Ds1 is a nasty piece of work

[Cobblersandhogwash]

He's nearly 15.

He tells dd who is 12 to fuck off regularly. At least twice a day.

He wakes up ds3 who is 6 by poking his finger in his ear and scaring him.

He's just hurt ds2 who 9 by kneeling on his head.

He's super bright. Super selfish. Super vicious.

He smashed up his bedroom, his sister's bedroom and smashed in three doors.

We confiscate his gadgets. We penalise him by taking money from him.

He's having counselling. This is his 3rd counsellor. The others said there's nothing wrong with him.

But I'm not allowed to tell the counsellor any of this stuff as it's interfering in the confidentiality of their relationship. It's up to ds1 to tell the counsellor. As if he would.

I don't like him. I don't think I love him. His personality is so deeply unattractive.

Meanwhile, my other three children have to grow up in fear of this vindictive bully.

My family is screwed.

@Iggly what do you think I've been doing for the last ten years?

@Cobblersandhogwash I was going to suggest PDA.

My son is 10 and we have been going through an extremely difficult time with him. He can be volatile and explosive and impulsive. He's also trashed things at home and ran off, jumped out of upstairs windows. He has hit me not using his full strength though. He has been suspended from school several times. We have two other children 8, 18 months. We had similar issues with him swearing and intimidating his 8 year old brother. We've also had to confiscate the PS4 due to it fuelling anger when it's time to come off or he loses. He was diagnosed with high functioning autism when he was 7, and recently diagnosed with adhd and anxiety. He has started taking straterra for the adhd and anxiety and he is calmer and more rational now. We are also trying to get referred to a clinic in London for PDA testing as he ticks so many boxes for this and it is part of the autism spectrum.

A lot of the things in your post reminds me of my son and so I wondered if you'd considered the possibility of some form of special needs as when it's missed and they don't have the support they lose control and the behaviour is so much worse and more extreme. Some high functioning people mask at school and then the over stimulation and trying to keep it together in front of their peers causes huge meltdowns at home... he could also be very stressed and anxious about moving abroad, new home, new school, leaving friends etc. I am in no way excusing his behaviour just trying to see if there might be a root cause?

Believe me six months ago I felt same as you about not liking my son and I've now spent time reminding myself he is a child, my child, and he needs my love and support. I got myself some citalopram for stress induced anxiety (definitely caused by the relentless struggle of parenting a child with complex needs!) and I read the book "The explosive child" by Ross Greene and a lot of the methods in there are worth a try. I made an effort to change the way I dealt with and responded to him and his behaviour, I repaired our relationship and things are a lot better now. Not perfect, but they never will be with a child like this and once you lower your demands and expectations of them and acknowledge the good things it does become manageable. Remember we are all human, we all snap and shout and react badly at times, so don't blame yourself, you haven't caused him to be like this. If you need to take time before dealing with him take yourself and the other children out of the house for a while, it gives you all a chance to calm down and then you can go back and talk about what happened, why he behaved how he did and how he could have reacted differently etc. Tomorrow is a new day, every day is a fresh start, deep breaths xx

Thank you so much @icecreamsundae32 and all the other posters who have made helpful suggestions.

I will reread the thread and follow up all the proposals.

So appreciate all your thoughts and posts. Xxx

It’s because the therapist has said it may be you - where did that take you?
Especially as he’s good at school.

I wouldn’t place the blame at your feet - he has two parents!

Is military school an actual option?

My parents sent my DB twenty odd years ago because he was lashing out (only at my father really, he never tormented his siblings) and it did a world of wonder for him. He's a lovely well rounded 41 year old now with a family. And still in the military because clearly that's how he thrives.

Next time he assaults one of you or smashes his room up, ring the Police. He has a horrible attitude and is continuing to do because there is no clear consequences to his actions to the point it actually bothers him. He needs a shock, the Police will do just that.

OP, it also resonates with me too as behaviour consistent with a PDA profile of autism.

There are a fair few parents experiencing similar over on the special needs boards if you want to head over there for more advice (or get this thread moved over).

It can be hard to be picked up, even by professionals, as often children are seemingly highly sociable.

However, this 'masking' takes its toll and they will often then take it out in a safe space (home).

My biggest challenge with DS (10) is his targeting of DD (7).
It's absolutely worse when he's stressed or anxious.

Definitely definitely read The Explosive Child.

Oh and @Cobblersandhogwash my son was a horrendous sleeper as a baby, had severe reflux and colic, loads of allergies, special prescription milk. He screamed and fidgeted constantly, never properly napped. Still a terrible sleeper, even with melatonin he often only sleeps about 5/6 hours can wake up at 2/3am and not go back to sleep and this clearly doesn't help his moods. He has always eaten a healthy varied diet, lots of physical activity and outdoor time. He's always had consistent boundaries and always rebelled. We have a stable home life and good supportive extended family, he has lots of nice things and activities etc. The other two children parented the same and are nothing like him! I knew my son was different from an early age as I worked with children with special needs and had been on lots of courses about autism and adhd but no matter how many children with various needs I looked after and how patient I was with them, nothing can prepare you for your own child having additional needs and the relentless daily battles that creates and the fact life is not simple and the siblings often bear the brunt of it!

I've read so many posts and I've had enough:sometimes we DON'T know what's WRONG with our children and have exhausted all the options when medicine and counseling fail us-It's clear that this child's Parents have tried and tried and tried. She is tired and desperate. This has lasted years and years. OP you'll be better served posting in SN or the teen parenting thread. Call the police when he's violent and beg social services for assistance. He needs a developmental behavioral pediatric assessment-it did wonders for my son.

Oh iggly your post is so unkind

Mine did once. I worked hard at working out what triggered him - this wasn’t about pandering but about understanding.

Count yourself lucky that it was a one-off. What OP went through and is going through sounds horrific. This thread is not the right place for patting ourselves on the back.

Of therapist says it's you I'd be asking why the 3 other children raised the same way (2 of them also boys) weren't and aren't like this.

If it's been going on for so long and you are paying private counselling/private schooling I'd be considering a private developmental paediatrician instead.

That doesn't mean there is something diagnosable but maybe his personality/ way his brain works etc needs a specialist type of input to recognise they need to change.

A lot of private councillors psycho therapists and everyone i know who has used them has been blamed as a parent and told it'll need a very long term therapy and that parents can't be involved.

You need to call social services and explain this situation to them. It is not fair that your other children have to put up with this and tbh, they’ll help you.

Have they tried medication at all?

For you Op. I hope you get the help that you, and he, need.

The military boarding school sounds like a good idea. Everyone is moving anyway and this will give him proper structure.

The worst thing for your other DC would be for him to be around more. Sadly some people just aren't nice.

Military boarding school? No. Is this the sort of person you want in the military? God no. Keep asking for mental health help from GP, mental help agencies. Honestly, he does sound like a psychopath, violent when he doesn’t get his way, violent for the sake of violence, and able to charm people into believing he’s a great fellow. He really has all the earmarks of a psychopath.

I thought PDA too, it seemed to be screaming out from the first post. My daughter had PDA although her destructive behaviour is turned inward towards herself, but she has been absolutely vile to her brother in the past.
She takes sertraline, it has certainly helped the anxiety - it hasnt removed it but it gives her space to think rather than run. She too was perfect at school and in public infront of people, she had enough self awareness for that MOST of the time. Home at times was a very different kettle of fish

Can we PLEASE stop labelling a troubled 14 year old as a psychopath. It is HUGELY irresponsible. Stop it!

I's report behaviour to social services. He is a safeguarding issue. He will become a child protection issue. Your family will get support and he will know what he has done has consequences. For your info social services aren't as scary as they sound (plus he will be eligible for core group meetings and mentoring which could be really valuable. Plus he can have, by law an advocate at his meetings and she/he will make a difference too

PDA is far more likely than psychopathy.
If the school has become more authoritarian he may well be really struggling there. Has his behaviour got worse this year?
Behaviour is a form of communication. He is communicating that he is overwhelmed (telling his sister to Fuck off - was she 'annoying him'?).
He is unable to control his impulse around being beaten on the XBox- maybe technology like that is stimulating to a point that he can't cope?
He attacks his siblings - it may be a way for him to get attention?

I think you need to get a Paediatrician or Psychologist involved - can you pay for a private assessment?

Personally I would be worried about moving abroad with him. Will you know the local language? Enough to discuss psychological issues with them?

I would take him to a clinical psychologist privately if you can find £800...

Op. Please listen. My son was violent from a young age. He is 14 now and whilst he has had a couple if incidents at school he never ever hurts anyone outside of school ( whrere he is often bullied for his ASD) any more and hasn't done for 10 years.

I have often thought if I had other children if have given up on him as he was a very very difficult child for me to parent and I'd have been able to point to my other children and say, look at them it must be his fault not mine as they are fine. I.am.so pleaesed I.was forced to look at myself and see how I contributed to the behaviour.

I am not sure if there is still time as he is so much older than my D's was when I realised I absolutely had to do all of the emotional work. I had to go to him and show him I loved him. I spent time with him and played with him and started to see the good in him and came to love him very very much. Have you read the link in my previous post?

Of course the occasional child is a psychopath but the vast majority or children are like this are like this because soemthing in their behaviour triggers the parents to dislike them.from an early age and the pattern is set.

You have even been told that he is ok by professionals and that maybe you need to look at family dynamics Please try to do family counseling. Just sending him to a psychologist is demonising and scapegoating him. The whole family needs to change the way rationships work within it to save this and to give all of your children a chance to have healthy relationships

I take it he hasn't been assessed by Cahms for ASD? It sounds like a horrendous situation to live in.
My youngest is nearly 12, high functioning autism. He makes family life very difficult most days, intolerable some days. We don't have the aggression but i have friends whose children have PDA and any request, leaving the house, getting ready etc. results in massive meltdowns and aggression. My friends son is now 13 and on medication and this has really helped.
I think you have to keep a log of every incident, secretly record if you can and you will have to make a huge fuss with GP/camhs. Demand further help and assessments.