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Original poster

I’m 35 - shall I settle?

253 replies

toffeeapple123 · 20/07/2019 21:01

Time is ticking. Shall I settle to have the family I’ve always wanted?

OP posts:
Original poster
toffeeapple123 · 21/07/2019 11:09

1300cakes I'm so glad I don't know any men aged up to 45 who wouldn't consider dating above 25. I wouldn't want to date a man with that kind of mindset anyway - imagine what they'd be like! Many of my male friends are in 30s and dating women in 40s.

OP posts:
YesQueen · 21/07/2019 11:12

@Longtalljosie yeah funnily he didn't mention his drinking when we started dating Wink
I noticed it, and I'm a bit weird about drink having grown up in pubs/restaurants
Then he said oh no I'm not an alcoholic, I just work hard and like a drink ha (heard that one before)
After I realised he drank every night I ended it as it wasn't something I wanted to be around and he liked drink more than me

1300cakes · 21/07/2019 11:29

Many of my male friends are in 30s and dating women in 40s.

Ah well that's positive. I guess there are good guys out there, I probably just haven't met any of them.

But you can't deny that men wanting to date younger is a common thing and I think it's more common with OLD. As you can just set your parameters to "age 25-30" or whatever and not see people outside that. Whereas meeting people in real life is different.

Original poster
toffeeapple123 · 21/07/2019 11:30

1300cakes I don't know any large age gaps among my circle of friends. And yes i don't deny that OLD men will look for much younger, but younger don't look for that much older.

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IABUQueen · 21/07/2019 11:36

I just think not all homes are built on head over heals type of love..

And not all head over heals love results in a stable home

But what you can be sure of is you will feel deep love with your child.. and you would want a secure home for them...

So long as you can “love” and “adore” and be “friends” with their father they will prosper... and if their father is a good father and decent husband, you will feel happy with your marriage and life and that might pave the way for greater love..

So I would say, look for marriage material husband who doesn’t repulse you.

That “spark” has no indication for the future and very likely it will result in hurt feelings and from experience I think partners who believe they need to “work hard to grow the bond” tend to be most successful at it than those who think the spark resolved it for them and they can retire

Original poster
toffeeapple123 · 21/07/2019 11:38

So I would say, look for marriage material husband who doesn’t repulse you.

I don't mean to be difficult, but I find it difficult to have sex with the vast majority of men who do repulse me tbh

Maybe I'm in too much of a negative mindset to be dating

But I'd given myself a year off, and time is running out

Instead of pressuring myself and ending up with the wrong person, maybe I should just let go of my family dream

OP posts:
IABUQueen · 21/07/2019 11:40

I think love comes in all shapes and forms.

You might be looking for something too specific, something that’s not meant for you... and perhaps, something that’s not even best for u

Original poster
toffeeapple123 · 21/07/2019 11:41

IABUQueen Perhaps. I don't find many men attractive to even have sex with and procreate with. Maybe this is nature's way of telling me that I am not meant to have babies

OP posts:
TinklyLittleLaugh · 21/07/2019 11:47

Or maybe you like women?

IABUQueen · 21/07/2019 11:47

I don't mean to be difficult, but I find it difficult to have sex with the vast majority of men who do repulse me tbh

But of course we all do!. I meant open up your chances to see type of men who are “stable home” material, and who don’t physically look repulsive to u and you can picture yourself being intimate with them.

Or as a start who you can picture yourself laughing with.. who you want to be there for when they’re down.

Also from the choices of men you mentioned before, jobless, no ambition and unstable mentally... I’m inclined to wonder whether you are attracted to a certain type of men due to your own history/childhood... if there is a void you are trying to fill under the name of “true love”.. and that void might not be what you “need”.

Some of us come from dysfunctional families and unstable fathers or abandoning mothers and have little self worth.. and can be looking for something specific in a relationship which makes us feel “needed” and it might result in us eliminating stable men and looking for man-child type.

Perhaps your void for a child might be making you look for someone that you feel you can “care for” and make a difference to their life?

I could be wrong... sorry in advance.. but I’m giving an example in how sometimes our own definition of “true love” and how a spark comes about is the actual problem

Original poster
toffeeapple123 · 21/07/2019 11:49

TinklyLittleLaugh Honestly wish I could be a lesbian

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Original poster
toffeeapple123 · 21/07/2019 11:51

IABUQueen Don't be sorry, these are all valid suggestions. I grew up in a very loving and stable family. My first love, we were too young. We are still friends, and both very successful. The guy last year, while I fell for him, he turned out to be awful. And i was rebounding which didn't help. I'm not usually into men who I need to rescue - I find it a turn off to be honest. And the other 'nice men' - well, I couldn't stand not feeling much for them so I left. I'd rather be alone than in a lifeless, dull, loveless relationship.

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blueshoes · 21/07/2019 12:00

We are still friends, and both very successful.

How is being "successful" relevant. Does status come as part of your criteria?

I ask because some of my friends married men who were good on paper but turned out to be arseholes. If you set status as one of your criteria (and unconsciously you only want to couple with those sorts), you might be at higher risk of ending up in a dysfunctional relationship because the pool is much more limited and the chances of ending up with an entitled selfish person higher.

blueshoes · 21/07/2019 12:02

If you were a lesbian, would you still need the butterflies in the stomach in order to marry and have children with your partner?

IdaBWells · 21/07/2019 12:03

Since my earlier post I did a bit more digging on matchmakers. Why they are pricey is because everything is offline. They are out there looking and meeting men in real life to find serious potential matches for you and that takes graft. There are other matchmakers that are cheaper and still very successful but still around 3-4k. Personally I would see that as a good investment if you found a life partner and were able to still have children. Think of the money you will be spending if you need to go the IVF route or parent alone, that will all be expensive.

If you find a partner it will be someone financially viable, as you would have asked the matchmaker to screen for that so your household income would increase. I personally would go this route if you are serious about wanting to find someone.

IABUQueen · 21/07/2019 12:05

hmmmm difficult one..

So if you really want a family and a child... and the only reason you haven’t tried for a baby is that you don’t want to raise a child alone..

Wouldn’t you be happy enough to raise a baby with a “friend” who loves that child just as much as you do.

If the lack of spark results in repulsion over time and you end up leaving each other, at least you will be sure that you can be “friends” as exes.. and your child has 2 good parents.. and you won’t look after the child alone. As the guy would be good enough and stable enough to also want to be part of the child’s life ??

Is your fear of a marriage breaking stopping you from taking the risks that many of us do ?

IdaBWells · 21/07/2019 12:08

Mutual Attraction have a very good reputation of success and they are more in the 4k price range.
www.mutualattraction.co.uk/

Original poster
toffeeapple123 · 21/07/2019 12:11

blueshoes I mentioned successful, in ref to the guy I dated last year, who had never had a job, no money, never had a gf etc

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Original poster
toffeeapple123 · 21/07/2019 12:12

blueshoes I would need to feel love and be in love with them to settle down, yes

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Original poster
toffeeapple123 · 21/07/2019 12:13

IdaBWells Thank you! I do wonder how successful these agencies are though - and not scams? There is no guarantee and it's SO much money

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IdaBWells · 21/07/2019 12:13

Their prices are up to 9 month membership 3,950 and 9-12 months 4,900. You have a 1 to 1 matchmaker who works to find you meaningful matches for a long term relationship.

Original poster
toffeeapple123 · 21/07/2019 12:13

IABUQueen I haven't tried because I haven't met the right guy to take that risk with

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IdaBWells · 21/07/2019 12:18

Well maybe you could call them and meet with them and see if they can convince you before you part with any money. I know very successful matchmakers in religious communities so I don't see why non-religious matchmaking wouldn't work? The main thing is people come to a matchmaker once they are serious and ready to settle down which is half the battle - no time wasters. Personally when I was young I knew many men who wanted to settle down, I had two proposals before I met my husband, so those men are out there. The good ones are going to be busy building careers and businesses and struggling to find the time to meet serious partners.

IdaBWells · 21/07/2019 12:21

They say on their website that half the population in London between 20-55 are single! So there has to be rich pickings out there.

IdaBWells · 21/07/2019 12:25

They have an initial meeting with no obligation. If you sign up you have a 14 day cooling off period for you to change your mind and receive a full refund.

Most of their matches are through word of mouth and networking. Everything is offline so how would you meet these individuals otherwise?

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