Hi Op
I just wanted to tell you of my experience with a situation a bit like yours within my family. My older sister had issues from a baby, found it difficult to settle, had severe reflux and milk intolerance (this was 43 years ago and my mum had no help and just had to get on with it). She was underweight, fractious and used to bite/hit/kick off with me and my brother. She was such a difficult child when my mum was pregnant with me and had pre eclampsia, the doctors prescribed my sister sedatives so my mum could get some rest (like I said 43 years ago). Anyway, as a toddler she would deliberatley do things to get a reaction, had the most horrendous tantrums, and was labelled a difficult hard child.
My brother and I came along and in comparison we were easy children and had no real issues. My sister (is very very bright) failed at school, got into recreational drugs, boys and alcohol at a young age, and has been struggling throughout her whole life. My parents didn't want to label her a difficult child, but she was tough, and still is to deal with. She has worked all her life with long periods off sick, she cannot cope with modern life well and is now an alcoholic (with periods of functioning, then long binges). She has been in rehab
twice, she has had lots of counselling. She has nearly got married 3 times, then ends up cheating or behaving so badly the men who love her leave her. Her behaviour has been so destructive she has lost the custody of her 9 year old, but continued to act like it wasn;t her fault.
She lacks empathy for others in terms of what her behaviour does to those around her and she seems not to have the skills to get herself out of the shit she caused. She also has an amazing ability to move past isses she has caused and never own up to her own responsibilities. She is very lucky she has a family who love her very much, although she has pushed most of us away, and still cant see her role in that.
It reached a huge head this last year, and in the last few months we have managed to push her gently into getting a psychiatirc assesment. They have diagnosed her as BPD probably anxious avoidant, with narcisstic traits. She can now hopefully have the right therapy and treatment and heal her addiciton. When she was born my parents were under huge stress for different reasons and I don't think either my mum nor dad managed to bond with her that well. I am sure that had a lot to do with it at the start. Then the self comparison that myself and my brother were favourites, being labelled (unintentionally) a difficult child, making bad choices and I dont think my parents (as much as I adore them), managed her in the right way.
She got away with a lot as a kid as my parents were almost scared to pull her up on things because she would fly off the handle and they wanted to keep the peace. She does not self regulate well, and her coping mechanism has been alcohol. In turn she has made some awful life changing choices when she has been drunk. I do not blame my parents as they are good people and I think they have done what they could within their knowledge and experience (my dad was only 19 when she was born so a child himself really). MY mum had her own issues throughout our childhood, my dad also worked overseas a lot and it was left to my mum to do most of the parenting. Like I said, my brother and I have no issues with the way we were parented, but it was clear my sister needed a different approach (with hindsight). My sister is not a psychopath.
Others have given really good advice here but I want to echo the Psychiatric assesment route (not counselling). Dialetctical behavioural therapy is what my sister will now receive (she has had CBT ect in the past but it didn't help). Her counselling has almost enabled her and given her so many excuses for her behaviour she didn't see any ownership.It was always everyone elses fault. She really is and has been a tortured soul all her life, and found it difficult to fit in. If my mum had mumsnet then, perhaps the right help would have made a diffrence at an early age. She says she drinks to numb herself and block the world around her.
Some other info we have found out recently which would contribute to her issues are that we have two mutated genes that are relevant. One makes it difficult to utilise B vitamins, in particular B6 and B9. Both these are associated with the synthesis of happy hormones. We also have a mutated gene which degrades dopamine. These genes can be switched on and off depending on enviroment and lifestyle. What this means is, with a good diet (not a standard UK or American diet, but plant based whole food diet or a diet specifically proven to help with psychiatric disorders), this can be improved.
There is a lot of evidence surrounding nutiriton and mental health. Modern life has moved on so much in the last 50 years and evolution hasn't quite caught up yet causing epidemics in chornic health and mental health conditions we have never seen before. There are also links between our gut microbiology and our mental and physical health. He might look perfectly healthy on the outside, but there may be deficiencies and microbiology directly having a negative impact on his mental health.
How is his diet? How is his general health (has he had antibiotics in the past)? Is he the eldest and did you have a different set up then than you did with your younger children?
I would also suggest taking a look at these youtube videos, to help explain the link between diet/gut health and psychiatry.
Your son is crying out for help even though he can't see that now, jesus its taken my sister 43 years to even admit she has an issue. It needs to be a holistic approach in order for his behaviour not to affect the rest of his and your lifes. Believe me, my parents now when they should be in their retirement and enjoying life are still focused on my sister and her troubles. They have and never would disown her but its taken a massive toll on them and the extended family.
I feel for you, it must be very frustrating and hard to know which way to turn, but there are ways you can help before he starts a even further downward spiral and enters the adult world, where addicitons could easily take hold. I imagine his like of video games is because the dopamine hit he gets from them is hard, but its like a rush, then a acute stop and his brain cannot cope with it. Keep up with the boundaries, and talking with him, but he is probably finding the whole thing just as cofnusing as you.
I understand how difficult it must be for you, how tiring it must be, how hard it is for the other kids etc. I will say, I love my sister very much, I could see she struggled in places I didn't quite so much and her behaviour has not scared me in any way. Although sometimes it was frustrating everything always seems to be about her, my brother and I have grown up to be very resilient and self assured (with a huge helping of compassion). I think as long as you are talking together and the other kids see you are protecting them as much as possible and helping their brother, you will be ok.
If you can afford boarding school, I would urgently get a private Psychiatric appointment, and consider finding someone who specialises in mental health, nutrition and holistic therapy. Good luck OP.