Ex wants me to leave DP

[Boysbeforeflowers]

New to this, and this might be long, sorry.

When I was 17, I had a short fling with a 15 year old boy that resulted in me getting pregnant with twin boys. I was young and stupid (I know) and did lots of dumb stuff, but when I told the father a year after their birth, he wanted to be their dad and asked to be part of their lives. Ex loves the boys, who are now 13. Ex came into a sizeable inheritance when he was 18, and he used part of it to buy the twins and me a house. He is now married and has 4 DC with his wife. I have the boys Monday evening until Friday morning, and during half of the holidays.

Two years ago I met my DP. He moved in to my house a while ago, but he's recently mentioned he'd like me to move out and buy a house with him. This is a bit of a point of contention, but I digress. I love DP, but I'm not sure the boys like him, and I feel that they have been manipulating their father into getting me to try break things off with me.

Last time we spoke ex said DP sounded 'controlling' and wondered whether the relationship was a good one. He got quite annoyed when he found out DP wanted me to move, and we've had a few arguments about this. According to him it's all about the kids, but I feel like he's trying to tell me what to do and it's making me resent him!

Last night it all came to a head and I'm so angry and upset Twins are on holiday with their father atm and he called yesterday, screaming down the telephone that I need to leave my 'excuse of a man DP' as he's fucking with my kids heads. One of my twins has told us recently that he thinks he might be gay, and he's told his father that DP has been calling him derogatory names when I'm not around. Now apparently I am to be a horrible mother if I don't leave him. We had a blazing row over the phone, and eventually I just hung up on him and cried. DP is visiting family so isn't home, and I don't know whether to believe what my son has said. He's nearly 14 and hasn't been keen on me having a partner from the start, so part of me is worried that he's trying to drive a wedge between everyone. I just don't know what I should be doing. I want to call DP, but I'm just not in a good place right now, and I feel there's nobody on my side. My DC are my everything, but I feel so alone right now and I'm wishing I'd never gotten pregnant, as my life has been so bloody complicated since then. And now I just feel awful sad I know DP is about to propose as well, so there's all these things and they're overwhelming me and I don't know what I should be doing. I feel like my ex has it all figured out and I am just eternally being punished for being young and stupid that one time.

Sorry if that was long, it's hard to explain my situation and I'm finding things difficult to process atm.

Well, sitting here on a holiday my DP paid half for with my two teenage sons and my DP, who is not their dad, I can vouch for it not being inevitable that teen boys won't accept a man in their home other than their father and that a decent man will regard paying half as his responsibility as an adult. Also, shockingly, teen boys can appreciate that (I was quite surprised, but gratified, at that bit to be fair).

He doesn't pay half the bills because he doesn't use half the utilities. I've asked him to contribute a bit more, but he doesn't think that is fair as he is only one, and there are 3 of us.

Nice of him, proper cocklodger behaviour. He is one of 2 earning adults and is letting you pay for the 4 of you, unless we are talking of his food. Or by that you mean his drinks.

Honestly OP, if he is so tight when he is living rent free in your house, what kind of shit behaviour is he going to display when he owns half of the house your children live in???

Honestly OP, what planet are you in?

I'm a step parent, I contribute half the bills.... Half the holidays, half everything. In fact this month as my DP has been made redundant I have paid the maintenance too. If you are with someone with kids you don't get to pay just for yourself!!! And save, and push them out of their homes. Just no. Don't feel stupid, you haven't realised up til now. But I wouldn't be saying that if you choose to stay regardless. I am a counsellor for children and young people and it is HEARTBREAKING how much I see of teens who know their mum or dad puts their new partner ahead of them :( it utterly destroys them, your parents are the only people in the world that are meant to love them more than anyone else, and you have to show them that.

Please do not move in with him if your kids do not like him REGARDLESS of why... REGARDLESS if ex is meddling. I had several step parents. It is really horrible being made to live with non relative adults you do not like. It is their home too. Date, be happy, but hang on a few more years with cohabitation for your kids. You have a right to be happy but so do they, and the teen years are when they need you most.

Your in a very fortunate situation in the fact your EX at the age of 18 bought you a house in your name!!!! Not many 18 year olds would be that smart to use the money wisely or even GIVE a house away!

Your dp doesn't sound like a good man tbh. Has asked for your sons to live with their dad and possibly calling one of them names.

LTB

Don't worry about what your friends are doing around you. Worry about your sons for now! You are still very young! They will be going to uni or moving out in a few years. Enjoy your time with them now

I think your kids Would be better off with their Dad. I’ve never said this to anyone and it makes me really said to even think it but from what you’ve said...... Sounds like it’s true I’m afraid

The more updates you post, the more I would agree that your ex is right regarding your OP. He is manipulative, abusive and a cocklodger. You got a house. Why should you move and save up for another. Use that money for you and your boys. Can you not see that you are being financially abused and ripped off! Ask your DH to move out and take it slower. If he was a decent guy, he would want to work on your relationship. And then, he can pay his own bills and rent etc. It really is appalling that he begrudges you and your DC a home because that is the underlying root of it all! He probably would not save quite that much...

Your DP sounds like a nasty piece of work. The house may be in your name but sounds very much like it was purchased as a security blanket for your boys. 1/3 yours 2/3 THEIRS.
If this is how DP is towards them now how will he be when they are in “His” house. Are you still going to be expected to pay for 3? How is he going to treat them if you and he have a child together?
The derogatory comments would seal the deal for me.
From what I can see the red flags have been missed for a while now. He needs to go!

When I told him about my son, DP just said he was still young and couldn't know that for sure yet

Who died and made him god? Oh ..,,and that's utter BS. One can know from a very early age.

I'm feeling like a stupid cow atm.

With as much respect as I can muster - yes.... I can imagine that you are feeling that way

I was expecting you had an abusive ex who was still trying to control you and that you weren't being unreasonable.

But actually, I'm with your ex on this one. Your DP sounds like a terrible person to have around your boys.

Bloody hell woman!

Your kids have NEVER taken to dp

He resents that you live in a house paid for by your ex (which is actually none of his business except he is very much BENEFITTING from the fact!)

He resents your DC to the point of trying to manage them out of your life.

He has at least possibly (given what else we know I wouldn't be surprised) been HOMOPHOBICALLY BULLYING one of your DC to the point they no longer feel welcome in their own home and want to live with their dad.

He's not even properly paying his way! You may not have rent/mortgage to pay (which is a huge bonus) BUT there are more costs in living in a family home than food! Where's his contribution to

Council tax (particularly as his moving in will have caused you to lose your single person discount)?

Gas/electric

Water

Insurance

Internet

Any tv/streaming packages he also uses

Wear and tear on furniture, fittings and soft furnishings...

Sounds like a cocklodging, homophobic, child usurping git to me!

I'm so sick of hearing of parents prioritising their love life over their kids. Don't be yet another that does this!

"one has asked for a lock on his door" fucking hell! To be used when?! When he's out? Does he not trust your partner to not snoop or take his things? Or when he's home?! Which would STRONGLY suggest he doesn't feel SAFE in his own home! Is this the same son that may be gay?

I've highlighted in case others missed this one as its a HUGELY concerning issue.

What do you do? You do as pps have said and talk to and LISTEN to your DC.

To be quite honest I think this man needs to leave your home!

"Going by your updates I’m getting the sense that there were red flags all over the place but because you so wanted to be in a relationship you didn’t see them." Yep totally agree!

"He doesn't pay half the bills because he doesn't use half the utilities." But he DOES use them! At the VERY LEAST he should be paying 1/4 as 1 person in a household of 4.

However, a decent, genuinely caring and supportive man would take this view:

"No, there are 2 of you. Non earning dependants don't count"

The good, decent, loving stepparents I know - of both sexes - take this view.

You would be INSANE to sacrifice you AND your children's current secure home to this selfish dicks insecurities.

You're only 30! You have LOADS of time to meet a genuinely decent, caring man to have a relationship even IF you wait until your DC are 18 in 5 years! You'd even still be young enough to have more DC.

Kick this loser to the kerb and raise your standards. You and your family are a catch! Don't be selling yourself short to a selfish, thoughtless bully!

When I told him about my son, DP just said he was still young and couldn't know that for sure yet.

Of course he could. That's just dismissing your son's valid feelings, which is a form of abuse.

I was in a similar situation to you......keep your house for you and your boys.....stop paying into Dos savings account and let DP save up for his own house......I would suggest DP moves out into rented and you both carry on dating.....I married my DP.....he bought into my house it caused huge problems and my daughter moved back to her dad's.....we got divorced...my relationship is damaged beyond repair with my daughter and I regret it every day...

So how would your do react if you said that you could only put in a third of the value of the house into a shared house(the rest into trust for your son's?)
I thought teenage resentment at first but have radically reviewed my opinion as your posts go one.
You should not be living with someone that you are scared to talk to about anything let alone you children's well fare.
Teens are a mass of hormones but it sounds like your son has bottled up his feelings until he spoke to his dad.
It's nice to have a partner to share your life with but not at the expense of your children.
The finances I can't even begin on,make sure your savings are seperate,and any bank accounts.Personally I would make this a celebratory summer and move DP out.

Don't feel like a stupid cow OP.

Relationships can be funny things and sometimes those in them find it hard to see what is right in front of them.

What matters now is your Ex and children have said their bit and the MN give mind have given you a bit of a shake. You can take some time to process it and then make a decision on what to do next.

Jesus fucking Christ!

Right.

Your “d”p shouldn’t be cocklodging in the house that your ex bought for his children.

He shouldn’t be deciding that the 3-4 days out of 7 that the boys’ PARENTS decided on don’t work.

He shouldn’t be making derogatory comments about homosexuality. Especially to a gay boy.

He shouldn’t be resenting living in someone else’s house for free.

He shouldn’t be capable of ruining everyone’s summer by “blowing up” when questioned.

Now:

YOU shouldn’t be calling your dc’s existence in the world a punishment for a pregnancy 13 years ago.

You shouldn’t be allowing this man to take the piss out of you financially or otherwise.

You shouldn’t be watching other people get married and deciding that means you should marry the wanker you dragged in of the street.

You shouldn’t be annoyed at an ex whose son has confided in him.

You shouldn’t be moving men into your children’s home when the children don’t like him (and with good reasons evidently).

You shouldn’t be allowing anyone to treat you in a way that makes you scared to speak up.

The way I see it: if I was your ex, I would be seeking legal advice about having the property put into the boys’ names so your scrounger, loser boyfriend can’t get his grubby paws on the money.

Because I don’t think for a second you’ll put your kids ahead of him.

Please go meet your friend. She knows the people involved better than we do.

Neither of them should be shouting at you but your ex is shouting out of concern for his children who are his priority and your dp is shouting to get his own way for himself only.

DP definitely hates that ex paid for this house, and a lot of our fights are about this.

He just doesn't hate it enough not to live there rent free, while having you pay 3/4 of the utilities!

So when he has saved for a new home, will you be expected to sell your home and put the proceeds into the new home for the both of you? Will that be a 50/50 proposition, or will you be footing most of the purchase price?

I won't even get into his attitude toward your sons.

This is not a man for the long term, OP.

I'm sorry if I've been a disappointment to everyone. Yes I am young, I suspect that this is part of the problem. I have no family support and I've been alone for a very long time. The boys have an amazing father who treats them well, and is a great guy and that sucks for me. I know that sounds selfish, but seeing him be happy and supported by his wife has been emotionally challenging. I wanted that for me and I thought that I'd finally found it, and it's easier to see that there are problems when you are not involved.

DP texted me earlier about how my Saturday was, and I have not yet replied. Frankly I'm distraught. I'm upset that my son is upset, and I'm upset that my relationship isn't what I've been thinking it is. They're teenage boys and they're mopey and exhausting, and I've been trying to navigate that and doing the best I can. DS has never said anything about homophobic slurs to me before, and I can't gauge the situation well as I am not there!

My ex was yelling at me over the phone (he's since apologised) and again I have nobody to turn to. I think you are probably right and I should tell him to leave, but I don't know how and I don't want to be a failure. Ex is texting me now and I want to tell him to piss off because I don't want to have him involved in my mental breakdown. I don't need another person to be added to the list of people who think I'm a fuck up

If you have 13 year olds you’re not that young.

Sorry but you’re not. You’re old enough to do right by your children.

31 isn’t that young.

The only time you’ll be a failure is if you choose this man over your children. Then not only will you be a failure, you’ll have shown your boys once and for all they are second best. I don’t know how any parent can do that.

And why shouldn’t your ex have a supportive wife?

You had sex with a fifteen year old and got pregnant. He was too young to consent to sex and had the post been the other way around you would have been ripped a new one on here.

And yet, having exploited a fifteen year old he stepped up and was a good father to those children and has provided for them while you have brought some fuckwhit into their lives who you place before them.

Grow up.

And this is all about YOU. How you’re being affected, how you feel, how you are a failure, how you are a fuck up.

What about your children?? Honestly you need to get a grip and sort yourself out. Parenting is putting your children first before yourself because YOU chose to bring them into this world.