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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH texting female friend again

280 replies

Pachonga · 29/07/2019 19:04

A couple of years ago, DH had a friendship with woman mainly conducted via text. He was never secretive about it and we both have friends of the opposite sex and it’s never been an issue in our 20 year marriage so I didn’t feel unduly alarmed and he always they were just friends and eventually they didn’t talk any more, I don’t know why.

Fast forward a year and they are back talking again. I know because I asked who he was talking to and he told me and he seemed really happy to be back in touch with her. One night when he had gone to bed, I looked at their recent messages and they were all innocuous enough (though they obviously know a LOT about each others lives) but there was one group of messages when they were saying how much they had missed each other in the time they weren’t talking and how they never stopped thinking about each other and I don’t know, this just hurt me immensely. I have always known about this person and am sure nothing has gone on between them other than just being good friends so don’t know if I am overreacting or what. It just feels weird and I wish they hadn’t got in contact again.

Should I speak to DH about it or just let him carry on and hope it fizzles out again?

OP posts:
Original poster
Pachonga · 30/07/2019 14:49

I’m reluctant to ask because...

  1. I don’t want to come across as a harpy

  2. What if it is an emotional affair?

  3. If it came down to a ‘her or me’ scenario, I am not 100% confident he would pick me

OP posts:
Chocolate123 · 30/07/2019 15:02

@Pachonga If I thought my partner was talking to another woman and I wasn't confident he would pick me I wouldn't be his partner for much longer. Surely you can't live like that. You need to ask the questions even if it's not what you want to hear.

newmomof1 · 30/07/2019 15:05

@Pachonga you deserve the truth and you deserve to be the one he picks.
If he doesn't choose you over her, you're better off without him.

Original poster
Pachonga · 30/07/2019 15:22

I don’t mean “pick me or we’re over” but rather if I asked him to stop talking to her, I don’t think he would.

OP posts:
SlightlyMisplacedSingleDad · 30/07/2019 15:25

If I asked him to stop talking to her, I don’t think he would

So, he has healthy boundaries? He's aware that it is not okay for a partner to control who you can and cannot be friends with? He recognises that managing your insecurities is your own responsibility? He knows that, so long as he isn't cheating, he should not have to feel guilty about having friends?

That's good. Everyone should understand those things.

LittleWing80 · 30/07/2019 15:27

If it is an emtional and he is hesitating between you and the emotional affair (whom he only met once), I would say it says a lot about him (not you) but again if it is and you don’t put your foot down, you will be miserable and it’s not fair.

LittleWing80 · 30/07/2019 15:32

@SlightlyMisplacedSingleDad OP is not insecure about him having friendships, she is insecure about a potential emotional affair. Unless you consider allowing yourself to have an emotional affair is not cheating and perfectly acceptable as part of setting your boundaries? 🤔

SlightlyMisplacedSingleDad · 30/07/2019 15:46

@Littlewing80 much depends on where you draw the boundaries between a close friendship and an emotional affair. I do see, all too often on mumsnet, that the 'emotional affair' label is rolled out routinely as justification for controllig women preventing their husbands / partners from having close friendships with women.

The OP has herself said that, other than saying hey had missed one another when they didn't xommunicate (not unreasonable, in my book), the message are perfectly innocent. So that does not support all the accusations of 'emotional affair' that everyone here is jumping to.

LittleWing80 · 30/07/2019 15:55

I didn’t her as accusing though, there are sadly a lot cheating people (note my non gender specific statement) who would be in an emotional affair and would sit their partner down and try to convince them they are paranoid.

We don’t know their full story so we can only explore potenrial scenarios.

Drawing the line is also an individual’s feeling as to where the line should be.

Personally, I don’t think OP’s partner would have said those things to a male close friend. But it’s only my opinion hence why my advice was mainly to talk to him

TheStuffedPenguin · 30/07/2019 20:59

Yet again the cool "people" start to make the OP feel as if there is something wrong with them. I would hate this situation and would be very unhappy too . As someone said next time he is texting say "is that so and so " and ask some questions - where does she live again ? How come you stopped talking etc ? Watch his reactions .

Original poster
Pachonga · 30/07/2019 21:27

He’s been texting her on and off since he got in from work, frequently laughing out loud at whatever she is saying (or at his own wit). I asked who he was talking to and he told me straight off -her and, separately, some other people in a work chat group.

I did ask why they had stopped talking and he said he couldn’t remember, no reason really, then said he thought she might have been getting a bit clingy and dependent on him so he decided to nip it in the bud “before it became a hassle”. I know she lives very far away from us, I already knew that. I don’t want to ask too much in case he starts getting defensive or having his phone with him all the time. He usually leaves it charging downstairs overnight so that’s when I have been looking at it (we both have same passcode) and I want to look later to see what’s so bloody funny.

OP posts:
MsDogLady · 30/07/2019 21:30

Pachonga, you are not overreacting. Your feelings are valid and reasonable.

This woman is “important” to your husband, so their ceasing communication was likely due to a pivotal event. It is troubling that they are declaring that they never stopped thinking about each other.

I would not tolerate this in my marriage. It sounds like they share emotional intimacy that goes beyond mere friendship.

I would tell him that you are uncomfortable with his relationship with this woman and ask him to back off. If he refuses, thereby prioritizing her and disregarding your feelings, you can act accordingly.

Original poster
Pachonga · 30/07/2019 23:43

Their conversation today was full of in-jokes and references to people they mutually know or know of online. Mainly boring shite. It still bothers me though. In fact it’s so tedious I wonder why either of them bother. They’ve been talking on and off pretty much all day Hmm

OP posts:
PuellaPuellaePuellam · 31/07/2019 00:16

Alarm bells here too I'm afraid OP. I have been in the position of your DH. Lots of pointless messages, not I appropriate exactly, but too much and in retrospect dangerous territory. It took a big wake up call from DH (he was v upset) to snap me out of it and stop. The break in communication is suspicious. It's OK to show your DH he is upsetting you. Sorry you have this stress.

WeAreTheFighters · 31/07/2019 00:27

I sometimes have a few random chats with old work colleagues, often of the opposite sex. Sometimes you just click with someone. One recently I love chatting to as he is a good egg, it cheers me up as a lot of other work people are miserable gits. We usually make in jokes and take the piss and have a moan. He left several months ago and I'll never see him again. It's just nice to let off some work related steam sometimes and not unload it all on DP who wouldn't get who all these people are anyway. There is definitely nothing in it. I would give it a few weeks, see if his behaviour changes, or if it fizzles out again. Maybe try to engage with him, get him to explain the joke and replace whatever he is getting out of this chat with your own company instead!

OpheliaTodd · 31/07/2019 00:35

I wouldn’t have this. No way.

One thing stands out - the going from “Oh I can’t remember why we stopped talking really.....” to suddenly remembering that it MIGHT have been because she was getting “clingy”. Bull. Shit. He knows full well why they broke contact. Why is he being evasive?

latexsalesman · 31/07/2019 01:11

I can't imagine a scenario where my husband is talking online to a woman constantly and I don't feel able to bring it up and say it's off. That in itself is odd. If I ever thought my dh would pick someone else over me or refuse to cut contact with someone that made me uncomfortable then our marriage would be over anyway.

MsDogLady · 31/07/2019 05:37

It is ludicrous that he pretended to not recall why he stopped talking to this woman who is so important to him. And if his subsequent statement was true--that he backed off because she might have been emotionally dependent—then why is he telling her now that he never stopped thinking about her.

Their messages tell the truth. They are both emotionally attached and reliant and are taking up where they left off. They’ve been texting all day and he’s been laughing out loud. He is hiding in plain sight and is treating you with great disrespect.

BringMeAGinandTonic · 31/07/2019 05:42

Sorry if I missed it but why have they started talking again exactly? Find this out if you can. It's odd to back off from someone getting clingy and then resume speaking to them. And who initiated contact? Him or her?

BringMeAGinandTonic · 31/07/2019 05:44

Talking/texting, speaking/texting, you know what I mean. :) Curious how it all started back up again. There could be a clue into what's going on (good or bad) in that if you ask. Maybe? Just tossing ideas.

PaterPower · 31/07/2019 06:27

Jesus. The OP has, so far (and with some pretty intensive snooping) found nothing remotely like an EA - at least from her DP’s side.

He may well have felt his friend was getting over-attached and therefore dropped contact for a while. If so, A) he did exactly the right thing and B) it would be perfectly normal not to worry your partner with it.

If one of you were chatted up by a work colleague would you tell your DP if you shut it down straight away? I suggest you wouldn’t because you wouldn’t want any drama over something you handled. You might tell him if the colleague persisted and wasn’t accepting “no” but otherwise...

Or how about if a really good female friend suddenly came on to you? Would you really risk your DP intervening by telling him, or would you just turn her down and try your best to move past it with her?

historysock · 31/07/2019 06:37

I'd find this to be a bit...odd....to say the least OP.... I feel like he's hiding in plain sight a bit with the telling you immediately who he's talking to etc...
I'm not saying anything has or will happen but I would say he is overly invested in this person and I can see why that would make you feel very uncomfortable.

Robin2323 · 31/07/2019 07:06

If you've ever been in op's position you'd shut this down immediately.
They have regular contact.
They are growing closes.....
She has form for being clingy.
Not op the other person.
She needs to get herself a real life (and leave op's dh alone)

BelleSausage · 31/07/2019 07:15

I’d leave it for now. There is a connection between then but it seems to be fairly platonic on his side. I suspect that this will build to a crescendo again and he’ll back off.

He seems to be aware where the line is and has already enforced it once. That’s a good sign.

Why not focus on yourself for a bit? I don’t know about you but the less interested I am in DH the more interested he is in me. He’s like a bloody annoying cat.

TheStuffedPenguin · 31/07/2019 08:40

Observe OP .Be vigilant.

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