DH texting female friend again

[Pachonga]

A couple of years ago, DH had a friendship with woman mainly conducted via text. He was never secretive about it and we both have friends of the opposite sex and it’s never been an issue in our 20 year marriage so I didn’t feel unduly alarmed and he always they were just friends and eventually they didn’t talk any more, I don’t know why.

Fast forward a year and they are back talking again. I know because I asked who he was talking to and he told me and he seemed really happy to be back in touch with her. One night when he had gone to bed, I looked at their recent messages and they were all innocuous enough (though they obviously know a LOT about each others lives) but there was one group of messages when they were saying how much they had missed each other in the time they weren’t talking and how they never stopped thinking about each other and I don’t know, this just hurt me immensely. I have always known about this person and am sure nothing has gone on between them other than just being good friends so don’t know if I am overreacting or what. It just feels weird and I wish they hadn’t got in contact again.

Should I speak to DH about it or just let him carry on and hope it fizzles out again?

My ex wasn't prepared to prioritise the kids over his career. Had I made that choice too, the kids would have been passed from pillar to post.

And you just accepted that? Presumably the division of labour was discussed before you had children?

Of course I didn't. Why do you think we are divorced?

However the kids came first. Many women make this choice. I'd do it again because they were (and still are) my priority.

People are often very different to the way they appear to be when you first meet them - and no one enters a relationship and has children, assuming it'll end soon. You make plans, you work as a team.

Like I said, condescending and naive.

OP, I think perhaps a sensible/sensitive way of talking about this is to ask how he thinks you would feel if she was physically in your house during the evening, talking with him as much as they do by text.

Ask him to compare that with how much interaction he has with you in a typical evening.

If it's wildly out of balance, ask him if he thinks this is really acceptable or fair to you.

You'd not be accusing him of anything underhand, there's no need to discuss the snooping either.

All you would be doing, is pointing out that you're the person he's committed to, and that the division of his attention and emotional energy should reflect that.

I guess I mean you'd be more leading him to his own conclusion, rather than leading with "this is making me unhappy, because...", to which he's likely to get immediately defensive or dismissive.

@ThinkIveFoundYourMarbles I'm taking the view that he's done nothing wrong based on the fact that the OP has read all of his messages, and found them pretty boring. No flirting. No references to a secret rendezvous. No divulging inappropriate things about their relationships. Just friends, having a chat.

But, apparently, on Mumsnet that means he's broken her trust, and is somehow stealing time and attention that should be the sole property of his wife. Utterly ridiculous.

*@Onemansoapopera *
I am married and have a couple of very close male friends. Do I text them all night when they're with their wives? No, because it's not fucking normal and it's bloody rude ,in a nutshell. And if they were trying to text me all night when I'm with DH I'd think they were trying to crack on to me , because they would be. Lets not sugarcoat.

Brilliant!
When you put it like I don't think there is really much else to.

And if op's dh can't see that or won't he's a tool.

I've got make friends but would t text them all night, every night. It's simply not appropriate

I do agree partly with what single dad is saying the ops dh isn’t hiding anything and it’s just general chit chat but I think if it’s making the op feel uncomfortable she should be able to discuss it. That is where things went wrong in my situation instead of taking my feelings on board I would of been naffed off him spending all his evenings off glued to his phone anyway as shift worker we don’t spend much time together he chose to lie be secretive slag me off to her tell her details of our marriage he even sent her screenshots of our private texts to her and lie to her to shit stir amongst a zillion other things so my view of this situation maybe more cautious than others because of my experience
I hope you can sort this out op good luck

The way I read your messages OP is that anyone else, Male or female, you wouldnt notice.

This is where I think slightly is sort of right. And I say this as one of the most insecure people you will find. It would be controlling and gas lighting type behaviour to suddenly accuse him of wrong doing IF he genuinely hasnt done anything different with this woman than he has any other female friend.

I dont think you are controlling or abusive. Controlling and abusive people do not question the morality of their feelings and impulses the way you have here.

Personally, I wouldnt like it. But it's not the norm in my relationship. My partner and I are probably what slightlymisplacedsingledad would describe as unhealthy. But he and anyone else isnt living our lives.

Whatever is causing these feelings, whether something in him is off, or whether it is a matter of your own insecurities, I think if you dont start communicating you will boil over and itll all come out wrong. You've been together all that time, I've lived with my partner a few months and I can walk in the room and say "I feel shit and insecure because I noticed X" and we talk about it there and then. You can do it just take some time to think about it. Can you get away for a few hours with some music and mull it over? I often get into some songs and think about different scenarios and conversations which helps the intense feelings pass and then think rationally about what I'm going to say.

I dont think you are controlling or abusive. Controlling and abusive people do not question the morality of their feelings and impulses the way you have here

I actually think @littledoll makes a good point here - you are questioning yourself, and that is good.

We all make mistakes. So maybe think of my advice as recognising that you shouldn't have been secretly checking his phone, and encouraging you to tackle this differently, and in a healthier fashion, before you go too far over that line. Which means talking to him in the way I described in my earlier comment.

@SlightlyMisplacedSingleDad a lot of words with not a lot of substance. If you'd spend all night texting a married friend (male or female doesn't matter) when theyre at home with their partner and they you, then both your social boundaries are way off and you shouldn't be in a relationship with who you're with. Being on the phone constantly is just bloody rude and detrimental to ANYONE you're in a room with most people aged like, 14 and above get that.

I have been in your exact situation OP, and I tried to let it go. He ended up embarking on an affair. I would shut this down. It's not on. Stay strong. I didn't, I tried everything that you are doing, feeling bad for snooping. Feeling like I was being controlling. You are in dangerous territory here. If you can't get him to see reason, he will carry on anyway.

I still haven’t said anything. He hasn’t been on his phone much the last couple of days so maybe they have fallen out again (or whatever happened between them). It’s a noticeable difference. He also hasn’t mentioned her at all.

The last thing I want to do is control him or tell him who he can and can’t be friends with but at the same time I don’t think it is fair to me or the kids that he spends so much time on his phone, particularly when a lot of that time is spent talking to one person and even more so when that person is an attractive woman. Because of the distance between them, it’s impossible that they are having any sort if physical affair so I’m not worried about that. I very much regret the snooping and I won’t defend myself on that because I can’t. I know I should have just asked him.

I’m going to leave it for now and see how the weekend pans out. Fingers crossed it has fizzled out again.

@welliesarefuntowear
Exactly.
Seen this a lot.
Men can be a bit dense sometimes.
There only has to be a bit of a row and suddenly the 'ow' is being super sympathetic and the dh is being all misunderstood by dw.
Maybe it's an ego thing but it's not on.

Hope you're ok now @welliesarefuntowear

Just seen your update op.

Sounds good.

Maybe she's pushing for more and dh has realised and backed off.

As for the distance / well there's all sort of ways to solve that problem. Cars ,trains planes.

I actually think an emotional affair is worse than a casual one night stand.

It's not surprising that in most of England and Wales that the notion of selective state schooling is not recognized/considered, given that in all but 10 L.A there is no such thing !

Overall 87% of children in England and Wales are educated at Comprehensive schools/non academic selective schools 5% at Grammar schools and 7% at Private schools. The remaining 1% are educated in other non mainstream environments P.R.U home or by specialist educational schools.

Personally and this will be very unpopular here, i believe about 20% of all children should be educated at state Grammar schools. Thus, when partnered with Private schools would equate to about 27% of children having the benefit of selective education.

sorry wrong thread

@Robin2323 , thanks, I'm just in the fallout of this. It's been hideous. I tortured myself about snoop but it was the only way I could get to the truth. I don't think the op should be made to feel bad for this because she needs to know.

I’m sorry for everyone who has gone through something similar. Please know that sharing your experiences have really helped.

DH is back on his phone again. Glued to it. I don’t know if it’s her but it probably is, isn’t it?

Have you asked him if it's her? It seems strange they've only met once. Did you ask him why they fell out (apologies if I missed this)?

I have one quite old male friend where we relied on each other heavily when single. Now the situation has changed and contact is once a week, any more frequently would be inappropriate. I'm far more of a texter than he is so hold on it :)

You need something to perk you up a bit, it's obvious your confidence is low at present

OP, do not feel guilty for looking at the messages. Your husband has been over-channeling his time, energy and attention into this woman. You knew that was inappropriate, and you had every right to find the truth. If you hadn’t, his declaration that he never stopped thinking of her would still be hidden.

You do not have to tolerate his disrespect and line-crossing.

It’s her. I can just tell by his face and his stupid laughing.

He said they stopped talking because she became ‘clingy’ and I don’t know anything more than that. They didn’t text for months, maybe even a year, and then it started up again. Who instigated it and why, I’m not sure, but they’re both fully invested again it seems.

My confidence is low and this is making it worse. We’ve got a lot going on as a family right now and I can’t believe he is dedicating so much time to what is basically an online friendship.

OP you do know that if it’s unacceptable to you, you can ask him to cut contact with her. It obviously bothers you, if it bothers you, it should bother him enough to put you first and atop taking. After all, I’d shes just an online friend it’s no skin off his nose to stop it

I 100% have to agree with whoknew. I think if it makes you uncomfortable he shouldn't be doing it.
I've never known a man who would be comfortable with that if the shoe was on the other foot.
This is a woman who he's met, while being in a relationship with you, they've exchanged numbers & you don't know her. She's not a mutual friend or a friend he's had before meeting you.
I don't like the idea of him giggling away at his phone while you're ignored.

Can you just say right now...Your relationship with 'other woman' is really making me feel uncomfortable and inconsequential, could you please stop chatting to her and put your phone down for the night