I’m 35 - shall I settle?

[toffeeapple123]

Time is ticking. Shall I settle to have the family I’ve always wanted?

I think that expecting to have an intense feeling that you on a serges experience 0.75 times a decade is unreasonably high. Especially if you aren’t wanting to wait. You ultimately have to decide what is more important to you-chasing this feeling if building a real relationship. I’m not saying that you should ‘settle’, merely that it’s unreasonable to expect what you are wanting to actually happen.

You can have a child without a man these days,you could go down those routes.

Sorry just seen you wouldn't want to do that

Most of us divorcees felt those butterflies in the early days, it's not an indication of a good marriage partner!

I did. I’m very happy. No fireworks, not exciting....but I didn’t want that. I wanted dependable faithful and caring.

Honestly, since having kids I have realised that 'being in love' with someone is not necessarily a good indicator of how they fair as a partner in terms of the day to day running of life, how they are with the kids etc. A good father and partner is not necessarily all about fireworks, excitement and romance.

If you don't want to raise kids alone, then really you need someone who you can get along with and have similar values regarding children and family. You can have the most romantic man in the world but if he doesn't want to change a shitty nappy, load the dishwasher or use the washing machine then things will not last long.

I have about 12 couples that I'm close too, family and friends wise. I've counted and 9 of these couples have dcs from previous relationships before finding mr/Mrs right. Myself included. What does that tell you? It tells me that a hell of a lot of us do it differently. I won't say wrong. We have dcs and then it doesn't work out and that's that.

You say you can't manage as a single parent but you could and you would. And you wouldn't regret. No one ever rejects having a child. Mr right can come at anytime.

The fairy tale you have in your head is very rare these days unfortunately

sarahfairy Is it really a fairy tale and too much to want to be in love with the man you marry? Of course he has to be a good partner and future father. Is it really too much to ask? Is this where I've been going wrong?

How many men settle, I wonder?

So basically settle for someone you don't even like? Hmm...no, of course not! And if you could do such a thing then you would not be fit to be a parent in the first place. You know you aren't even really considering it though.

guess that's my dream of babies and a family with a man I truly love gone out the window

Or maybe you should take it as an opportunity, an opportunity to think up a new dream.

Creating another human being isn't going to complete you, it isn't going to make you magically happy and it certainly wont solve an unhappy marriage.

If the choice is be lonely for ever (well, until the kid is grown anyway)
but have a kidor be lonely a bit longer but then find a man who loves me and vice versa and then maybe still have a kid. I'd pick option 2. It's not even a hard decision. Even if having a kid was taken of the table. Because that man is a real person and the child is entirely hypothetical.

Don’t give up! My niece had a healthy child at 45.

OP are you by chance culturally Jewish or Catholic, Hindu or Sikh? Would you be open to paying for a matchmaker so that they can a least pre-screen some potential matches for you? I mentioned these religious groups as they have various matchmaking traditions. I actually consider matchmaking a noble profession, as especially these days it's easy to see the wisdom in the community helping marriage minded singles find each other. Where are you in the country? Is this something you would be willing to financially invest in?

Something like this drawingdownthemoon.co.uk/

No of course it's not too much to ask! Deep down it's what we all want! Ideally i would of met him when I was 20! I'm 33 now and have 3 dcs. 2 to my ex and 2 to dh. Not how I planned it but hey ho.

In some cases we think we've found mr/mrs right....but later down the line, it turns out we haven't.

You feel you are running out of time to have a child, im saying don't settle. As it more than likely wouldn't work out. Don't miss out on becoming a mum whilst waiting for mr right. If he's Mr right then he will love you wether you are a mum or not

IdaBWells I'm an atheist. Thank you for sharing the link. I'd love to sign up to a dating agency, but £7,000 is way beyond my reach!

These threads come up periodically on MN and I always think - poor bloke. Because posters are rarely honest with their (potential) partner that they’re ‘settling’.

Plenty of "poor blokes" settle too...

Don’t despair. I met DH when I was 35 and had Dd at 37 and ds at 39. After years of thinking it would never happen, lots of 2 year relationships that petered out. I didn’t settle. I did carry on doing lots of interesting things and met a lot of people that way. A lot of my friends did similar. When you’re in that depression it’s an awful place and very hard to keep happy. But also it’s not the be all and end all, even though it feels as though it is.

BrendasUmbrella Yeah and read the sheer number of posts on here alone of married men cheating, using prostitutes, being emotionally, physically, financially abusive etc. I may compromise, at best, but I'd never, ever stoop as low as most men would.

Wow I didn't read the details, I'm shocked! Just shows there is a premium on meeting the right person. I was watching the video of the owner talking about how she set it up and she mentioned she has a couple of online agencies, perhaps they are cheaper? I would still check out some thing similar, where are you in the country?

Thank you for your optimism whiteknuckleride2 So glad it worked out for you. How did you meet your partner? I have a very full on job, I work long hours, and hardly meet any men. I've joined a few groups, and met a number of men who clearly liked me through one, but I just didn't feel it for any of them. But most of the time, in my free time, I have to rest or go to the gym! I have very little time to meet anyone, and the men I do meet, I just don't like.

IdaBWells I'm in London

You could try her book as she has successfully matched a lot of people. I would definitely not just settle for a random and be tied together for life because if your child. Maybe what you mean is be more realistic drawingdownthemoon.co.uk/mary-balfour/smart-dating-book/

Lots.and lots of people ' settle'. ( Whatever that means). As long as you choose someone who you admire and respect and who admires and respects you, you have. As much chance as anyone of having a successful relationship in which to bring up.children. You do probably need at least some chemistry or compatibility in the bedroom as well but fireworks and constant butterflies aren't necessary at all in my opinion, or in fact that common.

@toffeeapple123 yes men do settle too. Plenty of them. Men want families and houses and all the trimmings too...

Men aren't commodities. It's someone's life so imagine if you found that YOU were just someone to settle with to have kids with

I have been with men who I did like, and perhaps even love, but wasn't 'in love' with. Nice companionship, and they would have made good dads
This sounds like a good realistic choice for a husband and father.

Truthfully OP, you have a rose tinted view of what married life is about. Once you have kids your marriage is more like running a very small non-profit nursery. One of you will cook while the other plays with the kid and keeps it away from the oven. One of you will poke food in the kid’s mouth while the other picks up the bits thrown on the floor. One of you will hose the kid down in the bath while the other wipes up the puke and poo. One of you will read or do homework with the kid while the other watches the telly. One of you will put the kid to bed while the other sits downstairs alone with a glass of wine. One of you will lie in bed alone while the other attempts to put the kid back to sleep. One of you will take the kid out to the park while the one who was up all night tries to sleep. One of you will babysit so the other can go out. You won’t go out together very often. You won’t snog because there’s a kid in the room. You won’t have sex because you have no privacy and you’re too tired anyway. You need a LIFE PARTNER not a lover.

Then the kid grows up. In the longer term you need someone who’ll do the housework while you’re laid up with a bad back. Who’ll cut your toenails when you can’t reach. Who’ll wash your hair because you’ve broken your wrist and can’t get the cast wet. Who’ll squash a spot on your back that you can’t reach. Who’ll cut the lawn and clean the gutters and repaint the front door. Who’ll be your family when your parents are dead. Who’ll contribute to the mortgage so you have somewhere to live when you’re pensioners. Who’ll wipe your arse when you’re dying of cancer. It’s not about love - it’s about having a partner to help you cope with the practicalities and necessities of life.

My mum told me to settle for a 7/10 while I had the chance, before I got any older and had to settle for a 5/10 or even a 3/10. It was good advice. Ten years later I’m not sure I’d be able to attract my DH now if we weren’t already married.