Shagged my ex and he’s attempting to blackmail me

[Suchanidiotpart2]

Know I’ll get flamed for this but I need some advice. I stupidly met up with my ex to discuss our DC. He turned on the charm and kept ordering the drinks and we ended up in bed. My lovely, kind and caring dp is moving in this week. I wasn’t going to tell him because it was w stupid mistake and I made sure it was safe sex.

Ex wants me back. I’ve told him no chance and he’s threatening to tell my dp.

I feel so much shame and am disgusted with myself. My poor boyfriend. I need to tell him before my bastard of an ex does don’t I?

Yes, sorry

Yes. Not sorry.

Yup. Are you still wanting him to move in?

I would not tell. Unless the ex has dated photos/video, it’s he said/she said. I’d just respond with, he’s trying to make trouble.

What proof does your ex have? As someone currently in your boyfriend's position I 100% wish I didn't know but it is better coming from you if at all. If you are certain you want to be with your boyf not your ex and have plausible deniability then if i were your boyf I'd want you to do that. It may still sow a seed of doubt however.

Did your ex get you drunk deliberately? Was this coercive? There's a name for that, you know...

It was a massive epic mistake and if I could turn back the clock I would. Yes, very much so. This will obviously change things for him.

Yes you have no choice now. You did sleep with your ex . He will always use it if you don’t tell dp

I would not tell. Unless the ex has dated photos/video, it’s he said/she said. I’d just respond with, he’s trying to make trouble

You are joking?

No, I’m not. Why would you tell something that is unprovable and that will hurt DP?

You have to call his (ex's) bluff. Say that you don't care if he does tell your boyfriend. You might lose your boyfriend over it, but you can't have your ex holding this over you.

Whether you tell your boyfriend or not - if you think your ex is really likely to tell him, it would be better to tell him first out of courtesy if nothing else. Don't let him find out from the ex, that would be horrible for him. Honestly, probably better to not be with either and get you head straight for a bit.

Yes you need to tell him. If he had any sense he'll walk away now before he goes to the effort of moving in.

Might be an error and you wish it hadn't happened but it did and if you have the potential to do it in the circumstances that lead up to it you have the potential to do it again if circumstances are right. The fact it was a mistake doesn't make it go away.

I don’t recall him taking videos or photos as I would have objected but he’s so scheming I wouldn’t put it past him to hide a camera.

I’ve refused to put anything in writing to him to discuss what happened so he doesn’t have written proof.

Yes. Wasted drunk. Triple measures of spirits. He has a girlfriend too but is now fed up and wants to move on, back to me.

God I’m a fucking idiot. And a cunt. I just can’t believe I’ve done this to my DP.

Why would you tell something that is unprovable and that will hurt DP?

Because he deserves to know what a lying cheat she is. BEFORE he moves in.

I'm stunned. You actually think it's ok to lie because it's 'unprovable'

Nice piece of work.

Who will your dp believe?
If he decides to believe you will you be able to keep up the lie?

I think he got her drunk to the point where she couldn't make informed consent and then had sex with her when she was vulnerable...

I am old and live in the real world, where people make messy decisions. I suppose unlike you, I’m imperfect.

OP has regret. That’s the main thing.

FTR, I’ve been with my husband 38 years, never cheated, was never tempted. He’s never cheated either.

OP - are you ok? May i ask why he's your ex? Did he ever push your boundaries when you were together? It sounds like you might have a rather bigger problem than 'cheating'

I think he got her drunk to the point where she couldn't make informed consent and then had sex with her when she was vulnerable...

Yes of course. He raped her

How the fuck did you jump to that little gem?

OP has regret. That’s the main thing.

Is it bollocks

I think you need to come clean before your do moves in. You owe him that.

No, it’s not bollocks. If it isn’t going to happen again, there is nothing gained in telling him.

I'm not surprised there are so many cheating threads on here, society really does accept and encourage it.

No, it’s not bollocks. If it isn’t going to happen again, there is nothing gained in telling him.

You said the fact that she feels regret is the main thing. That is absolute bollocks.

I'm speechless at the fact you think this is ok, to do this to another person. How awful.

He was very abusive towards me when we were together. Lots of coercive control, violence, gas lighting etc. But I know that’s no excuse for my actions, because he didn’t make me have sex with him, yes my barriers were down due to intoxication but he didn’t make me drink either. I own my own actions.

It will hurt my DP so much because he knows about the abuse, I was very open with him. And I know deep down the right thing is to tell him because I won’t live with the lie.

taylormu

"Yes. Wasted drunk. Triple measures of spirits"

Yup. You're right. Totally sounds like she was capable of making informed consent. Ffs.