He did it again

[Ilikesleepinginthedark]

NC.

Sitting here with a swollen black eye. Don't know whether to report as I don't want social services to be involved.

OP I'm so sorry you're going through this. Have you checked if women's aid can give you any more support, or if there are any local alternative groups? You really shouldn't have to be dealing with this on your own.

I don't have answers to a lot of what you've posted but a couple of points -
I'm a safeguarding social worker. There are a lot of social workers and other registered professionals who have had SS involvement with their own kids, mainly for DV and also in cases where there's issues re mental ill health etc. It may be something you have to declare on job apps but it isn't something that would count against you if you're the victim of something and if you've dealt with it in a way that shows you've tried to safeguard your child.

Your mum is talking horseshit. Sorry, she's your mum, but it's horseshit. Since 2004, witnessing DV is legally classed as child abuse. What your husband did IS child abuse. Regardless of any (imaginary) provocation. There are few things more terrifying for a child than seeing his primary carers in the state of out of control aggressor or an injured party. That is why we take it seriously.

Is there any reason why you've decided to represent yourself? As a DV victim and single parent (sorry to assume but I know nursing wages aren't high?) have you checked if you can get legal aid? If you can, there's no reason to go it alone.

itsallchange I am entitled to legal aid but have to make a contribute of £300.00 pounds. I think I can do this myself.

Bored40 Thanks for your message. It has settled down my anxiety that my job will not be affected.

I've decided to do it alone because I think I can do it. Is this wise ? It seemed straightforward, from what the NMO team have told me.

Your mum is using your situation to justify her own poor choices in life, please don't allow her to project her own fears and weaknesses onto you.

I get this is a frightening situation for you but unless you follow this through he is just going to get worse - you've already passed that point where you can let things drop because if you do it'll send him a clear message that as far as you're concerned, he's untouchable. Stay strong.

I think you need proper advice - Women's Aid, Rights of Women also Freedom Programme too. I think this is too much to take on alone.

Have the Police updated you on what is happening? I would expect you need a None Mol too?

One of the reasons you ended up on this relationship was AS A DIRECT RESULT OF YOUR MOTHER.

You are not her. You don’t have to just stfu and take the blows.

Are you better than your mum?

Actually yes you very much are!
You’re keeping yourself safe from a dangerous man, keeping your child safe from a dangerous man.

She doesn’t want you to be safe, or your child.

A real mother protects their child every single time

TELL her that you’re putting yourself and your child first and if that’s not something she can support, to keep away from you and your son.

MOST victims of DV are made so by their upbringing.

She’s thinking of herself only in this.

Shame on her.

He has zero justification for hitting you. Zero. His friend is an imbecile if he thinks it can be justified.

Your Mum needs her bumps read if she thinks you should drop charges (not that you can), that’s just the kind of attitude that allows abuse to continue.

Even if the Police believe he was defending his children, they will not believe that pinching you in the face in front of them was the only or the appropriate course of action.

You have done nothing wrong.

Don’t do it alone even if you think you can, it will become emotional and you will have to fight, you may not have the emotional strength to put that across. When I get angry or frustrated I cry and If he has legal representation it will be there job to break you. Get as much help as you can! I can see why this may not come naturally to you though with a mum who is not supporting you I guess there have been many occasions you’ve had to go it alone. Don’t be a martyr take the help and support xxx

You need to stop listening to your mum because she is not helping or supporting you in the slightest!
You need to stand firm and carry on. I'd personally get a lawyer behind you because they see this day in and day out and will know how to handle it.
Good luck, you've got to do this

I know I sound like a broken record, but it's not up to you to 'drop charges'. It doesn't work like that so that's one less thing to worry about. If your mum keeps on about it, tell her it's out of your hands.
You don't know whether there will be a court case yet. You need the police's advice here because I'm not sure he's been released on bail or just released pending investigation, from the information you've given. Even if he's been charged, there's no guarantee it will go to court yet. If it does, I strongly, strongly advise a solicitor. Strongly. You need an understanding of the legal system if not, and have to be very confident.
Lastly, you don't need any more info as to his bail conditions or length to get a non-molestation order. You can just apply directly to the court.

Sagrad Thanks for your message. They told me that he has been realised on bail with conditions put in place.

They also told me that they need more witness statements and a medical report of my injury. I assume it's because this information is needed for court ?

The NMO team told me that because he has to comply to bail conditions, I'm protected during that length of time. Therefore, I should put an order for a NMO nearer to the time at the point he needs to go back to the station.

Don’t drop the charges.

Listen to the experts - women’s aid, the police. Don’t listen to your mum about this, hard though it is. You need first class, professional opinions.

I wouldn’t represent myself (I’ve been to court lots of times due to having an ex very similar to yours). There’s a system in place and we’re not lawyers. Get an expert.

No, get it NOW.
If there’s even a day in between one finishing and the other starting he has the right to be at the address!
God forbid that should happen!
Witnesses can be drs, nurses, friends, neighbours, work colleagues anyone that knows you had this to endure.

My ex got 2 friends of his to provide character witnesses about what a lovely husband and father he had been. Neither of those men had ever talked to me or been in our house. No one took a bit of notice of their drivel!

Keep going.

Sorry for bombarding you with messages but I had expert letters and reports from 2 health visitors who had worked out what was happening to me and my children. So a good witness with some “clout” could be anyone impartial like HV, colleagues, school. Someone you’ve emailed about it in the past? People will want to help you.

Totally agree with PP's, take every bit of help offered and don't try to do anything alone. There is a process to go through now and you can't know how that will play out at this stage, so you need people who will know what to do to help guide you through. And yes, please stop listening to your mother

He was on the phone to his friend at the time he also hit you?

EVEN IF that is the case, punching someone is justifiable if it is a kidnapper holding onto your child, it is NOT justifiable if it is that child's mother. To succeed in a self-defence argument he will need to show that he believed that you were about to cause violence to him.

There is no defence of provocation to assault. He can't just say you "antagonised" him and expect that to succeed.

Back when I used to do magistrates court trials, I found that in nearly all DV cases the offender would plead guilty if the woman turned up to court ready to give evidence.

The courts are used to having women who are victims of DV manipulated by the perp and their friends/family. Even if you do drop the charges SS will still be involved the only difference is you won’t be following the legal route of getting him prosecuted.

I wouldn’t teprest yourself just because you’re in two minds of whether to even follow through, however you an have a representative through women’s aid if I remember correctly.

You are doing the right thing and no one should put their hands on you and it be justified. I’m shocked your mum even tried to make excuses for it. I feel if you had proper real life support you would feel stronger about getting out of it for good.

As a mother you obviously didn’t feel comfortable with the DC going with their father and and SW or women’s aid worker you have involved will say the same thing and that they agree they shouldn’t have gone with him. Stay strong and get the help you need.

Sorry that was meant to say you shouldn’t represent yourself

Please don’t drop this OP. Difficult as this is for you, he will be emboldened if he thinks he can intimidate you.

She had experienced DV.

Then she ought to be thoroughly ashamed of herself for her lack of support.

You're on the right track now OP. You've come this far, please don't go back on it. Your DC need you to see this through.

@Ilikesleepinginthedark why are enabling your Ex? And as for your mum

If you drop this you will have SS on your case and another Child Protection Order will be put on, because you clearly are unable to show good judgement and protect your child. I hate to be see abrupt, but if your a nurse you have done Safeguarding as Mandatory Training,
yet look at you backing down again.

As for his friend, tell him you ain't putting up with his threats either, you will not be dropping the charges, but you will make be making sure the Police charge him as well.

You know what you need to do.

It depends, OP. This is why the police officer dealing with this needs to better inform you.
If he's been released without charge, the evidence they are asking for is so that they can charge him and they have about a month to do this.
If he has been charged, there would need to be evidence for this so I'm assuming they've used your hospital statement and photos as evidence and they will be looking at referring to CPS for a court case, for which they will need more evidence (as they've requested of you).

Please don't listen to the bad advice you've been given throughout this thread which mention a) dropping charges b) not demonstrating being a good mum c) anything to do with losing your job as a result of a) or b).

Sorry to bombard you, but the people you spoke to regarding the non molestation order are wrong. Wording it to wait 'until he goes back to the police station' isn't wise advice as you can't predict the future to know when he'll be due back and you don't know what the outcome of that station visit will be. There is nothing to stop you from getting the wheels in motion for that NMO today.