I’m 35 - shall I settle?

[toffeeapple123]

Time is ticking. Shall I settle to have the family I’ve always wanted?

DH is suggesting stalking him at work. I'm like, "er..NO!".

You just have an absolutely perfect excuse as someone else told you about him!

I personally wouldn't say "I think I'm interested" etc.

Actually you are right. I think you phrased it better.

Toffee, Ill Wait for others to comment on your informal message but i’m generally into being formal until you know the guy. Just gives everyone space to keep boundaries until you clear away the big questions... and leaves room for an easy exit with no humiliation.

But I’m boring like that. I told my husband in our first meeting “I don’t want to emotionally invest even though I like you until I’m sure I have my main questions answered”... apparently he really liked that about me 😂.

But might not work for everyone else

Looks can go a long way (see the impression his photos had on you ) so I actually wouldn't worry too much or overthink what to say. Make sure somehow he sees a very nice photo of you and if the attraction is mutual he will respond.

But do it, because if he truly is a catch and is looking he won't be single for long.

I just don’t know what to say....
Maybe I can make up a question

The harsh truth is that the pool gets smaller as you age. The people that are more ready to commit or compromise get married and the remaining pool has people who are more fussy/more complicated/less desirable, so the odds are lower. Men want women in 20's if they are 35 themselves if they are on an internet site.....you could try for older men? Or join a local meet up group and try and meet people the old fashioned way. I met my OH at 34 and I felt old at the time....the pool was thinning out then and I got extremely lucky indeed. You are not wrong and there are more marriagiable women than men...

I’m sorry but a lot of this advice is ridiculous. Just add him on Facebook, message him saying “hey” and if he replies have a conversation.

Don’t just out of the blue say “I’m interested in getting to know you” or something equally forward to someone you’ve not had a conversation with! You need to play it a bit cooler than that.

If you start messaging him on Facebook it’s obvious you fancy him. Just be friendly. I’ve done it before, men who fancy me who I’ve eventually dated started talking to me on Facebook. Again it’s obvious why but if there first interaction with me was basically asking me out I’d find it weird.

It sounds like a kind of meetup where people are hoping to meet others. I would just mention which meetup you went to and what it was about so he knows you are genuine and it adds to the message a bit more.

So how are you going to contact him? Is it through the meetup group online? Also be confident, even if he is gorgeous he still has to do the awkward attempt at connecting to someone he finds attractive. I am sure he will be very flattered that you reached out to him. The only way this could go wrong is if he is a jerk and then it's better to know immediately. But he seems to have made a good impression on other group members ....

Are you gonna send something tomorrow?

I know I am an old bird but I would not want to "Hey" a total stranger. I agree you don't need to say much but the meetup group does give you a connection.

I would only "hey" someone who already knew me or knew of me.

First impressions are lasting impressions. If your first contact is super casual and no more than "hey" people can read that differently. If a man made zero effort except "Hey" I would see him as arrogant. But I know I am an ancient old crone All I have in my favour is I am happily married 23 yrs and I also had a couple of other proposals before I met DH. I would say I have good instincts.

My honest advice to you would be to join a choir, whether you can sing or not. In London there are choirs that sing only pop/rock songs, welcome people with no singing experience (or ability), they meet up once or more a week and socialise after their rehearsals. Do a google search. They're full of people our age looking to meet people and you get the chance to get to know someone rather than judging from a computer screen whether or not you want to go on a date. My sister's husband runs a choir and several babies have been born as a result.

I definitely think you should message him...

But interestingly, my sister is 37, she's on online dating sites in London and she's fed up because she says all of the men want to get married and have kids. She doesn't want kids and says they all think they will be able to change her mind.

I think you need to go on more dates. As long as they're not sending you dick pics or have arsehole profiles then go on a date. I would never have picked my dh from his online dating profile and I did see it once!! We met through friends, he's amazing, but he wasn't my "type" on paper. I didn't fall in love with him immediately either but he's the love of my life (10 years on). Give some of the weird looking ones a chance

RNBrie which online dating sites is she using?

Thing is, I’m not even picky or demanding. Last year i fell for a man who had severe mental health problems, no money, no job, no prospects. But things just clicked and I fell for him.

Often people with a certain types of mental health problems, such as narcissism, seem more charming and attractive than regular boring more stable people. They have a higher chance of generating the intense initial desire you seem to need.

Can we just clarify something here?

Given the mention of rejecting “odd looking guys”, men who “repulsed” you and the focus on this new guy being a “super hot”, can we assume there’s a fairly rigorous filtering system based on physical attributes?

I know you said the no-job guy proved status didn’t matter. However, if you’re setting a certain level of physical perfection as a standard then, yes, options are going to be a bit limited...

Sorry, didn't RTWT, but enough to form a reasonable impression of what you want. You have way more time to find a nice man than to have babies. If you want a baby, then that needs to be your priority. Plan for it financially and recruit help. Mr Right, in all his permutations, may well arrive, as he did for me, when I was 49, and my kids from marriage no 1 were grown up. And believe me, sex only gets better with age.

Never settle you will just be unhappy for the rest of your life.

The more you focus on how you are 'running out of time' the more desperate you will appear. Even if you try your best to hide it. The only way to catch the attention of someone compatible is to start focusing on enjoying your life. If you are happy with you and your lifestyle and (hopefully work) and really thinking about getting the most from life then you will meet someone who will see the real you and not the version of yourself where you are worried about being alone and 'running out of time'.

From personal experience and experience from all my friends. Focus on your happiness without a partner and the rest will follow. Now go do something that makes you happy!

Yes I agree with Tippletopple that OP does seem very much hung up on looks. It seems a bit shallow. Dismissing so many of the men who are interested as "odd looking", when many of them are probably just average looking. Have an honest look at what your expectations of looks are.

Your expectations are overall very high. Good looking. Professional. Around your own age. Exciting, charming. And capable of generating intense immediate chemistry. I wouldn't spend money on this high priced dating service, because they won't find you a man to meet your requirements. But are you happy? Perhaps you should be satisfied with life as is.

I have been bowled over and off my feet by 2 people in my life. I am married to neither (and never was).

I am married to someone I love. But it’s a different kind of love. I don’t wake up in the morning with that desperation to see him, but if he needed me I’d move water to be there.

A friend of mine was like you. I always told her she was too picky, she always told me there was no point being in a relationship with someone she didn’t like. We were both right. I’m the end she settled and is now madly in love. Doesn’t mean every frog turns out to be a prince, but stop trying to find a prince and it allows you to see what’s more important.

Some people marry the loves of their lives and head off into the sunset and actually do live happily ever after. But they are a small minority. I don’t know any! Most of us live with the ups and downs and ‘realism’ of life.

I’m not hung up on looks at all. What I find hot, many others wouldn’t. But having been in three long term relationships where I liked the guys but I did not fancy them at all, I realise I do need to fancy my partner physically. I’ve spent years in relationships, thinking the love would grow, but it didn’t. It’s mind numbing to be in a relationship where you don’t find your partner attractive even on a basic level and can’t bring yourself to have sex with them. I’ve been there, done that. It doesn’t work for me.

By odd looking guys - if I could take screenshots and add them here, I would. I know you’d all agree with me. Guys half naked, guys staring weirdly into the camera, guys you wouldn’t want to bump into late at night - I show my guy friends and they are in disbelief.

OP are you willing to move? Cast your distance net as wide as possible

Hey OP,

Try not to stress. You literally never know what's around the corner!
I'm younger than you (32) but if someone had told me 2years and 4 months ago that I'd meet the man of my dreams online, have 2 children and be getting married next July I would have laughed in their faces!
(Yes it's all very fast but we both know what we want and had long term shit relationships , we work so well)

I was feeling like I was going to end up alone with my 2 cats, and along he came.

His mum also had him when she was 41- so you could still have 6years op!

Good luck, keep being picky so you find the right one, he is out there xxx

I wouldn’t message someone and say they were cute at your age OP.

Be frank though and say someone had mentioned he was looking for someone and you are too, you attend the same meet ups so must have something in common, so would he like to meet for a drink/coffee?

You say your paths are not likely to ever cross so what have you got to lose?

I get you OP but you are confusing love and sexual attraction. I will add here that I didn’t instantly ‘fancy’ my DH. We got along well as friends and it developed as he pursued me. By the time we got together the sexual attraction was there.

Now we’ve been together over 10 years and married for 7 and 1 DC I do still fancy him ‘enough’ but I love him to bits. We are best friends and a great team.

I agree that the greatest of sparks don’t always turn into the best relationships and for me, fireworks and butterflies = disaster long term.

Well I think you sound pretty grounded and It doesn’t sound like you need therapy to me, like has been suggested a couple of times! I’ve dated many unsuitable men and I think it’s pretty common for most people at some point, especially on the rebound. For what it’s worth, I sent a friend request to my now husband on Fb. I bitterly regretted it for what felt like eternity afterwards - he was a random in my workplace who didn’t even know who I was! He sent me a message a few days later and the rest is history.
I also don’t think you are past it! 35 isn’t old. My sister met her soon to be husband at 36 online, now at 39 she is having a baby. So don’t give up. You sound like a catch to me!

If you're earning well, freeze your eggs.

actually freezing your eggs sounds like a good idea if you want to wait to fall in love head over heals.