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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I’m 35 - shall I settle?

253 replies

toffeeapple123 · 20/07/2019 21:01

Time is ticking. Shall I settle to have the family I’ve always wanted?

OP posts:
TeachesOfPeaches · 20/07/2019 22:47

Some advice I read in a column once 'Never marry the man you had the best sex with'.

toffeeapple123 · 20/07/2019 22:55

BizzzzyBee I know what married life is about Smile I don't have a rose tinted view at all. My mum and dad have been married for over 35 years - they're still very much in love and did/do all those things you wrote in your post. I'm not trying to go for a 10/10. I know the perfect person doesn't exist. We all have to compromise. But what I don't want to compromise is to love and be in love with my partner. Those butterfly feelings don't ever last, that's not what I'm talking about.

OP posts:
toffeeapple123 · 20/07/2019 22:56

TeachesOfPeaches Haha that made me laugh! The nice guys I was with before, the chemistry was never there, and the sex stopped after 1.5-2 years. Sigh.

OP posts:
IABUQueen · 20/07/2019 23:00

You should be attracted to them, or at least not put off by them. Find them slightly handsome??.

You should be able to talk to them and not feel miserable around them.

You should be able to like them. Care for them. Possibly develop love for them..

But you don’t really need to be in love with them.. it’s one of those things that if you fake it you can make it.

And I second the advice that, he needs to be good dad material and that might alone make you fall in love later.

toffeeapple123 · 20/07/2019 23:01

IABUQueen Good advice. It's just that I'm not even meeting half decent men. Is it my age - mid 30s? I'm really at a loss.

OP posts:
Closetbeanmuncher · 20/07/2019 23:10

Dont ever settle, keep you standards high and wait for whats right.
I think you would be surprised as a lot of these "blissfully happy" relationships are a bag of shit behind closed doors.

IABUQueen · 20/07/2019 23:13

No. I think you are at an age where you are more aware Andrew logical and so the day dreaming and butterflies aren’t as intense and love has a totally different meaning.. as it should.

Most people who marry them divorce, when they look for a new partner they’re a lot more logical and... they only fall in love when things align logically for them and they realise they have a good catch.

You are waiting for the intense spark that you had when younger. In reality, just like with babies, there is this initial moment of compassion maybe (and maybe not for many mums) but the bond develops with time when you end up putting effort and seeing it reap benefits and align well with what “should” happen.

Obviously though you do need to not feel repulsed by him and have some sense of attraction to him whether physically or intellectually and be able to respect his contribution to your life because intimacy and respect are important elements for that bond to grow.

You see some mothers, don’t feel a bond at all with their own children at birth and beyond. There are many factors for that, including pnd and so on. The advice is usually to fake it until they make it, and that it will eventually come naturally. That’s because your child logically has not given you a reason to not be loved.

So marry someone who is worthy of your compassion, worthy of your respect, worthy of your love... and that you are attracted to.. and then wait for the bond to build. Until then, fake it till you make it.

MMmomDD · 20/07/2019 23:34

OP, you are not wrong thinking your age has something to do with your success on a dating market.
Mid 30s is the worst for women out there. Most men in your target age group want to date to eventually meet a long term partner, BUT they don’t like the pressure the ticking fertility clock puts on women in mid 30s. Men fear they’ll be pressured into a commitment before they are ready, and would rather not get to that situation....
I was you at some point of my life. Dreamed of love. Fell head over heals twice, with about 10years in between those...
Ask yourself these questions. Why didn’t it work with those loves? Why didn’t you be up married and blissfully happy with one of those?
The answer in my case was that that crazy in love feeling wasn’t really a good basis for a long term relationship that a marriage/family is.
In some ideal world - you get that crazy in love feeling with a guy who also happens the best partner for daily life / raising kids. Chick flicks cover that genre.
Back on planet Earth - most of us end up “settling” for someone who is hopefully a good partner in normal boring life; who is a friend; and who we are attracted to, sans butterflies.

toffeeapple123 · 20/07/2019 23:55

Glad you understand my position MMmomDD So what happened to you? Did you find someone to settle with?

I felt like I couldn't commit to those nice guys I was with, but didn't fall in love with. They were more like a friend, than a man I could consider settling down with.

OP posts:
MMmomDD · 21/07/2019 00:12

OP - i meant that you should ask yourself why the ‘happy ever after’ didn’t happen with the men you DID fall in love with....
And also think why you are looking to repeat that pattern.

In my case I realised that the way I fall in love leads to a lot of emotional ups/downs, and it isn’t a great basis for anything long term. And surely not for bringing children into.
So - I decided to find a partner with whom I can build a family and a future; a place where I can be safe and secure; even if not ecstatic or drunk on love.

toffeeapple123 · 21/07/2019 00:14

The first guy - we were both too young. The last guy, last year, turned out to be abusive.

How old are you btw?

OP posts:
MMmomDD · 21/07/2019 00:15

As I said before - some (few) are lucky to meet a person who fits them in day-to-day boring life AND makes their heart race.
But for many - these two things don’t come in a nice package of one person....
And - if course - marrying that perfect person still doesn’t guarantee that things won’t go pear shaped after many years and a few kids

toffeeapple123 · 21/07/2019 00:19

I don’t disagree!

I just find it so hard to meet someone who I can spend a lot of time with, and have an enjoyable sexual relationship with

I can’t force myself

Why is it so hard? Many people are onto their second marriages by now - I can’t even find a guy to date!

OP posts:
MMmomDD · 21/07/2019 00:21

At you age, OP - you sort of need to make a choice -
Hang on to chasing the dream of finding that unicorn of a man - the one you will be head over heals over...
Or...
Chose to have a family. Reassess your approach and requirements from potential partner. Find that good enough man who also wants to build a family. Etc

toffeeapple123 · 21/07/2019 00:22

Yep, if I can just find one remotely decent guy to date, that would be a good first step.

OP posts:
toffeeapple123 · 21/07/2019 00:23

Looks like I’m going to have to make a choice to settle. Brilliant.

OP posts:
toffeeapple123 · 21/07/2019 00:25

Don’t think I can force myself to be with someone I don’t love. Maybe counselling to overcome my grief of not having a family with a man I love might be the best route. I can’t even find a remotely decent man to date, who isn’t married or sending me a dick pic. Maybe it is time to accept its game over and to take the pressure off.

OP posts:
MMmomDD · 21/07/2019 00:26

thing is, OP - people who are on their second marriages - are, most likely, not ‘luckier’ than you in some ways.
They probably approach relationships differently. And, possibly, have different expectations of their partners or the relationships themselves.
It is, of course, your right to be picky and demanding. Just makes it harder.

YesQueen · 21/07/2019 00:27

I hear you. 35 here, single for a fairly long time. I've never had a LTR really, longest was about 9 months
Recently got back into dating and he ghosted me Hmm previous one before that was 2015 and I ended it over his drinking (he drank every night, 2 bottles of wine and I didn't want that)
I'm at a slightly different stage I think, was v hurt by the recent guy and I don't want to get burned again, but I'm also fat and unattractive which means I'm the invisible woman. Men don't notice me at all

toffeeapple123 · 21/07/2019 00:30

Thing is, I’m not even picky or demanding. Last year i fell for a man who had severe mental health problems, no money, no job, no prospects. But things just clicked and I fell for him. See? If anything I don’t have a criteria, i had an open mind and it just worked - for a short while before he became abusive.

I find it absurd that people think I’m expecting too much...

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toffeeapple123 · 21/07/2019 00:32

YesQueen sorry to hear of your bad experiences. I’ve got loads of bad stories from OLD as well. Some really awful men out there. And I’m sure you’re not unattractive! I’d say keep going - maybe less focus on OLD though, are there any hobbies/groups you can join?

OP posts:
MMmomDD · 21/07/2019 00:33

OP - in your place - if I went to counselling - i’d Instead try to understand what it is that you associate with that idea of ‘love’....
For me, for example - love almost always came with certain amount of pain. And insecurity; and fear of losing it.
Being loved in a secure way always made me get bored and walk away. At least when I was younger, that was the case....

You sound like you are still grieving when down because of your last relationship. Counselling in some shape or form might help with that.

blueshoes · 21/07/2019 00:34

blueshoes High expectation to fall in love and marry? Blimey did I have it wrong all along confused All my friends who have married seem very much in love. I'm one of the few left.

Your criteria is madly in love. That is unrealistic if you have so little time and you want kids but with no partner prospects in sight. Many posters, not just me, have said solid father material you like (not love) is good enough and actually goes the distance more than a hormonally driven relationship.

I like the poster who said marriage with kids is more like running a very small non-profit nursery. So true. You want someone who will tag team with you and pulls his own weight much more than someone you want to tear the clothes off from.

Marriage is long, just like life. Love grows.

toffeeapple123 · 21/07/2019 00:35

I had counselling last year. Therapist said I’m emotionally healthy and no issues 😄

I think the issue is the lack of men. Tonnes of interest from undesirable and married men in real life. And hardly any interest from even remotely decent men online.

I don’t think the issue is me or how I love.

OP posts:
toffeeapple123 · 21/07/2019 00:37

blueshoes no, not madly in love. but I know I need to feel in love, or at least some kind of spark. I know real love grows over time. I see it around me.

I know - deep down - I can’t be with a man who I see only as a friend. It doesn’t develop for me if that initial feeling isn’t there. I’ve tried it with three men. It simply doesn’t work for me.

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