Shagged my ex and he’s attempting to blackmail me

[Suchanidiotpart2]

Know I’ll get flamed for this but I need some advice. I stupidly met up with my ex to discuss our DC. He turned on the charm and kept ordering the drinks and we ended up in bed. My lovely, kind and caring dp is moving in this week. I wasn’t going to tell him because it was w stupid mistake and I made sure it was safe sex.

Ex wants me back. I’ve told him no chance and he’s threatening to tell my dp.

I feel so much shame and am disgusted with myself. My poor boyfriend. I need to tell him before my bastard of an ex does don’t I?

I think you need to tell your DP regardless of what your ex might or might not do. It’ll hang over you otherwise.

I think he got her drunk to the point where she couldn't make informed consent and then had sex with her when she was vulnerable...

Oh yes. A woman can never be culpable can she? It must have been solely the fault of the man. Presumably he didn’t kneel on her chest and pour alcohol down her throat? It’s her poor unsuspecting DP I feel sorry for.

taylorowmu, were you actually speechless, you wouldn’t be posting.

What kind of psycho wants to blackmail a woman to get her back? He took advantage of you, if you were drunk how could you consent? You are a victim here.

Fight the bastard with his own game. Tell your DP that your ex got you drunk and is now claiming you had sex with him and is blackmailing you.

You have DC with your ex. You will never get away from him or when he decides to blackmail you again. So I'd tell DP in this situation.

Why did you agree to meet him in a pub/bar? Surely that's asking for trouble if you know what he's like.

A phone call to discuss surely would of done?

... and consider telling the police about it.

The blackmailing and having sex on you while you were drunk, that is

Obviously, if you had seduced him I wouldn’t be saying ring the police.

Hmm I'm not sure. I wouldn't say anything I don't think. Wait and see if the ex does tell. And then dent deny deny. And if you chat to your ex on the phone id say "if you think telling dp means we break up and then i have you back, you are mistaken." He seems to think that will be the case, weirdly.

What a tangled web we weave;(

@TanMateix That's terrible advice. What if the DP knocks his lights out next time he sees him? How long does OP lie for then? Does she tell the truth when he gets out from his prison sentence?

Why were you sculling triple measures when you’d just met up to discuss the children? “He got me drunk” is such a feeble thing to say.

I would not tell. Unless the ex has dated photos/video, it’s he said/she said. I’d just respond with, he’s trying to make trouble

This. It may offend some posters with higher moral values than mine but has it occurred to you that your ex is trying to steer you into telling your DP when there's no need to just to stir up some shit? Keep quiet. If your ex says anything deny, deny, deny.

Why is the first response of so many people on here to suggest lying and blaming other people?

Is that how you live your own lives?

It's bloody grim, if so.

Ok, just read your last post. Erm, go by Whiskey’s suggestion then.

As Iris Murdoch said, Truth will make us free but not necessarily happy So if you are committed to your DP and know in your heart you won’t cheat again then... just deny, deny, deny.

I think in your situation OP, if you are 100% sure this was a terrible mistake and it will never be repeated, I wouldn't tell. What's the point? People make mistakes and hurting your DP is not going to fix or change what happened. I think it's actually selfish to tell him based on "I won't live with the lie". You did the wrong thing, you have to find a way to live with it. It's your burden, not his. You need to find a way to move forward and make it up to him by being a wonderful partner.

Your ex sounds awful. I would tell your DP that you met up with him and discussed the DC over a few drinks and leave it at that.

If you were 'wasted drunk' and your ex was ordering triple shots I would question your ability to consent. How drunk was he?

(I've never cheated on my DH so my opinion isn't based on personal experience)

I'm with Winterlife. OP knows what she did wrong, won't do it again, so nothing to be gained by telling the DP, except by the abusive blackmailing bastard who doesn't deserve to profit from it.

Maybe a relationship built on a foundation of lies and unfaithfulness is built on a firm foundation.

But more likely, not.

Crossing your fingers and hoping there is no proof is a poor approach. Many phones have cameras these days.

You get that him wanting to "get back together", the charm, the drinks and all the other threats and shit are just a continuation of his coercive control, right?

Current situation temporarily aside, if you're going to have any hope of protecting yourself from him in future and not getting sucked into disasters like this again, you need to be firmer with yourself about pointing out when he's engaging in abusive patterns and then stepping away. And actually establish some boundaries.

You get that the charm and talk of wanting you back is just as much part of the abuse as the threats? I ask because you don't seem to recognise that.

@PickYourselfUp

Yup. You're right. Totally sounds like she was capable of making informed consent. Ffs.

Ffs yourself. What nonsense.

I would normally agree on the keep quiet and deny tbh. But when you share a kid with the man it will be a long time of threatening to tell your DP. And i couldn't be arsed with all that.

He took advantage of you, if you were drunk how could you consent? You are a victim here

@TanMateix

You’re an embarrassment to women aswell

No she isn’t a victim. She CHOSE to have sex with him you absolute idiot. He could argue that she got him drunk and took advantage of him?

I’ve had plenty of consensual sex while I’ve been hammered.

If you've got him in writing threatening you, go to the police. Blackmail is a serious offence, he needs to find out the hard way.

And yes, you do need to tell your DP, I'm sorry

Whether you tell your boy friend or next, please do tell your ex to piss off.

He sounds like a very horrible man and you are much better off without him.

Plus I think take a long hard look at your judgments and boundaries. Why the drinking with the ex? You say you had a lot to drink but you managed to make sure the sex was safe. So you were aware of what you were doing. I am not being mean, your life, your business but I am just saying what were you thinking?

Maybe this does explain it a bit...

"He was very abusive towards me when we were together. Lots of coercive control, violence, gas lighting etc. But I know that’s no excuse for my actions, because he didn’t make me have sex with him, yes my barriers were down due to intoxication but he didn’t make me drink either. I own my own actions."

Maybe having being used to his vile behviour there was some something going on there for you psychologically. Please do not beat yourself up about this.

Are you sure you are ready to move in with your new man when the old one can exert such power over you?

Please contact Women's Aid and do the Freedom Programme. I think you need some help to work out your boundaries etc and I really do mean that in the best possible way.

I hope it all works out and you.