Ds1 is a nasty piece of work

[Cobblersandhogwash]

He's nearly 15.

He tells dd who is 12 to fuck off regularly. At least twice a day.

He wakes up ds3 who is 6 by poking his finger in his ear and scaring him.

He's just hurt ds2 who 9 by kneeling on his head.

He's super bright. Super selfish. Super vicious.

He smashed up his bedroom, his sister's bedroom and smashed in three doors.

We confiscate his gadgets. We penalise him by taking money from him.

He's having counselling. This is his 3rd counsellor. The others said there's nothing wrong with him.

But I'm not allowed to tell the counsellor any of this stuff as it's interfering in the confidentiality of their relationship. It's up to ds1 to tell the counsellor. As if he would.

I don't like him. I don't think I love him. His personality is so deeply unattractive.

Meanwhile, my other three children have to grow up in fear of this vindictive bully.

My family is screwed.

@iggly do all two year olds rage for hours and hours? Because that is what ds1 did until he was 8 years old. It was relentless.

Hmmm my dd loved the look of a school we were thinking of moving her too, but then raged and was really upset. Has ds’s behaviour been worse since you started the move plan?

Gaming addiction? Gaming seems to be a trigger here.

No. His behaviour has been consistently vile over the years.

That's in addition to whatever else is going on by the way as I assume he's not been gaming since he was 2.

Yes. The Xbox causes many arguments. I've taken it away now.

We had one before. I sold it because I was sick of the rows between the dcs.

Ds1 wrote this elegant and mature letter asking for another about a year later.

So we gave in. I regretted it pretty quickly. I have it now and it's not coming back.

Call the police and social services and make it clear that the other children are in danger. They have to act on that.

Military boarding school is a damn good option! Worked wonders for my friends husband who was also out of control and it will give him the discipline he needs and your other kids a break. Go for it!

Labelled as difficult? Well, I suppose constant rages will do that to a kid. He is difficult. He is unpleasant. He is violent. He is hostile

It sounds hard for all of you, he'll know you feel this way about him so not having that reliable and living base will affect him. Family therapy all of you might help?

Yes we know some people who found military boarding school turned their ds around. I do wonder about whether CAMHS missed something though too and children need to be reassessed as things get dismissed as parenting or maturation that don’t go away.

I had to ban tablets for the same reasons, total obsession, just no safe level.

Poor you and your other kids having to be the victims of his violence.

Boarding school sounds like a good way of giving you all a break.

Is he violent and unpleasant to your DH too?

I found the more I told my dd off, the worse things got in general, op as she just couldn’t control it and was seeking reassurance. At 15, your ds ought to have a bit of insight into why he’s doing it that should come out in family therapy?

Hard when there are other dc involved as you get stuck in defence mode.

Interesting because I know of 2 boys that have acted like your son and both of their fathers worked away. One was adopted and had attachment issues. Is he your biological son?

No. Dh is bigger and stronger than ds1. For now. Ds1 would be scared to try anything with him.

Sounds like your son is able to behave based on the fact he chooses not to be horrible to your husband?

Oh he's horrible to Dh. Says horrible stuff. But no physical threats. Or attacks.

He's charming to teachers at school too so yes, he can choose.

What was he like as a baby? Did you have a good relationship? Any pnd or separation?

Hmm well, most of us are our worst selves at home, he still might not be entirely in control at home. What does he say when you ask him if he has any idea why he does it? He’s a clever 15 year old, he knows hurting siblings is wrong.

Can your dh not take dd1 with him to where he is staying to give you a bit of a break.
I know he is only 14 but he could sleep in during the day make dinner for his dad and play on gadgets which he probably does at home.

Would the different parenting techniques outlined here be any good for you OP?
www.livesinthebalance.org/]

Sorry, working link, also see Dr greene's book The Explosive Child

www.livesinthebalance.org/

As a baby, he was demand fed. Never let him cry if I could help it.

Terrible sleeper but then that's usual for babies. My other dcs were all brilliant sleepers but I suspect my first time parent anxiety may have rubbed off onto new baby ds1.

do all two year olds rage for hours and hours?

Mine did once. I worked hard at working out what triggered him - this wasn’t about pandering but about understanding.
If my ds tantrummed in the same way until 8, I’d have been asking myself long and hard what I’m doing wrong.

So, what exactly did the therapist mean when they said it was you..,, could there be a grain of truth?

Mine did once. I worked hard at working out what triggered him - this wasn’t about pandering but about understanding.
It sounds like the OP has done absolutely everything for years on end to figure things out. This comment comes across very smug, like you believe you are a superior parent to the OP because you have been fortunate enough not to have a child, that actually most likely has some form of undiagnosed behavioural disorder. I also wondered whether there could have been any possibility of childhood sexual abuse.

Could be true Iggly. Could be. But I have racked my brains and asked my self over and over again what can I do to make things better? How can I? I'll try this reward system. I'll try this punishment system.

And on it goes.

You see, it's all very well pointing the finger - that's the easy bit - but then what? What forget investigating and constructive action?

I've tried everything I know. I've asked for help. We've got help. Nothing has worked.

So what do you suggest @Iggly? Or are you just going to say I'm the problem and that's it?