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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

He did it again

288 replies

Ilikesleepinginthedark · 21/07/2019 19:42

NC.

Sitting here with a swollen black eye. Don't know whether to report as I don't want social services to be involved.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ilikesleepinginthedark · 23/07/2019 06:50

Thanks everyone for your support. I'm overwhelmed by the amount of messages I have received on this thread so thank you.

I contacted women's aid regarding to impose an injunction. They've advised me that I will need to know whether my ex is still in custody or if he is being prosecuted. However, I contacted the police station but they couldn't tell me anything. Should I leave it for now ? Why haven't I heard from the police yet ?

OP posts:
ColdAndSad · 23/07/2019 07:55

I think you should speak to the police again: your ex was taken into custody because he assaulted you, and he poses a real danger to you. The police should tell you if he's in custody or not. If they continue to refuse to tell you this information, speak to Women's Aid again and let them know that the police won't give you this information, and ask how best to proceed.

beccarocksbaby · 23/07/2019 08:21

I'm a nurse too and left DV. My child was under a sw for a bit but no issue with my job. Work very supportive in fact.

forumdonkey · 23/07/2019 09:05

OP my exh was charged and bailed and his bail condition was he wasn't allowed near me or the house and that was when we were still married and his name was on the mortgage

Scorpiovenus · 23/07/2019 09:55

See this is why when people tell you to leave... You leave.

Now listen this time and leave

thelaststraw123 · 23/07/2019 10:20

If you contact the NCDV they can help you get a non molestation order, which does not require your ex to be charged.

Also if you're being intimidated or worried for your safety in your own home, discuss refuge space with women's aid.

I'm currently just about to leave a refuge that I have been in for 7 months as I wasn't safe and had a violent ex.

I'm now moving to a different county to stay safe

Original poster
Ilikesleepinginthedark · 23/07/2019 10:42

Thanks coldandsand

Ive just been informed that Ex has been released on bail and has to return on a particular date. What does this mean ?

OP posts:
MzHz · 23/07/2019 10:55

Have you made contact with the police DV team? Can you request a liaison? Then you’ll have access to info about his bail, bail conditions etc

Contact woman’s aid again and update them and ask for help to navigate this

SissySpacekAteMyHamster · 23/07/2019 11:00

Pleased don't drop the charges. If you do, you are just giving him the green light to do whatever he likes to you whenever he likes.

Stay strong and please see the threats regarding SS as bull. YOU are the victim. HE is the abuser. SS will see this.

Original poster
Ilikesleepinginthedark · 23/07/2019 11:15

yes, the police updated me. They want access to my medical records and want statements from witnesses.

My mum said I should be worried about his friends and family and just drop these charges. That he has been there for DC, picking them up, that his still the father.

OP posts:
HypatiaCade · 23/07/2019 11:19

Your mum and her attitude, is why you're in this mess in the first place I'll bet. She has taught you to be submissive, and to back down in fear. She probably also didn't teach you how to choose a partner who is respectful and would love and cherish you. So don't take her advice on any of this!!!

LauraMipsum · 23/07/2019 11:22

Don't drop the charges. All that will do is communicate to him and his abusive friend that you can be bullied.

If he has been released on bail he will almost certainly be on a condition not to contact you directly or indirectly (sometimes save to arrange contact through a solicitor).

If you've already been referred to SS it may be worth contacting them and asking for support in restricting contact to a contact centre.

Original poster
Ilikesleepinginthedark · 23/07/2019 11:43

I'm thinking of letting it go.

I feel they believed him when he said that he was defending his DC.

OP posts:
Ozziewozzie · 23/07/2019 11:50

They absolutely will not think that you are not serious. Not leaving instantly is incredibly common. Your self worth is low. Being treated like that is humiliating, frightening. Of course you’re going to be scared to make a move away. Woman’s Aid got me out literally overnight. They kept me safe, built me back up again and got me all the legal help my children and I needed.
Make today the first day for the rest of your life. Show your child this behaviour is intolerable and show your child your strength. You do have it, you just need help finding it. Xx

Benes · 23/07/2019 11:53

Do not listen to your mum.
Do not drop the charges.
Make sure you and your children are safe - that might mean they don't see their dad but keeping you and your children safe and alive is your main priority.

Men like this kill their partners - ignore him and his friend and just make sure you are safe.

user1486131602 · 23/07/2019 12:00

No! Dont let it go!
And even if you do now, the police won’t!
If you don’t feel strong enough, let them know, they can support you and prosecute him.
As SS have had a referral regarding your child, this WILL NOT STOP.
You have already done the hardest of things by standing up to him. I’m sorry to say your mum is not giving you the best advice, was she a victim of DV also? If not, why would she want to see you hurt?!

Please don’t give up. Don’t give in to him...it WILL happen again, and what would happen to your child if he kills you? Do you really want them to grow up in fear and abuse? I know you don’t.

Tell the WA that you need help NOW. I assure you ....you will get it.
I can only offer you my love and prayers, but hope that enough for today xx

TicTac80 · 23/07/2019 12:03

Please please don’t let it go and don’t drop the charges! I’d also talk to NCDV about a child arrangements order which can spell out where contact should be and when.

Keep police and SS updated about the other people threatening and intimidating you. Your Ex is grasping at straws for reasons why he hit you, in front of your DC. But there is never any good reason to hit someone xx

Original poster
Ilikesleepinginthedark · 23/07/2019 12:07

She had experienced DV.

I don't think I have the energy. This is going to go to court and I don't know if have the mental energy to go to court, listen to all the lies him and his friends are saying about me. Face a solicitor. I don't think I can do it.

My mum said this could have been avoided. I was suppose to leave the house to help my sister packing. My mum was persuading me to go but I didn't as I was too tired. She said if I'd went this situation could have been avoided. Also, as EX was helping me pick up DC's from school due to training/work and childminder being off sick. This gave him a reason to get close again even through she warned me not to ask him.

It's all my fault. What's the point ? I haven't left my house in two days because of my messed up face, I'm ordering food online. Its ridiculous.

I should have read the warning signs but there has been no physical abuse for four years. I thought we passed that, I thought that was the end of it.

I don't know if I can do this.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ilikesleepinginthedark · 23/07/2019 12:09

TicTac I don't think I ever want him to see my DC's. God help them if he finds out that I ever have a new partner. Every time he gets close, he then thinks it's ok to do what he wants.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ilikesleepinginthedark · 23/07/2019 12:10

I've applied for a NMO. However, they advised me to do it nearer the end of his bail conditions. I've decided to represent myself in court, without a solicitor (is this wise?), the caseworker hesitated a bit. I did an NMO before but I didn't think the solicitor was good and it was over within 5 minutes.

OP posts:
Benes · 23/07/2019 12:12

It is not your fault and it is unfair for your mum to blame you.

It is his fault and his fault alone.

Cut all contact with him and block his friends number.

If you drop the charges he will come back and do it again.

Safety in the short and long term needs to be your priority.

PrayingandHoping · 23/07/2019 12:15

Wow your mum is unhelpful!!! What is she thinking??? You need to stop listening to her.

This is not your fault at all. He had no reason to hit you. He needs to be stopped

Oh and no one legally will care what his friends think of the situation. They weren't there, they didn't witness what happened. Forget about them

Original poster
Ilikesleepinginthedark · 23/07/2019 12:19

pray his friend said he was on the phone during the whole time it happened.

OP posts:
Itsallchange · 23/07/2019 12:21

I’m sure you can get legal aid for DV cases, equip yourself the best you can and go and start your new life! You can do this, your mum sounds like she wants you to not stand up to the problem but that means he will always and I mean always have a hold on you! Be strong and break free xxx

PrayingandHoping · 23/07/2019 12:24

@Ilikesleepinginthedark but didn't SEE anything. He hit YOU! You did nothing that could justify that