Shagged my ex and he’s attempting to blackmail me

[Suchanidiotpart2]

Know I’ll get flamed for this but I need some advice. I stupidly met up with my ex to discuss our DC. He turned on the charm and kept ordering the drinks and we ended up in bed. My lovely, kind and caring dp is moving in this week. I wasn’t going to tell him because it was w stupid mistake and I made sure it was safe sex.

Ex wants me back. I’ve told him no chance and he’s threatening to tell my dp.

I feel so much shame and am disgusted with myself. My poor boyfriend. I need to tell him before my bastard of an ex does don’t I?

Don't tell him, do you think he may have drugged you. Deny it don't engage and do not tell. This will pass you won't feel as bad. This is a lesson learnt- if he continues to blackmail you tell him you will go to the police

taylorowmu
Why would you tell something that is unprovable and that will hurt DP?

Because he deserves to know what a lying cheat she is. BEFORE he moves in.
I'm stunned. You actually think it's ok to lie because it's 'unprovable' hmm
Nice piece of work.

She was drunk to the point of not being in a position to make an informed choice. She was effectively raped and you call her a lying cheat. Nice.

poopypants, OP herself is clear that she consented and was not raped and she was, y'know, there.

I also think it sounds like you were too drunk to consent. Are you sure you did consent?

I don’t even understand how I got as drunk as I did because I always know when I’ve had enough

I think repeated triple measures of spirits may have had something to do with it.

I think you should tell him. Perhaps he’ll need a bit more time before he moves on. But once you tell him it’s no longer hanging over you and your ex has no power over you.

We’re disappearing up the hive arse on this thread.

You shagged the ex. It happens.
Old-style advice is keep quiet, don’t do it again.
Current/ MN advice is always tell.
Logic says you’re not ready to move in with anyone.
Freedom programme or counselling might help.
Any man who is trying to blackmail you has to be avoided/dealt with etc. If you have shared dc you need to make minimal contact between you and him the thing. I say this as someone who shagged the ex (who had, amongst other things, tried to kill me) for years.
Stop beating yourself up. You did it, so now things have changed. What do you want?

I’d lie if there was no proof

Posts like this usually come from men and the advice is usually tell her why are there many here saying don't tell. Cheating is cheating alcohol is an excuse your DP has a right to know before he makes a decision to move in

I can’t even remember having sex with him

I couldn’t even tell you how I got home

How can you be sure you consented then??

The fact you were so drunk you have no memory of it, indicates that you may well not have had the capacity to give informed consent.

Equally, you can’t be sure the condom was at your insistence, as he may not want to alienate you by forcing a pregnancy scare on you - you’re not likely to take him back if he does that are you? And/or he may not want a child right now.

Given his history of abuse, I think he’s set the whole thing up. Get you so drunk you don’t know what’s happening and take advantage.

I think you were very naive and fell into his trap.

She was drunk to the point of not being in a position to make an informed choice. She was effectively raped and you call her a lying cheat. Nice.

'Effectively raped'

Ok.

Some comments on here are scary. She was not raped!!!

Shit, you made a mistake, it happens.

I generally make dreadful decisions so you might not want to take my advice.

I'd do whatever possible for the current dp to not find out.

You could bluff to your ex that you've already confessed to your dp.

Or

Ride it out and hope he never tells and if he does, deny, deny, deny!

As OP can’t remember having sex with him at all, I’m don’t see how anyone can make a call on what actually happened.

OP Can I just say "well done" on deciding to tell your DP. I think it's the right decision. Takes guts and clearly shows you respect him. It's only right that he gets to decide whether he still wants to uproot his life and move in with you. Would be hideous if he did all that and found out later - far worse for both of you, in fact.

(That was to scaryfairy).

If every drunken one night stand where you can't remember a thing is resulting in rape then I would also be a victim of rape in my younger days. So would millions of other people.....

In this example, the op knows her ex very well. Therefore her going for drinks with him is asking for trouble. There's no need to meet for drinks to discuss dcs - that's ridiculous. It should all be done through email. Why meet your ex for drinks when you are having issues with him for contact and maintenance? Why would you want to do that? Maybe still has a thing for her ex and wanted to see before new bf moved in? Wasn't sure about new bf moving in?

I don't think discussing the dcs was on the agenda in the first place. I think they both knew what they were doing.

Lots of people up on a pedestal here @Suchanidiotpart2 I hope you're ok today.

Going forward, ultimately I expect it depends if you can live with not telling the truth. It's raw now, but it will ease over time and hopefully just become a bad memory.

Do you want a future with this new partner? Have you been with him long? If it's a new relationship I'm also inclined to agree with @Winterlife. The only good in telling him will come from easing your own conscious. If you're not going to do it again then don't fuck up a relationship for a mistake. But ensure that it is a one off mistake.

If you're tempted again then I think you should end it with your new partner as that's not fair on him x

Suchanidiotpart2 your ex is a nasty piece of work. It's clear many posters here don't understand about abusive relationships or coercive control.

He took got you drunk and took advantage of you. The responsibility is his not yours and yes, this is akin to rape.

That he's now blackmailing you shows his character.

Don't let judgemental posters here emotionally blackmail you to tell your DP.

You do what you think is best.

If you do tell him, be in no uncertain terms that the ex took advantage of you. But be prepared you may lose your DP. I would be tempred not to tell an resolve to never put myself in that situation again.

Also threaten the ex with the police, and mean it.

A friend of mine was raped by a work colleague after a night out. She told her husband but he couldn't get over the fact - as he saw it - that she put herself in that situation. (He was an emotionally immature dick IMO) and never accepted it was rape. They split up over it.

She's with someone much better suited for her now.

Agree with ShatnersWig it takes guts to tell the truth and glad you are going to do so, OP.

sarahfairy I agree it is ridiculous going for drinks with an abusive man to try and work out child maintenance issues BUT that suggests to me the OP is still very much being controlled by an abusive ex.

Women (and men) can do very foolish things when under the influence of abusive people.

Yes, putting oneself further under the influence of drink was a bad move but I think the ex had an agenda.

Who suggested the drinks?

Who paid or supplied the drink?

When dealing with a slippery, abusive person I think the OP needs to cut herself some slack.

The fact she doesn't think it was rape doesn't mean she is right! How many abused women don't realise the extent of abuse until fully out of the situation!

So, because she still appears to be under his control to some degree I think she herself may not know exactly what happened. She clearly cannot remember exactly what happened.

OP you need to focus pm you. Freedom programme may help.

Focus on you

A mistake is putting milk in coffee when someone takes it without. Nobody gets drunk or has sex by mistake.

Your DP deserves the truth before he makes such a commitment. You owe him that much at the very least.

If a man had posted this he would be hauled over the coals not told it was a mistake and no reason to tell.

I've known another couple 20 years. I know he had sex with a mutual acquaintance early on in their relationship when very drunk. I know what she's like - doesn't care if someone's in a relationship and very forward if she wants someone. I know he was gutted the next morning (he came to my brother to ask what to do and I saw him - he looked like someone had died).

He doesn' t know I know. Normally I'd say to tell, but in this case I know he's not a serial cheat. He came up against someone with no morals when very drunk.

They have 3 DC now and are a lovely couple. He's dedicated to them all. There's no way I'd tell and I can understand why he didn't.

Don't tell your DP just to assuage your own guilt.

Yes you do need to to tell your dp before he moves in, this way he can choose to make an informed decision about continuing with the relationship or not. This way you can 'own' your actions (your words), and you won't be living a lie, and more importantly you are showing your dp the respect he deserves.