Ex wants me to leave DP

[Boysbeforeflowers]

New to this, and this might be long, sorry.

When I was 17, I had a short fling with a 15 year old boy that resulted in me getting pregnant with twin boys. I was young and stupid (I know) and did lots of dumb stuff, but when I told the father a year after their birth, he wanted to be their dad and asked to be part of their lives. Ex loves the boys, who are now 13. Ex came into a sizeable inheritance when he was 18, and he used part of it to buy the twins and me a house. He is now married and has 4 DC with his wife. I have the boys Monday evening until Friday morning, and during half of the holidays.

Two years ago I met my DP. He moved in to my house a while ago, but he's recently mentioned he'd like me to move out and buy a house with him. This is a bit of a point of contention, but I digress. I love DP, but I'm not sure the boys like him, and I feel that they have been manipulating their father into getting me to try break things off with me.

Last time we spoke ex said DP sounded 'controlling' and wondered whether the relationship was a good one. He got quite annoyed when he found out DP wanted me to move, and we've had a few arguments about this. According to him it's all about the kids, but I feel like he's trying to tell me what to do and it's making me resent him!

Last night it all came to a head and I'm so angry and upset Twins are on holiday with their father atm and he called yesterday, screaming down the telephone that I need to leave my 'excuse of a man DP' as he's fucking with my kids heads. One of my twins has told us recently that he thinks he might be gay, and he's told his father that DP has been calling him derogatory names when I'm not around. Now apparently I am to be a horrible mother if I don't leave him. We had a blazing row over the phone, and eventually I just hung up on him and cried. DP is visiting family so isn't home, and I don't know whether to believe what my son has said. He's nearly 14 and hasn't been keen on me having a partner from the start, so part of me is worried that he's trying to drive a wedge between everyone. I just don't know what I should be doing. I want to call DP, but I'm just not in a good place right now, and I feel there's nobody on my side. My DC are my everything, but I feel so alone right now and I'm wishing I'd never gotten pregnant, as my life has been so bloody complicated since then. And now I just feel awful sad I know DP is about to propose as well, so there's all these things and they're overwhelming me and I don't know what I should be doing. I feel like my ex has it all figured out and I am just eternally being punished for being young and stupid that one time.

Sorry if that was long, it's hard to explain my situation and I'm finding things difficult to process atm.

You're not young in terms of doing what is right for your children. You are young enough to find a man who loves you and who is not abusive, to either your sons or you.

You were ripe for the pickings for a user because you've been alone a long time and have no support. I don't blame you for this.

Think about the fact you're on eggshells about talking to him. That's not a good sign.

Please go out with your friend, and enjoy yourself.

@NoCauseRebel, she was 17. Hardly "exploitation".

OP, leave before you even get afraid to end it. The more you stay with him, the more you normalise the abusive behaviour and the more difficult you will find it to extricate yourself from this nightmare.

Concentrate in the positive, you are young, you own a house, your kids are healthy and have a good dad in their life. You are in a good position to make the best of your life, not with this man though, he is too selfish and self centred to be a good partner.

Winterlife But they're correct that if the ages of boy/girl were reversed the now man would have had a strip tore off him for sleeping with a 15year old when he was 17.

I would not have torn a strip off a 17 year old BOY for sleeping with a 15 year old girl. It's an insignificant age difference.

MN is v judgmental and always comes to a firm conclusion on very limited evidence.

Neither your partner nor your ex should be screaming at you. You need to make decisions regarding your life in your children’s and also your own best interests.

Do your children resent your partner because he isn’t nice to them or just because he is in your life? if you tell your partner your children are non negotiable, what does he say?

Ultimately, what do you feel about your partner? Could he and the children settle in time into a working relationship or is he toxic to them? If the latter, he really has to go. If the former, the kids won’t be around forever and you have the right to be happy.

Don’t listen to what internet posters say based on your few short posts. Listen to your real friends and family who know all the participants for real.

Don't beat yourself up. Sometimes it takes things like this to make us question our lives. We all end up in situations and wonder how we got there.
I would take a little time to ruminate over all this and have a frank chat with your sons.
Doing this should give you some clarity about what you want and need to do.
As you do this remember that as previous posters have said, you're in an excellent position to make your life something you really want it to be.

OP you need to talk to your son. And if it turns out that your DP has been name calling then you need to end the relationship

No!

You don't get to abdicate responsibility because you're "young" I have family and friends who were also young teen parents and they prioritise/prioritised their DC just fine.

They also in most cases (those that didn't it was a conscious choice to remain single) managed to meet and choose decent, caring, unselfish people who, depending on a variety of circumstances, did or didn't move in while the children were still children and living at home - but the MAIN factor in whether or not the new partner moved in while the children were still at home was whether it was right for and wanted by the children too.

Where they were no longer with the biological parent anyway, a few have built good lives with their original partner they had the child with too.

If people at the age of 15-18 can make the right choices and not inflict unsuitable step parents on their DC you've no excuse.

Stop blaming everything else. Accept you made a mistake by having your partner move in and correct that mistake. It REALLY isn't hard.

Especially as he has 0 claim on the property. You just tell him it's not working out and he needs to leave.

HE is a grown ass adult too - with savings - he can find somewhere else to stay even if it means staying in a travelodge for a bit.

Winterlife
You may not. I wouldn't. The PP was pointing out that on here the 17 year old boy would have been ripped apart.

larrygrylls
The only thing we don't know is if the homophobic comments were made.

The rest is the OP telling us how she feels in the relationship, how finances are split, that her DP wants to send the kids elsewhere so he can have peace, how he wants to uproot the kids around him, how he doesn't like the Children's father.

This isn't MN putting 2 and 2 together and getting 81. It's a fairly strong consensus that based on the OP's information on her own relationship this isn't happy or healthy

This is harrowing. Change the locks -tell him the relationship doesn't work for you anymore and hasn't for a long time. Pack his stuff up and tell him to come and get it at x time -and put your children first.

Honestly? I'd leave your do and side with your children.
At the very least your do should have tried harder to build some rapport with your children, doesn't really sound as though he has. That says a lot about him imo

17 year old boy and 15 year old girl?
Who gives a shit. Same with sexes reversed.

Let's focus on the actual abuser in the here and now rather than attempting to cynically reframe the OP as some sort of sexual predator bullshit 14 fucking years ago. 🤨

OP, I feel a bit sorry for you now with the bashing you are getting. You are being unflatteringly honest about your feelings. I actually understand about wanting to be part of a loving partnership and have the same kind of support as your ex has. If many of us were more honest, we probably would feel the same if we were surrounded by couples and had kids young and raised them without much family support. That doesn’t mean that you don’t love your DC and do not appreciate what your ex has done for them. And I also understand the devastating realisation that this man is toxic for your DC and you. You are not a failure if you take this on board though and make some positive changes. This isn’t just about your DC but you too, there are a number of red flags in your DP’s behaviour towards you. You are walking on egg shells around him. This will get a lot worse if you move into a property where he holds a real stake. You are doomed to lose your financial independence and security. Your DP moved in far too quickly and is trying to rush his agenda. This early on in a relationship, you should still focus on more of a courtship and getting to know each other, not get pushed into hasty financial ties! Step back and take the opportunity while this man is away to really make some time for yourself. Go out when your kids are with your ex, socialise and strengthen your social network. Don’t pin your hopes and longing for your own domestic bliss on someone that causes so much stress and unhappiness for your DC. And yourself.

The more you say about your DP the worse he sounds.
If what your boy is saying is true then be thankful he felt he could be honest with his dad. It was his way of asking you for help when he didn't know how to do it directly.
I think you probably need a good heart to heart with both your boys before making any more decisions.

Your son is not too young to know he is gay. I knew I was bi before I was 14 and had a girlfriend at his age. But your DP's response would have made me query his own views on homosexuality if I am honest.

All 14 year olds are stroppy and money, but you need to actually sit your sons down and talk to them about all of this and listen to what they say. If you don't, you may well lose them forever. They will decide you have made your choice.

A lot of what you have said about your DP is concerning honestly. One way or the other it sounds like he doesn't accept your children and that would be a deal breaker for me.

On the other hand, your ex bought you a house and gave you the deeds to it and sounds like a good dad. He is obviously worried about his children and maybe about you too. I can also see why he would be pretty cross if you are planning on selling the house he bought you for your children's security to buy with a man who treats them badly.

It can be difficult to be the single one when the world seems to be coupled up, but trust me, being in a happy relationship is more important than just being in one. It is hard having no support, but it doesn't sound like you are getting much right now. He isn't paying towards the family, he keeps trying to get rid of your kids and is bullying one of them by the sound of it.

If you are determined to stay with him then get him to move out so your sons still have a safe space. Wait to buy the house, there is no rush.

If you do decide to stay with him, put down a small down payment on your common home, take out a mortgage, and put the proceeds of your home into a trust for your sons.

I sincerely hope this isn’t true.

So he doesnt like the fact that your ex supports you and your kids, but he doesnt want to either, because that's unfair???

he saves up most of his money to buy us a house.

No he isn't - he's sponging on you and saving up for himself to have a house. Which might be with you if you're still together. Right now, he should be paying his way, so YOU can save too.

I hate to save it Op, but there are a lot of red flags about your DP.

You were young,you have grown up and sound like a goodum to me.And your children are Alos lucky to have a good dad.
Now,you need to tell message your ex and fp to say you are turning your phone off tonight.You need to think and then get as good a night's sleep as you can.
I think you know you have to back your son's.And telling DP to move out will be tough but needs to be done,but tomorrow.
I wish we could make this easier for you but the positive side is that you are young and there will be someone out there for you that is right.

There’s no need to get into child molesting bollocks but can see that some of the more militant people might have ripped the theoretical 17 young man (boy?) a new one. They were both young teens so I’d leave it at personally.

I do / did think the boy and now man showed so much maturity however. Of course it’s easier if you inherit a shed load of cash but still commend it only if sadly it’s not very common. It doesn’t just seem he’s chucked money either but played a real parenting part and continues to do so.

It’s not unexpected a new DP wouldn’t be entirely cool with the set up but this bloke seems like a complete chopper. He might want to get on the property ladder himself which is understandable but pays zero rent and not even half of the utility bills (maybe out of bitterness).

You need to get rid but don’t take my advice and others as personal criticism. Some might have went to far but it’s more important for you realise this guy is a dick. You’re only 31 and own a house outright with no mortgage. That’s a good spot to be in! You deserve a relationship but make sure you don’t pick an idiot.

You're not a fuck up OP. It's a lot to come to terms with & I think the scales are falling from your eyes pretty quickly now.

You're ex won't think badly of you if you ask for his help/support telling the guy to leave, I think on the contrary he'd respect you for stepping up. If both of you - the boys parents - are there laying it on the line for him it gives him no option.
Be strong in your resolve. You can mend damage done if you be there for your sons now.

When I got together with my DH, eldest Dd was 9. I'd not dated anyone since my divorce when she was 3.

Her view was that I should wait til she'd left home before having another partner - so for at least 15 years. I think the majority on MN would agree with her.

I said I could not go out with DP but I wasn't going to remain single any longer. And that I couldn't guarantee that any future boyfriend would be as nice or like kids as much.

Honestly DD1 could fight with the wall. So they do fight a lot. She à seriously stroppy teen and he will pick her up on every bit of rudeness towards me. It's boring as fuck but il will pass.

I don't need another person to be added to the list of people who think I'm a fuck up

You need to get a grip op. I know it’s hard when you’re not happy with the way your life’s going but you have two boys who need you right now. They are what’s most important. Don’t feel sorry for the things you don’t have. You could damage your relationship with your dc forever. They’ve already asked their dad if they can live with him. That’s huge and not something they would have done lightly.

Your dp needs to go. You need time just you and your boys to reconnect and be a family.