DH texting female friend again

[Pachonga]

A couple of years ago, DH had a friendship with woman mainly conducted via text. He was never secretive about it and we both have friends of the opposite sex and it’s never been an issue in our 20 year marriage so I didn’t feel unduly alarmed and he always they were just friends and eventually they didn’t talk any more, I don’t know why.

Fast forward a year and they are back talking again. I know because I asked who he was talking to and he told me and he seemed really happy to be back in touch with her. One night when he had gone to bed, I looked at their recent messages and they were all innocuous enough (though they obviously know a LOT about each others lives) but there was one group of messages when they were saying how much they had missed each other in the time they weren’t talking and how they never stopped thinking about each other and I don’t know, this just hurt me immensely. I have always known about this person and am sure nothing has gone on between them other than just being good friends so don’t know if I am overreacting or what. It just feels weird and I wish they hadn’t got in contact again.

Should I speak to DH about it or just let him carry on and hope it fizzles out again?

I would feel really uncomfortable with that too. I would talk to him about it.

Yes i think I would being it up tbh. I'd feel the same as you :(

The thing is, I’ve asked about her before and DH has told me stuff about her. Why would I be asking again unless it is because I have looked at his phone?

I don’t think you have any choice but to either ask him and let on that you are suspiscious or spot check his phone again to see if there’s anything to worry about. Why did they stop talking last year, do you know?

The thing is if he is a big texter and texts his friends male and female a lot, that’s fine. If he only texts her and constantly then I would be a bit unsettled too.

You could always ask why they stopped talking and who started it up again but I've no idea how you would start that convo

I wouldn’t be happy with that. I’ve got a male friend but I’d never talk like that to him

I've had a similar conversation with a male friend today. We'd lost touch and I have really missed him.

I've no intentions of shagging him.

He texts quite a lot to lots of different people, sometimes to do with work, sometimes to friends and texting is his main method of communicating with his wider family. I don’t know if he texts her more than other friends but they do seem to exchange messages frequently.

I just asked how she was (tried to make it sound natural) and he said he hadn’t spoken to her for a few days but he presumed ok.

I would just say I'm sorry, but I'm worried and I looked at your phone. I have done that before and my husband was fine.
You'll get people saying trust is gone as soon as you looked. So what? You've found something which has basically backed up what you thought.
Doesn't need to be a screaming match, just a conversation about how you feel and how would he feel if it was you saying those things to another man.

I just don’t see 2 males friends who have bwen apart for a while getting emotional about missing each other. OP might have more context, every situation is different.

The “never stopped thinking of each other” would piss me off.

I dont want DH to think I don’t trust him. I don’t think there is anything going on, it isn’t that. But she is important to him (he told me that before) and without wishing to sound clingy or jealous, I’m not sure I like that.

Yeh I agree. I don't mean the trust has gone just that's what people may say.

But I don't think so. Just that it's a bit unnerving to read something like that.

I suppose this isn’t about her but about me. I’m dreadfully insecure. I’m pushing 50, horrifically menopausal and have aged badly in comparison to my husband. I’ve only seen photos of this woman but she is very pretty and from stalking browsing her social media, she is funny and intelligent too.

Had a quick look at his phone again last night. There were some messages from yesterday evening talking about mundane stuff and I feel a bit silly making an issue of it but I’m just not happy with it.

Next time he's texting, just say "oh are you texting X? Why did you two stop speaking for so long?"

He might even ask why you're so interested and you can tell him you feel uncomfortable about her and just want some reassurance.

Am really sorry but I suspect something has gone on and the break in communication was them trying to move on. If it was a normal friendship they would not have stopped talking, yet pined for each other. Because they could have continued chatting. I think they stopped because things happened / were looking dangerously like happening. I would talk to DP and say you just feel very uncomfortable with it all and is he ok cutting down on contact with her.

@Fizzysours i was thinking the same. I think the key is they stopped talking.

OP going through an emotional time is ok, if this is making you uncomfortable, DH should understand and put you first. Talk to him in a calm non accusatory way, see what he says

I’d suspect something has gone on too. I’m sorry Op

So how did he meet this woman in the first place, does she live locally, do they ever meet up. What is the backstory about their friendship?

I would suspect as well. However i have a close male friend, we have spates of being in touch and spates of not- just due to life/geography/kids etc and we do say things like its so good to be in touch, missed your chat etc. Nothing more than friendship has ever happened between us but we do have quite a connection as i would a close female friend. I agree with above poster to raise it casually that you noticed theyd not been in touch and now were and see how he responds.

Oh like fuck is this normal and ok. I have plenty of male friends and have never pined for them, told them I had never stopped thinking about them. It completely crosses the line. And there’s no way I’d be putting up with it. He wouldn’t talk like this to his male friends, would he? Of course bloody not.

I think they met through his work and as far as I know, they only met once and started texting afterwards. She doesn’t live anywhere near us so I’m not worried about them meeting up in secret or anything like that but I’m not mad keen on my husband being so close to someone else, even if it is just via text.

I suppose I have to ask him about it otherwise this will drive me mad but I don’t want to come over as a jealous wife (even if I am exactly that). We are both entitled to our friendships.

He's emotionally attached to this woman. I would be wondering why they stopped talking and now are back in touch. He's too invested if they speak so regularly and you need to tell him that. How would he feel if it was reversed?

You are right, you are both entitled to your friendships but I think it is fair to check it is a friendship and has not spilled over into EA.