Shagged my ex and he’s attempting to blackmail me

[Suchanidiotpart2]

Know I’ll get flamed for this but I need some advice. I stupidly met up with my ex to discuss our DC. He turned on the charm and kept ordering the drinks and we ended up in bed. My lovely, kind and caring dp is moving in this week. I wasn’t going to tell him because it was w stupid mistake and I made sure it was safe sex.

Ex wants me back. I’ve told him no chance and he’s threatening to tell my dp.

I feel so much shame and am disgusted with myself. My poor boyfriend. I need to tell him before my bastard of an ex does don’t I?

To explain this to the nth degree. I didn’t initially tell my boyfriend because I’m a cowardly fuck, and, because I didn’t put his sexual health at risk because I made sure it was safe sex. The condom proves we had safe sex. I am not changing stories. This is what happened! And yes, I have every intention of doing so

If the OP came on and posted that:

A) she met a tinder date in a bar.
B) he ordered all the drinks and the were a minimum triple measures.
C) she cant remember getting home. Has flash backs of what happened.
D) was violently sick.

She absolutely would have received post after post of people saying she was too drunk to consent.

The kicker is the boyfriend and on the relationship boards cheaters are the lowest of the low.

There is still something vulnerable inside of you about this relationship with your ex.

Tell your dp to take away his control over you and the situation. It will be the end of your relationship but you will never have a minutes peace of mind waiting for him to your dp and he will.

Get some counselling to help you manage boundaries with your ex and really getting him emotionally out of your life.

I think you could get away with lying, in terms of just denying it, but you wouldn't be able to live with the guilt.
Hopefully your partner will forgive you.
Good luck, though; I feel for you.

If you tell him, let us know how that goes....

His logic of blackmailing you to get you to back to him is stupidity at its greatest.

But he'll just blackmail your for other things anyway. Let him reduce maintenance or he'll tell. Let him mess about with contact or he'll tell, etc.

You're doing the right thing now. For everyone.

I didn’t put his sexual health at risk because I made sure it was safe sex. The condom proves we had safe sex.
Condoms don't protect against every single STD, so if you have had sex with your partner since this happened (and it sounds like you have which is grim imo), then yes, you have put him at risk.

I haven’t had sex with my partner @RavenLG AND I’ve been to the GUM as I’ve already mentioned.

This is how people make monumental mistakes in their life - not by letting themselves down - sleeping with an ex - cheating on a drunken one night stand. No - the monumental moment is when they choose to make a mug of the person they love. A lie becomes part of your future.

Think it through OP - one day your ex will tell your DP - maybe after you’ve settled down with him - when your carrying his child - when you think you’ve escaped. Or, more likely, he will tell scores of people what a mug your DP is for trusting you because he shagged you just before the guy moved in. And people talk. And one day that rumour might well get back to him. And your DP will have a choice - to believe you OR or believe your arsehole ex. And he’ll believe you. And it will be a hollow and horrid experience - because in that moment you will know that he can never know the real you. And it will affect the intimacy you feel. You will never feel good enough - and it will poison your relationship in ways you haven’t yet considered.

And if your ex has held on to some ‘proof’ the realisation of betrayal will be awful, and he will never ever trust you over anything again.

So I’d run the risk of telling your DP who you really are - that you are capable of being led into doing the wrong thing because of an emotional involvement. And let him decide. And if he forgives you and believes you are genuine in never wanting to make the same mistake- it may be the best feel ever - to be accepted and loved in spite of your failings and to have someone believe in the better person you can be - someone who would add to betrayal with lies and deception.
And if he can’t then that has to be his choice too. Right now your DP is the vulnerable one - you’ve got him right where you want him - unaware that your fidelity is not as certain as you would have him think. The truth will help you in ways that lies only destroy our self esteem in the end.

Typical mumnets double standards at play here. Saying the OP was taken advantage of, drunk & therefore couldn't give consent etc etc.

Whereas there is z thread running from yesterday where the OP's husband had a ONS & got the women pregnant & he was (rightly) castigated by saying he willingly went back to her house, went upstairs, got undressed , put a condom on etc etc ....so he couldn't have been that drunk.

So unless the OP's ex took her upstairs, took her clothes off & then had sex with her (which would be rape) then the OP is 100% culpable.

Tell your "d"p OP so he has all the info to be able to process what he should do.

@readitandwept is spot on. Even if he agrees to not say anything to your DP now, he'll mention it whenever he wants something, or whenever he wants to exercise a bit of power.

Your only way out of this is to tell your DP- both so that you have an honest chance with him before he moves in and also to take any power away from your ex.

I hope it all works out for you- youre not the first person to make a mistake, you wont be the last, and the person youve been in a domestically abusive relationship with can wield horrible controls you cant explain over you years after its all over. I feel for you.

OP look after yourself.

Don't let posters badger you.

Oh OP, you poor, poor thing. And you're getting absolutely battered by so many people.

Something horrible has happened and I bet you feel completely violated. I think you're still very vulnerable, especially to him.

@Italiangreyhound offered some kind and sensible opinions. Thank goodness.

Unfortunately, I think you are going to have to tell your partner. I hope he's able to understand that this isn't what you would have chosen.

I'd lie.

And if he tried to tell your DP, I'd deny it. And if a video was threatened, I'd report him to the police.

Because if you can't remember enough to know he used a condom until you found it, was drinking cocktails and normally know when you've had enough and are only getting vague flashbacks, I would be wondering why the ex was being so fucking careful not to leave DNA evidence for once.

Your only way out of this is to tell your DP- both so that you have an honest chance with him before he moves in and also to take any power away from your ex

Whilst this is true, the DP also deserves complete honesty so he can make an informed decision about whether he wants to contribute financially and physically towards the care and upkeep of your children. About whether he wants to uproot his whole life for someone who has cheated.

There is a slim chance that the ex does have proof of some sort.
Maybe just a picture, even of the op asleep, afterwards.
Imagine lying, convincing yourself its going to be ok and then the ex produces the proof.

That would be the worse thing ever.
It has to be 'better' to confess.

You ex may not have "proof" but the story he has to tell, timings, etc even perhaps bring able to describe current things you have on you or in the house which he would not have known before could be his "proof".

Proof is not just about photos, text messages, etc. A convincing story based on facts can do the job.

You said you did not reply to his messages. That to me would be proof. If it's not true and he is just trying to make trouble, I would wonder why you did not respond in a stern way to the accusation.

OP I'm concerned there are things you cannot remember such as how you got home. I worked in a club some years ago and we had cameras everywhere, that basically kept history for 7 days until it was recorded over.

Can I strongly encourage you to go to the club/bar/restaurant where ever you met your ex, and ask if you can watch the camera for the time you were there. I think you need to be certain nothing was added to your drinks and you may be able to see yourself leave and if you caught a taxi home or got a lift.

You really need to know what exactly happened.

@readitandwept has a good point. It won’t end here OP, you need to tell him or your nasty ex will try to keep you under his boot for everything else.

Obviously, the fact you are being blackmailed doesn’t mean anything to some mumsneters because a man blackmailing a woman over sex is a much better person than a woman who, god forbids, have a drunken nightstand with the wrong person [clutches pearls]

He is blackmailing her, how is that her fault? Oh yes, I remember, because she is a woman and should have kept her legs crossed. The man, as usual, is faultless.

Oh yes. A woman can never be culpable can she? It must have been solely the fault of the man. Presumably he didn’t kneel on her chest and pour alcohol down her throat? It’s her poor unsuspecting DP I feel sorry for.

@AlexaAmbidextra,
FYI a woman can drink any amount of anything she wants and it doesn't mean she is available for sex.

If a woman is drunk she cannot give meaningful consent and in that case, sex = rape.

Likewise, a man can drink any amount of anything he wants and it doesn't mean he is up for sex.

You need to go off and educate yourself on the law.

OP, if you yourself don't know how you ended up so drunk, is it possible this despicable man spiked your drink?

@Suchanidiotpart2
If your ex has committed his threat to writing, go to the police.

If he hasn't written his threat, tell him to put it in writing. You need to tough this out.

I agree, you need to go to the club or bar where you and he were drinking and ask to see their CCTV.

The condom proves nothing about safe sex. He could have used that himself any time.

Don't let the moralists on their high horses beat you into submission here. If sex with your ex was not something you had planned for that night, then you need to find out what really happened.

You need to go to the police with the threat or your nasty ex will have you on the hook for any other demands he wants to make.

Try to get his threat in writing.

It sounds like you were too drunk to consent to sex, he raped you. Tell your dp but make sure he knows the whole story

The condom proves we had safe sex.

No, it doesn’t. The condom proves there was a condom, not that it was used correctly. There are two many holes in your recollection and your Ex is an arse, which makes the above statement very wishful thinking.

Your partner deserves to know the truth and you deserve that the truth comes from you. There are enough unresolved issues for this event to have taken place.

Be brave, be kind to yourself and disengage from your ex.

I don't think you need therapy and I don't think you should tell. This is further abuse from your ex. He needs the fucking therapy. I would honestly try to move on and be happy and if he threatens to tell, say 'whatever, people all know you want me back'. Lying is wrong. But. He was so enormously more wrong and will be SO PLEASED to fuck up your relationship. Get angry and stop hating yourself over this.

You need to tell him. You can't start this next step with DP when there's a huge lie and your ex's threats hanging over you. You conscience won't let you be happy. Your ex could torment you by dangling that threat infront of you for years.

Tell your DP. He deserves to know everthing and make his own decision. You don't have the right to take that choice away from him.