I’m 35 - shall I settle?

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Time is ticking. Shall I settle to have the family I’ve always wanted?

@BizzzzyBee loved your post! Thanks

I had counselling last year. Therapist said I’m emotionally healthy and no issues

Go on...

Last year i fell for a man who had severe mental health problems, no money, no job, no prospects. But things just clicked and I fell for him. See? If anything I don’t have a criteria, i had an open mind and it just worked - for a short while before he became abusive.

That's not even remotely healthy. You really need to go to a good therapist and make sure you explore the above events. You need to figure out what is going on inside you that would permit you to even entertain giving someone like that the time of day, paticularly when you are at the reproduction crunch time of life and making good choices and not wasting time is crucial.

The answer to broader issues may also be found there and you may find that you are drawn to unavailable/totally unsuitable men and are unconsciously turning away the good ones.

jellyjellyinmybelly

Ooh is it moutaineering?

PicsInRed It’s as simple as I was rebounding First time is gotten into something like that and I was vulnerable and shit happens. I’m out of it now and healthy, is what my very good therapist said

I think your expectations are too high, not of the men, but of how you are going to feel.
It would not be a good idea to settle down with someone unreliable & financially reckless if they have you butterflies. I think some of the most unsuitable men can be very manipulative and induce those butterflies. Keeping you on an emotional rollercoaster with declarations of their love and your beauty and how your not like anyone else they've ever been with...while behaving quite shittily.

It's so hard because we are brought up to believe in that dream of love, but it's not real and it is a barrier to forming a real life long term relationship.

Give not have and you're not your

Remember a lot of guys want to settle down a bit later now- many in London are still playing the field into their forties and it does get very tiresome, but realistically many aren't ready to marry/have babies much earlier.

That's the total opposite to my experience in London. The majority of men I know in their 30s, let alone 40s, are already settled down and either married or in serious relationships. They may not have kids yet but they are most definitely off the market. I know a lot of men (I work in a male dominated industry plus do a fair bit of sport) and the single ones are few and far between.

Kudos to the women who snapped these men up early (when I was busy partying and playing the field dammit) but it's surprising how few men appear to be single. Clearly I was the immature one by not wanting to settle down so early and now my decision has most definitely bitten me in the arse. Like the OP I didn't want to settle and turned down the offers I got. I have moments of regret and wonder what was going through my head at the time. Deep down I know these men were not enough for me and I would have made them miserable in the end and it wouldn't have been fair on them. But I have my moments of wondering what the hell is wrong with me?!

Good luck OP. I do think that not settling is the right thing to do but it's not the easy choice. You have to choose what you can live with and if babies are a dealbreaker for you, that makes your choice so much harder.

Thewheelsarefallingoff so my expectations are too high to expect to be in love? Jeez...that’s so sad. I don’t want to be with a man who I don’t love, who I don’t have some kind of spark with. I’ve been in those relationships and they end up becoming friends who I don’t want to have sex with - that would lead to divorce if I were married and I’d rather not put myself in that situation.

I never said I wanted butterflies. But I need to feel something - and more than I would feel for a friend.

If you consider that entanglement "open mind" and that "it worked" as you say "for a short while before he became abusive" inevitable, I should have thought, then the thought processes are not healthy. Rebound is a fella for the here and now. Rebound is not contemplating ("it worked") a proper relationship with a severely mentally unwell person who is unemployed, with no means and zero prospects at a time when you are worried about the clock ticking out.

Good therapy would help you to get to the bottom of why you undervalued yourself to such an extent that you wasted precious time on someone so far beneath you.

HundredMilesAnHour I think the relatively few good ones are taken and the not so good ones are left on the shelf - you should see the guys I come across OLD Far more eligible women than men - but it’s always been like that, because there have always been far fewer good men out there for women.

I’m glad I didn’t settle in my 20s - I wouldn’t have had the life I had, bought my own house, car, travelled and met all my amazing friends. I have zero regrets because it wasn’t right for me.

And it’s not like I’m short of interest - especially from married men (you’d have no idea how many happy seeming married men hit on me) and undesirable men. It’s just the good ones are taken...

But whatever the situation, that 'in love' feeling always wears off. You know, you've been in that situation before and ended the relationship.

Thewheelsarefallingoff has it nailed.

I think your expectations are too high, not of the men, but of how you are going to feel. It would not be a good idea to settle down with someone unreliable & financially reckless if they have you butterflies. I think some of the most unsuitable men can be very manipulative and induce those butterflies. Keeping you on an emotional rollercoaster with declarations of their love and your beauty and how your not like anyone else they've ever been with...while behaving quite shittily.

PicsInRed thanks but I had really good therapy from one of the best in the country. I had to wait months on a waiting list. She was amazing and very helpful. So don’t worry.

Trust me, don’t settle. It will last about theee years and cost a lot of grief and more money. Don’t kid yourself it will be ok.

If you want a child, use a donor, be a loving & fabulous mum.
Life with someone you don’t love is miserable.

Life with someone you don’t love is miserable.

Thank you - yes this has been my experience. Better to be alone than go though a sham marriage and have babies and then divorce and end up as a single mum. Hats off to single mums out there, it’s hard work - not sure I would want to or could hope.

The people you’ve “clicked” with are an abuser, a heavy drinker and someone with mental health problems and your therapist said “nothing to see here”? I’m not being rude - everyone has stuff which affects their relationships. You would fairly obviously benefit from therapy - if only to unpick your expectations about a relationship. Was your therapist NHS 6 sessions? I would look on the BACP website for an integrative or psychodynamic therapist.

Thewheelsarefallingoff yes I am aware but I need something there in the beginning. Otherwise it’d be like marrying a friend. There needs to be something more there and I don’t think I am asking for too much. Even if I am, it needs to be there, otherwise I might as well marry one of my friends and I can’t do that and wouldn’t want to do that.

Longtalljosie haha no I haven’t dated a heavy drinker 😂 I saw a very good therapist, not on the NHS

I did OLD for a bit, but eventually was set up by a friend whose husband had a colleague he thought I should meet. He’s the same age as me and hadn’t wanted to settle. Very handy to have the vetting done for you by someone you know! A lot of my friends were in similar boats, one who was a bit older than me didn’t meet someone til she was 45 but he was so lovely it made up for the fact it was too late for kids (although they did try). Life has funny ways of working out.

I think you are just getting to grips with the reality of life as you are getting older .
The idea of meeting the one and being in love and happy ever after is what so many of us think is in our future..
However .... regret to say life is just not like that .... ( I sincerely wish it was for all of our sakes and emotional well being ! )

Your comment that you don’t want to be a single parent resonates with me ... incredibly myself and 3 friends are ... 2 of us via divorce ( situations were not salvageable ) the other 2 by being very young widows ...
be aware when you become a parent be prepared that life can change and you still have children to be responsible for ...alone or otherwise.
If you’d asked us all 6 years ago ... these wives with good careers , lovely homes , good enough relationships did we think we’d all be single today we would have unanimously said no !

Thank heavens have each other for support .
That said I’m sorry your feeling this way ... it is incredibly difficult when you wish to have that someone special who just does not show up (yet 🙏) ....
Perhaps reduce your working hours a little and socialise some more ...

Good luck ...

Only thing I will add is as per previous posters .... totally agree ... butterfly man is not normally the type that good husbands are made of and the poster who said ...
That he you had the best sex with is not the one you marry ....
She’s absolutely right .... mores the pity ....
It’s the only part of him I miss ☺️

I do get your frustration. Of all the women I know, 95% of the ones in relationships are more attractive, younger, richer/more assets, have better careers, and do more housework than their male partners. But it's the male partners that are the more reluctant ones to commit! This does seem unfair.

Ime men aged up to 45 won't usually consider anyone over 25 worth dating. Maybe up to age 30 if the women is an 11/10 looks wise.

So I feel what you are saying but you have to understand it's what most people have gone through. It's just how life is. You seem to think most people get the fairy tale and you don't. No one gets the fairy tale.

Not even your parents - how you view their relationship from the outside is way different to how it feels to them. OK they may hold hands now and that's nice. But go back in time to when you were a baby, and be a fly on the wall in your house the day the washing machine broke down during a family gastro outbreak, or one of them crashed the car, or they both lost their jobs. Life isn't all romance.

Ah sorry, that was YesQueen, who’s in the same boat. Nonetheless, my advice stands. There is a reason your boat is not being floated by the nicer men you meet. And you seem quite invested in it all being hopeless. I won’t argue with you about it - it’s your life! But I would strongly urge you think about it.

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss spot on! (That's what I did)

I'm not sure why people think I assume life is all romance and need butterflies and don't understand what marriage is. I totally get that. But I also need to feel for my partner more than I would a friend.

Longtalljosie Because these nice men weren't right for me