DH texting female friend again

[Pachonga]

A couple of years ago, DH had a friendship with woman mainly conducted via text. He was never secretive about it and we both have friends of the opposite sex and it’s never been an issue in our 20 year marriage so I didn’t feel unduly alarmed and he always they were just friends and eventually they didn’t talk any more, I don’t know why.

Fast forward a year and they are back talking again. I know because I asked who he was talking to and he told me and he seemed really happy to be back in touch with her. One night when he had gone to bed, I looked at their recent messages and they were all innocuous enough (though they obviously know a LOT about each others lives) but there was one group of messages when they were saying how much they had missed each other in the time they weren’t talking and how they never stopped thinking about each other and I don’t know, this just hurt me immensely. I have always known about this person and am sure nothing has gone on between them other than just being good friends so don’t know if I am overreacting or what. It just feels weird and I wish they hadn’t got in contact again.

Should I speak to DH about it or just let him carry on and hope it fizzles out again?

OP
It isn't that we don't understand your position due to you not explaining it.
Sadly, far too many if us have been in similar, and we understand only too well.

The OP of this thread is in no way controlling. Even if this woman is a friend, the friendship this woman and the OP's husband have is invading in their marriage and taking away a lot of time they should have together. There's no way they should be saying they missed each other so much and never stopped thinking of each other 🙄. It seems the OP's husband dips into this woman's life to get attention to give himself an ego boost but when she is taking up too much of his time, he backs off. It's really not healthy for the OP or this woman. The woman should actually know better than to keep a married man distracted all evening and the fact that she can't even realise this, probably means she can't help herself and needs to talk to him. He also can't help himself and craves that ego boost.

I don't think it's an affair or an emotional one but more two people feeding off each other to fill some sort of void. It will go further if someone doesn't intervene. Not all people have affairs because they don't love their partners, some people do it (mostly emotional one's) because something is missing in them and they find someone willing to give them the compliments, time and affection they seem to think they need but actually, they could just get a grip and sort out whatever it is. It's so easy to fall into the emotional affair and the OP is right to be weary that her 20 year marriage could slip off the grid if these two get too close.

I really don't believe in 'what will be will be' when it comes to marriages and things like this. You'll get people that will say but if he loves you, he won't let this become an emotional affair so just sit tight and you'll see. No. Make it known that you're uncomfortable with it and say what you are comfortable with. Burst that stupid bubble. I bet at least half of the emotional affairs people have wouldn't have even started if their partners said hang on, you're talking to this person all day and night while I'm sat next to you? Do you think that's normal? They would probably see it's not, the bubble would be burst and a marriage would be saved! In some cases the person wouldn't listen and carry on but that's a selfish and reckless person.

It's totally ok to tell a partner something is bothering you and they are being inappropriate and pushing the boundaries of the marriage. We all know it's not all daisies and buttercups in a marriage. It's a partnership, a bond. Sometimes you need to tell the other half of your partnership that they are not running this business the way you agreed.

We will all take a liking or have a soft spot for another person even if we're married as we're human and don't shut off our desires as soon as we get married or get a partner but it's all about what is appropriate and respectful to the marriage/relationship. Sometimes the other person cannot see that they are doing something disrespectful and need told.

I read the rest, it's obviously an emotional affair and it's so, so sad that he is doing this to you!

I probably wouldn't be able to stop myself from sending her a message and asking her what the fuck she thinks she's doing and does her husband know? Then in the same breath, tell him to get out and go and see this 'more adorable in person' woman and see if she'll have him for real instead of this stupid fantasy they have going on.

Don't be second best OP. I know you love him but what kind of life is this? You know now, it's on your mind and your self esteem is going to plummet even lower than it is now. Take a stand. Say NO, I am better than this because you are. You maybe need to see a counsellor or therapist to really believe this

I love DH and want to stay married to him no matter what he does

Fixed it for you

This makes for very sad reading. Without being overly harsh, you really need to find some self respect. I'd be a lot more concerned for your DC seeing this as a normal relationship or way to treat people, than how they'll cope with you splitting.

I think the fact you've felt unable to speak to him about this mostly and have tip toed so much, speaks volumes.

The kiss would be bad enough but saying 'even more adorable in real life' would be the end of it. This man doesn't love you in a romantic sense and has no respect for you. You deserve a lot more.