Ds1 is a nasty piece of work

[Cobblersandhogwash]

He's nearly 15.

He tells dd who is 12 to fuck off regularly. At least twice a day.

He wakes up ds3 who is 6 by poking his finger in his ear and scaring him.

He's just hurt ds2 who 9 by kneeling on his head.

He's super bright. Super selfish. Super vicious.

He smashed up his bedroom, his sister's bedroom and smashed in three doors.

We confiscate his gadgets. We penalise him by taking money from him.

He's having counselling. This is his 3rd counsellor. The others said there's nothing wrong with him.

But I'm not allowed to tell the counsellor any of this stuff as it's interfering in the confidentiality of their relationship. It's up to ds1 to tell the counsellor. As if he would.

I don't like him. I don't think I love him. His personality is so deeply unattractive.

Meanwhile, my other three children have to grow up in fear of this vindictive bully.

My family is screwed.

He needs a referral to CAMHS and you all need family therapy. Don't give up on him. If you throw him out, then you are setting him on a path of desperate unhappiness for decades.

Been to CAMHS when he was 10. That was after begging the GP for help.

After six weeks of counselling sessions there, the woman said he's a great kid and clearly the problem is me. I can take that if it's true but she didn't offer any more help! Unconstructive criticism.

He's been full of rage since he was two. Weekends were constant tantrums and anger from him. We were exhausted, perplexed and downright depressed about it.

The constant rages subsided when he was about 8 and this more targeted violence behaviour emerged.

We have despaired since then. The GPs we have seen have been so dismissive. Apart from one who enabled the CAMHS connection.

His dad works abroad at moment. We are joining him in five weeks.

Social services were involved. He punched me in the head once and he called the police himself!! They came round five hours later - we were out - and talked to him and dd. The babysitter was wide eyed!

Social services called after that. Expressed concern. I said I was delighted to hear from them and would welcome any assistance. Nothing since April. I have left messages.

We then paid for a counsellor for the second time. Who he is seeing now once a week.

Generally at school he's been an angel. Top performance academically. Apart from two boys who crossed him and he hurt them. He got suspended for that.

Activities. He does karate and trampolining. Not really much time for anything else.

He would play on the Xbox all day and night if I let him. Serious anger when I take it away.

We are now considering military boarding school for him instead of taking him abroad with us.

At a total loss. And yep, it's hard to like someone when they often tell you to shut the fuck up.

Telling someone to fuck off is not psychopathic ffs

If he was being manipulative then it'd be more fitting. He sounds simply violent.

Punch him and tell him enough is enough. The way he treats people is disgusting!

@KnittingForMittens that will help

Also, he is not a psychopath! Are you all daily fail readers?!

He needs help op. So do you.
Contact CAMHS and social services. Speak to his school.

So what is dad doing, other than working abroad? How often is he back?

My brother did all those things to me and worse.
It was considered acceptable by my parents. The only thing you can do is protect your other children.And definitely call the police at any other incident, including the things he has done to your children, and property . He needs to get the full picture of the consequences of his actions.

Dad back every weekend.

He'd just left when ds1 attacked ds2 for bearing him on a game on the Xbox.

Karate is the last hobby I’d be allowing him to do if he regularly hurts his siblings and peers

Beating.

Love the idea of military boarding school. For the sake of humanity, do it!!

Hormone imbalance? You should speak to a GP on his behalf.

We all do karate. He's been doing it since he was 5. We thought it would provide him with a sense of focus and discipline.

Hormone imbalance? For all this time? We've been to the GP so many times.

Have you mentioned boarding school to him?
How does he feel about it?

Oh and two more things I can suggest: hidden camera (only tell DH), you can use this to show the counsellor/GP/police/social services.

Let his karate trainer know everything! His anger is being mismanaged and martial arts is supposed to help with that.

Telling a struggling parent of a 14 year old boy that he sounds like a psychopath is singularly unhelpful. Those sorts of constructions of a child's motivations can and do ruin lives. A 14 year old would not in the UK be diagnosed with a personality disorder

OP why counselling? Counselling suggests to me that a trauma trigger is suspected by professionals? Why not behavioural support via CAMHs? Or CFSC?

Your son is still a child. He sounds like an unhappy child

Thank goodness, a sensible post!

All these MN armchair diagnosis

OP have you had family counseling?

Family therapy would help more than counselling.

Get rid of the games console permanently- if it is a trigger for aggression don't have it in the house

Yes if you suspect ds is not being honest with his counsellor or it’s only his skewed perspective, you need to try family therapy at least with you and the dc as the dad isn’t there much, he needs to hear how much he’s hurting you all.

Individual counselling is ok but not perhaps if you’re hurting your family and don’t see that as a problem, I’d have started there. There are charities that do it round us, maybe ask SS for any in your area if you can’t find them

If he’s been like this since he was 2, I wonder if he’s been labelled as difficult when actually he was being a 2 year old? How much has he been labelled and how has that label been carried through his life?

Why is his father overseas? Does he normally work overseas? How much disruption there?

What does the therapist mean when she says you are the problem..... to be honest, in your posts I don’t see any self reflection on your parenting?

I know that how i am has had a massive impact on my dcs when they were younger.

@Cobblersandhogwash I haven’t read all of this, but this might help explain what I was suggesting re. hormones...

core.ac.uk/download/pdf/19713115.pdf

Is there anyone at karate who could
talk to him? Or if you can speak to CAHMS again, ask for a referral for NVR (or look for an NVR practitioner independently).

Hugs for you, Op, my boy was violent at 9yo - it's ridiculously difficult to live with.

I’d also get rid of the games console for a time -not as a punishment but because it is bad for him if he’s acting like this about it.

Labelled as difficult? Well, I suppose constant rages will do that to a kid. He is difficult. He is unpleasant. He is violent. He is hostile.

And you don't see much reflection as a parent in my posts - apologies.

But I have spent years going over what to do, how to do things better, what am I doing wrong? What should I do to make things better? It's constant. It's actually like a form of torture because it's constant. And nothing bloody makes a jot of difference.

His father started working abroad at the end of June. We cannot join him yet because the house we are renting is not available until 1st September.

His father comes home every weekend.

Ds1 has been a weekly boarder at a state grammar since he was 11. He chose this. We asked him at the time to think very carefully about it. He chose to go. He came home every weekend.

This year, the school got very strict on gadgets and when the boys could have them and for how long. Ds1 hates this. He wanted to leave.

Coincidentally, Dh landed this job abroad. We have found school places for all 4 dcs. Ds1 was very pleased.

Ds1 has always hated being asked to do stuff. Like put on his shoes. Get dressed. Come and join us for a family meal. It triggers at best, intense irritation in him and at worst, anger.

This made me think that perhaps he suffers from pathological demand avoidance. www.autism.org.uk/about/what-is/pda.aspx