DH texting female friend again

[Pachonga]

A couple of years ago, DH had a friendship with woman mainly conducted via text. He was never secretive about it and we both have friends of the opposite sex and it’s never been an issue in our 20 year marriage so I didn’t feel unduly alarmed and he always they were just friends and eventually they didn’t talk any more, I don’t know why.

Fast forward a year and they are back talking again. I know because I asked who he was talking to and he told me and he seemed really happy to be back in touch with her. One night when he had gone to bed, I looked at their recent messages and they were all innocuous enough (though they obviously know a LOT about each others lives) but there was one group of messages when they were saying how much they had missed each other in the time they weren’t talking and how they never stopped thinking about each other and I don’t know, this just hurt me immensely. I have always known about this person and am sure nothing has gone on between them other than just being good friends so don’t know if I am overreacting or what. It just feels weird and I wish they hadn’t got in contact again.

Should I speak to DH about it or just let him carry on and hope it fizzles out again?

User - I totally agree with you. I had been a sahm for 20 years and when this blew up last year, it dawned on me how vulnerable I was - totally reliant on my dh. If he decided to up and leave I'd be in a right mess. So this year I have got a job - only part time and doesn't pay much, but it's made me feel better about myself....bloody nerve wracking, but I've done it.

@user1479305498 - no, no, no. You don't get to justify controlling behaviour by pretending to be the victim.

"I have to control you because I'm really vulnerable" doesn't wash.

I wouldn't say anything..the fact you can look at his phone means he has nothing to hide..good luck.

It’s all good advice and I do appreciate a variety of responses, even the ones I think are a bit harsh.

I am going to talk to him but I need to get it straight what exactly I’m going to say and pick a good time to do it, which probably isn’t right now to be honest. I also have to prepare myself for the consequences of anything he might say.

Honestly, I don’t know what the deal is with DH and his friend, in that I have no idea why they are so important to each other. Can you really meet someone once and feel like that?

So slightly what is wrong with op sitting down with her dh and having a conversation about it? If you've been happily married for 20 years as op has (and as I had) and then this throws you off kilter, you are allowed to discuss it. She is allowed to feel vulnerable by it. If it's behaviour outside of the normal for your dh then you would feel worried. Clearly, as my dh had deleted most of her texts and he didn't text other female friends to this extent, there was something not quite right.

Hi @shegoeshere. There's nothing wrong with OP sitting down with her husband to talk. It's healthy to talk, and the best relationships are built on a solid foundation of communication and trust.

How the OP goes about that is critical. It's really important that she is honest, and owns her own issues. In practice, that means:

• not blaming him for this situation. He categorically has not done anything wrong. It is important that the OP recognises that this is her issue causing these feelings, and does not try to blame her husband - anything else starts getting into gaslighting. That's why some of the advice on here has been so irresponsible - the posters who have suggested this is an 'emotional affair' are outting the blame onto the husband, when the crux of this issue is actually the OP's feelings

• exploring honestly why she feels this way, and what might help her to be reassured. That has to be done without making demands that he drops this friendship - making those demands would be controlling

• being honest about having secretly gone through his phone. OP needs to be prepared for him to be hurt by that behaviour, and - again - she must not try to blame him for her having chosen to do that.

Within those constraints, it is healthy to talk about what the OP is feeling, and for her to seek reassurance.

, it isn't controlling, it's bloody self preservation!!! Many of us on here have been really 'cool' partners in the past, until crapped on behind our backs.

This sums it up perfectly.

Better safe than sorry.

The problem is not the friendship, it is surely the fact that the texting, by all accounts, is going on constantly all evening with laughing at in-jokes - which is surely to the detriment of the OP’s marriage because it takes away time and energy for any intimacy in their marriage.

I do not think it is controlling to question that. The husband is being quite rude, really, without even going into the EA question.

I have been in an abusive and controlling relationship. This thread is not an example of one, in fact -snooping aside, which the OP has accepted was wrong - the OP has demonstrated tolerance to what must be quite invasive of her marital space (the constant texting and laughing at in jokes with another woman).

SlightlyMisplacedSingleDad I kind of agree that some posters are jumping too quickly to the conclusion that the OP's husband is likely having an emotional affair. You, on the other hand, are the opposite extreme. You seem weirdly certain that he has done absolutely nothing wrong at all and that the entire issue is OP's insecurities.

Surely the point is that nobody, not even this man's wife, knows what is or isn't going on. Do you have some particular insight the rest of us don't...?

I think the "not stopped thinking about each other" & "missing each other" has overstepped a boundary.
Imo he should be mindful of what you're comfortable with in your relationship. His loyalties should lie with you. He doesn't need to be rude to this woman, but he doesn't need to have that type of relationship. She's not a childhood friend. As a woman I would never be comfortable having those conversations with another woman's man.
You're perfectly reasonable to be hurt by this & justified for any feelings of jealousy. If this friendship is hurting you, then that's jeopardizing his relationship. He needs to adapt.

He is having an emotional affair in plain sight. There is no getting away from it. That's why you are uncomfortable and sad.

I think you need to put your foot down and say there is no room in your marriage for her.

If I were texting another man all day, pretty much every day, telling them I had missed them and never stopped thinking of them my husband would be right pissed off and be questioning me about it. That level of contact and emotional connection with someone who isn't your partner is intrusive and OTT. Especially if he reckons she 'got clingy' in the past. That's a sure fire sign that things got emotionally deep, and he should know better than to go there again. 'Abuse' and 'coercive control' my arse.

While he's sitting there all night texting and laughing(and probably flirting) ask him if you can have his phone as you would like to say hello to this lovely woman who is so important you YOUR husband.

Another one here who thinks he's hiding in plain sight OP. He's enjoying her attention. And if he's at the stage where he's spending so much time with her then it's all time that's not going to you. I'd be jealous as hell. And that is not controlling, it's a legitimate human response to being usurped. Discussing that with him will not nor does not make you abusive.

Can you really meet someone once and feel like that?

Yes, if you choose to, and deliberately act on any initial frisson.

OP I feel for you. I don't like the mental image of your Dh and this woman cosily texting away, chuckling at their oh-so-hilarious in-jokes, while you sit on the sidelines feeling anxious and wretched.

You're his life partner and he should be reassuring you, not indulging in this teenage ego-massaging with this woman (I'm very sceptical about this 'only met her once' claim).

Please be assured that you are in the right here, and he is very much not. Stand your ground. You deserve respect and consideration.

But I also know it’s unreasonable to talk to someone pretty much all day every day who isn’t your partner, even if you are being open about it

No it isn’t. I have a group chat with friends (male and female) and we share inane pointless chat, memes, sometimes deeper stuff pretty much every day. I talk to them individually as well. My friends, male and female, will always be equally as important as anyone I’m dating. You seem to resent the fact that he considers this woman important as if the only person he should feel that about is you. That’s ridiculous. The insecurities are yours to work on, and snooping is totally unacceptable. Having said that, his ‘she was getting too clingy’ is potentially dodgy so I think you need to have an open conversation about that

Young women can be left looking after kids with little money, no housing security and sometimes very little rights, especially if not married. Older women have often given careers a bit of a back seat to keep the home fires burning or travelled around with high flyers or worked with partners etc. Their is a lot at stake for many women financially and domestically and hence if their what seems to be a loyal loving partner is doing stuff that makes them feel uncomfortable then they will be anxious, it isn't controlling, it's bloody self preservation!!

User this is utter bollocks. Abusive relationships aside, no woman is forced to make choices that make them vulnerable. If they find themselves so dependent on their partner that they couldn’t support themselves financially or otherwise if he ran off, there is nobody to blame but themselves

I'd leave it for now. There is a connection between then but it seems to be fairly platonic on his side. I suspect that this will build to a crescendo again and he’ll back off.
*
He seems to be aware where the line is and has already enforced it once. That’s a good sign.

Why not focus on yourself for a bit? I don’t know about you but the less interested I am in DH the more interested he is in me. He’s like a bloody annoying cat.*

This advice is perfect!

If there was anything untoward going on there is no way he'd leave his phone around.

Tell him what he said about cutting it off because she was too clingy or whatever has concerned you a bit, and you'd really appreciate it that if it does happen again he speaks to you about it! ❤️

I am married and have a couple of very close male friends. Do I text them all night when they're with their wives? No, because it's not fucking normal and it's bloody rude ,in a nutshell. And if they were trying to text me all night when I'm with DH I'd think they were trying to crack on to me , because they would be. Lets not sugarcoat.

Dodgeball, sorry I can’t agree, sometimes life and circumstances at that time get in the way of ‘choices’.

That’s exactly what I mean user - nobody has to put themselves in circumstances that would lead to that! If people don’t prioritise taking care of themselves and protecting/future-proofing their lives (and I don’t just mean financially as I know not everyone can afford to save, but choices in terms of whether and when to have kids, to give up work etc) they are a victim of their own lack of foresight if it all comes crashing down

Dodgeball that's a bit of a broad generalisation. It's not always as black and white as that. Each circumstance needs to be taken in it's own merit. I doubt many people (if any) would deliberately put themselves in a detrimental situation. I don't think it applies to op. She's trusted her husband, trust is key. It's him who has broken that.

@dodgeballchamp

What utter bollocks! Plenty of women do this. I consider myself an intelligent, educated woman. I'm also a mum of 3, and on my divorce found that my husband was better off.

This is because his career took off while mine took a back seat because I prioritised the kids. This doesn't make me "a victim of my own lack of foresight", it makes me a parent. My ex wasn't prepared to prioritise the kids over his career. Had I made that choice too, the kids would have been passed from pillar to post.

Fortunately my ex has taken some steps to balance it out - though not many.

Your response is condescending and extremely naive.