significantly less than his share of the household costs and my guess is that the savings account that you are contributing to is entirely in his name? Not even a shared account?

He may or may not have been directly horrible to your son, but you don't seem to think it unlikely.

Your sons are hormonal and likely will hate every man you bring home, at least at first. But when there are other red flags (there are many) it's time to listen.

I would also consider changing up the arrangements with your boys so you get more leisure time with them, weekend time is helpful for building relationships and it's the next few years that you have to do that.

But first, claim back your share of the savings and have DP leave.

Your title is wrong, it should read, 'Ex and most of Mumsnet want me to leave my partner'

Can you not put yourself in your kids position?

He's already probably feeling vulnerable as he's questioning his sexuality. You have an ex who stepped up as a teenager and provided a home for his children, and a 'man' who is using you at the detriment of your kids. Fuck that for a joke.

When I said I resent my situation, of course I love my children and they are my everything, but it's so hard when everyone around you is getting into relationships and marriage, and you are not 

Seriously? I mean - seriously?

I'm speechless.

I disagree with a few other points people have made, but your dp sounds like a twat. Doesn’t want to pay for accommodation, won’t pay much for bills because you have children. What the hell business is it of his who bought your house? A nice guy would be happy his partner had a house while a single parent with twins. Would be rather you lived in a studio flat and went without food to pay the rent? I definitely don’t think this is a guy who should be cohabiting in a relationship with children that aren’t his.

The bit I don’t get is wanting them on the weekends. How is that bad? Dont you get 10x as much time with 13 yos on the weekend as weekdays? When mums post here usually saying their ex wants all the weekends everyone says absolutely don’t give away every weekend that’s the quality time with dc.

What does your partner say about people in same sex relationships generally? Because I can't imagine a world in which DH would use a slur against a gay child. I'd assume a head injury or dementia if he said something like that, before I'd think he actually meant it. But you seem to think he could have said it, which makes me think maybe he has some unsavoury views.

What isn't "fair" is him living rent free in your house & expecting to be made cock of the walk. Throw him out. He is & always will be abusive, angry & manipulative. Your life with him, especially if your DC ask to live with their father instead or when they turn 16-18 & he tells them to move out, will be a nightmare that few will have much sympathy for.
You're only what, 31? You've a long, long time ahead to find a loving relationship. Think of how you'll feel in say 10 years, at 41, when you finally have had enough of this man?
He isn't the one for you & he definitely isn't the one for your sons.

What they said ^^

Your DP sounds like a cocklodger who doesn't see you as a unit or a family and wants your sons out of the way.

You are not defined by being in a relationship.

He doesn't pay half the bills because he doesn't use half the utilities. I've asked him to contribute a bit more, but he doesn't think that is fair as he is only one, and there are 3 of us.
Of course he doesn't.

But I bet he's happy to take you paying into his savings (though I hope it's YOUR savings you're paying to not his house fund). And I bet he's happy for the equity from your house to go into your joint house. And I bet once you're in the new house he'd expect you to pay 3/4 of the bills but for only 50% share of the house.

I think your children can see what you can't and your ex is looking out for you. Why else would a new partner who wants the kids out the way and conveniently hates their dad be so keen on getting dad and children in one house and then access to mum's assets?

When I told him about my son, DP just said he was still young and couldn't know that for sure yet. We haven't really discussed same sex relationships before then, so I don't know. I'm feeling like a stupid cow atm. Supposed to go meet a friend, but I'm not really feeling it.