I’m 35 - shall I settle?

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Time is ticking. Shall I settle to have the family I’ve always wanted?

Thing is, you can love someone, adore someone, be head over heels for someone. And then, if you are fortunate enough that a child comes along, you would throw that someone under a bus without hesitation for your child.

If you are lucky enough to have children, they become the loves of your life. Though I’ve noticed that childless couples often seem to have developed that very deep connection with each other instead.

If you go it alone for a child, you’ll have plenty of love. And who’s to say a nice man might not come along later.

Have you tried some of the paid dating websites? Like eharmony or match. I tend to find people are a bit more serious on those sometimes eg. not sending random dick pics. I've met a few decent guys on those sites. The type to settle down with and have a family.

So maybe I should just resign to giving up my dream of having a baby with a man I love. It seems that’s not achievable for most people and they settle. It’s just a shame, that’s how my mum and dad are, and how they raised me. Maybe some therapy to come to terms with that, rather than setting for something/someone with whom I know it won’t work with. I’ve tried several times with men to see if it might develop - it never did. and I don’t want to be a single mum.

Thing is, I’m not even picky or demanding. Last year i fell for a man who had severe mental health problems, no money, no job, no prospects. But things just clicked and I fell for him. See? If anything I don’t have a criteria, i had an open mind and it just worked - for a short while before he became abusive. I find it absurd that people think I’m expecting too much...

In that situation, you were not expecting too much. You were right to walk away. But you used the criteria of falling for him as the litmus test to get involved when personally I would not knowing the other factors (even before he became abusive).

As I too fussy or are you lowering your standards by using spark as the test whereas you should be proceeding in a more measured way and keeping an open mind about whether the love and affection develops even if there is no initial spark.

Flower32 yes tried them all. Been OLD on and off for a decade. The dating landscape has changed though, it’s far more focused on hook ups now, and fewer men are on the more traditional and serious dating sites as a result. And at my age, the interest is wading...

I know what you mean about friendships not developing into love. I am the same.

But ... there is a middle ground between friend zone and head over heels falling over in love. It is the love and affection that develops over time and comes from respecting him as a person and valuing his intellect and values, even if your stomach does not flip (initially).

blueshoes I was in long term relationships with three men who were nice and I thought the love/spark would develop, but it never did and I couldn’t live like that - even with a baby. All these men turned into platonic friends for me. After those experiences, I vowed never to get involved without some kind of spark or chemistry being there initially. I’m not asking for intense feelings or love at first sight or anything. Trust me when I say I’m not demanding much...
If anything this thread is making me quite sure it’s game over for me and I should quit and not settle and just be alone.
It pains me beyond belief, to give up my dream of a husband and family, but I’d rather not settle and be absolutely miserable. Because I know that’s what will happen if I go down this route.

Please don't settle for a man you don't love, for the purpose of breeding, its incredibly cruel to the man to be with a woman who doesn't really want him just his semen.

Yes it would also be very cruel for me as well

Last year i fell for a man who had severe mental health problems, no money, no job, no prospects. But things just clicked and I fell for him
If you want kids I don’t understand why you’d even bother with such a man in the first place. He’s not a suitable father or a stable life partner, you couldn’t ever have married him and had a family. I agree with the pp who said you shouldn’t be using a “spark” as the litmus test for whether to go out with someone. You need much more practical criteria. You don’t have time to waste going out with anyone who wouldn’t be a good father.

Yes when I determined he was a dead end, I walked...but I didn’t know that initially. I kept an open mind.

This makes me sad. no one should have to settle. But I does seem that women who want children may do so.

My db married recently. It is his second marriage after a 6 year marriage in his 20s. I think his first marriage failed as they grew apart professionally and socially, different interests and hobbies.

He has now married an older single mum with 2 primary school aged children. He seemed to have wanted to bypass the women in their 30s who were wanting to have families. And he would have been considered to have good father/husband traits (good job, financial stability and his interests/hobbies are also quite family friendly for a man in his early 30s) I think this may have been a wise choice for him as it means that all cards were on the table for him and his new wife, they both were marrying each other for each other.

I would be heart broken to know the (future) wives of my brothers and my sons were marrying to settle and not for love. And I would worry about the longevity of such marriages. I think if you are you do need to be 100% honest about that but revealing your true feelings would be a double edged sword. Very difficult choices.

I think it would be best to go it alone or find a male friend who also wants children and arrange a plutonic parenting partnership of some kind.

Have you tried things like local sports clubs? Tennis club, running/walking club that kind of thing. I'm in a similar boat at 33. I've had a few unexpected health problems recently though so I'm not focusing on dating at the moment. Try to make the most of your life now. Who knows you may look back on this time in a few years and wish you hadn't worried so much.

HappyInMyCave I’d rather be alone than go with a friend or donor, thanks.

Glad it worked out for your brother.

I wouldn’t want to settle either, this thread has helped me to see that.

Flower32 lovely post thank you 😊 I still appreciate optimism even though I’ve become a full blown cynic. I joined a couple of sporting clubs. Been to one event - several men seemed to like me, but they weren’t for me.

I don't think you need to debate shall I settle- as there is no guy on your current horizon proposing marriage and babies who you don't fancy- so this is a made up dilemma.

I think there's every chance you'll meet someone both nice and attractive with a spark. Remember a lot of guys want to settle down a bit later now- many in London are still playing the field into their forties and it does get very tiresome, but realistically many aren't ready to marry/have babies much earlier. A dating agency could be a good idea- you say it's £7000 and you dont' have that- but if that were the price of marriage/babies, wouldn't you consider even trying to obtain that? A loan? A friend? Find a bit of a cheaper one? It seems quite cheap if you look at it that way (rather than comparing it to free/cheap dating sites full of hook-up seeking men).

If OLD in its current form isn't working for you, I'd take a break and try something different. I don't think you need to reconcile yourself to not having marriage/babies yet, it's hard work though and doesn't just happen in a natural way sometimes!

I joined a couple of sporting clubs. Been to one event - several men seemed to like me, but they weren’t for me.- the event or the men? Seems a bit drastic to conclude there's no hope of meeting someone if you only went to one event- it's being around people, getting to know them, meeting their friends as well that provides more openings to different types of people than those posting dick pics.

Nearlyalmost50 thank you xx

Interestingly my (male) friend in Australia is 36, keen to settle down and have kids, is an ex Olympic GB athlete (now injured) funny nice guy with professional job (engineer) and money he's invested sensibly from working hard. And... He just gets random women on OLD, looking for a short term thing and no one wanting to settle down. He's set his age limits to 25 to 40. He has been married and is now divorced, maybe that's why he's struggling. I told him he should make more of a deal of wanting kids on his profile to attract more women of the settling down type, but he doesn't want to wear it on his sleeve, he'd rather just have it as something to talk about a few dates in. Just interesting to hear the other side.

I reckon join a sports club where men outnumber women by a huge number. It worked for me and I think every other girl in the club has also got together with one of the (many) blokes. Might be due to the sporting hobby itself too which lends itself to weekends away as a club and nurturing beginners and rescuing people if it all goes wrong. V good way of getting to know people properly when in slightly stressful situation with risk, having to trust each other as a team...

These are my observations of available single men in their 30s/40s over the last few years. Family members, friends of dh and my own friends of many years. Most would be considered highly desirable as husbands.

Those who have settled down and married recently have found their partners at work or they knew them many years ago.

Is there a possibility of moving into a new workplace with more men?

A lot of these men work hard and actually have little time outside of their work. They don't join tennis clubs or running clubs. Their work interests them so naturally they gravitate to women who share this commonality.

Have you got an upper age limit on your online dating requirements? Someone who said dating as a woman mid thirties has it. You might need to consider a bigger age gap if you want to broaden your horizons.

Don’t be with someone for the wrong reasons. It’s horribly unfair to them. My ex did this to be (he turned out to be gay) and I spent 18 years wondering why he didn’t seem to love me. It was soul destroying.

LellyMcKelly it would be highly unfair to me as well - read above I wouldn’t be able to force myself to be with someone who I don’t love.

user27495824 upper limit is 45, but there are hardly any men over the age of 39 from what I can see. online dating isn’t working for me