DH texting female friend again

[Pachonga]

A couple of years ago, DH had a friendship with woman mainly conducted via text. He was never secretive about it and we both have friends of the opposite sex and it’s never been an issue in our 20 year marriage so I didn’t feel unduly alarmed and he always they were just friends and eventually they didn’t talk any more, I don’t know why.

Fast forward a year and they are back talking again. I know because I asked who he was talking to and he told me and he seemed really happy to be back in touch with her. One night when he had gone to bed, I looked at their recent messages and they were all innocuous enough (though they obviously know a LOT about each others lives) but there was one group of messages when they were saying how much they had missed each other in the time they weren’t talking and how they never stopped thinking about each other and I don’t know, this just hurt me immensely. I have always known about this person and am sure nothing has gone on between them other than just being good friends so don’t know if I am overreacting or what. It just feels weird and I wish they hadn’t got in contact again.

Should I speak to DH about it or just let him carry on and hope it fizzles out again?

I would normally be firmly in the “men are allowed to have female friends” camp - I have male friends, my boyfriend has female friends, so did my exh before him (admittedly, he did end up starting an affair with one of them, but he is still with her now - that’s more a case of them being made for each other while he and I had a basically shit relationship - I don’t in any sense regret “allowing” their friendship when we were together.....)

However, this one is odd because it is not a friendship of long-standing (based on them being old childhood friends or something), nor is it a friendship that developed normally and organically through work or a shared hobby, as most genuine friendships do. I too would feel uncomfortable that he only met her once, and then out of that they both developed a maintained this close friendship - does that make sense?

As for the regretting they lost touch thing, again I think that would be fine if she had been his old childhood friend or something - but this just seems too loaded with emotions, given the circumstances....

Not sure what you can do tho, OP, because even tho your misgivings may be understandable, demanding he drop the friendship would still be (there are no two ways about it) a controlling act, and not one I, for one, would tolerate from a partner in any circumstances.

I would, however, speak to him as honestly as you can - explain your insecurities about it - that you are not accusing him of infidelity or trying to control him, but that it does trigger your insecurities and you can’t help that. I have done that before in similar circumstances, and found that discussing it all openly has helped......

I’m not proud of the snooping but it has made me feel a little bit better in that other than the I missed you/ I never stopped thinking about you part, the conversation is so nothing that I wonder why they bother. Then I start wondering why they are even making time for each other at all if it is just to talk about boring shit which then leads me to think it’s not about the boring shit at all, there must be something going on at a deeper level.

I need to speak to him about it, don’t I? I just don’t want to push DH away or stop him from talking about her to me, for him to hide it when he hasn’t so far. That said, I’m not spending the rest of the summer worrying about this.

It may be nothing but I used to be the cool wife.
The men never seem to this with women who look like Hilda Holden.

Hogden.

Hey 😊 I would say you have to tell him that all the texting another women is not acceptable. You don't have to say that you have looked at his phone just that you don't like the constant texting . If he gets defensive then say how would you like it if I constantly text a man from work ? Doubt he would like it . Also Iv been on this situation before and they do get emotionally attached . My ex was doing it and even tho they were texting innocently for around two years one night the conversation changed to more flirty . He then cheated on me with her . I'm
Not saying at all this is the case with you just to be careful xxx

YABU, and you have opened up a whole can of worms because of poor behaviour. He has been honest and opened with you. For those saying that something had gone, you would have seen evidence in the texts if that had been going on.
The fact is he misses his friend, there is nothing more than that. Dont you miss friends you haven't seen for a while. Your insane jealous will do harm to your relationship.
I suggest you be honest about snooping and apologise, then tell him your worries.
No one should tell their partner who they can and cant talk to. Can you imagine how you would feel if he had done the same thing- the cries of abuse and controlling behaviour would have been deafening!

I know I’m being unreasonable in some ways. I know I’ve intruded on his privacy. But I also know it’s unreasonable to talk to someone pretty much all day every day who isn’t your partner, even if you are being open about it. He has a family, a full-time job and outside interests yet still makes what amounts to hours a day for this person who he has met (as far as I know) once. What am I supposed to think here?

It's not that you're "being unreasonable in some ways", OP.

It's worse than that. If you start trying to control who he can or can't be friends with...who he can or can't be in contact with...how often he can be in contact with them...you are not being unreasonable. You are being abusive.

Seriously....google 'what is domestic abuse'. Google 'coercive control'. You are already straying into that territory.

Frankly, by snooping on his phone, you've already crossed that line. And what have you found? Nothing.

He is doing nothing wrong.

This whole thing is about you. Your insecurities. Your need for control.

Stop spying on your husband's phone. Work on yourself. These are your issues.

You've brought the controlling women out of the woodwork on here. There's plenty of them on MN, who will tell you that it is okay to police who your husband can be in contact with. Who will tell you it is okay to spy on his communications to ensure he isn't cheating. Who will tell you it's okay to gaslight him, by describing an innocent friendship as an 'emotional affair' in order to justify your behaviour. Who will tell you that if he cared about you, he would consent to your control, to avoid upsetting you. Mumsnet is riddled with that stuff. It's the same arguments trotted out by abusers throughout history.

But it is no more acceptable for you to do this to him, than it would be for a man to control who his wife is allowed to socialise with. It's wrong.

Own your own shit. These are your insecurities. It is your responsibility to manage them.

I notice a lot of people in this thread are trying to determine what is/isn't "normal", but really, it's your relationship so that's something only you can decide. My husband finds sharing feelings difficult even with close family, if he was texting someone that he missed them then I would definitely find it suspicious because that's not normal for him. I'm much more expressive so it wouldn't be unusual at all for me to text someone, male or female, saying the same. Only you can say for sure if that's a normal thing for your husband to say.

SlightlyMisplacedSingleDad Is talking shite

Op I would have an open and honest conversation with you dh about how you love him and him talking all day to another woman is making you feel uneasy.

Seriously is just good manners to take into consideration others feelings in a relationship. My dh would not like it if I was doing it to him, he would feel insecure and I would too

Also, regardless of the situation with this woman, it does sound like you've got fairly low confidence. I hope you work on your relationship with yourself ❤ I used to be a bit insecure too and I know how doubting yourself and your value can bring you down. It might be worth looking into CBT (cognitive behaviour therapy), that's how I learned to deal with negative thoughts. I'll never be the most confident person in the world but I've learned to catch most of the unfair self criticism about how I'm "not good enough". It's well worth investing the time and effort in your own happiness.

Pachonga, you are not being unreasonable. You have boundaries and your husband is crossing them. You have every right to take action if you believe your husband is developing intimacy with another woman that goes beyond platonic friendship.

Frequent messaging certainly can lead to an inappropriate emotional connection, and the messages do not have to be sexual or flirty. I do wonder if they have met up more that you are aware of.

I had a long term male friend who I did actually find quite needy at times, it usually I think amounts to : has she got a partner? Perhaps your dh was feeling a bit like he was absorbing the emotional side of her being single hence him reducing contact. It doesn't necessarily mean anything more, it didn't in my case anyway.

I would though probably find it a bit odd that they met once and not since yet they now have this seemingly fully developed friendship? How?! That's a bit weird?

I think talking to some woman as often as he talks to her when you’re married is wrong. Perhaps I have reacted to it badly by snooping, I’ll agree on that, but I wanted to see if there was anything I had to fear. As far as I can see there isn’t, but it doesn’t change the fact that he’s talking to her a hell of a lot.

I don’t know how they got so close after meeting once, presumably by texting all day long. If they have met in person more than that first time, and I don’t think they have, it can’t have been very often as she lives a really long way away. I know she is married and a few other things about her via DH but mainly from when i have looked at her social media. I asked DH once if he would date her if they were both single and he said they don’t see each other like that and anyway, she wouldn’t have him as apparently she is married to someone wealthy and brilliant.

I do have low self esteem. DH is still good looking and attractive and I am an almost-fifty year old woman who looks it. Sometimes I don’t know why he is still with me and I think he thinks that too.

I am going to talk about it to him but I really need to work out what I am going to say. I don’t want DH to think I am trying to control him or push him away into an emotional corner but then I can’t go on like this.

You have done nothing wrong op.

I think your spidery sense are working fine.
Something isn't right.

I knew a woman who was texting a mm regularly.

She was married to a handsome man, had 3 kids and lived almost 3000 miles away.

Didn't stop her declaring undying love or hopping on a plan to see him.

This cyber relationship are not as benign as they seem.

His wife was cool about up to that point.

Be ware.

I was and am in the same situation op. My dh met a new female friend and would spend all evening texting and laughing with her due to working shifts we already spent little time together so I asked him to tone it down a bit. What he then did was to hide it from me lie to me suddenly started deleting only their messages because I snooped. We have on and off argued over this friendship for the last 4 years so good luck I hope you have more success in resolving this than we have

"Plane"

@Alfiemoon1
Oh no.

I don't think these women ever grow up.

They lack any sort of empathy.

How would they like it?

It sounds like he is pursuing an ego boost with this woman.

People cheat on partners, it starts somewhere. Your gut is important, trust it.
Humans are tricky creatures, regardless of the people who disapprove of your actions, trust your judgement

Posted too soon.
Pachonga, he feels entitled to pursue this ego boost and it is very wrong. If my husband wants to text another woman all day long, he won’t be doing it while married to me.

You say that the latest messages indicate you have nothing to fear, but I don’t agree. The frequency and the familiarity, plus the ‘never stopped thinking of you,’ can certainly add up to inappropriate emotional closeness and reliance.

Why if it isn't a man to come along and explain to OP why she is abusive (when her husband is having his little ego boosting thrill and rubbing it in OP's face).

OP. I totally understand how you feel. I've had a similar experience with my dh. She was more of a friend in that she was someone he saw once or twice a month in work. I looked at his phone when he left it behind one day and there was only one day of texts from her - they'd exchanged about 10, whereas from other people there were long threads going back months! Most of them were about boring daily life shit and I couldn't understand why they had the need to tell each other this stuff, unless she meant more to him than he was telling me. He stopped texting - had a relapse 6 months afterwards and I genuinely only saw that text because he'd left himself signed in on the family iMac and it popped up...then I looked and discovered there'd been a few texts and it was all don't tell shegoeshere. He did admit it was an ego boost as he thought I didn't like him
Since then nothing. He has shown me when she has sent the odd text. He realises he made an error. However, he's now nicely reassured in our relationship and I feel dreadfully insecure...I used to feel secure!

I think you need to tell him you looked and tell him how it makes you feel. My dh knew it wasn't quite right so he'd deleted the texts at the end of each day.

I think what is really odd about this is that they have met once and he claims they are so important to each other. Add to this the constant messages and it becomes very teenager doesn't it! I have very important friends and I don't text them for hours every day. It seems this friendship is pure escapism, they can pretend to themselves they have found a person just like them but it's a fantasy of you've only met once. It's even more a fantasy if they don't ever ring each other either. Whether this equates to an emotional affair, I don't know.

You are clearly feeling really low OP. You are also putting words into his mouth by saying he probably wonders why he is with you etc. You think he has aged well but there is nothing to say he doesn't think the same of you!

One thing I will say is if you do talk to him, consider his reaction carefully. I once asked my husband to stop texting a girl from work who was using him as her personal emotional crutch. Her messages were becoming more flirtatious. I knew because he didn't hide it. Once I told him i felt it was inappropriate and upsetting, he took it seriously and stopped. We had a grown up conversation about how boundaries that blur can spell disaster. I did check his phone a few weeks later and all of his more recent responses were much more professional, if he replied at all. They are still on good terms at work but the boundary has been put back in.

Your husband doesn't hide his phone, he is open with you. You say yourself that the messages are boring. However this doesn't make it appropriate and he still need to consider your feelings. There is absolutely no reason to text someone everyday for that amount of time

Slightlymisplaced dad--- I don't think you quite get how vulnerable a lot of women are if their partner suddenly buggers off because they have taken a shine to someone else, Young women can be left looking after kids with little money, no housing security and sometimes very little rights, especially if not married. Older women have often given careers a bit of a back seat to keep the home fires burning or travelled around with high flyers or worked with partners etc. Their is a lot at stake for many women financially and domestically and hence if their what seems to be a loyal loving partner is doing stuff that makes them feel uncomfortable then they will be anxious, it isn't controlling, it's bloody self preservation!!! Many of us on here have been really 'cool' partners in the past, until crapped on behind our backs. I appreciate it happens to blokes too, but there are far fewer men who have put themselves in vulnerable places work wise etc