Ds1 is a nasty piece of work

[Cobblersandhogwash]

He's nearly 15.

He tells dd who is 12 to fuck off regularly. At least twice a day.

He wakes up ds3 who is 6 by poking his finger in his ear and scaring him.

He's just hurt ds2 who 9 by kneeling on his head.

He's super bright. Super selfish. Super vicious.

He smashed up his bedroom, his sister's bedroom and smashed in three doors.

We confiscate his gadgets. We penalise him by taking money from him.

He's having counselling. This is his 3rd counsellor. The others said there's nothing wrong with him.

But I'm not allowed to tell the counsellor any of this stuff as it's interfering in the confidentiality of their relationship. It's up to ds1 to tell the counsellor. As if he would.

I don't like him. I don't think I love him. His personality is so deeply unattractive.

Meanwhile, my other three children have to grow up in fear of this vindictive bully.

My family is screwed.

He's just threatened me with a screwdriver because I've confiscated the Xbox after he hurt ds3 over a game on it.

How awful for you, does his dad live with you? If not, I think you need to send him there as a matter of emergency.

Call the police OP about the threat with screwdriver. He doesn't have to have actually touched you and he needs to know you will get help when he threatens you. Call them now. Is he there? Don't tell him you've called.

My brother (as an adult) threatened me once, I called the police and he never dared again.

I would probably have to call the police too OP. He sounds nuts... does he have a relationship with his father? Any mental health disorders? What about going to his GP?

Sounds exactly like my brother. Used the break down my door when I was a kid (literally, we went through three doors that couldn’t be glued back together anymore), his favourite was using a lighter and hairspray to literally flame throw through the gap to scare me.
He was older than me and I think it was mostly little kid jealously that just went unchecked.

My mum absolutely enabled him though, when he’d get into trouble, she’d bail him out (quite literally on a couple of occasions). He went to private school, had all the privileges you could ever want but he was just horrid.

I used to beg her to just throw him out. I think if she had, he’d have gotten the wake up call he needed. As it stands I haven’t spoken to him in years and don’t intend to.

It might be an unpopular opinion but some kids need a kick up the arse. Throw him out.

I can see how difficult this is for you and it sounds like you really need some support.

It sounds like your son is also deeply unhappy and acting out maybe just because of normal teenage angst or maybe because of other things he is going through.

I know parental support and proper emotional and behavioural support for teenagers is pretty hard to come by but that is what i would suggest on top of the counselling you have sorted. Are there any other charities or services you could access near you?

Children also pick up on the parents feelings that they are not liked and it creates a viscious circle like the one that you are in here. It's not a case of failing as a parent or that you have given birth to a sociopath but there are things you could potentially do to make things better.

It's not necessarily a permanent state - lots of children gp through phases of being really difficult that turn out well adjusted later on.

Consficate everything and ring the police EVERY SINGLE TIME he hurts anyone or threatens violence.
Tell him he can earn things by doing chores and being nice.

Where/when did it start? Was he always a nightmare even as a small child? Is dad around? what is he like arc school?

I agree with calling the police for violence or threats. It’s at that stage now where you have to. You can’t allow your children to live with this.

My eldest brother was an abusive paedophile who abused my sister and me. I speculate he is a psychopath. Your son’s behaviour sounds psychopathic to me. I think there is very little you can do to change an abusive psychopath as their ability to empathise is very low and they do not suffer enough guilt to want to change. I would suggest that your absolute priority in this circumstance is to protect your other children and yourself from physical and emotional harm. Do this by getting the police involved when he crosses over into dangerously abusive behaviour. It is an extremely difficult situation you find yourself in, I am very sorry for you

Cobbler, I really feel your pain, and I really - really - feel the pain of your other children.
Yes, people can change. Yes, he needs support and help. Yes, he is your son. But your other children need your help and support. Trust me, this time will stay with them forever, and they need you to be the parent in this situation. Sibling abuse is massively underacknowledged, and it causes long-term damage. Every single time he harms them, you show them their worth, and that don't go away.
Please - break his trust, ask, beg for help, call the police, whatever you have to do. Ultimately, it will keep him safe, and it might just save the others.

You have to protect the younger three. Call the police, it may be the wake up he needs.

My brother was like this when I was growing up, I went no contact with him after 48 years of his shitty behavior, my parents still don't understand the reasons, they don't see all the shit that's he's said and done to me (and to them, he's not a nice person in general).

But your comment about his therapist concerns me. Why aren't you allowed to discuss him with them? He's still a minor. My son (also 14) is seeing someone as well and takes anti anxiety and anti depression medication. Without fail, either before or after their session (he goes in alone), they will always call me or my exDH in for a chat, to see how things have been and how he's been.

This is probably not going to be popular on MN but have you considered contacting social services for a bit of support? It sounds as though you are working very hard to manage his behaviour and I'm glad he is seeing a counsellor but there are managing challenging behaviour courses you can access for a bit more confidence in tackling his behaviour and also as means of support as there are lots of parents in similar situations. There are also programmes available for him through social work that try to provide early interventions to anti social behaviour which sounds like a route he may be going down. These programmes generally use a lot of therapeutic practice and help the young person take ownership of their behaviour, work on anger management and emotional regulation. Social work are there to signpost on to these programmes and offer support.

Op. Only you deep down know if your down is really a psychopath as has been suggested it if he just really a sort of family scapegoat. I had a lot of trouble liking DS for a long time , for reasons too.complicated to go into but I always knew it was more about me and my expectations and who he reminded me of ( I.e myself) than anything he was deliberately doing . This article really struck a chord with me. amp-theguardian-com.cdn.ampproject.org/v/s/amp.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2013/feb/09/i-didnt-like-my-son?amp_js_v=a2&amp_gsa=1&usqp=mq331AQA#aoh=15637261369900&amp_ct=1563726137839&referrer=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.google.com&amp_tf=From%20%251%24s&ampshare=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.theguardian.com%2Flifeandstyle%2F2013%2Ffeb%2F09%2Fi-didnt-like-my-son

Does he have any avenue to express his emotions such as a sport, hobby? Is there any obvious connections such as a trauma, marriage break up, step parents? Have you tried writing things down. Can you get support from his school.?

Perhaps he needs a psychiatrist

Call the police. Get a copy of the police report and mail it to his counselor.

Write a detailed summary of his aggressive behaviors toward you and his siblings and send it to the counselor. The counselor is not allowed to communicate with you, but you are allowed to communicate with him/her, especially when physical safety is an issue.

Where is his father in all this?

Telling a struggling parent of a 14 year old boy that he sounds like a psychopath is singularly unhelpful. Those sorts of constructions of a child's motivations can and do ruin lives. A 14 year old would not in the UK be diagnosed with a personality disorder.

OP why counselling? Counselling suggests to me that a trauma trigger is suspected by professionals? Why not behavioural support via CAMHs? Or CFSC?

Your son is still a child. He sounds like an unhappy child.

Have him taken into care. You have to protect your other children.

Are you sure he isn't a psychopath? I'd insist your GP refers him to mental health services becauses this is horribly wrong and he could end up seriously hurting your other children or you.
This is beyond teenage anger this just isn't right.

In the OP:
He told his sister to fuck off
He put his finger in his little brothers ear
He knelt on his other brother

For this he is clearly a psychopath who needs the police calling on him or putting into care? All my kids have done this sort of thing to each other at some point.

Jesus people.
He sounds like parent and him are stuck in a negative cycle of acting out and punishing. His mother says he is a nasty piece of work who she neither likes or loves. He is a child.

Poor you, OP, you and your boy need support.

I have a friend who has a 15 yr old DD who is quite simply, out of control. She physically abuses my friend - I've seen the bruises. She's under Cahms, had to move schools because she was excluded etc.
My friend eventually got the police involved because she regularly goes missing etc and the police said to ring them every single time she doesn't show up or she uses violence. They need to build up a 'case' of the behaviour.
My friend's daughter is 16 in a few months and she is seriously considering asking her to leave. I would normally raise my eyes at that but you just can't believe what this girl's family have had to put up with. They're at the end of their tether and their younger child is too scared to go home.
Get the police involved OP