I’m 35 - shall I settle?

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Time is ticking. Shall I settle to have the family I’ve always wanted?

Are you with someone?

Depends on what you call settle. Is he kind, loving but vanilla?

No, if you want a baby then use a donor. I’d hate to think my son or daughter was used for a baby and their partner only settled for them as they wanted that and not actually them.

Def depends on what you're settling for.

Safe, nice but not butterflies or an arse who expects you to do it all and treats you like crap. And do you love them or just want their sperm and cash

I’m single. I can’t even find someone I like enough to date. Loads of interest in real life from undesirable men. Hardly any interest from men I would consider on online dating. I am hardly meeting anyone in real life as I work with mostly women (and older married men). Honestly feel like bursting into tears. Time is running out and it looks like I’ll have to settle majorly or be alone or find the right guy when it’s too late to have babies. I can’t go it alone.

Totally depends what you mean.
If you don’t love him, then no.
If there are annoying traits they will honestly only get worse.
If you had a ticklist (salary, handsomeness, shape of hands etc) as some people like to draw up, then potentially...

In your position, and knowing what I know now about how many relationships fail after having children, then yes I would.

These threads come up periodically on MN and I always think - poor bloke. Because posters are rarely honest with their (potential) partner that they’re ‘settling’. I just find it distasteful TBH. Fair enough to get married and have children with someone ‘good enough’ if you’re both aware that’s what’s going on. But to basically decide that you’re going to marry and have children with someone unsuspecting chap because they tick just enough boxes to be acceptable seems cold.

Maybe change your job or take a break from work and go travelling and see if you meet someone that way ? Or maybe give someone a chance who you think is "undesirable" but no don't use some one for kids that's immoral.

You’re not just choosing a partner. You’re choosing a father for your child. If there’s someone who’s ok looking, decent, responsible and hard working, who’s a good companion but just doesn’t give you “butterflies” - then I’d settle for that at 35. But I wouldn’t settle for someone who’d be a bad father.

Can you ask all your friends and relatives and colleagues if they know any single men who are looking to settle down? My sister recently matchmade 2 friends of hers who were late 30s and desperate to settle down. It's worked out well!

Depends in what way you’re ‘settling’?

You're only 35 you've not even mentioned a social life don't you have one? Socialising = meeting people

In the end we all settle really - we choose a partner whose flaws we can accept because their good outweighs the bad. Nobody goes into marriage thinking their partner is perfect, do they?

If you have to settle majorly, I would not advise it at all. At the very least, you have to respect this person. Otherwise, you risk putting your child through a messy break up.

I would go for donor sperm, but it is by no means an easy route. It is tough to be a single parent. Do you have family support for this?

Mycatatetherat - I’m inclined to agree (and I think the same goes both ways).
I think a lot of start life with a foolish idealised concept of what the perfect partner would be. But the reality of most human beings doesn’t live up to that and we “settle” for someone we love and whose idiosyncrasies we can live with.

Donny settle for someone you don't even want to date.

Would you consider a donor?

In terms of settling, I guess I mean marrying and having babies with someone I fall madly in love with. It's only happened twice in my entire life, 12 years between each, so I don't think I'm on course to meet someone to feel that way about again. But I have been with men who I did like, and perhaps even love, but wasn't 'in love' with. Nice companionship, and they would have made good dads. Just makes me so depressed. Then again, how many people end up in fairy tale relationships? More than half fail, and the rest - well, you just need to read the threads on here to know what goes on!

I've become so cynical

To be honest, I don't think I could 'settle' for someone I didn't feel that way about. It'd be too gut wrenching for me.

So I guess that's my dream of babies and a family with a man I truly love gone out the window.

I wouldn't consider going it alone with a donor. It'd be way too difficult for me as a single mum, emotionally and financially.

But I have been with men who I did like, and perhaps even love, but wasn't 'in love' with. Nice companionship, and they would have made good dads.

They sound like reasonable marriage material and baby daddies.

Apart from my teenage and early twenties, the earth has not moved for me and those who did set my on fire I knew were not suitable for long term relationships. The madly in love thing may be linked to hormones. The older you are, the less likely you will meet some who will make you light up like a glitter ball. They might be a biological reason behind this.

So I guess that's my dream of babies and a family with a man I truly love gone out the window.

It is just a dream.

It does sound like you have expectations which are on the high side.

Hat online dating sites are you using? How often are you meeting up? How picky are you being?

I'm a few years older, so my best friend must have met her partner at about 35. She reframed what she was looking form. Stopped looking for her type physically but fancies him now because of their connection. Stopped focusing on his career trajectory and concentrated on his personality etc. Marry next year, she'll be 38 and they'll be straight on to kids.

It can happen.

So she's settled in that she's lowered her expectation to a good, honest man she can love and who loves her in return, bit she's not settled for any old arse hole who'll get her pregnant ifysim

blueshoes High expectation to fall in love and marry? Blimey did I have it wrong all along All my friends who have married seem very much in love. I'm one of the few left.

SleepingStandingUp I'm on several sites, so are my single girlfriends, and we're all attractive and nice and interesting people - yet there isn't much interest for any of us. It wasn't like this dating back in the day. I can only assume men are going for younger women, and it is a wading pool. There isn't much coming up, and I'm being picky in that I reject the guys who I know I couldn't possibly see myself with. I went on a date the other week with a guy I thought I'd give a go, and he admitted to cheating on his long term partner on the first date!!!

I have to be honest, it's mostly just really odd looking guys or creeps who send dick pics. It's not working for me or my friends...

And I don't think my expectations are that high. Last year, I was with a guy who had no job, no money, never had a gf etc.