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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH texting female friend again

280 replies

Pachonga · 29/07/2019 19:04

A couple of years ago, DH had a friendship with woman mainly conducted via text. He was never secretive about it and we both have friends of the opposite sex and it’s never been an issue in our 20 year marriage so I didn’t feel unduly alarmed and he always they were just friends and eventually they didn’t talk any more, I don’t know why.

Fast forward a year and they are back talking again. I know because I asked who he was talking to and he told me and he seemed really happy to be back in touch with her. One night when he had gone to bed, I looked at their recent messages and they were all innocuous enough (though they obviously know a LOT about each others lives) but there was one group of messages when they were saying how much they had missed each other in the time they weren’t talking and how they never stopped thinking about each other and I don’t know, this just hurt me immensely. I have always known about this person and am sure nothing has gone on between them other than just being good friends so don’t know if I am overreacting or what. It just feels weird and I wish they hadn’t got in contact again.

Should I speak to DH about it or just let him carry on and hope it fizzles out again?

OP posts:
Robin2323 · 03/08/2019 19:13

This is crazy op.
If I did this my husband would throw me and my phone out the door lol.

Seriously 😐

I can remember a very similar thread.

The coupe ended up going to counselling.

The councillor could see exactly what was going on with the dh but was very gentle at first.

This man just wouldn't stop contact with this ow and it was causing the same distress as the op.

Eventually they got to the point after about 18 months when the dw said.

'If I was doing something that was causing you pain and distress and you asked me to stop I would.

I have asked you to stop contacting this person and you have refused constantly what is your end game here ?'

The dh said .,., 'umm ......that I should never contact ow again. '
The dw , finally at the end of her rope, without missing a beat and with no trace of Guilt said:

'That works for me'

I swear you could hear the cheer go up.

You will get there op.
We are all rooting for you x

historysock · 03/08/2019 19:20

It's not on op. And he knows that really. Fuck trying to be 'cool' about it. It's making you feel like shit. That should be enough for him to stop actually.

WhoKnewBeefStew · 03/08/2019 19:34

Can you just say right now...Your relationship with 'other woman' is really making me feel uncomfortable and inconsequential, could you please stop chatting to her and put your phone down for the night

This! I'd go one step further and rather than saying 'the night' I'd be saying please stop talking to her period.

welliesarefuntowear · 03/08/2019 20:24

He has to stop all contact with her. I really feel for you OP. It's a soul crushing situation to be in.

IamtheOA · 04/08/2019 01:09

I asked DH once if he would date her if they were both single and he said they don’t see each other like that and anyway, she wouldn’t have him as apparently she is married to someone wealthy and brilliant

she wouldn’t have him as apparently she is married to someone wealthy and brilliant

anyway, she wouldn’t have him

I found this disturbing.....

Oblahdeeoblahdoe · 04/08/2019 01:41

Hi OP, I hope all is well tonight. I do feel you need to ask him to stop the incessant chatting to this person. It actually doesn't matter whether it's with a man or a woman, it's very rude!
You say he is more attractive than you and this is a great way of him showing you that, right? It's an ego trip for him.
The next thing to do is work on your self esteem. Start by looking after yourself well, indulge and be kind to yourself.

Original poster
Pachonga · 04/08/2019 01:51

I feel like shit, tbh. DH is asleep upstairs and I’m down here with his phone reading all the messages they have sent to each other today, hundreds of them. Again, all of them about nothing much. I have no idea why he would invest HOURS of the day talking to someone about this stuff. It’s so mundane. I keep expecting, even maybe hoping, to find a smoking gun of some sort in the conversation but no, just crap about television programmes they are both watching and some fascinating gardening tips. Even what vegetables they like eating. I don’t know how this flatters either of their egos. It would honestly be easier if there were risqué messages but there is nothing.

I think when DH said she wouldn’t have him, he was being self-depreciating rather than stating a truth. He is like that, at the same time knowing full well how attractive he is and how much people like him.

OP posts:
SimplySteveRedux · 04/08/2019 04:06

You'll get people saying trust is gone as soon as you looked

Trust is gone when people start hiding their phones, furtively sending messages, changing lock codes. IMO.

SimplySteveRedux · 04/08/2019 04:11

Had a situation like this, talking for years, texting a lot. I cut contact because we were dangerously close to a physical affair and likely overstepping the emotional affair line, in hindsight. I would never attempt to contact this woman ever again. I suspect something has happened, or one of them realised the situation and out of respect cut contact. That they are back talking would make me immensely uncomfortable and that said line will again be pushed: it's a matter of time, methinks, before something happens.

SimplySteveRedux · 04/08/2019 04:21

I've seen a few messages questioning whether it's possible to be close/emotional with someone you've never met/met once via text messages/social media messaging. In my experience yes, it's far, far, easier to spill your guts to someone via message as rejection hurts less than in real life.

Robin2323 · 04/08/2019 06:28

Just s thought.
You say there is some family stuff going off.

Is dh coping with this family stuff ok?

He is maybe using this friend as a destruction. From the stress.

Is there any fun conversation between you and dh or are you just talking about problems?

I do tend to read mn when I want to get my mind off worries and my dh will play games on his phone to unwind - which in itself can be annoying lol.

Robin2323 · 04/08/2019 06:29

Posted to soon.
'That was meant to say a distraction from family problems'

JeremyCorbynsCoat · 04/08/2019 07:51

Sounds to me like it's bordering on an EA.

You need to say something to him OP Thanks

IamtheOA · 04/08/2019 08:39

The " she would never have me" would worry me, because often when someone says that, the emotion behind it is longing

IamtheOA · 04/08/2019 08:53

As in, they've imagined it, and then realised they'd be out of the running, and then felt sad about it.

" they wouldn't want me anyways" is a million miles from " God no, shes just a friend"

As for the content of the texts, it doesn't have to be racy to be an EA.... it's that wish to have contact, know more about the other person, share stuff about yourself- it's that gradually getting closer. You know whenever you've been getting to someone you like? And how it didn't matter what you did? And you probably didn't spend the whole time telling each other how beautiful/ fanciable they are? That's what this is.

Have you ever been around someone who's just started a relationship, and they'll tell you in great detail how their new partner loves blue cheese but hates cheddar, or other mundane facts? It's because THEY find those details about the other person so very intriguing.

The sheer amount is what you need to be worried about.
THAT is the smoking gun, NOT " oh my God I want to RIP your clothes off".

They are toeing a line. Big time. They not have crossed one physically, but hundreds of texts in one day suggest others are being crossed.

IamtheOA · 04/08/2019 08:58

And are these texts, or fb messages?
Did they need to exchange numbers?

If so, who does that after only meeting once?

Also, if she was getting too clingy then he would certainly remember it. He was being evasive.

I think I've read most of the thread, but I would want an explanation about why HE feels it's ok to start contact again.

THAT would also indicate he's looking for an ego stroke.

Oblahdeeoblahdoe · 04/08/2019 09:41

I agree with posters above, it's getting to be an EA. It's all about being in touch constantly so they're not communicating with anyone else, i. e you and her DH! This has to be tackled firstly by talking to him and then working on your self esteem and relationship.

Alfiemoon1 · 04/08/2019 10:22

This is exactly how it started in my situation I confronted him asked him to tone it down he then started lying and hiding it. I thought it had all ended until a month ago. Like you I have never found anything except chit chat apart from when they slag me off but for some reason he won’t give her up so I think I have no choice but to end our marriage. No advise for you just wishing you good luck and hope you work things out

Everafter1 · 04/08/2019 12:09

That level of contact is not on. That's building a relationship of some sort. It might lead to nothing but they're getting to know what makes the other tick. Where does it stop? His attention shouldn't be diverted from you to another woman. Shes not in a crisis is she?

"She wouldn't have him" what sort of comment is that to make to your wife.

Until there's a resolution or plan of how to go about this I think you need some positivity and a pick me up. You deserve a treat, buy yourself something nice, get a treatment done, go somewhere nice for a walk or lunch. Just anything that's for you.

Alfiemoon1 · 09/08/2019 12:05

How are things op

Original poster
Pachonga · 09/08/2019 13:30

Not good, I’m afraid.

After another entire day with DH texting away, I spoke to him about it. I said that whilst I never want to stop him having friends, the sheer amount of time he spends on chatting to her isn’t on. I didn’t ask him to stop, just to cut back. He said he is not going to stop talking to her altogether as she is his friend and he needs friends etc but that he would cut back and to be fair to him, he has. There has been a noticable drop-off in the texting when he is at home, he is still texting her from work and when in the car etc.

Of course being the weak person I am, I looked at their recent messages and although there are far fewer now, they are less ‘what’s your favourite colour’ and more ‘I’m so happy we met’ and ‘My life is so much better with you in it’ etc. They also must have kissed when they met as there have been multiple references to it in the last few days ‘I have never stopped thinking about that kiss’ and ‘It was magical’.

I’m still working out how I feel about it all, so sorry if this update sounds a bit clinical and emotionless, it’s my way of coping right now. He has been a lot more present when at home since our conversation so I don’t know whether just to be happy with that and not press it further, potentially pushing him even more towards her.

Anyway, that’s the update.

OP posts:
TheTittefers · 09/08/2019 13:54

Have read your update, OP. It’s sickeningly familiar to me. When I brought similar up with my (now ex) H, he turned it on me with the whole ‘I knew you’d overreact/I’m entitled to friends/there’s nothing going on.’ To which I calmly replied, ‘well, this is creating a big problem for me: if my reaction is so extreme and unreasonable, you should probably come to relationship counseling with me and let’s have a mediator show me the error of my ways.’

Anyway. He’s long gone now.

Alfiemoon1 · 09/08/2019 13:59

Oh sorry things aren’t great and that what happened in my situation when I asked dh to tone it down he text her when at work he doesn’t start til midnight she worked days!! The phone calls on his way to work or when I went out. His justification was he wasn’t sat there ignoring me texting her but the level of contact didn’t decrease. Then he started deleting the messages and lying about texting or meeting up with her.

I really wouldn’t be happy seeing those kind of messages or the fact they have kissed good luck op I hope you get this resolved

Pinkmonkeybird · 09/08/2019 14:00

Oh @Pachonga that update sounds like nothing much has moved on despite the fewer messages. They are definitely having an EA if they are now discussing the magical kisses...how sickening..it doesn't matter if it happened a long time ago or last week, they are making reference to it and this is just one step closer to ramping things up.

It isn't you pushing him closer to her at all, don't think that. Does he know you have seen the messages? If he doesn't I think it is probably time to fess up and tell him you know that the context of their 'friendship' is an emotional affair ...not just friends.

Pinkmonkeybird · 09/08/2019 14:03

Just to add...my experience was very similar to @TheTittefers and also @Alfiemoon1 in both respects of deleting messages after asking him to rein it back and also the defensiveness. His loyalty should be to you, not her.