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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH texting female friend again

280 replies

Pachonga · 29/07/2019 19:04

A couple of years ago, DH had a friendship with woman mainly conducted via text. He was never secretive about it and we both have friends of the opposite sex and it’s never been an issue in our 20 year marriage so I didn’t feel unduly alarmed and he always they were just friends and eventually they didn’t talk any more, I don’t know why.

Fast forward a year and they are back talking again. I know because I asked who he was talking to and he told me and he seemed really happy to be back in touch with her. One night when he had gone to bed, I looked at their recent messages and they were all innocuous enough (though they obviously know a LOT about each others lives) but there was one group of messages when they were saying how much they had missed each other in the time they weren’t talking and how they never stopped thinking about each other and I don’t know, this just hurt me immensely. I have always known about this person and am sure nothing has gone on between them other than just being good friends so don’t know if I am overreacting or what. It just feels weird and I wish they hadn’t got in contact again.

Should I speak to DH about it or just let him carry on and hope it fizzles out again?

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 23/08/2019 09:05

This is one of the saddest threads I have ever read

Op...you deserve more than this half life. If your kids knew how much you were compromising yourself for their sake they would, and should, be mortified.

Who is this man ? There is nothing special about this two'a'penny cheater.

I just cannot understand how little you must think of yourself to be literally watching from the sidelines while he conducts his grubby little romance.

GilbertMarkham · 23/08/2019 09:05

Ultimately, evening nothing comes of it - it is shitty, disrespectful, totally unfair behaviour.

Howdoisortthis · 23/08/2019 09:09

Please don’t accept this. I’m ashamed to say I’ve been in a close texting friendship with a married man. It’s over in the past now and I regret it more than anything.. I was incredibly lonely at the time and my own marriage was failing. It was totally out of character for me but I felt as though I was in love.

Powerful feelings can develop and even if this friendship remains long distance and “just texting” what’s to say it won’t have awoken deeper feelings in him and he may start looking for someone closer to home. He might need more real fixes after some time.

I’m not sure what the answer is for you OP but please don’t just accept it because you think nothing physical can happen.

GilbertMarkham · 23/08/2019 09:14

It seems like, unfortunately there's as dynamic (possibly there for quite a while) in your relationship that you're lucky to be with him, that you'll never leave, that he's got more power (you possibly wouldn't do this sort of thing to him because you think he'd leave you (?) while he knows you'll take it), you're a type of inferior partner in the relationship etc.

It must be why (in conjunction with a lack of empathy, selfishness, possibly a big of a personality disorder) he is happy to be so relatively open about this, describing her adorabality etc).

You need to adjust your thinking about your position in the relationship; he may be aging well (so fkg what) .. his character is decidedly less pretty; he lacks integrity, he treats his wife and the mother his children with serious disrespect. He's foolish, deluded and up his own arse; away on a cloud about a long distance emotional affair with someone hd doesn't really know at all. He's also disrespectful and lacking in integrity to be emotionally (and physically) engaging another man's wife, another family's mum ....

Consider all that and take him off the mini pedestal he appears to be on.

GilbertMarkham · 23/08/2019 09:22

It would be inappropriate and unfair even if he was infringing on time with his wife and family constantly texting eg a hobby mate about a hobby ... But this is in a whole different realm, he's actively having an emotional affair with another woman - almost in plain sight.

Also something was up when they cut all contact for a while before; maybe he'd husband was on to it .... Do you think he'd think what they're doing is ok in a relationship. It's not ok in any relationship.

GilbertMarkham · 23/08/2019 09:23

*her husband

NetflixAndGin · 23/08/2019 09:23

He might love you but he did kiss this other woman, and may well be planning to do so again. This isn't a healthy relationship right now, you say you're talking to him about it bur you're also looking at his phone frequently and he doesn't know that you're aware of the kiss. You need to be frank with him and get it all out on the open, and give him an ultimatum. He doesn't sound likely to easily give her up, and it seems that you believe in some ways that he is too good for you so are scared of rocking the boat too much. You deserve better OP.

Chocolate123 · 23/08/2019 09:27

So the minute he's back from holiday with you he's texting her saying he's missed her and you think this is ok as he's just enjoying the attention. This is an emotional affair you deserve more. Why would he stop if you continue to let him away with it.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 23/08/2019 09:29

DH does love me, I know he does. He is just enjoying the attention of another woman. If actually presented with said woman in real life now, I am not sure what he would do. Maybe run a mile.

If we take him at his word, he does love you. But he also loves her. And right now; you're not winning. He could not wait to be back and talk to her, even after your chats, even after he saw how much it hurt you to say that she's even better in real life.

It's true that people online aren't always who they are in real life and that if they tried having a relationship it could all fall apart in the first year because it'd be real life, which all it's drudgery, and not this exciting infatuation, this new love. But that isn't a safety net. It's not even always true.

It looks very much like if he was presented with said women tomorrow; he'd be very happy to see her. He's seeking her out.

I know you want to save this and you don't want to leave and that is absolutely you're prerogative but you have to have your eyes open here because if he leaves - and nobody ever thinks they would - you'll be shell shocked.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 23/08/2019 09:31

And really, what did you say when he said he loved you; but also her? Did you condone it? Say nothing?

I genuinely can't imagine a conversation with my husband where he said he had feelings for me and someone else, and that she was even better in real life, that didn't end in us splitting or at the very least contact being immediately and permanently stopped.

How has this got to you knowing he loves her, and condoning it in the background?

seahorse85 · 23/08/2019 09:41

OP I'm not really sure what you wanted from this post. My last post on this was sympathetic, but your attitude is bizarre. You almost feel sorry for him!

Would you want this for your daughter or your son? Your relationship is a blueprint for theirs. You model what a relationship should look like for them. Think about it.

StVincent · 23/08/2019 09:43

Aargh this is so horrible to read. One thing that jumps out to me is your feelings of comparative rubbishness. Have you wondered if you might be a bit down (before this started)? I feel like your perception of yourself as not worth prioritising is a the base of why you aren’t standing up for yourself here.

NOT TO BLAME YOU. He is being a cheating, selfish, mean arse. But you are frozen with inaction because you don’t know your own worth. ❤️

StVincent · 23/08/2019 09:44

I feel like you’re in denial about what you really want, in fact. Be honest with us - what do you REALLY want?

Doyoureallyneedtoask · 23/08/2019 11:32

He is having an emotional affair.

I wonder how you approached this topic on holidays because it seems you threaded very softly around it.

The only way it might stop is if you give him an ultimatum. Of course then he might just get better at being less obvious about it, change to a private email account, use a different phone.

How would he react to a suggestion of marriage counselling?

Tooner · 23/08/2019 12:36

It seems that no matter what anyone in here says you are still determined to stay with that man who is absolutely taking the piss out of you right in front of your face. He obviously thinks and perhaps knows you are not a strong person and will accept any kind of shite he chucks at you.

You need to find your self esteem and if you don't want to leave him ( which you so obviously don't) then at least treat him with the contempt he deserves and let him see thats exactly what you're doing.

Please don't just be a total pushover.

Original poster
Pachonga · 23/08/2019 15:26

I am determined to stay with him but not as it is right now. I do need to talk to him again and I do need to give him an ultimatum. I am listening to what people have been saying here and am taking advice from your posts on how to proceed.

OP posts:
LittleWing80 · 23/08/2019 16:59

You are in complete denial. He doesn’t love you just because these are the words he uses. His actions demonstrate the opposite. Just like when you were persistently calling this woman a ‘friend’ because he was gaslighting you into thinking she was a friend and not the OW.

Please OP take control and your dignity back. You can give him an ultimatum (I wouldn’t want him back in your shoes) but you have to mean business.

Is he the main earner and because of your children’s age you are worried about your financial situation if you leave?

LittleWing80 · 23/08/2019 17:03

Also you are determined to stay with him but you want the affair to stop developping further possibly even reduce in intensity. It doesn’t work like that. He will do what he wants. You eventually stop him from texting her. He’ll find another one closer but you don’t have the power to stop him from having affairs. He is calling the shots right now.

Everafter1 · 23/08/2019 17:23

DH does love me, I know he does. He is just enjoying the attention of another woman. If actually presented with said woman in real life now, I am not sure what he would do. Maybe run a mile.

When he was presented with her last time he kissed her, now he's developed a relationship and feelings running a mile is the last thing he'll do.

He has all the power here. You NEED to realise you're better than this. You clearly have a kind heart and that outweighs him being "glamorous". He's looking very cheap from what I can tell. You're not his safety net. When your perception of yourself changes his attitude towards you will. What have you got to lose by standing up for yourself? Really.
He's already robbed you of your self worth, he's chipping away at your dignity & loves another woman. It's not okay to do that to you.

He's learnt that he's allowed to develop this relationship as he openly discusses it with you with no repercussions. You have more control in this than you realise.

Cambionome · 24/08/2019 09:27

Honestly, the most important thing here is to hang on to your self respect op. If this is making you unhappy then say so; value yourself and your feelings.

Flowers
Original poster
Pachonga · 24/08/2019 17:07

We both work but DH is the main earner and yes, I would worry about our financial situation if we were to separate. As I said, we have a good income but could not afford to keep the family home and to pay for a place for DH, not for the next few years, so this is not an option right now. So how do I make it work now? I do have self-worth, I am not just going along with this lightly. I love DH and want to stay married to him regardless of our financial situation but I don’t want to live life like this.

I doubt I will get the chance to talk to him about it over this weekend, we have too much on.

OP posts:
Greenkit · 24/08/2019 17:22

Wow, just wow

Original poster
Pachonga · 24/08/2019 17:28

I’m aware people on the thread don’t really understand the situation I’m in, mainly because I haven’t explained it properly or fully (partly because I don’t want to out myself) , and that sometimes I have been overly dramatic about things or maybe made myself out to be more accepting —and pathetic-- than I actually am.

I’ve read all your comments and am going to talk it all through with DH when we have the time and the privacy. I’m not as happy about it all or as accepting as I have made myself out to be- often on my posts here I’ve just been thinking out loud.

Anyway, thank you to everyone for your advice and support, I really appreciate it.

OP posts:
Gazelda · 24/08/2019 18:01

If you were able to magically see yourself in 5 years time, what would you think if you saw that you were still with him, the children had all grown up and left, and your H was still texting this woman countless times a day?
Would it still be acceptable so long as they didn't meet up, or as long as the texts remained mundane?

Everafter1 · 24/08/2019 18:39

So how do I make it work now? I do have self-worth, I am not just going along with this lightly. I love DH and want to stay married to him regardless of our financial situation but I don’t want to live life like this.

You have 2 choices of how you make it work.

  1. You tell him to stop this affair
  2. You shut up & put up

MN can only go on what you divulge here. You've seemed reluctant to address it seriously from your posts so everyone is trying to give you the strength to do so. His actions (messaging her as soon as he's back) suggest if you have been firm with him, it's fell on deaf ears.